Did my coworker wanted something with me?

[Paco1234]

I went to a company conference in a different city for 5 days. The first day, at lunch time, I followed a coworker from the same company but from a different city to the lunch restaurant since I didnt know the location of it. We sat one next to the other with other coworkers from other cities, but she started inmediatly to talk to me. After some regular work chat for some minutes, the first ¨personal¨question she asked me was, ahh I see you are married, looking at my ring (I noticed she was wearing a ring too) and started asking questions about my wife. I answered the questions and we talked a little bit more about work. At the end of the day, I email her asking if she was going to have dinner. She said no, she had to do some work, but the next day for sure she was going to go out.

 

The next day she had lunch with some other assitants to the conference and at the end of the day I said to her that some other coworkers were going out but she said she was going to the city to meet an old friend. I went out with other people.

 

The third day we had a group dinner paid by the company. We walked to the restaurant for some blocks. Before starting the walk she approached me and started talking to me. She had this big eyes look to me and laughing about everything I said. We arrived to the restaurant almost separated from the main group. We sat together in the same table with some other workers. She was laughing and made some silly thing to tease me. She always looking at me. At the end of the food, she said do you want to go, I said yes, and us two and two other left. Going down the stair, she almost fell (we were a little drunk) and I grab her from the hips, she smiled at me.. The first two people walked in front of us and we stayed in the back talking all the way back to the hotel. At some point she said, whatever happens in this training stays in this training. Almost close to the elevators to our rooms, she said I am so smart. That night I learned she is my same age. We said goodnight in the elevator. At that point I was thinking, what is happening here! I think I like her, what should I do? I was confused..

 

The fourth day, I met her, with other coworkers at lunch and we talked some work related stuff and walked back to class. At the end of the conference that day, I asked her and a person next to her if they wanted to go out. She said yes. When we all met (like 8 people) she just came next to me and started talking. We separated from the group and followed them to a bar. We ate and had drinks. During dinner she mentioned my wife again and wanted to see a picture of her. I showed the picture. I touched her knee a couple of times. We decided to go to a different bar, again we walked alone following the group and I complemented her a couple of times. At the second bar, she started buying drinks for both and another girl from the group. We started getting drunk and at some point I grab her from the hips and stayed there. She didn’t care. Some time later she paid and just in front of me she put the receipt in her bra and looked at me. We left and walked to the hotel. Each of us went to our rooms. I fell asleep. I woke up 3 hours later and saw a message: I found the ticket in my bra. This is all your fault. I wrote her back that I wanted to see her one more time before she left. I called her but no answer.

 

She messaged me the next day on her way to the airport. Just to say goodbye and mentioning that she was drunk and the ticket in her bra.

 

Overall this is the first time this happens to me after marriage (less then 2 years). I didn’t know what she wanted. Maybe she wanted me to go to her room the last night? What do you think? Did I like her?

[katielee]

Tell your wife all this. Whether this woman likes you or not will not be a concern of yours.

[WilyWill]

If you're planning on cheating on your wife at some point, the kindest thing you could do right now is to file for divorce and gently explain to her that you were not ready to be married. She can move on and find a man who values her and is looking for just one woman.

[ShatteredLady]

Hi. Will you please clarify....

 

1. Are you looking for advise on where you went wrong as a moral, married man.

2. Are you seeking tips on how to be a sleaze who tries to bed coworkers at conferences?

 

Trying to retain a little faith in human nature I'm going to assume 1.

 

I went to a company conference in a different city for 5 days. The first day, at lunch time, I followed a coworker from the same company but from a different city to the lunch restaurant since I didnt know the location of it. (All good so far)

 

We sat one next to the other with other coworkers from other cities, but she started inmediatly to talk to me. After some regular work chat for some minutes, the first ¨personal¨question she asked me was, ahh I see you are married, looking at my ring (I noticed she was wearing a ring too) and started asking questions about my wife. (Shut her down & only compliment your wife!)

 

I answered the questions and we talked a little bit more about work. (Answers should always be loving, flattering. Things you would be proud for your wife to hear. If you said ANYTHING that you wouldn't say with your wife sat there you're entering the scum zone!)

 

At the end of the day, I email her asking if she was going to have dinner. She said no, she had to do some work, but the next day for sure she was going to go out. (Why did you email HER? Line crossed. Did you tell your wife you were going to email her? Deeper into scum zone)

 

The next day she had lunch with some other assitants to the conference and at the end of the day I said to her that some other coworkers were going out but she said she was going to the city to meet an old friend. I went out with other people. (Why are you asking her out? What was your intent?)

 

The third day we had a group dinner paid by the company. We walked to the restaurant for some blocks. Before starting the walk she approached me and started talking to me. She had this big eyes look to me and laughing about everything I said. (You seem to notice a lot of things. You're inviting yourself into the danger zone!)

 

We arrived to the restaurant almost separated from the main group. We sat together in the same table with some other workers. She was laughing and made some silly thing to tease me. She always looking at me. At the end of the food, she said do you want to go, I said yes, and us two and two other left. (Why? What did you want to happen? Now in the scum zone in my book! Not searching for local divorce lawyers but considering it.)

 

Going down the stair, she almost fell (we were a little drunk) and I grab her from the hips, she smiled at me.. (Getting hands on AND drunk with strange woman. Opening google, contemplating search...)

 

The first two people walked in front of us and we stayed in the back talking all the way back to the hotel. At some point she said, whatever happens in this training stays in this training. (What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Short list of hardbum lawyers)

 

Almost close to the elevators to our rooms, she said I am so smart. That night I learned she is my same age. We said goodnight in the elevator. At that point I was thinking, what is happening here! I think I like her, what should I do? I was confused.. (Confused? REALLY? Phone divorce lawyer because "My H is too dumb to stay married to!".)

 

The fourth day, I met her, with other coworkers at lunch and we talked some work related stuff and walked back to class. At the end of the conference that day, I asked her and a person next to her if they wanted to go out. She said yes.

(Bring a wing-person. I'm not really trying to shag you. Honest!)

 

When we all met (like 8 people) she just came next to me and started talking. We separated from the group and followed them to a bar. We ate and had drinks. During dinner she mentioned my wife again and wanted to see a picture of her. I showed the picture. I touched her knee a couple of times. (How romantic darling. We started to grope over a photo of you my beloved!)

We decided to go to a different bar, again we walked alone following the group and I complemented her a couple of times. (Oh please shag me im desperate!)

 

At the second bar, she started buying drinks for both and another girl from the group. We started getting drunk and at some point I grab her from the hips and stayed there. She didn’t care. (Yes I groped her after getting her drunk but I'm not a creep honestly darling!)

 

Some time later she paid and just in front of me she put the receipt in her bra and looked at me. We left and walked to the hotel. Each of us went to our rooms. I fell asleep. I woke up 3 hours later and saw a message: I found the ticket in my bra. This is all your fault. I wrote her back that I wanted to see her one more time before she left. I called her but no answer. (Dirty flirty. Got lots of free drinks & an ego boost & didn't even have to kiss the looser! Result!!)

 

She messaged me the next day on her way to the airport. Just to say goodbye and mentioning that she was drunk and the ticket in her bra.

 

Overall this is the first time this happens to me after marriage (less then 2 years). I didn’t know what she wanted. Maybe she wanted me to go to her room the last night? What do you think? Did I like her?

 

Oh for goodness sake!! Seriously!?! How on earth did you get a woman to marry you? Are you very rich? Are you for real? Do you have an open marriage? I hope that you can claim all of those expenses on the company. If you wouldn't do it with your wife watching don't do it!!! Why on earth did you get married?

 

What do you want us to say? "Oh yeh, you're the MAN! You missed a definite shag there. She was gagging for it!!" Pass the sick bag :sick:

[gettingstronger]

YES- there is a not so nice name for these types of women in the business world-seizing conventions and out of town meetings to hook up-

 

NO- you don't want to get involved with women like these

 

YES- there are men like this as well

 

NO-you do not want to be one of them

 

Its probably a good idea to talk with your wife about it, the start of the slippery slope, the start of keeping secrets-its not a good thing-

 

Good luck-

[sandylee1]

She wanted some no strings sex.

 

What did you want?

[Whoknew30]

Tell your wife all this. Whether this woman likes you or not will not be a concern of yours.

 

Why would he cause a huge problem in his marriage for no reason? Nothing happened.

 

OP...NO ONE knows what the woman wanted bc no on this post was there...she was drunk & just bc you touched her, doesn't mean she wanted you. Sounds like you had too much to drink, had a little too much fun & that's that! Don't read too much into it.

 

Do not tell your wife & don't drink so much with other women on trips & you'll be fine.

[katielee]

Why would he cause a huge problem in his marriage for no reason? Nothing happened.

 

.

 

Because marriage is built on honesty, transparency and truth. He almost jumped ship. Absolutely "something happened" that needs to be discussed.

[Whoknew30]

Because marriage is built on honesty, transparency and truth. He almost jumped ship. Absolutely "something happened" that needs to be discussed.

 

Honesty & starting an issue where there really isn't one are two different things. No one knows what this woman wanted, didn't want, it's all assumption. She was drunk & most likely had she wanted him, she would have made her move before they parted ways. Nothing happened, Why should he go home & make his wife insecure based on absolutely nothing. Extremely silly IMO.

 

Most spouses know that SO face temptation everyday, to hear about every situation that "could have happened" doesn't make a relationship stronger

[ShatteredLady]

YES- there is a not so nice name for these types of women in the business world-seizing conventions and out of town meetings to hook up-

 

NO- you don't want to get involved with women like these

 

YES- there are men like this as well

 

NO-you do not want to be one of them

 

Its probably a good idea to talk with your wife about it, the start of the slippery slope, the start of keeping secrets-its not a good thing-

 

Good luck-

 

 

You're a married man acting like a sloppy, drunken student. You do realize that your coworkers were watching & judging you? This kind of behavior can damage your career & destroy your marriage. You behaved in an appalling way & should be very embarrassed with yourself.

 

What kind of marriage & life do you want? What kind of man do you want to be? How would you feel if your wife was behaving like that?

 

You sound like a man in serious danger of having affairs & meaningless sexual romps in your future. Are you sure that you're mature enough to be a married man? Did you have a lot of experience with women before you married? You seem so titilated by the attention of a drunken, partying, MARRIED WOMAN. A wedding ring isn't a deterrent. You need boundaries, morals & principles to live by.

 

Try reading books like "Not Just Friends". You really need an attitude adjustment before you make huge mistakes that will effect the rest of your life.

[katielee]

Honesty & starting an issue where there really isn't one are two different things. No one knows what this woman wanted, didn't want, it's all assumption. She was drunk & most likely had she wanted him, she would have made her move before they parted ways. Nothing happened, Why should he go home & make his wife insecure based on absolutely nothing. Extremely silly IMO.

 

Most spouses know that SO face temptation everyday, to hear about every situation that "could have happened" doesn't make a relationship stronger

 

Nope, disagree. He crossed boundary after boundary and I agree with SL's post above, he behaved like an immature college frat boy. His wife should know he's struggling with these issues. At no time in his post did he say he wondered about his wife or hurting her or hurting himself. He just wondered if anything would happen with this person. VERY immature and needs addressing.

[Whoknew30]

Nope, disagree. He crossed boundary after boundary and I agree with SL's post above, he behaved like an immature college frat boy. His wife should know he's struggling with these issues. At no time in his post did he say he wondered about his wife or hurting her or hurting himself. He just wondered if anything would happen with this person. VERY immature and needs addressing.

 

It was idiot behavior but telling his wife isn't going to anything but make his & her life miserable...change comes from inside not bc one spouse makes them. He was drunk, no one makes the best decisions when drunk, not an excuse but people get looser when drinking, doesn't equal major problems, unless you don't catch one's self.

[BuddyX]

Alcohol alters your actions not your morals. Oldest line in the book "Alcohol made me do it". Nope, that's BS.

Face it. Deep down inside you wanted to cheat. Your question for us should be "I messed up, how do I fix it?"

[Mrin]

I'm a professional business traveler. For over 15 years I've spent 30% - 70% of my time on the road. Meetings. Conferences. Trainings. You name it. What you describe is fairly standard. Happens all the time. I've seen this first hand more times than I can count. I counseled numerous female and male friends through the aftermath of this many times. I never participated in these reindeer games until I was divorced. But when I was married, I had plenty of opportunities as well. I'm not going to get on my moral high horse but will offer some advice at the end that I really hope you read and ponder.

 

1. Yes, she was into you.

 

2. Yes, she was contemplating having sex with you. The "whatever happens in training stays in training" was a dead giveaway. She would have had sex with you that night.

 

3. On the last night she was expecting/hoping to go to your room. Women always want to go to the guy's room and not the other way around. There are a few reasons for this - 1) her bathroom is probably a mess. Lots of cosmetics, small counter space. 2) plausible deniability - if she is spotted leaving your room she can always say she was there for some "legitimate" business reason. You spotted leaving her room means you had sex. 3) most importantly - so she can leave. She doesn't want to wake up to a snoring, hungover hairy dude with morning breath and have the awkward conversation.

 

4. Since she wanted to go to your room, she was expecting and invite. That's easy. Tell her you want to show her something. Like a video or movie that is only on your computer. Basically this is the modern day equivalent of "show her your etchings..." Most any excuse will do - she's just looking for an invite.

 

5. Why? Men have road sex because they're horny. Period. Women do too but there is more to it than that. Being on the road is like being on vacation - especially if they have kids. They are free from the humdrum responsibilities of life and it almost feels unreal/fantasy like. She was indulging in the work trip fling fantasy. You're far away from her family (live in a different town) and have that convenient "whatever happens in training, stays in training" fiction that allows her to construct a barrier between what happens on the road and her real life. So... she was attracted to you sexually, enjoyed your attention and desire and wanted some no strings attached sex.

 

6. Your coworkers and other attendees noticed. Especially any that are seasoned travelers. Some may have already placed bets on you two and whether your hooked up. I'm not kidding. Most assumed you guys hooked up. Beware the rumor mill.

 

7. Now... here's my advice. If you are writing this only because you relish the thought that a stranger was sexually attracted to you and wanted to have sex - then that's ok. There is nothing wrong with liking the idea that you still "have game". Everyone wants to feel desired.

 

If you are writing this because you were sincerely tempted, then you have some thinking to do. Why were you tempted? What's wrong with your marriage? What can change in your marriage so that you wouldn't be tempted? Some people are just programmed for infidelity. It doesn't mean you can't be in a committed and faithful relationship. What it means is that you have to recognize that you're susceptible to infidelity and need to take precautions to make sure you stay on the straight and narrow. They are:

 

- consider taking a job where you don't travel. Travel is the #1 ingredient when it comes to that sort of thing.

 

- avoid those 1:1 pairings like when you went out on the third night. It is cool to be into someone platonically but be conscious about inviting thirds and fourths to join you.

 

- brag about your wife all the time. If you have to, make stuff up. I had a friend who would brag about his wife like she was a rock star or something all the damn time. Later when I got to know him better I found out that their marriage was only "meh" on its best days and he spoke ill of his wife to me in private. I asked him about that and he said he bragged about her as a way of making sure that he didn't cheat while on the road. He didn't want to cheat but knew that if given the right opportunity, he would. So he bragged about his wife to make sure he was never put in the position of having to turn down something.

 

If you are writing this because you are kicking yourself for not sleeping with her - then you have a serious problem on your hands. If left untreated you will cheat, it will affect your marriage and if it doesn't destroy it, it will be forever diminished. Seriously dude, within a year you will have had sex with another woman - i'll bet money on it. Especially if you travel a lot. I guarantee it. You should either:

 

- tell your wife about it. Will be a very very hard conversation. But if you are going to remain married you need to have that transparency and find a way to solve it as a couple.

 

- or you need to get divorced. Seriously dude, this isn't a 7 year itch or something. You've been married for what... two years? You think staying faithful to her is going to get any easier? It won't. It will get exponentially harder. Maybe she isn't the right one for you. Maybe you're not marriage material. Whatever, it is, divorcing now is oh so much cleaner than after an affair(s) and D-Day. Plus, it is the right thing to do for your wife. Don't waste her time on a doomed marriage.

 

My gut says that you're the later of these three options. That you are kicking yourself for not taking your coworker up on some road sex. But my gut tells me that you'll convince yourself that you were only tempted. Either way, like a recovering alcoholic you need to recognize that you have a problem and need to confront it. Either directly or by avoiding temptation.

 

Best of luck man!

 

Mrin

Edited January 3, 2017 by Mrin

[katielee]

telling his wife isn't going to anything but make his & her life miserable...change comes from inside not bc one spouse makes them.

 

He doesn't tell her so she makes him do something, he tells her because he wants to share struggles with her. He tells her as a way to stay accountable to the marriage and his partner in it.

[Mrin]

It was idiot behavior but telling his wife isn't going to anything but make his & her life miserable...change comes from inside not bc one spouse makes them.

 

Sadly, I wish this were the case. Change rarely comes within. The impetus for change certainly does, but lasting change usually requires some sort of external tools and most importantly, accountability. See Weight Watchers. See AA. See any religion in the world. For most of us, without those external constructs, that external accountability, change doesn't last.

[Whoknew30]

He doesn't tell her so she makes him do something, he tells her because he wants to share struggles with her. He tells her as a way to stay accountable to the marriage and his partner in it.

 

His question was did the woman want him & the only answer is...no one knows.

 

He didn't ask for any other advice, which means he doesn't want to tell his wife anything, he just wants to know if the woman wanted him or not. He's a business guy that got drunk, by the format of his question, all he wants to know if he could have cheated. Not if he "should have" or if it's wrong.

[KatieLaw]

My husband had an experience somewhat similar about 10 years ago. Not only did his coworkers notice, they took it upon themselves to conduct a quiet investigation to find out if he was sexually harassing women in their organization. Had anyone said yes, he could have blown his career.

 

I can tell you they were not impressed by his behavior and watched him very carefully but he never got out of line. He never even knew this until his coworker filled me in. This backs up his story that he knew what he did was wrong and was able to self-correct.

 

I should also tell you that he and I and our therapists believe this woman was a mate-poacher. She did want to go to his room and when he turned her down, she became very upset and started wailing that she'd never get another husband. Just saying some do just want NSA sex, but there could be a hidden agenda and it's not a safe game to play.

 

Who knows what the woman wanted from you. It's not important. What you want and wanted is important.

[Whoknew30]

Sadly, I wish this were the case. Change rarely comes within. The impetus for change certainly does, but lasting change usually requires some sort of external tools and most importantly, accountability. See Weight Watchers. See AA. See any religion in the world. For most of us, without those external constructs, that external accountability, change doesn't last.

 

The change comes when the person wants it & then they look for help. Not just bc someone told them to, is what I meant. This guy didn't ask anything but did the woman want him.

 

You can put anyone in AA, church, therapy but unless they want to be there, it won't matter...

[Noirek]

Whether or not the coworker wanted something with you is irrelevant. You obviously want something with her by initiating meeting up and all physical contact. Don't do this to your wife. You will destroy her and yourself. Get into individual counselling. Do not continue cheating. Because while it didn't end in sex what you did was cheating.

[SaltAndLight]

The answers here are simple: you already know you what you wanted to do with her or you wouldn't be posting here and from the sounds of it, i don't hear any remorse. You wanted to sleep with her.

Being in marriage takes INTENTIONAL decisions to stay faithful NO MATTER WHAT, WHO,WHY, or How!! If you are not willing/able to keep the covenant you made to your wife, before God... then you need to sit her down and be 100% transparent about where you are and let her decide where to go with it after that.

[Paco1234]

I think I knew something was happening. That I why I decided not to go "forward"...This is the first time that I feel maybe someone is just interested in me just for "sex"... I just wanted to know your opinion about if her attitudes indicated that she wanted to have just sex with me... do you think so? why asking since the begging specific details about my wife and then having that attitude? Im just trying to understand that...

[BreakOnThrough]

If she wanted to sleep with you Man, it would have happened, that I can guarantee from reading your post...