Wife left 9 months ago, filed for divorce but wants to come back

[Lackadeema]

Hi

 

I'll try to keep this a brief as possible!! My wife and i have been together 19 years and married for 10 and have two kids 15 and 13. After being together for such a long time I think we both started taking each other for granted and stopped making time for each other any more. We have separate hobbies and rarely spent any time together as a family. I am in a Rock band which didn't help as most Sat nights I am out but she never really supported me as it 'isn't her thing' and she opened a new business and spent 6 days per week there and I never supported her in that either.

 

As we grew further apart I began msg other people for company more than anything and the wife found some of these. Over the last year I made her feel insecure, gave her trust issues, un-loved, un-supported and un-wanted, something i'm really not proud of. I basically didn't care anymore and became quite selfish.

 

9 months ago I found a msg on her phone, confronted her about it and she said she'd msg the guy for the same reasons i probably did, felt like she hadn't loved me for a while, can't change the way she feels and that the trust is gone. She also said she didn't feel like part of the family anymore and nobody would care if she went anyway. A day later she moved out of the home and left everything including the kids. 3 weeks later I got issued with divorce papers. During this time I tried everything to keep my family together, I wanted to go to relate but she wouldn't listen, we both know what went wrong but she said it was too late, she can't help how she feels. At this point in my life I was at rock bottom, my entire world had been turned upside down and everything i know in pieces. I analysed myself and felt I kinda deserved this, I took my marriage for granted and thought she'd never leave, but she did.

 

As the divorce process began to gather pace love soon turned to hate and we tore each other to pieces. I asked again if we could save everything but the answer was a firm no and that i should just 'move on'.

 

As months went by me and the kids started to adjust to our new life and things got better, they spent half the time with me and half at hers and i began to enjoy being on my own, i'd not been on my own for 19 years.

 

Out of the blue 4 months ago I met someone and we just clicked instantly. I've done more in 4 months than I have in years of marriage and I fell in love with this person. She's into all the same things i'm into, music, books, nerdy/geeky stuff and we have similar jobs (science/engineering). Tbh she is pretty much the perfect girl for me and we connect on every level, if i could make my perfect match she would be it.

 

2 weeks ago right before christmas my almost ex wife came round to collect some decorations and delivered me a 6 page letter telling me how she feels. How it was all a massive mistake, how much she really does love me and i'm the only person in the world she wants to be with and she'd do anything to save the marriage. This is completely unexpected. We've met up over Christmas and talked about everything, the past, present and future and laid everything out bare. She has slept with people during the last 9 months and so have i. Everything we have ever wanted to know or say to each other we have done. We've been out once and it was just like old times but something I feel has changed inside me. If someone had said to me months ago I had a chance to get my family back I would have snapped their hand off but now I'm not sure.

 

Basically as it stands at the minute I have to decide if I want to save a 19 year relationship or continue as I am making plans and looking forward to the future with the new person in my life and carve a new life out for myself. Either way there will be what if's and possible regrets. Up until a few weeks ago i was really happy with the way my life is turning out but now everything is in a mess and I feel i'm going backwards. Everything is on hold once more. I need to make a decision and fast really!!

[Miss Clavel]

i would let the divorce go thru. my wasband asked me to take him back after we sold everything and he was living with his "soulmate".

 

i wanted the divorce because of legal/financial issues and those were still there. i had already been married to him long enough to be vested for my share of his social security but i might have put the filing on hold if i wasn't.

 

i would play this as, "it's sad" and "too little too late". because it is. neither one of you appreciated what you had while you were together.

 

your shared past with your stbex will only fuel the relationship for so long unless you want to share the future. and it sounds like you're happy now it's all done and settled.

 

the divorce gives you freedom. you can use it to date anyone you wish.

 

just don't move in with anyone or make a big emotional sexual commitment to anyone until you get this sorted.

 

i was told that it takes two years to get over a divorce and even tho i hated hearing it, i found it to be true.

 

get the divorce and then take your time before making any big decisions would be my advice.

 

good luck

Edited January 3, 2017 by Miss Clavel

[Lackadeema]

We didn't appreciate each other that's for sure and we completely lost respect for each other. I thought I was over it, moved on with someone else but I still think about what we had, where it went wrong and if it can be fixed.

 

All the things I do with my girlfriend at the minute I should've done with my wife. Divorce doesn't just effect 2 people it has effected everything, extended families, the kids and my entire social circle has changed.

 

I suppose the biggest thing for me is letting go of the dream of staying with her forever, growing old together and watching the grandkids grow up etc. I have one chance to save everything at the minute and after 19 years with somebody we have a lot of history. It wasnt all bad! The thought of passing my wife somewhere in the street years from now and her just being a complete stranger is a weird feeling. I'll always love her but after nearly a year apart i'm not in love with her at the minute. There was a time when we did everything together and were each other's 'rock's' it just seems so long ago now. I have a lot of guilt for the way i treated her towards the end as does she, maybe i'm just hanging onto the past too much

[dreamingoftigers]

We didn't appreciate each other that's for sure and we completely lost respect for each other. I thought I was over it, moved on with someone else but I still think about what we had, where it went wrong and if it can be fixed.

 

All the things I do with my girlfriend at the minute I should've done with my wife. Divorce doesn't just effect 2 people it has effected everything, extended families, the kids and my entire social circle has changed.

 

I suppose the biggest thing for me is letting go of the dream of staying with her forever, growing old together and watching the grandkids grow up etc. I have one chance to save everything at the minute and after 19 years with somebody we have a lot of history. It wasnt all bad! The thought of passing my wife somewhere in the street years from now and her just being a complete stranger is a weird feeling. I'll always love her but after nearly a year apart i'm not in love with her at the minute. There was a time when we did everything together and were each other's 'rock's' it just seems so long ago now. I have a lot of guilt for the way i treated her towards the end as does she, maybe i'm just hanging onto the past too much

 

History and with kids is pretty important.

 

Sounds like either way you learned a lot.

 

But this is exactly why you don't dare until you are 110% divorced.

 

You are still married and now things are kinda confusing.

[Sweetfish]

I think you should really think hard and long about this. Maybe you can fuse this new life of yours with the old life.

 

Some women, but most often women take longer to rationalize than men as women start processing different than men do. Men typically start the grieving process first. Women later.

 

So you probably tossed all hope out the window. In this situation both of you were at fault and the seperation have evolved the both of you and may build a stronger marriage. It may.

 

So crunch on that bit of information. Hope it helps. You seem highly self sware

[DKT3]

I think it's a mistake to take her back, and this is coming from a man who divorced and then remarried the same woman after she had an affair.

 

The odds are good your wife didn't leave you but rather picked this other guy, that relationship failed she then likely went about an aimless life now poof here she is. I fear for you a repeat performance from her.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think you should really think hard and long about this. Maybe you can fuse this new life of yours with the old life.

 

Some women, but most often women take longer to rationalize than men as women start processing different than men do. Men typically start the grieving process first. Women later.

 

So you probably tossed all hope out the window. In this situation both of you were at fault and the seperation have evolved the both of you and may build a stronger marriage. It may.

 

So crunch on that bit of information. Hope it helps. You seem highly self sware

 

I've always read the opposite.

[Sweetfish]

I've always read the opposite.

 

I believe some women simply transfer the emotions onto another man. Hence why rebound relationships rarely work. Because they start to grieve the relationship while in another relationship. It is not till much later women reflect on the relationship.

 

I believe a mother and father is very vital in child development.

 

But only you know your wife and this new person you have no idea who she can become years later. So its a hard decision.

 

People make mistakes. But now your torn between two women. Are you conpletely healed?

[salparadise]

How do you feel about the new girlfriend? Are you in love with her (and visa versa) or just dating? Even though it's only four months, I'd think twice about ending a great relationship for what may be a long shot at a reconciliation with the wife. You offered that already and she rejected it. How do you know she won't change her mind again after you kick the new gf to the curb? History isn't the reason to do it, imho. It's the future.

[Lackadeema]

Your right about the moving on bit sweetfish. After practically begging the wife to try counseling and not to be too hasty issuing divorce proceedings and she flat out said no, i mentally moved on in my head and got on with my life. I resided myself to the fact she was never coming back.

 

And I do think I didn't have enough time to heal as well. I had a few dates but my heart wasn't in any of them so I ended up on my own for a few months. Like I said out of the blue I met somebody and everything just clicked together with her instantly, my wife became a distant memory. And yeah I have/did fall in love with her but the more I think about it everybody feels like that in a new relationship but the dust has to settle at some point and thats maybe when reality hits home.

 

Things are great with my new girl, we support each other in everything and she is pretty much already my best friend. If I lose her I think i'd defo struggle to find somebody that i connect with on every level. Its like she came into my life for a reason. Shes the love of my life at this moment in time.

 

But I have one chance to put my family back together and maybe have the happiest marriage ever to the person I did vow to spend the rest of my life with. I feel if I don't take that chance I will live to regret it but if it all goes wrong I've got to go through all this again and will have lost the chance with someone that does make me happy.

 

Decisions decisions!

[Eternal Sunshine]

Your right about the moving on bit sweetfish. After practically begging the wife to try counseling and not to be too hasty issuing divorce proceedings and she flat out said no, i mentally moved on in my head and got on with my life. I resided myself to the fact she was never coming back.

 

And I do think I didn't have enough time to heal as well. I had a few dates but my heart wasn't in any of them so I ended up on my own for a few months. Like I said out of the blue I met somebody and everything just clicked together with her instantly, my wife became a distant memory. And yeah I have/did fall in love with her but the more I think about it everybody feels like that in a new relationship but the dust has to settle at some point and thats maybe when reality hits home.

 

Things are great with my new girl, we support each other in everything and she is pretty much already my best friend. If I lose her I think i'd defo struggle to find somebody that i connect with on every level. Its like she came into my life for a reason. Shes the love of my life at this moment in time.

 

But I have one chance to put my family back together and maybe have the happiest marriage ever to the person I did vow to spend the rest of my life with. I feel if I don't take that chance I will live to regret it but if it all goes wrong I've got to go through all this again and will have lost the chance with someone that does make me happy.

 

Decisions decisions!

 

Have you discussed it with the new girl? She deserves to know about this latest development.

[Lackadeema]

Yeah I've discussed it all with my new partner and she has been very supportive. She has been in the exact same situation pretty much. She separated from her husband and was dating a guy for 6 months and then tried again with her husband. 2 months later they had split up again for good this time.

 

From her personal experience she has said the dynamics had changed and the first argument you have you think 'I'd wish I'd never had him/her back'

 

That is something I have thought about, because I have moved on after the wife left and know I can get through life without her I might not be as bothered about losing her again. So maybe the dynamics between us will have changed after all.

 

I know if I do take the wife back it will be some seriously hard work to integrate each other back into our lives and i almost feel as though it would be 'forced'

[Lackadeema]

If anyone's read my previous post you'll know the back ground!!

 

To cut a long story short, wife left in March, filed for divorce in April, I met someone else in August and fell in love with her.....or did I?? Wife wants to come back now.

 

Over the last few years in marriage I completely lost respect for my wife, didn't care if she left or not and basically just did what I wanted. Then she did leave and I don't blame her. Her last words to me the day she walked out were 'the next person you meet, make sure she's you're No.1'

 

Well I did meet someone and I did make her my No.1. I fell in love with her and did all those things I should have done with my wife. I was completely happy or so I thought. I have had many new experiences during my time with my gf and looking back now I might have got carried away. I used to be this family guy that only went out in a blue moon but then all of a sudden I was doing everything, weekends away, museums, cinema, casinos, rock gigs even sex and fetish clubs. I felt free and enjoyed every minute of it. But now I'm thinking was that really me?? Was I just doing the things i thought i'd missed out on??

 

Fast forward to now, my wife wants to genuinely save everything. She knows everything i've been doing and vice versa, we've both had sexual partners and we have been completely honest with each other about everything. For it to work we both have to be 100% committed and I feel like im not so it would obviously fail. If i didn't have any respect for her when we were married how can i have any in the future?? It seems like a lot of hard work to me, we would have to do more things together and I feel it would be almost 'forced' in a way. Im in a rock band so some weekends she would have to come to support me and get involved, something she never did. My gf loves it and loves those nights, she doesn't come because she 'has' to, she wants to.

 

I do love my wife and always will but some things have changed for me now. I've experienced things that I actually like and would miss, I like having my own home and the kids actually like spending half their time with me and half with her. They get 2 of everything, holidays, trips out etc.

 

My wife and gf are really fragile at the min and are in limbo as to whats happening, as am i. A 19 year relationship is a lot of history but i can't help thinking I should let my wife go on to find someone that really loves her and makes her his No.1. She is a beautiful person both inside and out and some lucky guy will embrace that one day and maybe I will live to regret the day I had the chance to keep her. I just feel like there is too much water under the bridge and too much has happened to us both during separation for us to try again. The hard part is done, our family as we know it is split up already and the kids have adjusted as have I. My wife just can't seem to move on and doesn't see a future without me in it and seems pretty desperate right now.

 

And this is what she wanted 9 months ago. I tried everything back then to save it. Now the roles have reversed, she feels like I did 9 months ago, lost, broken and in despair.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lack, rather sad to read your story. It seems your wife is the real victim here as you treated her badly before decided to leave. From what you have written it is clear that you have moved on. It seems she has not. However it would be in her best interest to also move on as you are not in a position to offer her anything. You mentioned that she had filed for divorce and if so, what is the position? Is it anywhere near finalization?

 

You could suggest to your wife that she get some IC to help her cope with what is happening in her life. From what you have written it is apparent that you two are middle aged and therefore it is all the more difficult for a woman at that age to find someone interested enough to marry her especially since you two have children and her new man may not want that kind of baggage. Hope it all works out for your wife. In your case you seem to have it made.

[aliveagain]

Friend, you must have older children if you and your wife were an item for almost 20 years. The reason I bring up this point is your children will leave the nest in the not so distant future and all that will be left is you and your wife. Will what you have with her be enough? You still have a lot of life to live so think hard about how you want to live it, going back because of guilt is the wrong reason to go back. I went and took a quick peek in your profile as I wrote this post, she left you and your teenage kids. From what I have read here and on other infidelity sites, woman who leave the husband and the children usually do so for another man, one who doesn't care that much for kids. My guess is she was already in a relationship with another man when she left you. She has now discovered that the grass wasn't greener and now wants back in with you specially since another woman is interested in you.

 

So if the relationship wasn't working before(she was cheating on you with another man and chose him over you and your children)why would you think it will work now? Does the knowledge that she left her children make any difference to the way you think of her? Are you sure she doesn't mean she can't imagine her life without you at least until the right other man comes along?

 

There is one key thing that I learned regarding relationships, you can't go back when the relationship has run it's course. With enough independent counselling you might be able to override your need for the new life you now enjoy. The key point here is what is it that you want, what makes you happy and decide on that path. It is not fair to have both women in limbo. Maybe you need to be away from both of them in order to decide. My guess is the woman you are with may not agree and move on while your thinking about things.

[Lackadeema]

Yeah my wife and i have been together since our teens and the kids are 15 and 13. We were childhood sweethearts. We've been through so many things together and survived and everyone that knows us thought we were the together forever unbreakable couple. We both neglected each other in the last few years and instead of growing together we grew apart. We have never separated before and my initial reactions were dont leave, we know the problems so lets try and fix them, counselling, anything. But she wouldn't listen to anything and continued and then issued divorce!!

 

I personally think she went through some kind of mid life crisis (shes 35) as she was very irrational and flippant at this point and she is very irrational now.

 

Its like all the guilt has been shifted to me, she left everything but now i have the choice to have everything back together and if i dont i have to live with that.

 

Part of me thinks we know the problems and failures and have never truly or properly tried to fix them and we really have one chance left to try. We have are almost at decree absolute. If we do try and it fails then least i know then that i gave it everything i had.

 

The other part of me thinks if she had found someone and i didnt would she care if i was still trying to get her back?? If she had moved on this would have been a completely different story. The worst part of this is i really have met someone that ticks every box and then some and she feels the same. If that hadnt have happened i would be trying with my wife now but i know this girl exists. Im going to have to make some tough choices and sacrifices soon.

[LilyMila]

From what you wrote, you admitted to not treat her well, but you didn't say why you have no respect for her. I suggest subscribe to Mort Fertels email. One of the email that I remembered the most was about this notion of its easier to start over with someone than put in hard work to fix your current marriage. If working on your current relationship is too hard and too much work for you, then it's almost a guarantee that your future relationship will fizzle too. It has only being 5 months since you met your gf. It's still in the infatuation stage, and easy to claim you love her. Every divorced couple here once claimed the other was the love of their life.

[Lackadeema]

I have been thinking exactly that. My wife was the love of my life and also the perfect girl once just like my gf is now and every new relationship i suppose.

 

I lost or we lost respect for each other perhaps because we have been together so long. Id do what i wanted and so would she, i never asked how her day was, she used to go to bed early and id stop up all night on my own, i wasnt interested in her life and she wasnt mine. It was like we had some kind of safety because we were married and that its somehow harder to leave if your married together with kids so theres the notion u can 'get away with more'.

 

The wife is definitely committed to putting everything in, after a 9 months divorce procedure and rebuilding my life to one i am now happy with im finding it hard to put my all into trying to repair everything. I feel as tho ive come a long way this year, in the beginning i was at the bottom of the barrel trying to get out, it was a dark place. I had to be strong for the kids, support a house on my own and pull myself out of the mess i was in. And i did. I never thought id get out of the black hole at one point, i came back stronger in the end

[testmeasure]

A lot of this decision has to do with weighing the specific choices in the full detail that only you know.

 

Presumably you both started out dedicated to the relationship. Your wife changed her mind and filed for divorce. Now she changed her mind a second time and wants to work it out. So she changed her mind twice.

 

You started off wanting to make it work, but changed your mind when that was no longer an option. Now if you change your mind again and return to wanting to work things out, that's two changes of mind for you as well.

 

This means that if you two get back together there will have been 4 mind changes total between the two of you.

 

I point this out because just one more mind change could make a mess.

 

It sounds like the kids are coping well, or at least appear to be. I'd place a lot of weight on how the kids are handling it. If they are handling the initial divorce well, I'd start to wonder how they would handle going back to being a family and having it fall apart a second time.

 

If the kids were really upset by the divorce, then if a 2nd try failed, you could present it as we really tried. We even gave it a 2nd chance.

 

If the kids are adjusting well to the divorce, getting back together could be really confusing. You mentioned the possibility of regretting getting back together the first time you fight. The kids might feel stuff like that too any time there is family friction. Or they might get fully on board with things being back together and then if they fall apart again, they might have a hard time accepting the family falling apart a 2nd time. "You guys got back together last time."

 

I point this out because if you do as she wants, there will have been 4 mind changes already and even just 1 more could make more layers of mess.

 

If the kids are handling the divorce well, I would place the burden of proof on getting back together with the wife. You would really have to be convinced that neither of you were going to change your mind again and make it confusing for the kids. Just what are and how good are her reasons for wanting to get back together? You don't have to actually answer, the point is, I would place a lot of weight on that question. Meanwhile, you say she has been irrational and flippant.

 

Also, I would point out that even if you do get back together, at their ages, the kids will remember this and it's still going to effect them. It might be particularly bad if you guys got back together, continued to not be very happy, and stayed together, just limping a long. That seems like it has the potential to teach a worse lesson with deeper consequences than divorce.

 

.

Edited January 6, 2017 by testmeasure

[Lackadeema]

I think one of the reasons this is so hard is because we have pretty much been together our entire lives. Despite everything that's happened I know my wife better than anybody in the world and vice versa. Its all we've really known tbh.

 

My wife has basically said she thought she could move on and its what she wanted but there is still a massive void in her life. She misses everything about me, all the the things that annoy her she still misses. She blocked her feelings out when she left and thought they would wane but they are still there and she can't go on any longer without telling me. She said it was the biggest mistake of her entire life to leave.

 

Her mental state does worry me, she cries herself to sleep every night and has been to the docs for sleeping tablets. If we don't get back together she will sell her business and move away because she wouldn't be able to cope. She feels everything she has ever worked for and wanted was a waste now without me and her family. At this moment in time she would do anything and everything for one last chance.

 

My mental state is fragile too in all this, I need to make a decision and fast because its effecting everything at the minute. Its all I think about, all day long its going around and around in my head and I'm constantly playing out different outcomes in my head.

[salparadise]

My wife has basically said she thought she could move on and its what she wanted but there is still a massive void in her life. She misses everything about me, all the the things that annoy her she still misses. She blocked her feelings out when she left and thought they would wane but they are still there and she can't go on any longer without telling me. She said it was the biggest mistake of her entire life to leave.

 

I have the same concerns as aliveagain. I wonder if her new found remorse is motivated by the fact that her new relationship failed, and she wants to turn back the clock. I wonder if she left you for that other man, or if the decision was completely independent of any other man. I wonder about her leaving her children and refusing to consider your earlier overtures... because at that point her relationship had not yet failed. Now that she's alone and you have moved on with a great new relationship, she's grasping for something to hold onto and wishing she could have back what she threw away (instead of making the effort to save it then).

 

I am concerned about the loss of respect and positive regard, and maybe trust - depending on what the situation was with the other man. While it's pretty easy to modify behaviors, it's not easy to regain these feelings regarding each other. These are the foundation of relationships. If I were you, I'd examine those carefully with respect to the soon-to-be ex and the new girlfriend.

 

Are you in counseling/therapy now? It may help you identify your feelings and see things you're suppressing.

 

Her mental state does worry me, she cries herself to sleep every night and has been to the docs for sleeping tablets. If we don't get back together she will sell her business and move away because she wouldn't be able to cope.

 

Are you saying she would move away from her children if you don't take her back? Unh. That doesn't sound good. It doesn't sound like a reason to reconcile. I'd be looking for her to demonstrate dedication and stability as a condition of reconciliation, not the opposite.

 

She feels everything she has ever worked for and wanted was a waste now without me and her family. At this moment in time she would do anything and everything for one last chance.

 

Like you many months ago, while she was with that man and you were alone.

 

My mental state is fragile too in all this, I need to make a decision and fast because its effecting everything at the minute. Its all I think about, all day long its going around and around in my head and I'm constantly playing out different outcomes in my head.

 

I think it's more important that you make the right decision than a quick decision. Of course you can't put it off indefinitely, but you also don't want to just go through another cycle with the soon-to-be ex, and end the new relationship in the process.

 

I think you should be working with a therapist and examining whether the foundation of that marriage is still intact or not. I'd be trying to filter out the noise and anything superficial. I would try to avoid the circular thinking with scenarios and outcomes. It's all contingent on things you can't know or control. Ultimately your instincts are what you have to rely on. Good luck.

[BluesPower]

Listen, like dtk3 said, she was probably having an affair before she left.

 

She did not pick you, she picked her new BF. You need to realize that.

 

I am usually a stay married no matter what guy, but for me I just don't feel that way anymore.

 

The thing is that if she had the balls to say that she left you for BF and she made a mistake that might be one thing. But I don't think she has done that, she is just falling back to old reliable number 2, the fall back guy, you.

 

Do you really want to be someone's fall back guy? Really?

 

For me, when I realized that my wife really did not love me that was it. I refuse to be with a woman that does not love me and want me above everyone and everything else. At least I am not going to be married to her for sure.

 

If you and the new girl are in love, I say go with that.

[Marc878]

Smells like the new BF dumped her or for some reason it didn't work out. You are probably fallback plan B.

 

Move on like your wife told you to.

[aliveagain]

Friend, your stbxww is unstable and a very poor choice for reconciliation at this time. My suggestion is continue with the divorce, get her into independent counselling so they can help her deal with what is broken. In time when your all able to make healthy decisions you can better deal with decisions that effect all of your lives. Who say's you can't marry each other again? My concern for you is that you will make a decision based on feeling guilted back into a relationship. You owe your stbxww nothing, she made a conscious choice to be away from you and your children. Second chances are earned and should never be expected just because you have history together.

 

What has she done to earn a second chance, think hard? Telling you that she would leave you and your children and leave the area is very concerning because mothers are not normally programed to behave that way. That statement is a major red flag that all is not right with her mentally. Get her family involved, she needs immediate help and that help doesn't necessarily have to come from you.

[Sweetfish]

You guys need to stop using these mantra's of plan B without really reading the OP's post

 

As we grew further apart I began msg other people for company more than anything and the wife found some of these. Over the last year I made her feel insecure, gave her trust issues, un-loved, un-supported and un-wanted, something i'm really not proud of. I basically didn't care anymore and became quite selfish.

9 months ago I found a msg on her phone, confronted her about it and she said she'd msg the guy for the same reasons i probably did, felt like she hadn't loved me for a while, can't change the way she feels and that the trust is gone. She also said she didn't feel like part of the family anymore and nobody would care if she went anyway. A day later she moved out of the home and left everything including the kids. 3 weeks later I got issued with divorce papers. During this time I tried everything to keep my family together, I wanted to go to relate but she wouldn't listen, we both know what went wrong but she said it was too late, she can't help how she feels. At this point in my life I was at rock bottom, my entire world had been turned upside down and everything i know in pieces. I analysed myself and felt I kinda deserved this, I took my marriage for granted and thought she'd never leave, but she did.

So you openly admit that you did not care about your wife and she filed for divorce and left. So your wife was in a dark place and thought you and the kids did not love her.

 

As the divorce process began to gather pace love soon turned to hate and we tore each other to pieces. I asked again if we could save everything but the answer was a firm no and that i should just 'move on'.

Understood. That's fair... but how much did you really love your wife to move on 4-5 months after the chaos?

 

2 weeks ago right before christmas my almost ex wife came round to collect some decorations and delivered me a 6 page letter telling me how she feels. How it was all a massive mistake, how much she really does love me and i'm the only person in the world she wants to be with and she'd do anything to save the marriage

OK. so after months of your wife doing who knows what. Maybe she got another guy and got burned. Maybe she self reflected. Again it takes women a lot more time to rationalize than men. She came back after months and wrote a letter explaining after self reflection she made a massive mistake.

 

Riddle me this? Did you express in compassion your massive mistake to her after self reflection.

 

 

So here is what I see. You triggered the events. You were talking to other people for company. You never clarified if they were men or women. She opened a business and worked 6 days a week so I can counter she isn't some self absorbed individual who is looking to take your money and take the kids like most women do. Already feeling alone she looked for attention else where.

 

Just as you did.

 

You both took each other for granted.

 

Honestly, if your still married. You should have waited until your divorce finalized

 

Second, your not in love... your in lust.

 

Third, Your the man of the house and you shouldn't so easily have the need for another women in your life so fast even if you clicked with her. You just have not healed yet.

 

To cut a long story short, wife left in March, filed for divorce in April, I met someone else in August and fell in love with her.....or did I??

Your on a rebound. Just the mere fact you question it.. you know deep down inside this new female has some large shoes and 2 decades of love to fill.

 

Over the last few years in marriage I completely lost respect for my wife, didn't care if she left or not and basically just did what I wanted. Then she did leave and I don't blame her. Her last words to me the day she walked out were 'the next person you meet, make sure she's you're No.1'

 

Well I did meet someone and I did make her my No.1. I fell in love with her and did all those things I should have done with my wife. I was completely happy or so I thought. I have had many new experiences during my time with my gf and looking back now I might have got carried away. I used to be this family guy that only went out in a blue moon but then all of a sudden I was doing everything, weekends away, museums, cinema, casinos, rock gigs even sex and fetish clubs. I felt free and enjoyed every minute of it. But now I'm thinking was that really me?? Was I just doing the things i thought i'd missed out on??

Like I said you need time to reflect and you go to women in a love triangle and you need to step away from both and really see what you want. The new **** will always feel awesome...but in reality your still married and I think you got carried away in my opinion as well.

 

 

Sounds like the OP is the one with a Plan A and B and what happens if plan A fails?