Thorny past

[Jolene]

My son and I had a great vacation with my bf for two weeks. Before this trip, I agreed with my bf that if the trip went well, we would get married in the next year or two. So everything was going so well, but then on his list of people to send a postcard to was his ex-girlfriend, who he has been only friends with now for 3 years since they split. We have had several arguments over his motives to keep this friendship and how I am not comfortable to meet her because it makes me uncomfortable to be friends with one of his ex girlfriends. He won't budge on this at all whatsoever. In fact, telling him how I feel it is inappropriate only makes him extremely defensive.

 

So we ended up getting into a big fight long story short, and I thought we were going to break up, but then we made up and I think our relationship is better than it ever was. (as long as I don't bring her up anymore...he says he tried to be upfront about their friendship but that I can't handle it, so he just won't tell me about it anymore). I don't think he would cheat on me, but I don't see this girl involved in my life with him in the future, so I can't understand why he doesn't see it that way either. She is not going to be my friend...plain and simple. I can foresee his secrecy as a breach of trust. Can I get past that? I can pretend it doesn't matter I guess.

 

My question is....is it okay for him to continue his friendship with her on a secretive basis because I am not interested in meeting with her and he does not want me to feel anxiety over their friendship. They don't talk an awful lot, and they don't see each other a lot (to the best of my knowledge). But if she called him to come over and ward a raccoon off her roof, he would go running (as if she doesn't have anyone else in the world to call). Also, they send each other birthday and x-mas cards, and they seem to just be friends. He said they broke up because he didn't love her and they weren't going to get married. I think he/she is hanging on to something (what?), so instead of blaming him for trying to be a good friend, I can't help seeing her as a trouble maker and pathetic. How do I conduct myself accordingly without hurting my bf and making him think I don't trust him. I love him. I just don't believe in exes as friends, and certainly not at our wedding.

 

Any thoughts? Maybe I can resolve to just not let her come between us. Sounds easy enough.

[Skeered]

I think that maybe you should meet and talk to her...tell her your feelings and see what she thinks...don't be defensive or accusitory but just be up front with her and see how she would feel..I think her reaction or response to you would tell you volumes as to who is holding on to this relationship. I agree with you that their friendship seems a bit odd...I mean I have remained friends with Exes however I wouldn't send postcards or letters...

 

Just my thoughts?

[Jolene]

Thank you for your thoughts. Most people I talked to think it is odd that they hang on this way. What gets me to the boiling point is his defensiveness on the issue. He thinks I am jealous, immature, and if he gets rid of one friend then I guess I'm just going to make him get rid of all his female friends. I feel stonewalled every time because we just disagree on the issue and he won't see it my way although so many others do.

 

Your suggestion is a good one. I just don't know how I can go from telling him I don't want to meet her to suddenly showing some genuine interest. Also, if I give in, I worry that she really will become a part of our lives that will never go away. I am hoping he'll just drift from her as long as I stand my ground.

 

If I do suggest meeting her and he refuses to introduce me, should I break up with him? We've been together for almost a year now and I have not met this girl or another one of his female friends which he seems to be hiding.

[friskywife]

I am friends with my high school sweetheart. He lives far away. He actually just got remarried to a beautiful girl. Now, we don't send cards or talk on the phone, just an occasional email. My hubby knows about it and he doesn't seem to have any issue with it. It is very innocent. Yes, I care for him and his family and I love to hear of his adventrous life, but that life is not what I want. We are just different people. Try not to worry too much about it and maybe try to meet her someday.

[Jolene]

Thanks, both of you, for your thoughts.

 

Friskywife....I am going to not worry about it and one day meet her. I'll take it from there. I love him and trust him.

[New_Wife]

I actually met my husband through a mutual friend - that was his ex gf. She has since been married twice (is currently married) and both she and her hubby kept in touch with mine. I never really questioned the nature of her still staying friends with him - they grew up together.

 

Our situation turned out a little different though, after we got involved, both friendships ended because she flipped out and pitched a huge fit in front of both my hubby and hers about how insensitive we were to hurt her this way (the relationship was 10 years history), but that's that.

 

It seems like if your guy has invited you to meet his friend - he's on the up and up about it. That's my take anyway. I liked skeered suggestion. Maybe if you take her to coffee, you'll find out that she's a pretty cool chick and you can have a friend in common. Maybe if she's seeing someone, you'll having double-date partners. You just don't know. If, after meeting her, your unrest is worse, then it's time to really have a heart to heart with your guy again.

[RecordProducer]

Don't let it bother you. Accept her as any other friend. If he had an ugly and fat friend or a male friend or a cousin you wouldn't have been jealous. You are allowed to have male friends, right? I completely understand how you feel, but it's wiser of you to tell him that you've been jealous for no reason and you're okay with them being friends. In that way you can always know what's going on.

Just delete the thought from your head. She is not important. But guys don't like it when we try to control their lives so that's why he is reluctant to break up the friendship. If he loved her, he would've been with her. If he wants to cheat on you, he will no matter whether he associates with her or not. There are other women in this world too. I don't think she represents any danger for you whatsoever!