Wife left 9 months ago, filed for divorce but wants to come back

[basil67]

When you are spending time with your wife now, how do you feel towards her?

 

I remember the time spent with my ex-h who decided to make an effort at the 11th hour. It was simply too late and the time with him felt so horribly empty. If you're going to rekindle, make sure that your feelings are still there.

[dreamingoftigers]

Your right about the moving on bit sweetfish. After practically begging the wife to try counseling and not to be too hasty issuing divorce proceedings and she flat out said no, i mentally moved on in my head and got on with my life. I resided myself to the fact she was never coming back.

 

And I do think I didn't have enough time to heal as well. I had a few dates but my heart wasn't in any of them so I ended up on my own for a few months. Like I said out of the blue I met somebody and everything just clicked together with her instantly, my wife became a distant memory. And yeah I have/did fall in love with her but the more I think about it everybody feels like that in a new relationship but the dust has to settle at some point and thats maybe when reality hits home.

 

Things are great with my new girl, we support each other in everything and she is pretty much already my best friend. If I lose her I think i'd defo struggle to find somebody that i connect with on every level. Its like she came into my life for a reason. Shes the love of my life at this moment in time.

 

But I have one chance to put my family back together and maybe have the happiest marriage ever to the person I did vow to spend the rest of my life with. I feel if I don't take that chance I will live to regret it but if it all goes wrong I've got to go through all this again and will have lost the chance with someone that does make me happy.

 

Decisions decisions!

 

You could just tell your wife that you might look her up if it doesn't work out with the new girl. Just like your wife did when her dumping you and running didn't work out for her. She'll love that.

[salparadise]

Your on a rebound. Just the mere fact you question it.. you know deep down inside this new female has some large shoes and 2 decades of love to fill.

 

Like I said you need time to reflect and you go to women in a love triangle and you need to step away from both and really see what you want. The new **** will always feel awesome...but in reality your still married and I think you got carried away in my opinion as well.

 

Sounds like the OP is the one with a Plan A and B and what happens if plan A fails?

 

Yah, I've considered this too. We just don't know much beyond the narrative OP provides. I don't think you can say definitively that his new relationship is nothing more than a rebound. I do wonder though... not yet divorced and less than a year separated.

 

I believe in the two year theory... that it takes a full two years for a freshly divorced person to equilibrate and even be almost ready for dating and new relationships. And that's from when the divorce is finalized. OP jumped in with new woman five months after separation.

 

So here he is fence sitting and trying to decide between two women, way too soon for his head to be screwed on correctly. The only options he's considering are woman A vs. B. Option C –– to slow it down, spend two years single, in therapy, and waiting for the gray matter to quit swirling doesn't even seem to be on the table. I think his first decision should be therapy.

 

I'm afraid his marriage is too broken to fix, but who can say that without knowing a lot more than we do. I'm afraid his new relationship is merely filling the void, but who knows for sure.

 

When I got divorced I spent two years single, then had a starter relationship that I thought at first was the real deal, then two years of short-lived mini relationships, then another year single... and after all of that I finally felt ready and found a healthy relationship. But this is only apparent in hindsight. Of course I did know without a doubt that I wasn't ready twenty weeks after separation.

 

Bottom line is that OP's head hasn't stopped swirling yet, and he's thinking that choosing between the two women is the way to fix it. I don't think so.

[Popsicle]

I say go back to your wife. Lots of people reconcile and stay together after cheating. This is no different.

[anika99]

I think one of the reasons this is so hard is because we have pretty much been together our entire lives. Despite everything that's happened I know my wife better than anybody in the world and vice versa. Its all we've really known tbh.

 

My wife has basically said she thought she could move on and its what she wanted but there is still a massive void in her life. She misses everything about me, all the the things that annoy her she still misses. She blocked her feelings out when she left and thought they would wane but they are still there and she can't go on any longer without telling me. She said it was the biggest mistake of her entire life to leave.

 

Her mental state does worry me, she cries herself to sleep every night and has been to the docs for sleeping tablets. If we don't get back together she will sell her business and move away because she wouldn't be able to cope. She feels everything she has ever worked for and wanted was a waste now without me and her family. At this moment in time she would do anything and everything for one last chance.

 

My mental state is fragile too in all this, I need to make a decision and fast because its effecting everything at the minute. Its all I think about, all day long its going around and around in my head and I'm constantly playing out different outcomes in my head.

 

I was sort of leaning towards thinking maybe you should reconcile with your wife until this post and the reason I say that is because I think in order for a reconciliation to be successful both people have to be in a good place mentally. Ideally both people will have taken time to work on themselves and getting mentally and emotionally healthy and then they would come back together both stronger and wiser.

 

It sounds like you did some self reflection and growing during the seperation but your wife did not. She sounds like she is coming from a place of desperation, like she is in some sort of emotional crisis and so she is not really in the right frame of mind to know what she wants. What does she mean when she says she will sell her business and move away? Does she mean she will just move far away from her children, just walk out of their lives, if you don't give her what she wants? No, just no....her words and behaviour smack of self pity and emotional manipulation to me.

 

If she were mentally healthy enough to reconcile then she would also be mentally healthy enough to know that she will be fine if you two don't get back together and that she has an obligation to be a good mother to her children no matter what the outcome. All this drama and self pity and threats to move away forever only indicate that she is very self focused, all she is concerned with is her pain and her needs. She is not coming at this from a good place.

 

As for you, when pondering the decision you have to make, be sure you are not viewing it as picking which woman you want to be with. Your girlfriend is a rebound and your relationship with her is still very much in the honeymoon phase. At four months it's still in a state of infatuation and romantic in love feelings verses true love. There are no guarantees that your new relationship will go the distance either. When deciding on reconciling or divorcing make your decision based on the marriage itself and your feelings for your wife. Don't look at it like you are choosing between two women, look at it like you are choosing between saving your marriage or not saving it.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Sweetfish,

 

You missed where she started to texting someone and moved out tree days after being confronted.

 

Lack, could you provide more detail about both of your messaging.

[sandylee1]

Hi Sweetfish,

 

You missed where she started to texting someone and moved out tree days after being confronted.

 

Lack, could you provide more detail about both of your messaging.

 

And he was doing the same. Messaging others.

 

I say give your marriage another chance. You both messed up

[Cephalopod]

Don't make any decision until you find out whether or not she was having a physical affair at the time she checked out of the marriage. If I were you I would not make one move towards reconciliation until you have a straight answer.

 

Both of you are to blame for the demise of your marriage. You neglected each other and this was the obvious outcome.

 

My knee-jerk reaction to you is to say no to her. It sounds to me like she does not like the idea that you have replaced her with this other woman. See, you didn't do what you were supposed to do: pine away for her for the rest of your life until you died miserable and alone, curled up in the fetal position on the cold floor of an empty back room of a lonely house on a lonely street somewhere.

 

When she left, you begged her to give the marriage another shot. What did you get in return? Crickets. So, being the self-respecting person you are, you pulled yourself together and showed her that women were still attracted to you, and that you could do well for yourself and live very happily without her. Well, she didn't like that. And for her part, she probably got dumped by her affair partner, slept with a few more losers, and eventually realized that the single life wasn't the pony show she thought it would be.

 

I'm not saying it couldn't work for the two of you. But before you jump headlong into reconciliation, you need her to answer all your questions first...honestly. And, she needs to SHOW you that she wants to be your wife again, not just pay lip service to the idea. And after all the crap you two have put each other through, it would take years of counseling and hard work to get over all the mutual resentments and betrayals.

 

But in the end, I have to say don't do it. It sounds like you have a good new woman with whom you can start over with again and hopefully not make the same mistakes with. Going back to your ex is a huge, huge risk.

Edited January 8, 2017 by Cephalopod

[Lackadeema]

Thanks for the comments, I know the new relationship is technically a 'rebound' and very much in the infatuation stage and the fact I moved on so soon maybe indicates I really didn't love my wife as much as I thought. I wasn't intending any of this to happen, I was happy on my own with the kids and was starting to adjust to my new life but when someone comes along and changes everything its hard to ignore. Within minutes of meeting the gf there was instant chemistry and the spark was just there, we have so much in common, have the same outlook on life and the things that other people might think are 'weird' or boring we find completely normal. She feels exactly the same and I admit I did perhaps get carried away. Many times I thought I should take my foot off the gas but the truth is we just love spending time together.

 

From her point of view this is the first time in her life she has met someone where she can be completely herself and undiluted. Every relationship she has ever had, even marriage, she has had to hold things back or just be content with being happy, instead of truly happy. This is hard for her understandably because I am her perfect guy, the one she has waited all her life for.

 

I do agree with the comments about not fully healing, when your world as you know it gets turned inside out it is one hell of a transition but emotionally and mentally I'm not quite there. As I am making memories and bonding with someone else the old memories and the bond I had with my wife seemed to disappear until she decided to tell me her true feelings.

 

2 things could have happened, I tell my wife I'm sorry she feels like that but i'm happy and moving on or it could send me into a complete tailspin of emotions and make me start to question everything, the latter happened. If I was truly over her I would have done the first option.

 

I realise the decision I have to make is do I want to put every last effort into saving my marriage, regardless of whether i'd met someone else or not. Would I be happier on my own or in my marriage??

 

The spanner in the works is meeting someone else that I really connect with and have feelings for, the fact that i know this person exists now changes things. I know now there is someone else out there for me after all and its not just my wife.

[salparadise]

I realise the decision I have to make is do I want to put every last effort into saving my marriage, regardless of whether i'd met someone else or not. Would I be happier on my own or in my marriage??

 

The spanner in the works is meeting someone else that I really connect with and have feelings for, the fact that i know this person exists now changes things. I know now there is someone else out there for me after all and its not just my wife.

 

Yup, and the decision is one that you have to make yourself using both the rational mind and feelings, and you'll have to live with it. You want to be all in either way you decide. You also don't have much dating experience or single experience to lend perspective, and you don't know for certain what the circumstances were surrounding the separation. It's a lot to process. Apologies if you've already said, but are you seeing a therapist? I hope so, and I hope it's a good one who doesn't inject their own bias.

[Lackadeema]

I've just booked a session with Relate (marriage counseling) for tomorrow for us both.

 

Whether I move on with my wife or not I think we both need help with this. If we don't save our relationship then I think this will help with any future ones we might have and the feelings we both have.

 

We both need to move on now, either together or not so I will post an update tomorrow and see which way I am going...the direction will be forward I know that much!

[sandylee1]

It doesn't seem like your heart is commited to reconciling with your wife at all. The love appears to have faded and given everything that's happened it's understandable.

 

Usually when people go to relationship counselling, in order to be successful, they both need to want the relationship to work.

 

She does and you're not sure. The counsellor will have a tough job.

[Confused48]

Don't take her back just to have shared times with grandchildren and extended families. Don't take her back just bc you don't want to see her on the street as just another stranger.

 

Once you get a few years past the divorce, if she is willing, you can have a very good, albeit non-romantic, relationship with her.

 

I have two women in my life, both I lived with, that now are just close friends. We keep very much in touch and we don't even have children together.

 

I know of a woman who's parents divorced when she was 14. She is now in her mid 40's and her parents are in their 70's. They check in with each other several times a week. They drive each other to doctors appointments. They even went on a vacation with their children and grandchildren, all together.

 

If you want to have a good, non-romantic, relationship with the mother of your children and she wants that with you, then it will happen.

[mrtango]

Shes the love of my life at this moment in time.

 

Lackadeema, you are in love with your new girl and you totally moved on.

 

But I have one chance to put my family back together and maybe have the happiest marriage ever to the person I did vow to spend the rest of my life with.

 

Your wife was there and she did the vow too, am I right? What did she do in the end? Did she stick to her vow or leave you? Don't fool yourself, don't go after a "maybe happiest marriage". There is a maybe there. ın addition, it was not the happiest marriage as you told us.

 

I feel if I don't take that chance I will live to regret it but if it all goes wrong I've got to go through all this again and will have lost the chance with someone that does make me happy.

 

You're happy with your new girl. If you don't follow your heart and your happiness, you will regret it.

 

It's up to you my friend. And I know that it's a difficult choice.