Wife giving me the silent treatment over Ex-Wife

[ShatteredLady]

Timeline is all over the place.

 

OP will you please explain this?

 

Everything started with a 4am "Happy New Year" message. Yes?

You posted on January 3rd.

 

What's all this about Christmas?

 

Will you please put your story straight? It's awfully confused.

[Lovemywife22]

UPDATE

 

FIrst of all I would just like to say that my ex wife did not leave me for a hotter guy, she has been single since our divorce.

 

Also, I never had any intentions of cheating on my current wife.

 

I bought my wife some late Christmas gifts today since we didn't celebrate as a couple because of this whole thing. I left them on the table and when she got home she didn't touch them for 2 hours. I told her that the gifts were for her and she said that me buying her gifts wasn't the way to make her forgive me. I asked her to please open the gifts and she told me to give them to my Ex wife. I got mad and picked up the stack of gifts and set them on her lap while she was sitting on the couch. My wife got mad and threw the gifts across the room. She ran to the bedroom and locked me out. I tried to talk to her and she told me to leave her alone and she's not talking to me.

 

 

I really thought that the Christmas gifts would at least make my wife a little happier with me but they just made her more furious. I don't know what to do. Before my wife left to go shopping today she told me that what I did to her makes her sick. I feel bad for my wife, after reading people's responses yesterday I realized the magnitude of what I did to my wife. My wife is so beautiful and such an amazing woman for me and I cant believe that I betrayed her like this. The damage is already done however and I just hope things can return back to they way they were very soon.

 

 

As far as the typo is concerned I meant to say the text read "Happy Thanksgiving" Not "Happy New Years". My wife has known about the messages for over a month.

[MJJean]

Since you're starting to see how this has hurt her, perhaps you should schedule a surprise marriage counseling session as a gift.

[Standard-Fare]

Am I the only one here who has a little sympathy for the OP?

 

Now, don't get me wrong: He behaved foolishly and he willingly disrespected his current marriage. His wife has every reason to feel hurt, furious, insecure, and to take her sweet-ass time forgiving him and trying to trust him again (if she ever does).

 

But on the other hand, is this situation really as black and white as people here are trying to make it? All adults carry their pasts with them, including past loves. Old feelings do not just wipe out cleanly when you're with a new person, however in love and committed you are with that new person.

 

The texts with the ex-wife are an HONEST part of him, that would be a layer of his psyche regardless of whether or not they were expressed via words. We all have these types of complicated emotions and nostalgia as a part of our interior life; all of our partners do as well. We're complex beings!

 

The mistake this guy made was allowing this private side to be nudged to the surface, ultimately for his wife to see. That doesn't mean he's a cheater. That doesn't mean that he wanted to get back with his ex. If he was really harboring such desires, he would have deleted those texts out of guilt; and he would have ran into his ex's arms as soon as things hit rock bottom with his current wife.

 

I'm not excusing the behavior, but I find it very human and relatable and in some way ultimately forgivable.

[whichwayisup]

I think you learned a painful lesson - Not having strong boundaries and having inappropriate conversations with your ex wife. It was a huge mistake to even 'go' there with her and also comment on the picture she sent you. She came fishing and you got hooked in.

 

Another huge mistake, not telling your wife about your ex contacting and wanting to get back together. You hid it and got busted now your wife doesn't trust you at all.

 

You gotta come clean, totally be honest and apologize.

 

Be an open book, give your wife access to all your social media. Allow her to react how she's reacting. She's hurt and yes, scared that you're going to leave her.

 

Show her love by respecting what she's asking you to do. Ask her what she wants, communicate. Go to counseling together if need be. She needs to feel secure again and right now she doesn't at all. She feels betrayed and jealous, hurt and scared that her husband is lusting after his ex wife and wanting her back.

 

Buying her gifts isn't the answer. You could turn your poop into diamonds, it wouldn't impress her.

 

Start by writing your ex wife and tell her to not contact you anymore and to respect your wishes. Then block your ex. Have your wife see you do this too.

[Simple Logic]

Tell your wife you do not know what to do to fix this, but you do not want a divource. Ask If she wants to stay married or get to get a divorce. If she wants to stay married, ask what she thinks need to be done to do that.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Dude can you not see how buying her gifts would only piss her off more? You really thought that would work somehow to repair the damage? A gift bought at a store? Brother you've got a lot to learn.

 

Instead of back peddling in your own shoes and tripping over your own feet while you're at it, try placing yourself in hers for just a moment. Try to fully understand and feel her pain, disgust, and complete loss of trust in you. Start there if nowhere else. Maybe it will stop you from doing something stupid and petty like perhaps trying to buy her a gift and hope she snaps out of this somehow without real work on your part.

 

Time to man up and DO SOMETHING about all this. Not sit around and buy a gift. What did that take you? An hour at the store and a couple of bucks? WTF is wrong with you? of course that's going to piss her off! Block your ex permanently. Tell her you never want to speak with her again. Do not contact me ever again. Let your wife read the message, then block her number and delete block her from everything you have. Hand over any and every password your wife may not have of yours. Most importantly listen to her. She has every right to go off on you without your input and without interruption. Allow her the right to express how you have made her feel. Understand that THAT IS HOW YOU MADE HER FEEL!! Intentions mean NOTHING right now, has absolutely nothing to do with HOW SHE FEELS. Then put in all the real work required to try and rebuild the cornerstone you just recently shattered before the entire thing comes crumbling down around you.

 

That is if you truly want to salvage your marriage and learn to grow up a bit while you're at it.

[lolablue17]

You got tons of advice about how you did wrong, so I'm not going to repeat the obvious. All true.

 

But the question is what now? apparently your wife find's it difficult to get over this. What you describe is not a process, she's acting the same for a whole month with no change. I guess she is really really hurt, but eventualy everyone has to take responsibility, including your wife. I don't know when and if she calms down and start talking to you, trying to repair things, but right now she's not there, and it's her call.

 

I advice you to be patient, but after you decide that it cannot go on like this (maybe today, maybe in another month), you should make some decisions, so must she

 

When the you think the time has come, you should talk to her and say that this (in your own words of course) :

 

"My dear wife, I admit that I ****ed up. If it's totally ruined and there is nothing to save, than let's start a separation and divorce process. Why keep maintaining this situation in which we both miserable. If you can never forgive me, than what's the point of dragging it?

 

My dear wife, If you decide to give it a chance, I don't want you to be with me while holding resentment for ever. If you do, it will slowly ruin everything. If you can never trust me, let's finish it now, but if you're willing to try, eventually I will need your full trust, because if i don't have your trust, than I have no wish to stay in this marriage".

 

You can tell her that you're willing to do what ever it takes to gain her trust back, but her trust as a goal is a "must". And if she thinks that the trust will never come back, you of course support and understand her, but she must tell you this. Because the minute you lose hope to have her trust and forgiveness, the same minute you're filing for divorce.

 

Your wife is an adult, and she can't forever play a baby's breaking toys for mom and dad's attention. You did what you did, and you take responsibility for your mistakes but a marriage, in which one side doesn't talk, humiliates the other, silently treat the other for a long period, no matter if she has all justifications in the world - is a hopeless marriage.

Edited January 4, 2017 by lolablue17

[mikeylo]

Like you said, damage is done. Where you are completely wrong is , in your thinking.

 

Even if you spent 20 years with someone, it doesn't matter what they are wearing or not, what they do or not. You are in a new relationship and it is common sense, unsaid rule that you don't give any compliments , praise or even acknowledge them unnecessary. If they are or were that important to you, then why did you break up or why don't you just go back to them ? Something called respect for your current and hopefully future partner and your relationship with them. If you don't know the basics of having a relationship then you are not a relationship material. Period. Your thinking is wrong. So what if you spent 4 or 40 years? It's a past.

 

Your wife also has eyes and a past with someone. Even if you are her first , she still has eyes and can get aroused or catch feelings for another guy who is hotter than you. Don't take her for granted. You have opened the door for falling in her eyes. She now sees you as a disgusting man. A guy , whom a woman will show her half ass or boob , will start sending messages. A guy who is so easy to get carried away from his morals and ethics over an ass or boob! The guy form of woman slut.

 

I have no advise how you are going to change her perception of you but good luck. Remember, she has eyes and you have opened the door for her to look around.

[ShatteredLady]

I advised you on the kind of thing you NEED to write to your ex. Have you done that?

 

At the moment you have 'secrets' & flirtations with another woman...worse than that YOUR EX!! Another woman is thinking you find her hot in her skimpy dress & you have feelings for her. You must KILL THAT!! Prove you love your wife by telling your ex that she is NOTHING because you love your wife so much.

 

It's not that complicated.

 

You left the door open saying you would get back to your ex. CLOSE THE DOOR FOREVER! Hurt your ex to PROVE your love for your wife. You wrote all of those nice things because you wanted to. Show your wife it was a huge mistake.

 

Send the message & show it to your wife. Be cold & hard. Copy your WIFE.

[Mr. Lucky]

My wife got mad and threw the gifts across the room. She ran to the bedroom and locked me out. I tried to talk to her and she told me to leave her alone and she's not talking to me.

 

I'd say the OP is 0 for 2 in terms of marrying reasonable women...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ShatteredLady]

I'd say the OP is 0 for 2 in terms of marrying reasonable women...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

....or 0 for 2 in terms of knowing how to behave as a husband!

[basil67]

Tell your wife you do not know what to do to fix this, but you do not want a divource. Ask If she wants to stay married or get to get a divorce. If she wants to stay married, ask what she thinks need to be done to do that.

 

This.

 

Try the words "how can I make this better?"

[olivetree]

This.

 

Try the words "how can I make this better?"

 

Personally, I would not want my husband to ask me this without first trying everything he can think of himself.

I would think, so he caused me a world of hurt, now he wants me to think of solutions??

I would want to see that he really thought about things.

As others suggested, offer passwords, block ex and show her, give your wife a heartfelt explanation, telling her how much she means to you, what an idiot you are (perhaps in a letter if she won't listen to you), tell her you want to go to counselling, etc.

Let her know you need to earn her trust back and will work for it.

But also let her know that the silent treatment can't go on forever, as neither of you can live like this.

So, after you've shown that you have really reflected on things and explored yourself, then I think that it is okay to say this.

[typingrandma]

Wow! Well, you asked for an honest opinion, so here it goes... It sounds like you know that what you did was not wisdom. You betrayed your wife's trust and now you are going to have to work HARD to get it back! You've got to give her some time. Meanwhile, just give her all the love and attention you can and "court her" until you earn back that trust, no matter how long it takes. Meanwhile, cut off ANY relationship with your EX to the BONE! NO CONTACT!! Build a record of choices and deeds that proves to your partner you can be trusted at all times!! Be an open book! In time, you can win her back and your marriage can be stronger if you persevere. Be patient with your wife. You made this situation what it is unfortunately. Only hard work and patience and loving kindness can fix it. It will be worth it!!!

[elaine567]

Don't mention the word divorce at all.

One hint that divorce is on your mind could make things 1000X worse.

Don't even say that you do NOT want to get a divorce.

All she will hear is the word "divorce" and along with what happened with your ex wife she will put 2 and 2 together and make 5.

[sandylee1]

Tell your wife you do not know what to do to fix this, but you do not want a divource. Ask If she wants to stay married or get to get a divorce. If she wants to stay married, ask what she thinks need to be done to do that.

 

That would pi** me off.

 

Asking if I want a divorce after the mess he's created.

 

Turn this around ..... OP what could your wife do to make amends, if she was the one having the flirty talk with her Ex? Empathy will help you here. ... as well as listening to what has been said about contacting your Ex, telling her to never contact you again and blocking her.

 

A failure to even to do these things, would seal your fate if it were my husband.

[ShatteredLady]

Don't mention the word divorce at all.

One hint that divorce is on your mind could make things 1000X worse.

Don't even say that you do NOT want to get a divorce.

All she will hear is the word "divorce" and along with what happened with your ex wife she will put 2 and 2 together and make 5.

 

 

Please read this & take it in!

 

I'm a wife who has read messages between my husband & his ex. It's agony!!

 

Please DO NOT let the word "DIVORCE" pass your lips.

 

I believe that your wife is not getting any recovery because you keep trying to justify your actions when you should be empathising & apologizing.

[oldshirt]

Am I the only one here who has a little sympathy for the OP?

 

Now, don't get me wrong: He behaved foolishly and he willingly disrespected his current marriage. His wife has every reason to feel hurt, furious, insecure, and to take her sweet-ass time forgiving him and trying to trust him again (if she ever does).

 

But on the other hand, is this situation really as black and white as people here are trying to make it? All adults carry their pasts with them, including past loves. Old feelings do not just wipe out cleanly when you're with a new person, however in love and committed you are with that new person.

 

The texts with the ex-wife are an HONEST part of him, that would be a layer of his psyche regardless of whether or not they were expressed via words. We all have these types of complicated emotions and nostalgia as a part of our interior life; all of our partners do as well. We're complex beings!

 

The mistake this guy made was allowing this private side to be nudged to the surface, ultimately for his wife to see. That doesn't mean he's a cheater. That doesn't mean that he wanted to get back with his ex. If he was really harboring such desires, he would have deleted those texts out of guilt; and he would have ran into his ex's arms as soon as things hit rock bottom with his current wife.

 

I'm not excusing the behavior, but I find it very human and relatable and in some way ultimately forgivable.

 

Yeah, I think people are being a little harsh on the OP, assuming what he is saying is in fact the whole truth.

 

Sorry folks but many people do not live in hatred and loathing of their ex's.

 

If my wife's X (who I almost got into a couple fistfights with and who I ended up calling the police on a number of times) were to contact my wife saying he made a mistake and asking her to meet with him, my hope would be that she would decline the invitation and then take the dog to his vet appointment and pick up some milk and eggs on her way home.

 

While my fantasy would be that she would order a drone strike on him and blow him to smithereens from her secret underground bunker, the reality is that simply not hooking up with him again and remaining a faithful, loving spouse tome and mother to our children is good enough.

 

Sure I'd like it if she came running to me enraged with anger and horrified that he tried to contact her, but that is not a reality.

 

The reality is most people do not hate and are not vengeful towards their X's over a period of time. It's common for people to publically knock their X's of course, but deep down most will have some level of nostalgia and reflection back on prior relationships.

 

I don't see where the OP committed any horrific crime against humanity here. He declined her offer to get together. He didn't agree to any secret meetings. There was no affair here.

 

Yes there was an admission of prior feelings and nostalgia and an admission of remorse that their marriage dissolved. But the reality is that there was a prior relationship and marriage in place. They did have a prior love between them in the past. I'm am sorry to those of you that feel threatened by anything having to do with an X, but they were married for a reason. ...... They divorced for reasons too.

 

Does the X need to be shut down and a cease and desist applied to any future discussions of feelings and relationship matters?? yes, of course. But crucifying the OP for something that all of us as humans are fallible of doing is a little unreasonable.

[oldshirt]

additionally, I understand his current wife being upset and concerned and she is within her right smack down any future contact between them.

 

However she needs to either $h1+ or get off the pot.

 

It's her prerogative to get serious as a heart attack and get in his face and tell him to either get all-in with his current marriage or go be with the X if that is what he wants.

 

If it truly is a deal breaker for her, it is also her prerogative to pack her stuff and leave and move on.

 

But she doesn't have a right to be a whiny b1t<h and emotionally abuse him and make his life miserable indefinitely without attempt at resolution.

 

Quite frankly, I think he is within his right to throw in the towel himself at this point if she really has been giving him the cold shoulder and shutting him out without any attempt at resolution since Thanksgiving. This is BS.

 

I agree with an earlier poster that implied he has a bad picker. Both of his wives do not appear to me to be marriage material in the first place.

 

IMHO she is acting like a spoiled little brat who is enjoying the opportunity to torment him and punish him.

 

If he had written about this dilemma a couple days after this happened, I would advise he be doing a lot of damage control and a lot of reparations.

 

But at this point with her conduct being what it has been for over a month, I would ask him if he sees a real future with her or not.

 

At least the X is showing some self-reflection and maturity in admissions of mistakes and ramifications of her actions. Current wife is just acting like a brat that didn't get her way.

[fireflywy]

I agree with the above poster. You know you did wrong, feel terribly about it, and came here for ADVICE on how to fix it. Unfortunately, a lot of people have scolded you as if you and your ex went on a wild cross country sex bender robbing banks along the way.

 

Moving on now from the scolding...

 

Don't mention divorce, simply say to her that you will be there when she finally decides to open up again and have a discussion. Don't expect instant solutions; be patient.

 

However, If, after a another MONTH or so she is still hysterically inconsolable, hasnt made overtures in response to yours, and STILL wont communicate at all , (or retaliates) THEN lay down the consideration of leaving. At that point, regardless of your mess up, it's not a repairable situation.

 

As for the ex wife... you need to do what you should have done long ago with her when you entered into a new relationship...

 

BURN YOUR SHIPS.

Edited January 5, 2017 by fireflywy

[oldshirt]

My recommendation is take the initiative and schedule a joint session with an MC.

 

Lay it all out on the table exactly what went down and openly acknowledge that you are aware of the hurt and damage that it has caused and make a sincere and heart felt apology to your wife for the pain and anguish your actions have caused and state what you will and what you won't be willing to do to repair the damage.

 

And then put it in her court whether she wants to continue being married and move forward with the reconciliation process or whether she wants to throw in the towel and move on.

 

I would draw a line in the sand against the continued cold shoulder, bitterness and drama however.

 

Moving forward and working on repairing the marriage is an option (assuming you still want to be with her after all of this)

 

And divorce is an option if she simply cannot live with what has taken place.

 

But I would be firm that the continued emotional abuse and cold shoulder must end.

 

It sucks this happened, but life has to go on whether it is as a married couple or as two divorced singles. Indefinate stonewalling continued cold shoulder with refusal to address the situation is unacceptable behavior in an adult.

 

If my 14 year old daughter were to pout and stonewall for more than a couple days, we'd be having a little come-to-Jesus meeting.

[oldshirt]

 

It sucks this happened, but life has to go on whether it is as a married couple or as two divorced singles. Indefinate stonewalling continued cold shoulder with refusal to address the situation is unacceptable behavior in an adult.

 

If my 14 year old daughter were to pout and stonewall for more than a couple days, we'd be having a little come-to-Jesus meeting.

 

Note: I am not saying that this is not a serious situation and I am not saying that everything should be sunshine and butterflies after a few days.

 

I am saying that you either get busy living or get busy dying. Address it like grown adults and do the work to fix it. Or pack your stuff and move on.

 

Cold shoulders, chronic hostility, stonewalling, throwing Christmas gifts and other acts drama are no way for anyone to live and it is toxic and unhealthy for everyone and will resolve nothing.

 

$h1+ or get off the pot, but life is to short and life has to go on.

 

She can either choose to get with the program and remain current wife. Or she can become Ex Wife #2. Either is a valid option, but remaining Ms Hissypants is poisoning both of them.

[sandylee1]

I see that the people who don't think this is so bad or that his wife is overreacting are men.

 

In more than a month the OP hasn't (or hasn't ) told us he's contacted the ExW to tell her to leave him alone and block her. If you can't even do this, how serious are you about saving your marriage.

 

Your wife is very very hurt by your actions and you just don't realise how bad your actions were. I say this as a wife who once happened upon a flirty message from my husband to his Ex. That almost ended our marriage.

[mikeylo]

I'm a guy and dont feel the same. I guess, some learn the hard way. Till it happens to them...

 

On the flip side , it's a woman ( the ex wife ) , who started it. But the onus was on OP. His views are same as others and ' might ' change now , he learned the hard way.