The End!!

[healthyhopes]

Hi! My friends tell me I read too much into things that have no meaning, and maybe I do connect things that shouldn't be connected, but I really want to talk about something that has happened to me recently. I apologize if this is the wrong place to post this thread.

 

It's a long read, but if you do read this thank you so much.

 

 

Christmas day, 2016; I am eating Chinese food with my family at a restaurant. At the end, I open my fortune cookie. It says: “Friends who are long absent will re-enter your life” and upon reading this, though I was never exactly a superstious person, I suddenly was filled with some karmic sense, some feeling of completeness and duty, thought to myself: this is it, what we’ve all been waiting for, folks; He will come back. Though I hadn’t thought about him or the past in a while, this had been the thing that I always did crave, even when my interest in him jumped off a cliff. Later that night I did hang with someone who I hadn’t seen in months and who had meant a lot to me; I figured this was my fortune slowly unravelling, emphasis on the plural in “friends” (due to the nature of this post I won’t speak about the hangout with the other friend and will focus more on the thoughts that have to do with love) slowly but surely, I assumed, the whole thing would wrap up, and what I’d wanted for so long, this sense of validation, would finally arrive

 

The first day of the year 2016, a year ago, I was devastated and heartbroken; I spent basically all of New Year’s Eve talking my ear off to a friend, asking “What should I do? How could this have happened? Is there anything I can do at all to fix this?”

 

My friend said, I don’t know, talk to him maybe. See what he says. And so, despite the fact that I did so for a couple days previous with fruitless results, I had messaged him again.

“Happy New Years!” I texted the next day, pretending like I wasn’t feeling like some plugged toilet or remnant of bomb shelter or abandoned dog or--. “Did you know it is my birthday today?”

A, the one who broke my heart, entertained me for a bit, said happy birthday E, and then we exchanged some frivolities before he left my question/text unanswered, and I spent my birthday and this symbolic day of beginnings feeling even worse off and stuck.

New Years one year later, 2017, as cliché as it sounds, somewhere in between the pizza and the candies and the hits of weed I realized that I was in a completely different place now than I was last year. There was no overbearing sadness or sense of loss. You were gone but I had chased you out this time, like broom overhead, like angry woman, like there was heartbreak but instead of the nausea I had fabricated that there had been some symbolic knife.

 

Despite this, and the fact that I have considered (and do believe I am/was) “over it”, I did want A to call or text very much. I wrote in my notebook: “Dear A, I know I didn’t say happy birthday to you this year, but understand it has been very complicated for me, especially when you’ve been so mean. It would mean the world to me if you said something to me today. Understand that even if I didn’t say anything to you I did think about you and did wish you a good day, and I always did care for you very much, but every bit of contact I initiate with you hurts me eventually, and I want proof that you care about me too”

 

However, deep down inside, I knew that he wouldn’t contact me. My friends and I watched the ball drop on the television and something inside me leaped, or did a pseudo-leap, and suddenly it was a new year and I had gained another year, was that much older in a matter of seconds.

 

It was at 1:29 when I received The phone call: (I am paraphrasing)

“Hello E, I am very drunk, more drunk than I have ever been in my life, and because of this I will say things that I will never be able to say sober. I wish you a happy New Year and though we argue a lot about things like politics, you are an extremely nice person (he said I was nice multiple times) and I think you are a great friend, and I hope you consider me a great friend too. And I hope you vote for me when I run for president”

That’s all I am capable of paraphrasing for sure, but then we continued on talking, and I mentioned that it was my birthday, and he said that he would get me a cake, and then said he would get me coffee. I said, absolutely do not take me out for coffee, he said how about dunkin donuts, I said no, he said how about—I said, we’ll talk later. Then he said something again about how I was very nice and very beautiful (???). Then he again mentioned that he would run for office. He said goodbye, I said goodbye, and we hung up.

 

It wasn’t A that called; it was a completely different friend who I had a falling out with earlier in the year. My friends say that he likes me, but I don’t know if I’m willing to accept that.

 

Once again, I was back on the couch with friends, said what the h***, and the world did that jarring thing and I understood, for real this time, that it was a whole new year.

 

I had waited, subconsciously, this entire year for someone who I didn’t mean anything to; I had felt unloved for so long that I hadn’t realized how much of it actually surrounded me.

 

From this point on, I have felt free.

 

All in all, in this whole situation, I think I made the right decision. I had once told A, “don’t worry. If you ex cheated on you, then she’ll get it in the end. Maybe karma isn’t real in some spiritual sense, but if you act a certain way your actions will inevitably lead you to very specific places.”

I think A will never come back. Maybe that’s a good thing; he was horrible and awful to me and I felt like sh** the every time we spoke or hung out, despite how much I liked him. I often told myself “It’s ok, he’s a bad person to his new girlfriend too” but all in all that was holding me back from moving on; what I really wanted was for him to be a good person. In my heartbreak, I equated this with him coming back to me; if he was a good person, maybe his remorse would actually come through, or he would see the light, or whatever bs I held in my heart. But ultimately, maybe he is a good person now if he’s good to her, and I sincerely hope he is, because then all my conversations with him would have been nothing. And I think that if you really care about someone, you want them to be good and you want them to be happy.

 

I don’t think there is any reward for being a good person in this world. Bad things, I know, happen to all people whether you deserve them or not. However, if you are a good person, you can make the world a little bit brighter. And the only way to be a good person, I think, is to love. So I do not regret loving, even if he was toxic and terrible and hurt me for so long in such a way. I think I did the right thing, and I think he did the wrong thing, and I secretly thank him for needing me all those nights that he did. He taught me a lesson, and it was a good one. My revenge and my absolution lies in staying as far away from as humanely possible and living a long and happy life.

 

I spent all of 2016 feeling unloved when in reality, it was all around me.

I’m sorry A, I often used to say that I wished I could have been nicer to you, but in reality I think I wish you were nicer to me. I’m glad that you are good and happy now, I hope you hope the same to me, even without words, or thoughts, or intersecting paths as, given the cold truth (for me, as I am not yet with another person, and was stuck on you much longer than you on me) that we will never see each other again.

 

Happy New Years, A. I hope you have a good year. I hope I never witness your perspective on the New Year, or think about it again, because I am too busy living mine.

(PS: I had information on my snapchat story about how it was my birthday and A still didn’t contact me. I feel so free. Life is good. I am ready to face the consequences of whatever actions I will pursue, I am ready to make actions that have consequences to them. It’s a whole new world)

[healthyhopes]

AND Happy new year to all on loveshack (and all that read my post, haha) I hope you have a great year, filled with a lot of personal growth and achievement, and that your hearts heal the best they can. One year from now, things will be very different, I guarantee it.