Whoknew30 Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 It has nothing to do with stooping low, it's about allowing the truth to come out. He more than likely has painted you as the bad one chasing him and manipulating him. Get angry at HIM, not his wife. She's the innocent one here and has done nothing to you. She just wants answers and probably knows there's a lot more to it than what he's told her. You are choosing to not answer her questions so you won't have to suffer any consequences or fallout. If you try to ruin his life, he's going to try to ruin yours too. Own what you did and apologize to her if she calls again. Answer all that she needs to know. This will help YOU heal and give her the truth. Might set you free from it all so you can go on with your life without him. ^ this...& I have to add. You were talking about "church" yet now you want to destroy him bc it didn't work out? Where is all this Christianity that you were so proud of? I've made mistakes too & am a Christian but being all that church really hasn't seem to teach you anything. Instead of talking about he was so changed bc of church, you should really go for yourself & your own lessons. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 No one is trying to make you feel bad. I think people just want you to take responsibility for what you did. Your posts are riddled with a sense of victimhood as if you were a passenger on your journey. Now, wallowing in self pity about this "evil" man did to you will not get you anywhere. Victims are not in control of their situations. So you can decide to play the victim, or you can own your choices and actions, learn from them and become a better version of youself in the process. The choice is absolutely yours. Don't get upset people type things you disagree with. Examine why those things upset you and move on. Take what is helpful and leave the rest. Good luck 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 So he's evil and a devil because he lied to you? You knew he was lying to his wife, but didn't think he was the devil then did you. He lied about a future with you? I'm sure he did the same with the last 5 women. There must be something irresistible about this man for women to fall for him and his wife not to kick him out. If you as a mistress feel this angry, imagine how his wife feels since discovering a second affair. Empathy will make you a better person. Maybe now you've seen how he lied to you, you realise that he most likely lied about his wife and many other things. Don't assume that everything is nice and happy in their home. You keep saying he's getting away with it. Your anger is that, you can't threaten to tell her because she already knows. He may well have realised you would go and tell her when he wasn't leaving her. If he stood before God, friends and family to take his wedding vows .... and has since gone on to be unfaithful with more than 7 women (that you know of), it's safe to assume promises and his faith mean nothing to him. Move on with your life and be mature about it. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marilu2017 Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 Thank you midwest and shattered your posts give me strength and are truly inspirational. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marilu2017 Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 Nothing about anyones comments on here upsets me. Ive already taken responsibility for my part in this but am still in the grieving phase as there are stages to this including being angry at him. I was never angry at her and did not tell her more when she called because i didnt seek out to destroy her though i could have with all i had to say. Its not who i am. I was not rational throughout this and it was a mistake. I am not sure if every single person posting to this thread has been the other woman enough to understand all this, but regardless i appreciate all comments. No one is perfect or holier than anyone else here. We have all been sinners and have made mistakes. Its about learning from them and if i wasnt learning from them id be open to him coming back which i know he will but I have made the choice to open my eyes and not take him back. This is all a process and if all of you have been tge OW tgen you know what this is like. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 Nothing about anyones comments on here upsets me. Ive already taken responsibility for my part in this but am still in the grieving phase as there are stages to this including being angry at him. I was never angry at her and did not tell her more when she called because i didnt seek out to destroy her though i could have with all i had to say. Its not who i am. I was not rational throughout this and it was a mistake. I am not sure if every single person posting to this thread has been the other woman enough to understand all this, but regardless i appreciate all comments. No one is perfect or holier than anyone else here. We have all been sinners and have made mistakes. Its about learning from them and if i wasnt learning from them id be open to him coming back which i know he will but I have made the choice to open my eyes and not take him back. This is all a process and if all of you have been tge OW tgen you know what this is like. She's destroyed now regardless. You telling her the truth is knowledge she needs to know so she can make an informed decision if she truly wants to give him another chance or end her marriage. Right now she has one side, HIS side of the truth and probably he's minimized everything. HE destroyer her the minute he slept with you and had an affair. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 I was never angry at her and did not tell her more when she called because i didnt seek out to destroy her though i could have with all i had to say. Not knowing the truth is what is destroying her. If you had told her the truth instead of protecting him you and her both would be better off. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 Not knowing the truth is what is destroying her. If you had told her the truth instead of protecting him you and her both would be better off. I'm not sure if it was about protecting him but more protecting herself from the fallout of her affair with this MM and suffering consequences. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marilu2017 Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 I would not do that still working with him and him knowing where i live. People are nuts and i dont need to be a story on the news right now if i did that now & he loses it. I care for my security & life and people do snap. If i leave or move its something to consider. For now, not an option not looking for anymore drama just peace Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 I would not do that still working with him and him knowing where i live. People are nuts and i dont need to be a story on the news right now if i did that now & he loses it. I care for my security & life and people do snap. If i leave or move its something to consider. For now, not an option not looking for anymore drama just peace Never know if his wife will 'out' you. If she doesn't know who you are, it won't take much digging for her to find out. Bolded. You took a big chance. IF all that was so important to you, why did you put yourself in a situation where you life's problems could become public knowledge? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 A 5 year affair doesn't fall into the category of a mistake. Minimizing it as such does you a disservice. I understand you are in pain and for that I am sorry. How you channel your pain and anger is important because it sets the direction you want to travel. For example, if you find yourself angry at him for his lies, ask yourself why? Why are you angry that someone who has no problem deceiving his wife has no problem deceiving you? In fact, why are you even surprised he would lie to you? So you have every right to be angry, but be angry at yourself for believing his words when his actions were screaming the truth. The secret to dealing with this kind of thing is acknowledging that the AP may as well have been a place holder. The issues you are dealing with now are your own. Acknowledging that is an important step in your healing process, because it forces you to look for the answers you seek within yourself, because I guarantee you you won't find them anywhere else. Good luck. As an aside, the betrayed wife is hurt by the actual infidelity, not the confession. In fact, stonewalling her only adds to her pain because she not only has to deal with a cheating husband now, but one who is willing to continue lying in order to save his skin regardless of who it hurts. Spare a thought for her. Best of luck. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marilu2017 Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 Too late too turn back time now! Lol bottom line is i wont be outing myself out more than i have. If its meant for her to know more she will. And he will do it to her again ill let time do its job Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 I would not do that still working with him and him knowing where i live. People are nuts and i dont need to be a story on the news right now if i did that now & he loses it. I care for my security & life and people do snap. If i leave or move its something to consider. For now, not an option not looking for anymore drama just peace I agree that you should move on in the best way you can for you. However if he confessed to her she may be contacting you again and you can bet that even if he did admit the affair he made you into the bad crazy OW who just wouldn't leave you alone. Perhaps if she contacts you again then you should consider telling the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
CommittedToThis Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 You telling her the truth is knowledge she needs to know so she can make an informed decision This, to me, is the bottom line when it comes to deceitful and devious behaviors: cheaters rob those with integrity of the chance to make informed decisions. Any decisions being made by those with integrity are based on faulty data. That, to me, is unforgivable behavior towards a fellow human being. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 I'm not sure if it was about protecting him but more protecting herself from the fallout of her affair with this MM and suffering consequences. People amaze me that they are brave enough to get involved with MM/MW but cowardice takes over when it's time to face the consequences. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
notmyselfnow Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 I would not do that still working with him and him knowing where i live. People are nuts and i dont need to be a story on the news right now if i did that now & he loses it. I care for my security & life and people do snap. If i leave or move its something to consider. For now, not an option not looking for anymore drama just peace How did you guys communicate? If it was over texting or over the phone, get ready for some fallout. Those records are easily accessible through the phone company, and even deleted texts can often be recovered. She deserves the truth. You really think he's going to come after you? Nothing you have said up to now suggests that is a possibility. It sounds like an excuse to me to avoid telling the wife. And honestly, you should be looking for a new job. Even if HR does not get involved, it's going to be horribly painful for you to be there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marilu2017 Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 Yep... Thats true. I leave it in gods hands from here on. If she does call me then ill handle that when im there. But he is the true coward who needs to fess up. Not my place to do so & i wont. The way she sounded when she called was as if he did convince her that i came onto him though furthest from truth. He pursued me the entire time. She sounded like she was protecting a rape victim so nothing i would say shed believe anyhow. Thats his problem to tell her now. He owes her his loyalty not me Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 Wow! So with the cruise planned for next year, he was never leaving her? His swearing on the bible was a total nonsense. That's 5 years of your life wasted on a lying cheat. Make 2017 your year and put the last 5 down to experience. Married men aren't up for grabs. A married man who lies to his wife's face isn't going to find his honesty swearing on a bible. If he was swayed by swearing on a bible, he would be honest with his wife RIGHT THEN. You may as well tell his wife the truth, you owe her that much. Her husband won't give it to her. He's a proven liar. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 He told me he was a changed man after me that he was no longer who he used to be and i believed him.... He even bought me a promise ring Well, He bought her a real ring and a wedding. He still betrayed her. That's the mark of a married cheater, they are so romantic and "open" just not to their partner, which means they don't keep good boundaries around their relationships where it's clear for EVERYONE. If he really loved you, he wouldn't have dragged you into his mess of dishonesty. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 Too late too turn back time now! Lol bottom line is i wont be outing myself out more than i have. If its meant for her to know more she will. And he will do it to her again ill let time do its job What killed me was suspecting and then getting stonewalled at every turn for EIGHT YEARS. You are complicit in putting this woman through Hell by continuing to withhold the truth. At best she will get victimized again. She clearly doesn't know the depths of MM's betrayals. But YOU DO. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 Yep... Thats true. I leave it in gods hands from here on. If she does call me then ill handle that when im there. But he is the true coward who needs to fess up. Not my place to do so & i wont. The way she sounded when she called was as if he did convince her that i came onto him though furthest from truth. He pursued me the entire time. She sounded like she was protecting a rape victim so nothing i would say shed believe anyhow. Thats his problem to tell her now. He owes her his loyalty not me Why do OW say "it's not my place?" When wasn't "your place" was her bedroom! And yet it's okay to go in there but not confess it honestly to someone seeking answers. I think your actual healing and growing is dependent upon being honest and taking responsibility for your actions. You violated another person's space and marriage, regardless of her husband being the accomplice. You still did it. Just the same as if an illegal act had been committed. Honor amongst adulterers? What? 9 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 Too late too turn back time now! Lol bottom line is i wont be outing myself out more than i have. If its meant for her to know more she will. And he will do it to her again ill let time do its job I agree with you here. You're best staying out of their marriage and leaving him to talk to his wife. She has stayed with him through one affair, so if she continues staying, it's for her to deal with. I think he was backed into a corner with you wanting a better role, than being a lifetime mistress. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 People amaze me that they are brave enough to get involved with MM/MW but cowardice takes over when it's time to face the consequences. Yep totally the hypocrisy is REALLY mindblowing to say the least... every single time I read it on here! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 How did you guys communicate? If it was over texting or over the phone, get ready for some fallout. Those records are easily accessible through the phone company, and even deleted texts can often be recovered. She deserves the truth. You really think he's going to come after you? Nothing you have said up to now suggests that is a possibility. It sounds like an excuse to me to avoid telling the wife. And honestly, you should be looking for a new job. Even if HR does not get involved, it's going to be horribly painful for you to be there. This is exactly how I confirmed my WH's A with MOW. It took me 6 motherf88king months but I found the truth. Nothing will stop a person from finding out the truth if they want it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 Yep... Thats true. I leave it in gods hands from here on. If she does call me then ill handle that when im there. But he is the true coward who needs to fess up. Not my place to do so & i wont. The way she sounded when she called was as if he did convince her that i came onto him though furthest from truth. He pursued me the entire time. She sounded like she was protecting a rape victim so nothing i would say shed believe anyhow. Thats his problem to tell her now. He owes her his loyalty not me If this had been left in God's hands you wouldn't be in this position. You had every right to tell her that he told you he was going to leave her for you. You had them both on the phone so you should have made him tell her the truth right then and there. I would think you would do this to stand up for yourself and let her know that her husband made promises to you. By not talking you were protecting him and throwing yourself under the bus. Now he's had no problem blaming you for chasing after him and making him be a bad boy. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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