- Shellshocked wife found out & he cut me off

[HeCantBreakMe]

I do want his web of lies to unravel in his life and with her.. I want him to pay for what hes done to everyone. I want her to know the whole truth that shes been kept from but not by me... I will not stoop that low

 

My guess is she has some sort of awareness of most Of them.. he sounds like a real winner. Count your lucky stars you get to walk away from this one .

[Marilu2017]

I am grateful to god for the truth.. This will be a great lesson for me. All i can do is pray for justice and love myself more & be more cautious & next time to believe what others say

 

I did escape and im sure had he stayed with me he wouldve done the same to me

[HeCantBreakMe]

I am grateful to god for the truth.. This will be a great lesson for me. All i can do is pray for justice and love myself more & be more cautious & next time to believe what others say

 

I did escape and im sure had he stayed with me he wouldve done the same to me

 

Oh he would have cheated on you , yes. Pray for justice? What about you then? Adultry is adultry .. I am a Christian and my thoughts are pray for your own forgiveness and pray for his marriage and his heart to change and to be the man his wife deserves.

[Lady2163]

If I read your post correctly, his wife doesn't know who you are....yet. I'm surprised he didn't tell her.

 

Listen, he is going to be just as stressed as you are at work tomorrow. Don't forget that. Hold your head up high, look him straight in the eye - and ignore him.

 

He's the slime who played two women, not you.

[ShatteredLady]

Oh my goodness! You poor thing. Ugh! It makes me so angry & it should YOU to!

 

What kind of sniveling wimp does that? Oh I know the shock, horror, agony of being completely blind-sided. For the longest time I refused to accept that I was suffering from PTSD. To me that was something that brave soldiers who had experienced unspeakable atrocities endured. I felt almost pathetic putting myself in the same category by accepting that diagnosis. BUT it can be very, very real & needs medical treatment. It was only when my doctor started listing the damage that living with panic attacks etc can inflict on my body that I started taking the meds & they do really help. You don't need to take them forever, just until you're over the worst.

 

Oh I'm so sorry. I know we say that most of these MM are conflict avoidant or they wouldn't find themselves in this predicament but yours takes the buiscuit!! How dare he be such a coward!! Poor you & poor his bloody wife. OMG! How dare he make her do his dirty work AND how dare he put YOU in that awful situation to do the other side of his dirty work!!?!

 

AND to say that he doesn't have telephone or computer access as if she's got him shackled somewhere unable to communicate with the outside world. His true colors are flying, dirty & rancid.

 

The most important thing now is you! It's going to be hard to sleep, eat, concentrate. Even if you just get some of those health drinks like ensure, you must feed your body. Drink lots of water. Alcohol may seem like a good idea but it's a depressant...the last thing your poor body needs at a time like this. Try to exercise. It releases 'feel good' chemicals & helps with sleep & releasing stress.

 

I hope that you have a support system. A great girl friend that you can confide in? If you're tempted to contact him post here instead. Try to stay busy. I know the urge to curl-up under the covers & wish your life away. DON'T!!!

 

Read-up on the stages of grieving. I've been through them. You may jump around between them...it's not always linear. It helps to know that what you're experiencing is normal.

 

I'm not going to give you a hard time for what you've done (unless you take him back) the past is the past. Please try to learn & grow from all of this.

 

I'm truly sorry that you feel so shattered. You've been through an awful ordeal. Please try to take care of yourself.

 

I'm not going to comment on telling his wife, sending your 'evidence' to her. That's up to you to decide. There have been many debates on the subject here. Read through them before you make a decision.

 

Knowing that you're not alone at a nightmare time like this helps. Spend some time reading around this forum. I'm so sorry. Please try to get some sleep when you can. He may not return to work. Cross that bridge when you come to it.

 

 

Note - Crying all the time makes me really puffy. A friend recommended gently dabbing around my eyes with those handy packaged hemeroid wipes you can buy. It really worked for me just be REALLY careful not to get it into your eyes.

 

Just in case, I'd start getting my resume in order. Working with this 'man' is untenable.

 

Best wishes. I'm so sorry. This agony will pass.

[malvern99]

I do want his web of lies to unravel in his life and with her.. I want him to pay for what hes done to everyone. I want her to know the whole truth that shes been kept from but not by me... I will not stoop that low

 

Why not allow her the gift of the whole truth from you? Maybe that way, she'll kick his ass to the curb, and you and your MM can sail off into the sunset and live happily ever after?

[Marilu2017]

I really thank all of you ... Its surreal. Im not a good pretender and what i really want to do is go up to him and tell him" you are evil you are a coward & you planned this all along you monster" but im sure most would agree thats not the way to redeem myself rather than ignore him (as im sure he will do to me) & make him feel non existent.

[IfonlyIknew]

Oh I have felt your pain although my MM was my best friend. Ok so down to the immediate worry, tomorrow. You're going to go to work and feel every rushing emotion, these emotions are under your control. Yes it will be awkward but that's all if you let it, he is not worth an ounce of your distress. Hold your head up high and don't give him the power of controlling how you feel. Focus on your work and what goals you want for this year. Day by day, it'll get better.

[sandylee1]

There was an envelope unsealed on his desk and yes i opened it because as weird as it sounds something drew me to it.

 

I didnt think when we started i just literally fell in love and believed... Never again. I pray he never comes back to me in any way. He is the devil. I even had access to the mans debit card and one year she was away with the kids and her mom, he actually took me to their house and i slept in their bed.

 

Are you proud of this? Do you think you're the first other woman he's had in the marital bed?

 

If he's the devil, what does that make you?

 

You're a grown adult.

You need to take responsibility for your actions and stop acting like you had no choice but to have an affair.

 

Here you have a serial cheat, yet you were blindto his glaringly obvious character flaw.

 

You got played because you didn't respect their marriage.

 

 

I'm not saying this to be harsh, but you need to stop laying all the blame at his feet, otherwise you'll make the same mistake again.

 

Accept that your willingness to have an affair caused your pain.

[road]

I really thank all of you ... Its surreal. Im not a good pretender and what i really want to do is go up to him and tell him" you are evil you are a coward & you planned this all along you monster" but im sure most would agree thats not the way to redeem myself rather than ignore him (as im sure he will do to me) & make him feel non existent.

 

Why are you mad? Is it he lied to you?

Or because you cheated with a married man?

[Midwestmissy]

This sounds like a mess. But was he the devil and evil and a coward when you knew he was lying to his wife? Or did he become evil when it became clear he was lying to you? It's all still him. And he's cheated so much in his marriage? I wonder if those ow thought they meant something to him.

 

People come into our lives for crazy reasons. Maybe it's too soon for you to see his purpose, but he may be the lesson in toxic and manipulative people you (and everybody) need to learn. We've all been caught up with folks like this, they come in pretty packages and never look like monsters. And sometimes we don't get these lessons until later in life, when we least expect it. I got blindsided by a friend at age 42. She broke my heart - I realized I'd been used as a pawn for years and I was shocked. I thought I was so lucky to have such a great best friend. However, that relationship introduced me to other people who have become my closest friends. I had to go through that to have great people in my life. Strange.

 

Deep down, you know this guy is trash, but admitting it fully makes you have to admit things about yourself you're not ready to. Normal. You are not the woman who will make him loyal. The problem isn't you or his wife, the problem is him. He knows how to find women who let him perpetuate this mess, he must be charming. But he's not happy, and he is not bringing much of anything to the women who fall for him.

[BuddyX]

Oldest line in the book "My wife doesn't understand me."

 

Second line, " Trust me I'm not like all the other guys who cheat on their wives, I'm different.

[waterwoman]

"Will he ever pay for what he did, she obviously forgave him. "

 

No obviously about it. However that isn't your concern.

Edited January 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[notmyselfnow]

I do want his web of lies to unravel in his life and with her.. I want him to pay for what hes done to everyone. I want her to know the whole truth that shes been kept from but not by me... I will not stoop that low

 

Telling her the truth is not stooping low, despite what your intentions might be. It is going high and giving her the gift of truth.

[sandylee1]

I don't understand how you had no problem with his last 5 affairs or the threesome, but the minute you've been dropped, he's all kinds of evil. You were with him for 5 years. He cheats all the time. How many years has he been faithful?

 

A married man has an affair with you and swears in church about his promise to you .... can you not see how messed up that is? If he was truly religious and had any belief, he wouldn't be having all these affairs, so the bible and it's teachings don't mean jack to him.

 

Look for another job to get away from the memories of him.

[BuddyX]

So the question is; if he comes back and begs for forgiveness and tells you he wants to be with you, would you take him back?

 

[]

Edited January 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Marilu2017]

I will not be taking him back and to those who actually understood where I'm coming from in my posts thank you. For Anyone else, read my posts from the beginning you will understand that I did have a problem with these things but I believed he had changed and was a completely different person as he mentioned to me those going to church with me it's etcetera. I had faith in this person and that he would do everything he promised for us to do things right. I will not be allowing anyone else on this for him to make me feel bad about myself more than I have already. I know what my part in this was but he is a Serial cheater he is a Serial liar and yes to me he is evil. I have Blind Faith and lack of judgment something I should have never had

[stillafool]

I do want his web of lies to unravel in his life and with her.. I want him to pay for what hes done to everyone. I want her to know the whole truth that shes been kept from but not by me... I will not stoop that low

 

But it was okay to sleep in her bed. When she called you you should have told her the truth. Told her that he said he was leaving her for you and he was going to tell her this that day. It would have been the perfect time because he was right there on speaker phone with her and he couldn't have lied his way out of it. He was probably the one who had the phone numbers changed so you couldn't reach her and tell her your truth in this.

[Whoknew30]

I will not be taking him back and to those who actually understood where I'm coming from in my posts thank you. For Anyone else, read my posts from the beginning you will understand that I did have a problem with these things but I believed he had changed and was a completely different person as he mentioned to me those going to church with me it's etcetera. I had faith in this person and that he would do everything he promised for us to do things right. I will not be allowing anyone else on this for him to make me feel bad about myself more than I have already. I know what my part in this was but he is a Serial cheater he is a Serial liar and yes to me he is evil. I have Blind Faith and lack of judgment something I should have never had

 

I don't think anyone is trying to make you feel bad, they're just pointing out the obvious...you placed your self esteem on a man that you fully knew had done this before & now acting shocked. It's understandable you're upset but it shouldn't be with him...you should be upset & shocked with yourself.

 

You're bringing up church & an A like that some how made it so different...it didn't, you didn't have blind faith, sounds more like a huge ego boost thinking that you were the woman that changed him...that's not exactly lack of judgment, it's more you're hurt bc your ego has been crushed. There's a big difference & until you figure that out for yourself, your choices won't get any better. He didn't play you, you played yourself & you can fix that but only if you gave that fact & not place the blame on him.

 

I'd had an A, so it's not a judgment, it's what you'll need for your own healing, to understand why you allowed your self esteem to be based on changing a man vs just having for yourself to begin with...good luck!

[Midwestmissy]

I can feel your pain in your posts. Folks here aren't trying to make you feel bad, but to get you to maybe see how you gave him the benefit of the doubt he never deserved. Seeing this in the light of day makes it even uglier. Every woman he was with believed his words too. He managed to make you convince yourself that he was special. How amazing is that? Clearly a skill he's honed since he was a little kid. Totally manipulative and self serving. Some people never learn those lessons, they choose to be kind and trusting and need to hear it harshly. Sounds like you're seeing him for who he is. Hope you (and others) can avoid toxic stains like him going forward. It's a story that's so common and cliche, it amazes me that it happens every day, but look where we are. As far as getting mad, do it. Propel yourself into a healthier place by being angry, processing, then moving on. Keep the truth as your North Star and you'll be good. Sounds like his spouse is unable or unwilling to do that.

 

As for blind trust, yes, don't have it with people. You gave unconditionally and like a lot of us, it was used against you. Trust yourself, your instincts, your gut, the little voice in your head WAY before you trust someone's words. And Then, only believe his/her actions. I'm 48 and just learned that. It's all kinds of bitter.

[gettingstronger]

No matter if you believed he loved you or not- you know it's wrong to sleep in another woman's bed and to take an oath on a bible from another woman's husband. Address that and you can start to heal yourself.

[anika99]

People aren't trying to make you feel bad they are just trying to help you see the situation honestly. Since you went to church and had him swear his promises on the bible I'm guessing you have some sort of belief in God. Did you really think an adulterer swearing on the bible that he was going to end his marriage and leave his wife for the woman he has been cheating with for 5yrs was going to impress God? That God was lovingly smiling down on the 2 of yo and that he was going to reward cheating and lying that had gone on for years.

 

I could swear that unhealthy love is just like a mental illness. People trapped in that state of mind lose their ability to be rational and reasonable. It may be too soon for you to see the whole picture right now as you are currently in a lot of pain and that's understandable but as you get better you will look back on this lying cheater going to church and swearing on the bible that he is going to leave his wife and you will laugh at how ridiculous that was. You will also come to see that believing in lies isn't really an excuse for poor behavior on your part. Just because I believe that something is going to result in some kind of payoff for myself doesn't mean I get a free pass to so something that I would normally consider wrong and goes against my core principle. If you think adultery is wrong then it's wrong, regardless if you were being strung along by lies or not.

 

It may be too soon in the game for you to take this all in and see the whole picture. I get that. Obviously it isn't very helpful to tell someone who is bleeding to death from a knife wound that they shouldn't have played with knives and that they should accept their share of the blame for their knife wound..lol...that would be absurd. You need your immediate pain attended to before you can think about where you went wrong and how you can avoid being wounded in the future.

[whichwayisup]

He has killed me... How do i deal with having to work across from him now? I hate him. I want him to pay for what he did. This is the second time she finds out he has cheated & takes him back. But he has cheated 4 other times before.

 

Worry about your own reasons as to why you continued to believe a MM whom still went home to his wife and lived life with her. She built a life with him and maybe felt because of their family unit (kids etc) that he is worth fighting for and wanted to keep her family intact.

 

All you can do now is grieve the loss and let him go. He chose his wife. As painful as it is for you right now, let your healing begin by choosing to stay out of his life and ignore him if he tries to contact you in the future.

[angel.eyes]

For Anyone else, read my posts from the beginning you will understand that I did have a problem with these things but I believed he had changed and was a completely different person as he mentioned to me those going to church with me it's etcetera.

How exactly had he changed?!? You had a five-year affair with the man! Five years!!! Was the serial adulterer doing anything other than what he had always done...cheat year...after year...after year? What exactly about his behavior and choices wasn't consistent cheating and lying during the five years you were with him?

 

He took you to sleep in his wife's bed while she was away!!! Then scuttled you out as soon as she returned from her trip so that she wouldn't know. Is that the behavior of a changed man who had reformed his cheating ways? You had no problem continuing after that. So lying and deceiving to his wife was okay? As long as he wasn't lying to you, you continued building your fantasy life with him. After he's dropped you, it's clear he lied to you, and he now has as much use for you as yesterday's news, you suddenly find his lying and cheating despicable? He's suddenly the devil incarnate who should get his? Where was all this righteous outrage when he was slinking around behind his wife's back and inviting you to join him in her bed???

 

I had faith in this person and that he would do everything he promised for us to do things right. I will not be allowing anyone else on this for him to make me feel bad about myself more than I have already. I know what my part in this was but he is a Serial cheater he is a Serial liar and yes to me he is evil. I have Blind Faith and lack of judgment something I should have never had

Well he's been breaking his promises to his wife of nineteen years. He's been jeopardizing his three kids' lifestyle and security ever since you met him. You knew he couldn't be trusted to keep his wedding vows for the five years he snuck around with you, but somehow in your fantasy, despite his continued lies to his wife, he would never actually lie to you? You were the special snowflake that neither his wife nor his other 4+ affair partners could be.

 

You are responsible for this mess. Play victim and you'll simply try the same stunt with the next loser that comes along selling you sweet nothings. Or figure out why you felt compelled to jump head first into red flag city and throw all reason to the wind. In other words, learn from your mistakes so that you don't repeat them.

[whichwayisup]

I do want his web of lies to unravel in his life and with her.. I want him to pay for what hes done to everyone. I want her to know the whole truth that shes been kept from but not by me... I will not stoop that low

 

It has nothing to do with stooping low, it's about allowing the truth to come out. He more than likely has painted you as the bad one chasing him and manipulating him. Get angry at HIM, not his wife. She's the innocent one here and has done nothing to you. She just wants answers and probably knows there's a lot more to it than what he's told her.

 

You are choosing to not answer her questions so you won't have to suffer any consequences or fallout. If you try to ruin his life, he's going to try to ruin yours too.

 

Own what you did and apologize to her if she calls again. Answer all that she needs to know. This will help YOU heal and give her the truth. Might set you free from it all so you can go on with your life without him.