Was his behavior really deceiving or is it my fault?

[Hatsumono]

Okay, this questions needs a LOT of context, so I’m posting the whole story.

I met a guy approximately 1 and a half month ago when I got into my new job. At first I thought he didn’t really like me bc when I tried to be nice and have a chat (I was new and wanted to make friends) he didn’t show that much interest and actually talked more with my male coworkers. Mind you, I never tried to talk to him again.

Some days after that suddenly he talked to me so naturally it surprised me but I was happy bc he was actually quite nice. After that we started to really get along and chat a lot. At this point he mentioned that he has a girlfriend but I didn’t care bc I didn’t have feelings for him, I just liked him as a friend bc he was really easy to talk to and we have quite some things in common (we’re really opposite personalities tho). Anyway, our friendship started evolving fast and for a reason that’s not relevant to the story I stared offering him a ride home after work bc his house is close to work. Sometimes when I dropped him home he would invite me inside and just chill, chat and dance (he really likes dancing - i just watched him dance).

When december started, there was a Christmas party and we all at work went there. That was december 1st and at that point I honestly felt NO love or anything, but when we started drinking he would get affectionate leaning his head on my shoulder several times, touching my knee while sitting next to me and such. It didn’t bother me bc it didn’t feel creepy or anything but it made me wonder if it was just bc he was drunk. That day nothing happened but I noticed something kinda changed after that, you know what I mean? After the christmas party, he invited me to watch a movie at his house and we actually watched the movie but he was super affectionate. He lied in bed and put his head on my lap while he touched my knee tenderly and held my hand. I didn’t know what to do bc I thought about his girlfriend but honestly it was kind of exciting so I just let him be. When the movie ended he started touching me more and asked if it was weird. I told him it was weird but not in a negative way so he continued until we eventually ****ed (ha). After that I felt so ****ty bc I didn’t stop even though I know he’s got a girlfriend.

To my surprise when he showed up at work he was so friendly, nice and quite affectionate which I wasn't expecting. It surprised me bc after that I thought we were just **** buddies and he would show up, you know, distant and stuff (which wasn't the case). Since then, we would normally do something after work like go out and have dinner or something. That week was so unexpected bc he would kiss me on the cheek while I was driving or kiss my hand. Sometimes even kiss me on the lips (though that was unusual but did happen). Like I said I thought he just wanted sex but his behavior was extremely confusing.

 

Next weekend he invited me to some dance event and that day was the most confusing ever bc he behaved like my boyfriend. He would kiss my cheek, hold my hand while walking, hugh me (it was cold), give me his hoodie, etc. Even his friends thought I was his girlfriend and looked shocked when I explained them I was not. After the event his friends and I went to his house to get some drinks. It's not neccesary to get that much into detail but in the end we slept together that night as well. And now, after that day everything changed. He started getting a little distant (not a lot) and the thing I noticed the most is that he stopped being nice and started getting kinda rude. Like making rude jokes or he wouldn't let me finish talking, that kind of thing. I was stunned he changed from being nice to being suddenly rude, which honestly hurt a lot.

The next event that happened was the second christmas party at work where at some point of the night he '''friendzoned''' me. I hate that word lmao but honestly I don't know how to describe it bc all of a sudden he straight up told me 'can I tell you something and promise to not get mad? you're my best friend'. I was drunk that night so at first I was really happy but then it hit me like 'uh? wait a minute, I think he's dumping me even though we didn't have... anything???'. So when I realized I asked him if that was it and if he didn't like me in a romantic way and he said 'no'. I was shocked bc then why he behaved the way he did? It's not like he needed to make an effort to have sex with me, we still did and it just threw me off.

The next day I asked him if that's the truth then why he did all that stuff and he just answered 'bc i felt like doing it, i don't want anything serious'.

After that he told me after certain date we couldn't see each other anymore bc his girlfriend is moving here. I said okay but then I was thinking that if he doesn't feel anything like love, why can't we just do normal stuff like friends (I never asked him though).

So anyway, his girlfriend already moved and like he said we don't see each other anymore other than work and he actually stopped talking to me. I mean, he's not ignoring me altogether but before this, everyday he texted me first or at work he was always chatting with me but now he never does, unless I'm right in front of him or he has no choice.

The point is, I don't like him in a serious way either, I don't want to be his girlfriend bc he seems like an unconsistent person and I don't like his opinions about various topics. However, I feel hurt bc he made me feel loved and then ripped that feeling away from me suddenly. I also feel irritated bc I was all about not having a serious relationship but the way he acted made me think of it differently and made me doubt about my feelings for him. I guess I could say I have a crush on him but I'm not happy about it. Moreover, it irritates me he kissed my head, my cheek, kissed and held my hand and then proceded to say he feels nothing. That's the most unsensitive and hurtful thing of all this. What do you think guys? Do you think is honestly true he doesn’t feel ANYTHING? Who was at fault here and what should I do? I honestly feel hurt and extremely ****ty/guilty for his girlfriend. It's not an excuse but since I don't know her I guess it's easy to just let things flow and never worry about THE girlfriend - though I know I'm as guilty as him for cheating. I have so many mixed feelings I don't even know what I feel at this point.

Do you really think he never felt something? Not even a tiny bit of interest? Do you think I should just stop getting involved with him as a friend? Do you think I'm in love? I honestly don't know.

I would appreciate some advice as this is the first time I ever experience this kind of situation. Please be as sincere as possible.

Thank you!

[basil67]

His girlfriend was away. He was lonely and found you attractive and available. A kind of holiday romance if you will. Fun while it lasted but knowing that it wasn't going to be long term.

 

You cannot be his friend because he's got a girlfriend and cheated on her with you.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

To be blunt, you were just there to keep the bed warm while he waited for his girlfriend. Now that she is moving closer, you serve no further use for him, so he needs you out of the picture so she doesn't find out. It is really that cold and calculated. He saw an opportunity for sex and he took it. You knew he was in a relationship so you have to accept the consequences for that decision.

 

If you read the OW/OM man forum and you'll see a pattern with these types of people. They shower their cheating partner with attention and affection, or make fake plans for the future. It gets the other person emotionally invested and hooked on them. They exploit it for their own selfish needs.

 

His actions show that feelings were superficial at best. If you want to be friends with a guy who has treated you like that, go ahead, but no good will come from it.

 

Don't believe me.. read the OW/OM section.

[Space Ritual]

Nothing about this situation is complicated.

 

This guy wanted a piece of ass off of somebody who wasn't his girlfriend.

 

You willingly gave him a piece of ass knowing he had a girlfriend.

 

He decided after a few times that he may have felt a little guilty for cheating on his girlfriend with you, but he was more surprised how easily you gave it up to him. And of course knowing you would cheat with him, he sure as hell wasn't going to have a relationship with someone who was so easy to have sex with.

 

so basically you were using each other for a good time an d then he realized he was kind of repulsed not only by what he did but also how easy you were.

 

It's called "She's good from far but far from good."

 

It is just the way some guys think after they bang some chick on the side with such little effort that they really have little more than contempt for them.

 

But you went into it with your eyes open, and with full knowledge he had a girlfriend and were more than happy to be a willing accomplice. So if you are upset at all of this subsequent behavior, basically you have only your self to blame for getting involved with him in first place.

[Hatsumono]

Thank you for your responses. I appreciate your input and honesty.

You cannot be his friend because he's got a girlfriend and cheated on her with you.

Well, I guess you're right. It was a stupid question to begin with lol but I have no experience with this so I just felt... confused.

 

If you read the OW/OM man forum and you'll see a pattern with these types of people. They shower their cheating partner with attention and affection, or make fake plans for the future. It gets the other person emotionally invested and hooked on them. They exploit it for their own selfish needs.

EXACTLY

That's the thing. He gave me a lot of unnecesary attention and that's the confusing part. I know it was straightforward (at least for me) but then why he started acting like that? What was he pretending?

There were times he just invited me to do non sexual stuff, like eat out, go to the cinema, spend time with him and it wasn't necessary. That's the whole part I still don't get but I know what you mean. Probably because it hurts to think of it that way - not remotely impossible though. I think I'll definitely read that bc I don't get it, thank you for the sugestion.

 

Nothing about this situation is complicated.

Thank you for answering but I don't believe I said it was complicated. I just said I don't understand if i'm so repulsive then why he would go out his way and put more effort in our relationship to do non sexual stuff like just spend time with me talking about things that make him passionate, showing me shows or stuff he likes, inviting me to the cinema, inviting me out to have dinner, inviting me to go with him to his hometown for 2 days which is 5 hours away from here, hugging me while on work in front of other coworkers, all the kissing and holding hands, etc. If it was as easy and I'm such an unworthy person then why do all that? What were his intentions? According to another poster, he's so coldhearted that he did that out of enjoyment bc he knew he would make me get attached. I guess you could say that's the most accurate scenario.

And just so I understand what you're saying. I'm not valuable because me, a single 23y old girl, decided to have an affair with a guy I've know for barely a month who also has a girlfriend (who I know nothing other than she's from abroad). However, he's the one that has someone by his side and he's lying and cheating on that someone with a girl he's met for not even two months. Out of these two scenarios mine is the repulsive one? I really don't get men, I guess.

Edited January 4, 2017 by Hatsumono