Wife giving me the silent treatment over Ex-Wife

[Lovemywife22]

Hello,

 

Just to give you some background I'm a 28(M) married to a 29(F). I was married before my current wife and that marriage lasted for 4 years. Me and my current wife have been married for a little over a year. My previous marriage ended because my ex wife had different goals than me and we just weren't agreeing on things at the time. We lost contact shortly after the divorce and I met my current wife. Fast forward 3 years later and my current marriage has been going absolutely great so far. My wife is beautiful and we share the same priorities in life. We haven't had any big fights until about a month ago.

 

 

My ex wife messaged me out of the blue just making small talk, it escalated into her telling me that she thinks she made a mistake by ending our marriage and she wishes that we were still married. I told her that I didn't want to talk about this and that things were going good in my new marriage. She continued to message me and finally came right out and asked me if I missed her and thought about her. I told her that I obviously still think about her and miss the way we used to be sometimes because ending the marriage wasn't my choice so obviously I still had some feelings that haven't faded. She said that she felt the same and asked if I would meet her somewhere (she lives about 30 minutes away from me). I said that I really didn't think that that was appropriate but that I would message her later. She then sent me a picture of her in a dress that she got for Christmas and asked what I thought. The picture was a little revealing and to be honest she did look very good in it. I said that she looked good just to be nice and dropped it. I never really thought much of the messages and didn't delete them from my phone. I didn't tell my wife because I knew shed obviously be mad even though I love her and I wouldn't ever go back to my ex wife.

 

2 nights ago my wife and I were in bed and I heard my phone vibrate. It was like 4 in the morning so I didn't even look to see who it was and I fell back asleep. My wife was up watching Netflix and she didn't say anything. A half an hour later I'm awoken by my wife screaming at the top of her lungs calling me an F'ing liar and a cheater. I asked her what in the world she was talking about and she threw my phone at me and the messages between me and my ex wife were on the screen. Apparently my wife was curious of who was texting me at 4 in the morning and checked my phone and there was a text from my ex wife that said Happy New Year. My wife opened up my phone and read all of the other messages between me and her. A huge lump formed in my throat and I didn't know what to say I mean I had admitted to thinking about my ex wife and missing our old marriage sometimes and my wife read them. My wife started crying and freaking out and screaming at me. She said she hated me and she couldn't believe me and said to get the F out of the house. I got dressed in silence while she screamed and cursed at me and called me every name in the book. I left and slept at a friends house that night and tried to text my wife and explain the situation. She wouldent even let me explain she just kept saying that she cant believe I talked to my ex wife behind her back and shes appalled at the things I said about missing her and how I must not love her and must not be happy in the marriage. She said that she doesn't know who I am anymore and doesn't know what to do. I said that I'm really sorry and the texts were out of context with my ex wife. I asked her if I could come back home and she said "I could care less what you do". I went back home the next day and she was sitting on the couch. She had the TV off and she was just sitting there crying. I tried to sit next to her and explain and she pushed me away and told me not to talk to her. I watched tv in the basement for the day and at night I went into our bedroom and got ready to get into bed. My wife was in the bathroom and when she came out she said that shes not sleeping next to me and if I don't get out of the bed and sleep on the couch then shes leaving the house. I walked out of the room and told her shes being ridiculous and she told me that I'm the one that flirted with another woman. So basically for the last month I've had to deal with my wife completely ignoring me and not listening to my apologies. She just doesn't talk to me at all or make dinner or anything, she just pretends like I'm not even there now. Ive been sleeping on the couch every night since that night and its ridiculous. We haven't had sex either and its driving me crazy. She told her family and her mom talked to me about it and said that I ought to be ashamed of myself for letting my ex wife back into my life like that when I'm happily remarried. I didn't even let her back into my life, I mean yeah I do think about my ex wife a lot I mean why Shouldn't I? She was my wife for 4 years!! So of course I still think about her and wonder about her and think back to the way things used to be when I was married to her. that doesn't mean that I don't love my current wife way more (Which I do) or that I'm considering cheating (Which I'm not). No matter what I do my wife wont forgive me. When she actually lets me talk to her for a second she tells me that I wouldn't have said them if I didn't mean them and that she thinks that I've been talking to my ex wife longer than she knows and that I've met up with her and cheated before. This whole ordeal has been blown way out of proportion. Yeah I probably shouldn't have even responded to the messages but I didn't cheat or anything! This was me and my wife's first Christmas together and we spent it not speaking. I feel terrible, every day my wife just doesn't acknowledge me and her whole family knows somethings wrong because I didn't attend any of her family's holiday parties because my wife said she didn't want me to go. Just last night my wife said that she still loves me and shes not leaving but shes really hurt and she doesn't know if she can trust me and that I really hurt her and its gonna take a long time to repair the damage. I thought she was ready to start forgiving me then but today she hasn't spoken a word to me again and when I tried to put my arm around her earlier she told me to get off of her. At dinner there was no food for me once again.

 

 

 

 

I really don't know what to do here. I've visited this site many times before when I was having problems in my old marriage but this is the first time I've actually had to make a post. I guess what I need is some insight here and some suggestions on how to get my wife to forgive me and make things go back to normal. I don't care how long it takes, I love my wife and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make her know I love her. And if any women could maybe tell me what you think my wife is most mad about that would really help so I could focus on repairing that.

 

Thanks! Ill update on here the status of the situation.

[basil67]

I don't think there is any way to explain your way out of this. You could have cut off your ex-w at numerous points but you chose not to. I'm not surprised your wife is angry and suffering a loss of trust.

 

Where to go from here? Start by letting your ex-w know that she is not welcome to contact you again. Then block her on all media.

[Lady2163]

First of all - paragraphs are your friend.

 

Second of all - you are totally in the wrong. 100%

 

It's called boundaries and you don't have them.

 

Ask yourself, truly....why? What did you hope to achieve to have that kind of friendly rapport and banter with your EX-WIFE?

 

On some level it probably stroked your ego. A lot. After X number of years she messages you. She tells you she think she made a mistake. I mean, how great is that to have a woman essentially tell you how good it was?

 

Did you think you'd be able to hang out with your ex-wife and be friends?

 

You needed to shut her down every time she crossed the line. But I don't think you recognized when the line was crossed. But your current wife certainly did.

 

"Yes, I think about you. We had some good times. But I love my life now. We weren't right for each other. I love my wife. I'm very happy."

 

What a thrill it must be that she still wants props from you.

 

"You look nice. But pictures like that make me uncomfortable. I'm not able to be that kind of connection for you."

 

I have a good rapport with my ex husband. We didn't have kids, we don't talk often, but our conversations are drastically different when his wife is around. Normally I say why I'm calling, he answers and we talk about neutral subjects. A couple of days later he calls back if he needs to clarify something. When she isn't around, we talk about shared experiences and mutual friends. Things that I recognize would make her feel left out. We are military buddies with a common past.

 

I think your....honesty with the ex wife is going to cost you this marriage.

 

The problem is with you, not her. It's too late to set limits and boundaries.

 

Ask your wife if she is willing to go to counseling.

 

You broke her trust in you. I hope the ego boost was worth it. You now have a lot of work ahead of you.

[ChevyCamaro]

Well you were not hard to fool... you swallowed her bait and switch without batting an eye. Your ex-wife won, you lost.

 

This is probably exactly what your ex-wife wanted when she started talking to you and sent you that picture.

 

If you have these feelings for your ex-wife, why didn't you stay with her? You should have never entered into this marriage if you still have feelings for your ex.

[S2B]

Since you still harbor feelings for your exW and your current wife knows this and won't communicate with you to RESOLVE the anger - best way to force movement is to divorce her.

 

Why would you stay when a wife won't communicate to resolve the issue? She giving you NO room to fix it.

 

And you fully admitted that you have feeling lingering for another wife.

 

It's ruined...end it and move forward.

 

In the future - don't write things you don't intend for your spouse to read.

[LargoLagg]

Your wife has gone way over the top. That said, you did make a couple of mistakes, but I think that would be your way out of this very small mess, IF YOUR WIFE HAS THE CAPACITY TO BE REASONABLE.

 

1) It doesn't matter what your ex-wife thinks. The trouble is your reaction.

2) You should have shared this news with your wife, like, "hey look at this, I think my ex-wife is having a hard time with something, I'd like to help her but I don't know how" but you didn't, because you feared your wife's reaction.

 

3) Your only excuse now is to say "I wanted to show this stuff to you, but I had a feeling that you'd freak out, which is exactly what you did." In a marriage, you should be comfortable enough to bring this conversation to your wife without fearing an emotional meltdown. This is really the crux of the entire problem.

 

4) But you still have to explain the stuff you said to the ex:

 

a) I still think about her - You can't really help that. You've known her longer. You were married. If your wife had ever asked (did she?) you'd have told her the same thing. I think that's very normal. There is a difference between obsessing over a person, and thinking about them from time to time, and trying to make sense of what has happened in your life.

 

b) You miss the way you were - The most problematic thing you've said. I suppose the only way to explain this is that you were married and it all went south, and that this is not a great memory in your life. "Miss" is probably the wrong way to describe how you feel. Do you really MISS that with her? Maybe you couldn't find the right words is what I'm getting at. Maybe you feel sad that what was once such a warm and easy relationship is now strained. It can be a lot like losing a very close friend, that you'll never feel good about it, even if you accept it. Is that closer to the truth?

 

c) You, to your credit, did not agree to meet. Nor did you delete the texts in any effort to hide what you were doing. That should tell her a lot about your intentions. People who have something to hide, they hide things. You didn't. I don't get the sense you were sloppy.

 

d) The promise to send a message later was probably you figuring out how you could tell her that this is a dead end, in the way that she'd understand it without you being mean to her.

 

e) If she looked nice in the dress, then she looked nice in the dress. It was common courtesy to say so.

 

Tell your wife that your ex-wife is obviously going through something, and you don't want to encourage her, but you didn't want to be heartless either. You didn't know exactly what to say, so you said what you said. Admit your mistake in not telling her, but point out her behavior as your reason why. Her reaction has confirmed your worst fears, and this is not how a spouse should act. Tell her that you really wish she was the kind of wife that you could bring something like this to, that her trust in you should be strong enough that you could show her this without fearing she'd blow up (which she did).

 

If she won't sit down and listen, then involve her family to make her listen. Show them the texts. Tell them something like the above. Remember, these are my words, not yours. You have to be able to explain what you meant. But I think your hands are clean, so don't you act like they are not. Don't give an inch on this cheating charge. Don't listen to people who say you cheated. You did not cheat. That's bulls*t. Cheating would be showing an interest in having some kind of future with her. It would be sharing some expression of affection and love. It would be agreeing to meet. You did none of that. All you really did was lament the dissolution of a marriage. Well guess what? That's a sad event in your life No need to pretend it wasn't, and she's the only one who truly understands what you lost. Clearly your wife has no sympathy for this part of your life. I'm sure you were hurt, and that you've carried some of that hurt with you. Did your wife really think she married someone so heartless as to be happy that his marriage dissolved?

 

Make your wife understand that part of you, because she obviously does not. This is not just about her forgiveness of you. This is also about HER CAPACITY TO BE REASONABLE, TO SEE THINGS FROM YOUR POINT OF VIEW, TO EMPATHIZE WITH WHAT IT MUST BE LIKE TO HAVE A MARRIAGE FAIL. She has to also own being the kind of person that you feel like you can't discuss something like this with. Don't let her escape this feature of her personality like it is normal or good.

 

It isn't. Be the alpha male on this issue. Make sure that your position is heard too. Good luck, OP.

[Noideanow]

Your wife has gone way over the top. That said, you did make a couple of mistakes, but I think that would be your way out of this very small mess, IF YOUR WIFE HAS THE CAPACITY TO BE REASONABLE.

 

1) It doesn't matter what your ex-wife thinks. The trouble is your reaction.

2) You should have shared this news with your wife, like, "hey look at this, I think my ex-wife is having a hard time with something, I'd like to help her but I don't know how" but you didn't, because you feared your wife's reaction.

 

3) Your only excuse now is to say "I wanted to show this stuff to you, but I had a feeling that you'd freak out, which is exactly what you did." In a marriage, you should be comfortable enough to bring this conversation to your wife without fearing an emotional meltdown. This is really the crux of the entire problem.

 

4) But you still have to explain the stuff you said to the ex:

 

a) I still think about her - You can't really help that. You've known her longer. You were married. If your wife had ever asked (did she?) you'd have told her the same thing. I think that's very normal. There is a difference between obsessing over a person, and thinking about them from time to time, and trying to make sense of what has happened in your life.

 

b) You miss the way you were - The most problematic thing you've said. I suppose the only way to explain this is that you were married and it all went south, and that this is not a great memory in your life. "Miss" is probably the wrong way to describe how you feel. Do you really MISS that with her? Maybe you couldn't find the right words is what I'm getting at. Maybe you feel sad that what was once such a warm and easy relationship is now strained. It can be a lot like losing a very close friend, that you'll never feel good about it, even if you accept it. Is that closer to the truth?

 

c) You, to your credit, did not agree to meet. Nor did you delete the texts in any effort to hide what you were doing. That should tell her a lot about your intentions. People who have something to hide, they hide things. You didn't. I don't get the sense you were sloppy.

 

d) The promise to send a message later was probably you figuring out how you could tell her that this is a dead end, in the way that she'd understand it without you being mean to her.

 

e) If she looked nice in the dress, then she looked nice in the dress. It was common courtesy to say so.

 

Tell your wife that your ex-wife is obviously going through something, and you don't want to encourage her, but you didn't want to be heartless either. You didn't know exactly what to say, so you said what you said. Admit your mistake in not telling her, but point out her behavior as your reason why. Her reaction has confirmed your worst fears, and this is not how a spouse should act. Tell her that you really wish she was the kind of wife that you could bring something like this to, that her trust in you should be strong enough that you could show her this without fearing she'd blow up (which she did).

 

If she won't sit down and listen, then involve her family to make her listen. Show them the texts. Tell them something like the above. Remember, these are my words, not yours. You have to be able to explain what you meant. But I think your hands are clean, so don't you act like they are not. Don't give an inch on this cheating charge. Don't listen to people who say you cheated. You did not cheat. That's bulls*t. Cheating would be showing an interest in having some kind of future with her. It would be sharing some expression of affection and love. It would be agreeing to meet. You did none of that. All you really did was lament the dissolution of a marriage. Well guess what? That's a sad event in your life No need to pretend it wasn't, and she's the only one who truly understands what you lost. Clearly your wife has no sympathy for this part of your life. I'm sure you were hurt, and that you've carried some of that hurt with you. Did your wife really think she married someone so heartless as to be happy that his marriage dissolved?

 

Make your wife understand that part of you, because she obviously does not. This is not just about her forgiveness of you. This is also about HER CAPACITY TO BE REASONABLE, TO SEE THINGS FROM YOUR POINT OF VIEW, TO EMPATHIZE WITH WHAT IT MUST BE LIKE TO HAVE A MARRIAGE FAIL. She has to also own being the kind of person that you feel like you can't discuss something like this with. Don't let her escape this feature of her personality like it is normal or good.

 

It isn't. Be the alpha male on this issue. Make sure that your position is heard too. Good luck, OP.

 

Are you serious? A person with unreseolved feeling is like uncontrolled fire to a new one, you seem to be excusing every wrongdoing he did, what if he meant what he did? Actually WANTS his xwife too,? And the thing about cheating and a future:: Ohh flirted with him or her, kissed a little a little sex but honey you are being unreasonable because i don't see a future with him\her so come on don't be so silly;)

[Noideanow]

"Did your wife really think she married someone so heartless as to be happy that his marriage dissolved?

 

.

 

Offcource a woman or man falling in love expect their partner to be HAPPY that their previous marriage resolved, because otherwise he\she wouldn't be with him\her now.. In life one has to admit to oneself when one made a mistake and be happy to correct it and be free, offcource mistakes can be seen in the positive light that without them we wouldn't be where we are today but still corrected they had to be:bunny: He can swallow in his past misery with xwife but he will prevent the love in front of him this very moment because he can't accept she was a mistake IF she was?? Which is where we end again:o

[AMarriedMan]

Hello,

 

Just to give you some background I'm a 28(M) married to a 29(F). I was married before my current wife and that marriage lasted for 4 years. Me and my current wife have been married for a little over a year. My previous marriage ended because my ex wife had different goals than me and we just weren't agreeing on things at the time. We lost contact shortly after the divorce and I met my current wife. Fast forward 3 years later and my current marriage has been going absolutely great so far. My wife is beautiful and we share the same priorities in life. We haven't had any big fights until about a month ago.

 

 

My ex wife messaged me out of the blue just making small talk, it escalated into her telling me that she thinks she made a mistake by ending our marriage and she wishes that we were still married. I told her that I didn't want to talk about this and that things were going good in my new marriage. She continued to message me and finally came right out and asked me if I missed her and thought about her. I told her that I obviously still think about her and miss the way we used to be sometimes because ending the marriage wasn't my choice so obviously I still had some feelings that haven't faded. She said that she felt the same and asked if I would meet her somewhere (she lives about 30 minutes away from me). I said that I really didn't think that that was appropriate but that I would message her later. She then sent me a picture of her in a dress that she got for Christmas and asked what I thought. The picture was a little revealing and to be honest she did look very good in it. I said that she looked good just to be nice and dropped it. I never really thought much of the messages and didn't delete them from my phone. I didn't tell my wife because I knew shed obviously be mad even though I love her and I wouldn't ever go back to my ex wife.

 

2 nights ago my wife and I were in bed and I heard my phone vibrate. It was like 4 in the morning so I didn't even look to see who it was and I fell back asleep. My wife was up watching Netflix and she didn't say anything. A half an hour later I'm awoken by my wife screaming at the top of her lungs calling me an F'ing liar and a cheater. I asked her what in the world she was talking about and she threw my phone at me and the messages between me and my ex wife were on the screen. Apparently my wife was curious of who was texting me at 4 in the morning and checked my phone and there was a text from my ex wife that said Happy New Year. My wife opened up my phone and read all of the other messages between me and her. A huge lump formed in my throat and I didn't know what to say I mean I had admitted to thinking about my ex wife and missing our old marriage sometimes and my wife read them. My wife started crying and freaking out and screaming at me. She said she hated me and she couldn't believe me and said to get the F out of the house. I got dressed in silence while she screamed and cursed at me and called me every name in the book. I left and slept at a friends house that night and tried to text my wife and explain the situation. She wouldent even let me explain she just kept saying that she cant believe I talked to my ex wife behind her back and shes appalled at the things I said about missing her and how I must not love her and must not be happy in the marriage. She said that she doesn't know who I am anymore and doesn't know what to do. I said that I'm really sorry and the texts were out of context with my ex wife. I asked her if I could come back home and she said "I could care less what you do". I went back home the next day and she was sitting on the couch. She had the TV off and she was just sitting there crying. I tried to sit next to her and explain and she pushed me away and told me not to talk to her. I watched tv in the basement for the day and at night I went into our bedroom and got ready to get into bed. My wife was in the bathroom and when she came out she said that shes not sleeping next to me and if I don't get out of the bed and sleep on the couch then shes leaving the house. I walked out of the room and told her shes being ridiculous and she told me that I'm the one that flirted with another woman. So basically for the last month I've had to deal with my wife completely ignoring me and not listening to my apologies. She just doesn't talk to me at all or make dinner or anything, she just pretends like I'm not even there now. Ive been sleeping on the couch every night since that night and its ridiculous. We haven't had sex either and its driving me crazy. She told her family and her mom talked to me about it and said that I ought to be ashamed of myself for letting my ex wife back into my life like that when I'm happily remarried. I didn't even let her back into my life, I mean yeah I do think about my ex wife a lot I mean why Shouldn't I? She was my wife for 4 years!! So of course I still think about her and wonder about her and think back to the way things used to be when I was married to her. that doesn't mean that I don't love my current wife way more (Which I do) or that I'm considering cheating (Which I'm not). No matter what I do my wife wont forgive me. When she actually lets me talk to her for a second she tells me that I wouldn't have said them if I didn't mean them and that she thinks that I've been talking to my ex wife longer than she knows and that I've met up with her and cheated before. This whole ordeal has been blown way out of proportion. Yeah I probably shouldn't have even responded to the messages but I didn't cheat or anything! This was me and my wife's first Christmas together and we spent it not speaking. I feel terrible, every day my wife just doesn't acknowledge me and her whole family knows somethings wrong because I didn't attend any of her family's holiday parties because my wife said she didn't want me to go. Just last night my wife said that she still loves me and shes not leaving but shes really hurt and she doesn't know if she can trust me and that I really hurt her and its gonna take a long time to repair the damage. I thought she was ready to start forgiving me then but today she hasn't spoken a word to me again and when I tried to put my arm around her earlier she told me to get off of her. At dinner there was no food for me once again.

 

 

 

 

I really don't know what to do here. I've visited this site many times before when I was having problems in my old marriage but this is the first time I've actually had to make a post. I guess what I need is some insight here and some suggestions on how to get my wife to forgive me and make things go back to normal. I don't care how long it takes, I love my wife and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make her know I love her. And if any women could maybe tell me what you think my wife is most mad about that would really help so I could focus on repairing that.

 

Thanks! Ill update on here the status of the situation.

 

If I were in your situation, I would not have responded to my ex-wife saying that I still had some feelings for her even if I had. First of all, why get her hopes up if I had no intention of ever leaving my current wife? Also, I would not have risked of my current wife finding out about communication. I would simply have told my ex-wife that I no longer saw any potential between us and wished her a good future. I might even have blocked her number.

 

Why would you encourage your ex-wife one bit? Besides, like somebody else wrote, your ex might be contacting you just to mess you up.

[darkmoon]

only a lavish gift to your wife, a real big gesture, will prove you love her, hopefully

[dreamingoftigers]

If I were in your situation, I would not have responded to my ex-wife saying that I still had some feelings for her even if I had. First of all, why get her hopes up if I had no intention of ever leaving my current wife? Also, I would not have risked of my current wife finding out about communication. I would simply have told my ex-wife that I no longer saw any potential between us and wished her a good future. I might even have blocked her number.

 

Why would you encourage your ex-wife one bit? Besides, like somebody else wrote, your ex might be contacting you just to mess you up.

 

OP,

 

I'm frankly having a hard time believing that you DIDN'T cheat or at the very least would have jumped at any chance to get with your ex-wife.

 

Any adult would clearly see the manipulating attempt on behalf of your ex, assuming everything is 100% accurate.

 

I think the ONLY way to even start to repair your relationship with your wife is to drop the defensiveness 110%, decide EXACTLY what your priority is and get into marital counseling. And read up on boundaries while you are at it.

[elaine567]

A second wife is always going to be insecure about the first wife.

Here, all her nightmares came true.

 

I told her that

 

I obviously still think about her and miss the way we used to be sometimes because ending the marriage wasn't my choice so

obviously I still had some feelings that haven't faded.

She said that she felt the same and asked if I would meet her somewhere (she lives about 30 minutes away from me). I said that I really didn't think that that was appropriate

but that I would message her later.

 

YOUR current wife will never forget all about this. Here you admitted to having regrets about how your first marriage ended, and you have feelings for your ex wife that haven't faded and I guess "I will message you later" means you WILL meet her sometime...

 

Your wife may decide that this is not enough to end the marriage, but the "love story" ends here, the blind trust is gone, she doesn't know who you are any more and that is a huge problem.

A husband is "supposed" to love his wife and only his wife, he is not "supposed" to harbour strong feelings for his ex. By admitting that you do in black and white and to your ex wife of all people, is a huge betrayal.

How does your current wife come back from this? Her marriage is now a sham.

 

I fear you may have ruined this irreparably.

[Whodatdog]

You have to decide if you want to save your marriage.

 

If you dont know, then you know.

 

If you do know, you have to repair the damage you have done. It might take a long time, but if your marriage is good, its worth it.

 

First thing you have to do, it cut all contact with ex wife. Not one more bit of communication with her, not one text stating you cant talk with her anymore. None. Nada. zip. Zero.

 

You were 100% wrong. Nearly as badly as if you cheated, because your wife has lost trust in you. It will take time to get it back. Your life has to be an open book. You have to apologize, over and over. Your wife has to be able to believe you were wrong, and that she is NUMBER ONE. She has to believe it. You have to make her believe it. You have to do whatever it takes to make her feel good again.

 

Good luck.

[Popsicle]

You wanna go back to your first wife??????

Oh dear god.....

[mikeylo]

You gave your ex wife exactly what she wanted. Now deal with it.

[ChevyCamaro]

I've read the OP again and now it all becomes even clearer.

 

So your ex-wife left you and humiliated you? Then when you find a woman that truly respects you and loves you, your ex-wife gets jealous and want you to be as miserable as before. She decides to initiate contact with you and trick you into this mess. As the chump you are she just needed to send a little "revealing" pic' and you proved, once again, how gullible you are.

 

How can you disrespect and embarass yourself this way? If she left you (for another man?) you should have just ignored her.

[stillafool]

You should have blocked your exwife and ended contact along time ago. I don't blame your wife one bit for being angry and feeling disrespected. There is no reason what so ever for you to be in contact with your ex wife. You don't have kids with her.

[elaine567]

I've read the OP again and now it all becomes even clearer.

 

So your ex-wife left you and humiliated you? Then when you find a woman that truly respects you and loves you, your ex-wife gets jealous and want you to be as miserable as before. She decides to initiate contact with you and trick you into this mess. As the chump you are she just needed to send a little "revealing" pic' and you proved, once again, how gullible you are.

 

How can you disrespect and embarass yourself this way? If she left you (for another man?) you should have just ignored her.

 

Yes, the ex wife may be a conniving piece of work who engineered this whole episode to upset the OP and wreck his marriage as she is sitting at home lonely, jealous and resentful.

 

OR she may just be a woman who genuinely feels she made a mistake and is reaching out to the op to see if their marriage can be resuscitated. He didn't exactly cut her off stone dead though did he?

Yes, he is married and she should have stayed away but nothing ventured nothing gained, fortune favours the brave, true love conquers all...

The OP gave her enough encouragement to start texting her about his "feelings" hence why the current wife is so upset.

 

BTW No-where did he say she left him for another man.

[sandylee1]

This situation is 100% your fault and I don't blame your wife for being upset.

 

How would you feel if your wife told her Ex she still had feelings and liked how things were and regretted how it ended.

 

You said you'd message her later, so I'm not convinced you would not have passed up the chance to sleep with her if she offered it. Why did you even respond to her text about the dress.

 

Men ... you guys just don't get it. Well some of you don't anyway.

 

This has caused serious damage to your marriage and it's unlikely to be the same again. That trust is gone.

[ShatteredLady]

If you want to save your marriage you need to 'get-it' & any defense of your contact with your ex proves that you're not even close to understanding the level of devastation & agony you have caused your wife!

 

Your wife is probably talking to you & then going back to pushing you away because you keep trying to defend yourself!

 

YOU ARE 100% IN THE WRONG!!

 

Please get that through your head or you are going to loose your wife!

 

Have some empathy, real empathy. You have lied by omission. Any comments that you were in anyway correct in keeping the secret because 'look at her behavior now!' are simply ridiculous!! Her reaction would have been completely different if you had been honest & shut-down your ex at the start!

 

Your wife has read your words. She's not inside your head. All she knows is that you shared flirtations with your ex, you & your ex share secrets over her, you shared intimacies & ego strokes. How on earth do you expect her to trust you & believe that you had no adulterous intent?

 

You want to help your wife heal & save your marriage?

 

You could try writing your ex a scathing message stating that you have absolutely no interest in ever talking to her again. That you were only being polite & trying not to hurt her feelings but you didn't mean your words, you were completely wrong. That you are glad you divorced because it set you free to meet & marry the love of your life, the woman you want to have children with, the woman you want to spend your life with....AND copy in your wife.

 

You are NOT witnessing your wife throwing a tantrum. You are watching a woman's heart break!! YOU are completely responsible for this. She is NOT being unreasonable. She is severely traumatized. Her life is a lie! She is second place. You want your ex back. You are fantasizing about your ex ALL the time...that's what she's thinking! It's not just a dress! In her head you're saying that your ex is more attractive!

 

Read what you & your ex secretly shared & try to think like a devastated, heart broken woman. Then & only then you might be able to fix what YOU broke. Never, ever have any contact with your ex again.

[sandylee1]

ShatteredL has said this so well. You have no idea how devastated she is and you ought to take the advice of replying to your Ex with whatever SL said. Tell her the past is the past and you've moved on and are happy with your wife. She should move on with her life and not contact you again.

 

 

At least when your wife starts speaking to you, you can show her the messages sent to yoyr Ex unprompted.

 

Youve got some serious grovelling to do.

[Noirek]

You say this happened a month ago and the you say it was two nights ago that your wife found out. If it has been only two nights you need ro give her a little time (plus a lot has happened for only two nights)

 

Sadly we live in a world full of people who feel instead of think. And they like to believe exe's only bring up feelings of yuck and disgust. No fond memories. Its a sad reality. So most people fake it and never ever admit to their spouse they have any fond memories. Why break the illusion? Well you just did.

 

Your fond memories are not wrong. Your human. But, you should have shut her down right away. Personal talk with an ex is, as you have learned, a hazard to your marriage. Unfortunately you can't undo it. If it really has been two days give your wife time and space. And apologize for having such horrible boundaries.

[olivetree]

Hello,

 

2 nights ago my wife and I were in bed and I heard my phone vibrate. It was like 4 in the morning so I didn't even look to see who it was and I fell back asleep. My wife was up watching Netflix and she didn't say anything. A half an hour later I'm awoken by my wife screaming at the top of her lungs calling me an F'ing liar and a cheater. I asked her what in the world she was talking about and she threw my phone at me and the messages between me and my ex wife were on the screen. Apparently my wife was curious of who was texting me at 4 in the morning and checked my phone and there was a text from my ex wife that said Happy New Year. My wife opened up my phone and read all of the other messages between me and her. A huge lump formed in my throat and I didn't know what to say I mean I had admitted to thinking about my ex wife and missing our old marriage sometimes and my wife read them. My wife started crying and freaking out and screaming at me. She said she hated me and she couldn't believe me and said to get the F out of the house. I got dressed in silence while she screamed and cursed at me and called me every name in the book. I left and slept at a friends house that night and tried to text my wife and explain the situation. She wouldent even let me explain she just kept saying that she cant believe I talked to my ex wife behind her back and shes appalled at the things I said about missing her and how I must not love her and must not be happy in the marriage. She said that she doesn't know who I am anymore and doesn't know what to do. I said that I'm really sorry and the texts were out of context with my ex wife. I asked her if I could come back home and she said "I could care less what you do". I went back home the next day and she was sitting on the couch. She had the TV off and she was just sitting there crying. I tried to sit next to her and explain and she pushed me away and told me not to talk to her. I watched tv in the basement for the day and at night I went into our bedroom and got ready to get into bed. My wife was in the bathroom and when she came out she said that shes not sleeping next to me and if I don't get out of the bed and sleep on the couch then shes leaving the house. I walked out of the room and told her shes being ridiculous and she told me that I'm the one that flirted with another woman. So basically for the last month I've had to deal with my wife completely ignoring me and not listening to my apologies. She just doesn't talk to me at all or make dinner or anything, she just pretends like I'm not even there now. Ive been sleeping on the couch every night since that night and its ridiculous. We haven't had sex either and its driving me crazy. She told her family and her mom talked to me about it and said that I ought to be ashamed of myself for letting my ex wife back into my life like that when I'm happily remarried. I didn't even let her back into my life, I mean yeah I do think about my ex wife a lot I mean why Shouldn't I? She was my wife for 4 years!! So of course I still think about her and wonder about her and think back to the way things used to be when I was married to her. that doesn't mean that I don't love my current wife way more (Which I do) or that I'm considering cheating (Which I'm not). No matter what I do my wife wont forgive me. When she actually lets me talk to her for a second she tells me that I wouldn't have said them if I didn't mean them and that she thinks that I've been talking to my ex wife longer than she knows and that I've met up with her and cheated before. This whole ordeal has been blown way out of proportion. Yeah I probably shouldn't have even responded to the messages but I didn't cheat or anything! This was me and my wife's first Christmas together and we spent it not speaking. I feel terrible, every day my wife just doesn't acknowledge me and her whole family knows somethings wrong because I didn't attend any of her family's holiday parties because my wife said she didn't want me to go. Just last night my wife said that she still loves me and shes not leaving but shes really hurt and she doesn't know if she can trust me and that I really hurt her and its gonna take a long time to repair the damage. I thought she was ready to start forgiving me then but today she hasn't spoken a word to me again and when I tried to put my arm around her earlier she told me to get off of her. At dinner there was no food for me once again.

 

 

So your wife only found out about your communication two nights ago??

The way you write it sounds like it has been weeks!

It doesn't make sense that you spent Christmas apart when Christmas was over a week ago.

You betrayed your wife and you're sad that she didn't cook for you. And again, for only two nights.

I hope that was a typo and you meant two weeks or months ago.

And even then, you should expect to be making amends and earning her trust back for a long time.

Shattered Lady is spot in her response.

[BettyDraper]

ShatteredL has said this so well. You have no idea how devastated she is and you ought to take the advice of replying to your Ex with whatever SL said. Tell her the past is the past and you've moved on and are happy with your wife. She should move on with her life and not contact you again.

 

 

At least when your wife starts speaking to you, you can show her the messages sent to yoyr Ex unprompted.

 

Youve got some serious grovelling to do.

 

This. You should not have been in contact with your ex in the first place.

I would be livid if my husband was chatting with an ex without my knowledge and telling her that she looks good in her clothes. WTF?

[elaine567]

So your wife only found out about your communication two nights ago??

The way you write it sounds like it has been weeks!

It doesn't make sense that you spent Christmas apart when Christmas was over a week ago.

You betrayed your wife and you're sad that she didn't cook for you. And again, for only two nights.

I hope that was a typo and you meant two weeks or months ago.

And even then, you should expect to be making amends and earning her trust back for a long time.

Shattered Lady is spot in her response.

 

Timeline is all over the place.

So basically for the last month I've had to deal with my wife completely ignoring me and not listening to my apologies. She just doesn't talk to me at all or make dinner or anything, she just pretends like I'm not even there now. Ive been sleeping on the couch every night since that night and its ridiculous. We haven't had sex either and its driving me crazy.