Wife giving me the silent treatment over Ex-Wife

[oldshirt]

I see that the people who don't think this is so bad or that his wife is overreacting are men.

 

 

I'm not saying that this is not a serious situation and I am not saying that she is overreacting.

 

I'm saying both of them need to $h!+ or get off the pot.

 

I agree that he does need to take the initiative and face the damage he has done and take definitive steps to correct it.

 

However if she wants to achieve a happy, healthy life some day, she is going to need to get off her high horse and address the issue as well.

 

Yes, he screwed up and he needs to roll up his sleeves and do some heavy lifting. But she needs to come down off her Drama Throne and have some open dialogue and face the issue as well.

 

If this is a deal breaker for her and she wants to pack up and go, that is her right and her prerogative. But this continuing drama and emotional extortion with no attempt to actually address the issue is just as damaging and just as bad as his text exchange with the X.

[ShatteredLady]

The OP knows it was "just a text exchange". WE are believing that it was 'an incredibly inappropriate text exchange'. I don't think his wife believes that's all it is.

 

She knows how messed-up he was over his ex. Look at the timeline. I bet they bonded over how awful she was...there's not a lot of space between divorce & marriage. Now he's stroking the ex's ego & flattering her in a skimpy dress AND he left the door open with I'll get back to you...

 

If you were in his wife's head, believing this is the ultimate betrayal, how would you see her behavior? If this was a d-day (as SHE thinks it is) her actions are understandable.

 

HAVE YOU WRITTEN TO YOU EX??

[sandylee1]

I'm not saying that this is not a serious situation and I am not saying that she is overreacting.

 

I'm saying both of them need to $h!+ or get off the pot.

 

I agree that he does need to take the initiative and face the damage he has done and take definitive steps to correct it.

 

However if she wants to achieve a happy, healthy life some day, she is going to need to [b-]get off her high horse[/b] and address the issue as well.

 

Yes, he screwed up and he needs to roll up his sleeves and do some heavy lifting. But she needs to come down off her Drama Throne and have some open dialogue and face the issue as well.

 

If this is a deal breaker for her and she wants to pack up and go, that is her right and her prerogative. But this continuing drama and emotional extortion with no attempt to actually address the issue is just as damaging and just as bad as his text exchange with the X.

 

 

You see the bolded seem to make out she's just throwing a tantrum over a text exchange. Like she has no legit reason to be as angry as she is.

 

This is a big deal to her.

She obviously doesn't want to get divorced, she obviously loves her husband (or she'd have walked), but she's hurting really bad right now.

 

Of course the status quo can't carry on forever, but he's going to have to be very patient and take initiative to actually do more than buy a couple of Christmas presents. That just doesn't cut it by a long shot.

 

You can't put a timeline on someone's pain.

 

I guess we all have different views, hence the value of these forums.

[oldshirt]

You see the bolded seem to make out she's just throwing a tantrum over a text exchange. Like she has no legit reason to be as angry as she is.

 

This is a big deal to her.

She obviously doesn't want to get divorced, she obviously loves her husband (or she'd have walked), but she's hurting really bad right now.

 

Of course the status quo can't carry on forever, but he's going to have to be very patient and take initiative to actually do more than buy a couple of Christmas presents. That just doesn't cut it by a long shot.

 

You can't put a timeline on someone's pain.

 

I guess we all have different views, hence the value of these forums.

 

I don't disagree with anything you are saying.

 

She is justified in being angry, hurt, disappointed, upset, betrayed, sad, insecure etc etc and he needs to do more to fix this than give her a few presents with pretty bows.

 

If she were to pack and leave, I would understand.

 

But if she does want to remain in the marriage and have a healthy, happy marriage, it cannot be achieved with her behaving in this manner.

 

Both of them need to step up and address this.

[elaine567]

This is a similar situation to a cheating episode and no-one would suggest a BS needs to get over it in an month and get off his/her drama throne.

 

This man told his ex wife that he has feelings for her and that his feelings for her have NEVER faded, that is the kick in the guts here.

That is his current wife's worst nightmare just come true. Her marriage is a sham, her husband is telling his ex, he never wanted the split and his feelings are the same now as they were then for her...

Where does that leave the current wife who feels obliged to stay, if not because she loves him but because she doesn't want the ex wife to win. Trust has been destroyed here in the same way as had he had a ONS or an affair. The bond that held them together has been seriously weakened.

 

His wife just needs time to process this and decide what she wants to do. She will either decide to leave or decide to put it behind her. She will be weighing up the advantages vs disadvantages here, If he loves his ex wife what does that mean for her, can she live with that or not? They are no longer he and she against the world, he has broken that contract and that is a big deal for any woman. Prince Charming doesn't tell his ex wife he has feelings for her does he? NO he has eyes only for Cinderella and he tells the ex wife to get lost.

 

I think any attempt by the OP to push the issue or to take "control" or to play the victim will result in her leaving. She feels the need to get it across to him the gravity of the situation, any attempt by him to minimise her distress or to peace make will push her further away. She is angry, upset and annoyed, she needs to let that go, but only on her own timescale.

Trying to hurry the process along may smooth the waters on the surface, but will only breed resentment long term.

[rick2016]

Unfortunately for the poster, this will be an issue with-in there marriage forever and ever. He will forget about it at some point but she will never, it will be there just under the surface. She has also taken what was texted and thought the worst, meaning he had met his x wife and had sex..So even though you did not do this , in her mind you may have.

This is why she will not be the same for many months...The op brought this on , and now he has to deal with it.. My advice is give her the space she needs, tell her when she is ready to talk, you will be there...there is no use trying to make it all better by buying gifts,that only works in the movies...She needs to heal, she cannot act like this forever, she will come around at some point, she has to ,its unhealthy to harbor anger.

[Just a Guy]

Hi folks, after reading through all the posts on this thread my own feeling is that this marriage is done and over with. The saying "Flogging a dead horse" comes to mind. As some have said, the damage is as severe as if cheating had actually taken place. It would be best for the OP to move out and initiate divorce proceedings. His wife is always going to hold it against him if they were to reconcile so it will be best for both of them to go their separate ways. At least they would get a chance to find someone new and start afresh. Just thinking aloud.

[road]

Unfortunately for the poster, this will be an issue with-in there marriage forever and ever. He will forget about it at some point but she will never, it will be there just under the surface. She has also taken what was texted and thought the worst, meaning he had met his x wife and had sex..So even though you did not do this , in her mind you may have.

This is why she will not be the same for many months...The op brought this on , and now he has to deal with it.. My advice is give her the space she needs, tell her when she is ready to talk, you will be there...there is no use trying to make it all better by buying gifts,that only works in the movies...She needs to heal, she cannot act like this forever, she will come around at some point, she has to ,its unhealthy to harbor anger.

 

OP, can offer to take a polygraph test.

 

 

Also normal for a BW to be this pissed off at her WH and be PO'd for a long time. Though that does not mean she will not be able to get past this.

 

 

OP, you want to get past this then you have to live your life transparent to show your BW that the affair is over. Send the OW a NC letter stating NC for life because you must put your BW's feelings first. CC a copy to your BW. Then block OW number and email. Shut down all social media as FB and other APP's.

 

 

You leave the house you tell your BW where you are going and when you will home and don't get back late.

[oldshirt]

This is a similar situation to a cheating episode and no-one would suggest a BS needs to get over it in an month and get off his/her drama throne.

 

 

 

His wife just needs time to process this and decide what she wants to do. She will either decide to leave or decide to put it behind her. She will be weighing up the advantages vs disadvantages here,

 

 

. She feels the need to get it across to him the gravity of the situation, any attempt by him to minimise her distress or to peace make will push her further away. She is angry, upset and annoyed, she needs to let that go, but only on her own timescale.

Trying to hurry the process along may smooth the waters on the surface, but will only breed resentment long term.

 

I get that.

 

I am not saying that this is a nonissue and that she needs to brush it off and go back to business as usual.

 

What I am saying is that her ongoing silent treatment and cold shoulder and her throwing things and refusal to discuss and address this is making it worse and is breeding resentment in him.

 

Yes he needs to do a ton of work and a ton of heavy lifting here.

 

But her ongoing and indefinite stonewalling and refusal to participate is just as detrimental.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I agree with Oldshirt. While what the OP did was ingenuous, his wife's behaviour borders on the juvenile. If she continues behaving like this she will deliver the knockout blow to the marriage anyway. The OP is not going to be able to put up with her histrionics for very much longer. If, as she said at some point that she is not leaving the marriage then she has to start giving the OP a chance to make it up to her. The OP is probably completely at sea as to how to go about his part of the reconciliation process and she may have to lead him in the process so that he does what he has to do to regain her trust and confidence. If the OP was so smart in the affairs department he would have made sure his wife had nary a hint of his intentions. To me he seems more like a bumbling and inexperienced guy who does'nt know the difference between chalk and cheese.

 

I agree the OP needs to do a lot of heavy lifting and maybe he needs to go to IC and MC( on his own) to understand how and where he went wrong and what he must do now to resolve things with his wife. However his wife has to get off her high horse and become more cooperative in her behaviour if she is in the least interested in saving this marriage. Her attitude is what prompted me to write in my previous post that it is best if the couple divorce because she has such a rigid attitude. Warm wishes to all.

[sandylee1]

The silent treatment comes from a place of being hurt. It's not being childish or anything similar .... it's just pure pain. It's the fear that when you try and talk about it, you'll break down in tears. The fear that you'll make yourself vulnerable when you're already feeling like a consolation prize.

 

She's probably thinking, bang go those dreams of having kids with a man I can't trust. Then if I leave him .... how long till I find another man who I get to the stage of marriage with. .... "do I stay knowing he still has feelings for her, or pull the plug now"

 

So while the OP hasn't taken any positive action, his wife will continue to be upset and ignore him, until she's decided what to do. His inaction may be all the prompting she needs to decide.

 

I'd be expecting much more if my husband pulled this crap, but regardless of what he does going forward, the fact is he's admitted to still having feelings for his Ex and nothing can change that. He did nothing to shut down her advances and anything he says now looks like an afterthought.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Sandy, I agree with you that the OP's wife is hurt. However, her staying in limbo serves no purpose, not hers not his. There have been other ladies who have posted on this forum who have been subjected to things much worse than what the OP's wife has been subjected to but inspire of their pain they have been more decisive in their actions than she is being. She could have asked her husband to move out or could have moved out to her parents home herself. However to behave in the manner she is behaving does not solve any problem or achieve anything.

 

As far as the OP is concerned I am getting the feeling that maybe he did not get the closure he needed when his ex wife left him. Maybe he did not want the divorce but she went ahead and divorced him anyway. Those unresolved feelings may be at the root of his actions in handling his ex wife's communications with him. The other thing is that I think he is genuinely ingenuous in his dealing and handling of women. The fact that he thought that giving his wife belated Christmas gifts would assuage her feelings is one such indicator. You could say that he lacks the requisite empathy yo handle his romantic relationships. I guess if this relationship fizzles out he should stay a bachelor for a while and learn how to handle relationships including learning about himself till he feels confident he can handle a fresh relationship again. Just some loud thinking.

[elaine567]

Hi Sandy, I agree with you that the OP's wife is hurt. However, her staying in limbo serves no purpose, not hers not his.

 

Not entirely true.

She is very, very hurt and wants him to see that.

This is not something that can be fixed easily, with a bouquet of flowers and a few sweet words.

 

She is angry, upset & disappointed that he led her to believe that she was his number one and now she finds she isn't - it is a huge blow.

I guess she also wants him to suffer, in the same way she is suffering.

So as an outsider it could be seen as serving no purpose.

 

The purpose is actually very clear, she needs time to think about what her options are here and in the meantime she can''t be bothered listening to his excuses.

She has it all in black and white, she just needs to find out for herself if she can live with the new reality that is her life, OR if she feels she cannot, then can she persuade herself that she can somehow live with it...

[beautifulinside2]

There have been other ladies who have posted on this forum who have been subjected to things much worse than what the OP's wife has been subjected.

 

So does that make his actions okay? She has EVERY reason to feel betrayed because she was betrayed, and who are we to put a timeframe on how long she is supposed to feel that way? OP is to stop being selfish and give her all the time she needs to get over it and reassure her everyday or as much as needed to get her back to the level of trust they had before. He needs to decide if he is willing to put in the work it takes to get back to that.

Edited January 10, 2017 by beautifulinside2

[sandylee1]

Hi Sandy, I agree with you that the OP's wife is hurt. However, her staying in limbo serves no purpose, not hers not his. There have been other ladies who have posted on this forum who have been subjected to things much worse than what the OP's wife

 

The other women here are not his wife though. Her head is probably still spinning and she's unable to take decisive action.

 

We're all different and whereby one woman will move straight to divorce, others are on the fence and file a year after dday.

 

 

She could have asked her husband to move out or could have moved out to her parents home herself.

 

The fact that she hasn't done this shows she doesn't want to split and is likely in fear of what he may do. Will he run to his Ex for example.

 

 

However to behave in the manner she is behaving does not solve any problem or achieve anything.

 

Patience is the key. She needs time. She needs to know he loved her. She needs reassurance. She needs to feel safe with him.

 

As far as the OP is concerned I am getting the feeling that maybe he did not get the closure he needed when his ex wife left him. Maybe he did not want the divorce but she went ahead and divorced him anyway. Those unresolved feelings may be at the root of his actions in handling his ex wife's communications with him. The other thing is that I think he is genuinely ingenuous in his dealing and handling of women. The fact that he thought that giving his wife belated Christmas gifts would assuage her feelings is one such indicator. You could say that he lacks the requisite empathy yo handle his romantic relationships. I guess if this relationship fizzles out he should stay a bachelor for a while and learn how to handle relationships including learning about himself till he feels confident he can handle a fresh relationship again. Just some loud thinking.

 

I agree with your views about the OP and his handling of the situation so far.

 

It's a crappy place to be if your husband still holds a candle for his Ex. His wife hasa lot of thinking to do, but perhaps the OPs absence from the thread means he's doing more to sort out the mess he's created.