My affair is ending......maybe...

[Burger Chef]

I've been married for 18 years with one teenage child. In the past ten years my wife and I have had sex a couple of times. There is no love, no intimacy, and no affection. I've tried counseling, the first time was 7 years ago. We went 4 or 5 times and it felt good to vent but nothing has really changed. 5 years ago we went to a new counselor when her drinking became an issue. It's been a vicious cycle of her drinking, my son getting upset, and me furious as well. I've longed for love and affection and tried throughout the years. Her source of affection comes from the dogs.

 

About a year and a half ago I met a woman at work. I honestly wasnt on the prowl when we met. Over the next 6 months we became friends before eventually becoming intimate. She has been going through the divorce process for almost a year now. I was ready to file in Oct, I've met with the attorney, etc.. Multiple friends and my affair partner suggested I wait until after the holidays which I reluctantly did. Now my affair partner and I have mutually agreeed to put things on hold until I file. I'm so ready to move on with or without her....hopefully with!

 

My affair partner is awesome. Over the last 18 months I've fallen in love with her. Yes we all have our issues and baggage and fall short of perfection. I know if we stay together there will be issues. I have no illusions otherwise. I have to say I'm crazy about her and enjoy every moment we have together. And the sex....wow I didn't know it could be so good....so loving.

 

I don't really have a question. I hope that my story can be a cautionary tale. I wouldn't recommend having an affair and would say have the guts to end your marriage when you think you are at a point where it cannot be reconciled. I would marry my AP in minute and think the world of her. My lack of action may ultimately cost me this relationship as well. Please learn from my mistakes.

Edited January 3, 2017 by Burger Chef

[Popsicle]

Good luck. Maybe your wife will want the D too. Keep us posted.

[sandylee1]

Why have you not left before now? Sex just a handful of times in 10 years is crazy, however the longer you tolerate that stuff, it becomes the norm.

 

Hopefully she won't be suprised and can have fun with the dog.

 

Good luck to you. You deserve to be happy.

[elaine567]

You and she are just grabbing on to the first thing that has come along when your relationships failed.

YOU are supporting each other mentally and the sex is "awesome", but that is no foundation for a real relationship.

Rebounds and "bridges"are real phenomena.

You in particular are monkey branching.

If this women wasn't there, I guess you would not be filing, so be very careful what you wish for.

Make sure you are aware of ALL the costs of the divorce not only the financial ones, you could lose your son here for instance.

Divorce in a long term marriage is rarely simple. Think carefully.

YOU are in the affair bubble, so unlikely to be thinking straight.

I am not saying do not divorce, only recognise that your thinking may well be pretty messed up and your conclusions may be unrealistic at present.

[BuddyX]

Not sure if you know this but you keep contradicting yourself. You mention a cautionary tale but you're still neck deep into the affair and enjoying it.

 

First thing first. Divorce your wife. She made a commitment to you; to love and cherish. She's not fulfilling her vows. Your kids a teenager he/she should be fine.

 

Second. Affair sex is the best sex. If you were starving for 3 days and someone gave you brown rice, you would think it's a filet mignon.

 

Be a man and stay committed to your choice.

[goodyblue]

Our situation was much like yours. My h divorced and we have been m for several years. We are actually quite happy. His ex, not so much and while his daughter is ok, it would have been an easier transition for her if her father had divorced and then dated.

 

But, there really can be happiness if you do it right. The mistake of the affair can't be undone but take stop the right steps now.

 

If you stay with OW keep it quiet. Get your divorce going. I can't remember reading, have you actually left the martial home? Does your wife know you are divorcing? If she doesn't know OW don't tell her. It only complicated things.

 

As for OW, be discreet. Don't make her a target, don't move in with her, get the divorce well under way before you date. My h took every precaution to protect me, it saved my reputation.

 

Contrary to advice from people on this forum, your child is not your best friend and confidante. Don't put him in the middle, x don't confide in him and don't let your wife, either. Be his parent. He does not need to know the details. If your wife drags him in, please, be the sane one. Don't tug o war with your child.

 

If the a is a secret, keep it that way. Just divorce, be generous, for God's sake, and move forward to live your life.

 

My husband went 12 years with no sex and his ex is a drunk. His divorce was not easy, and she tried to ruin his reputation. He gave up a lot for us to be together, but it was worth it. We are happy.

[goodyblue]

Not sure if you know this but you keep contradicting yourself. You mention a cautionary tale but you're still neck deep into the affair and enjoying it.

 

First thing first. Divorce your wife. She made a commitment to you; to love and cherish. She's not fulfilling her vows. Your kids a teenager he/she should be fine.

 

Second. Affair sex is the best sex. If you were starving for 3 days and someone gave you brown rice, you would think it's a filet mignon.

 

Be a man and stay committed to your choice.

 

It has been many years since we had affair sex and for us it is still off the charts. But the rest needs to happen.

[Burger Chef]

I want to thank each and everyone of you for taking the time to respond. I welcome any and all feedback. It's great to hear personal experiences and the stuff you don't want to hear as well.

 

I'm still in the home. I've told the w several times this marriage is not working and we need to move on. I also told her to seek an attorney as I have. She seems to be in denial and clinging to a lifestyle. She works 2 days a week, has a cleaning lady, a new car, and a nice house. When I first approached her about being done I had never felt so calm and at ease. I'm a pretty emotional guy and can cry watching a Pixar movie. I discussed in an almost emotionless tone, I did choke up at the end, what has gone wrong as well as owning at least 50% of our difficulties.

 

Thanks again everyone

[anika99]

Is your wife an alcoholic? Sounds like your time would be better spent focusing on your child and getting him help. Children of alcoholics grow up with many issues. Your wife abandoned your child to lose herself in booze and you abandoned him to lose yourself in your affair. While you and your wife are off chasing your own needs and fun who is paying attention to your son and his needs? If you leave your wife and move right on to a serious relationship with your OW your child will suffer more. It might be better for him for you and your wife to divorce but both his parents need to put his well being before their own. It would be selfish and cruel of you to leave and then force a new relationship on him right away or for you to neglect him because you are busy living your new life with your new woman.

[BuddyX]

I want to thank each and everyone of you for taking the time to respond. I welcome any and all feedback. It's great to hear personal experiences and the stuff you don't want to hear as well.

 

I'm still in the home. I've told the w several times this marriage is not working and we need to move on. I also told her to seek an attorney as I have. She seems to be in denial and clinging to a lifestyle. She works 2 days a week, has a cleaning lady, a new car, and a nice house. When I first approached her about being done I had never felt so calm and at ease. I'm a pretty emotional guy and can cry watching a Pixar movie. I discussed in an almost emotionless tone, I did choke up at the end, what has gone wrong as well as owning at least 50% of our difficulties.

 

Thanks again everyone

 

You're all talk no substance. Each time you threaten to leave and don't she looses respect for you. Action over words. Start separating bank accounts. Talk to a lawyer. Sleep in a different bedroom.

Edited January 3, 2017 by BuddyX
Grammar

[goodyblue]

I want to thank each and everyone of you for taking the time to respond. I welcome any and all feedback. It's great to hear personal experiences and the stuff you don't want to hear as well.

 

I'm still in the home. I've told the w several times this marriage is not working and we need to move on. I also told her to seek an attorney as I have. She seems to be in denial and clinging to a lifestyle. She works 2 days a week, has a cleaning lady, a new car, and a nice house. When I first approached her about being done I had never felt so calm and at ease. I'm a pretty emotional guy and can cry watching a Pixar movie. I discussed in an almost emotionless tone, I did choke up at the end, what has gone wrong as well as owning at least 50% of our difficulties.

 

Thanks again everyone

 

Do you mind if I ask, did you exchange Christmas gifts or spend New Years Eve with your wife?

[Popsicle]

I want to thank each and everyone of you for taking the time to respond. I welcome any and all feedback. It's great to hear personal experiences and the stuff you don't want to hear as well.

 

I'm still in the home. I've told the w several times this marriage is not working and we need to move on. I also told her to seek an attorney as I have. She seems to be in denial and clinging to a lifestyle. She works 2 days a week, has a cleaning lady, a new car, and a nice house. When I first approached her about being done I had never felt so calm and at ease. I'm a pretty emotional guy and can cry watching a Pixar movie. I discussed in an almost emotionless tone, I did choke up at the end, what has gone wrong as well as owning at least 50% of our difficulties.

 

Thanks again everyone

 

Yeah I too am getting the vibe that you're just talking and fantasizing but won't put forth any action.

[Burger Chef]

Do you mind if I ask, did you exchange Christmas gifts or spend New Years Eve with your wife?

 

 

No I did not on either question. Those days are long gone

[Burger Chef]

You're all talk no substance. Each time you threaten to leave and don't she looses respect for you. Action over words. Start separating bank accounts. Talk to a lawyer. Sleep in a different bedroom.

 

Haven't slept in the bedroom in 2 years. The lawyer has been retained. Credit cards have been seperated and I just started using my own bank account

[BuddyX]

"I'm still in the home. I've told the w several times this marriage is not working and we need to move on."

 

^^^ Here's your problem. That conversation should've happen once not several times.

 

You're a man. You don't need permission to move on from a sexless marriage. There are divorces that are predicated on BS motives but yours is not.

 

Think about it. If someone asks you why you got divorced, and you respond with "it was a sexless marriage". Trust me, people will have respect for you.

[goodyblue]

Haven't slept in the bedroom in 2 years. The lawyer has been retained. Credit cards have been seperated and I just started using my own bank account

 

Glad to hear you are taking steps. Don't leave your wife hanging. It isn't easy but best for everyone..

[Burger Chef]

You and she are just grabbing on to the first thing that has come along when your relationships failed.

YOU are supporting each other mentally and the sex is "awesome", but that is no foundation for a real relationship.

Rebounds and "bridges"are real phenomena.

You in particular are monkey branching.

If this women wasn't there, I guess you would not be filing, so be very careful what you wish for.

Make sure you are aware of ALL the costs of the divorce not only the financial ones, you could lose your son here for instance.

Divorce in a long term marriage is rarely simple. Think carefully.

YOU are in the affair bubble, so unlikely to be thinking straight.

I am not saying do not divorce, only recognise that your thinking may well be pretty messed up and your conclusions may be unrealistic at present.

 

Great points. I just can't go on as is. I realize the odds are against a ltr with my AP. I love her like no one else before and those feelings have only gotten stronger.

 

 

I have to wonder what the negative impact has been on my son seeing his parents in a loveless marriage. He has even said "you guys hate each other." You think you are staying for the kids yet they see right through it. i feel like I've been dying on the inside for a long time.

[Popsicle]

So just yesterday you had not filed, the lack of which partly promoted you to start this thread, and now today you have retained a lawyer?

 

I think that you are very unsure, and once the D starts getting difficult,(custody battles, moving or selling house, alimony, your wife telling everyone you cheated) you will probably back down.

Edited January 4, 2017 by Popsicle

[Burger Chef]

So just yesterday you had not filed, the lack of which partly promoted you to start this thread, and now today you have retained a lawyer?

 

I think that you are very unsure, and once the D starts getting difficult,(custody battles, moving or selling house, alimony, your wife telling everyone you cheated) you will probably back down.

 

I first went to a lawyer in September and put the money down for the retainer before the new year.

[elaine567]

I have to wonder what the negative impact has been on my son seeing his parents in a loveless marriage. He has even said "you guys hate each other." You think you are staying for the kids yet they see right through it. i feel like I've been dying on the inside for a long time.

 

Yes but what changes will there be in his life if you divorce?

OK, he may not like you fighting and hating each other but he won't be too happy if you leaving results in him moving to an apartment with little money, a change of school and far away from his friends. AND he will see up close how much you have hurt his mother too

All, whilst at the same time you are enjoying yourself with your new "fling". The woman who ruined and broke up his family. The woman who may resent every penny you want to spend on your son. The woman he may always hate.

Happy days!

 

I know I am painting a black picture, but it is not an unrealistic one. Have you thought out how this affair, the divorce and the aftermath will really affect your son and your relationship with him?

[BuddyX]

Question you need to ask is; Would I be getting a divorce if there was no OW?

[goodyblue]

Yes but what changes will there be in his life if you divorce?

OK, he may not like you fighting and hating each other but he won't be too happy if you leaving results in him moving to an apartment with little money, a change of school and far away from his friends. AND he will see up close how much you have hurt his mother too

All, whilst at the same time you are enjoying yourself with your new "fling". The woman who ruined and broke up his family. The woman who may resent every penny you want to spend on your son. The woman he may always hate.

Happy days!

 

I know I am painting a black picture, but it is not an unrealistic one. Have you thought out how this affair, the divorce and the aftermath will really affect your son and your relationship with him?

 

So, you think using an almost adult child as reason to stay in a horrible situation is actually an option?? WT actual F?

[elaine567]

So, you think using an almost adult child as reason to stay in a horrible situation is actually an option?? WT actual F?

 

Where did I say that?

I am merely asking him to consider what a divorce after 18 years really means and consider the people it will affect.

He is obviously still in the "affair bubble", he needs to think this through very carefully, before perhaps jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

BTW his child is a "teenager", not an adult.

[cocorico]

I have to wonder what the negative impact has been on my son seeing his parents in a loveless marriage. He has even said "you guys hate each other." You think you are staying for the kids yet they see right through it. i feel like I've been dying on the inside for a long time.

 

I've lived through this from two sides.

 

As a kid, my parents "stayed together for the kids". Once we'd all left home, they split up and my father got together with his fOW (now W - they've been M for several decades). As kids we resented it, hated living in a low-level war zone, prayed they'd split up... and have struggled to forgive them for not giving us a shot at a happy childhood. We've all gone on to unhappy Ms, divorce, etc. I've broken he mould with a happy second M.

 

As a fOW, I saw my fMM in this position. His kids had been traumatised through an earlier split (their mother physically attacked their father in front of them, then left) and he did not want to put them through that again. Yet, years later (during the A) when he spoke to them, they were supportive of him leaving their mother. They had seen how unhappy he was, and they'd been unhappy themselves. They were teens at the time.

 

After they moved out, they were much happier. I moved in with them after about 6 months. Once the D was final, we got M and have been happily M for several years now. The kids are long grown and flown. They are happy that they got to have a few years in a normal, happy, *loving* home, which helped them to a good start as independent young adults.

 

I can't say what your son would prefer - but it seems he's picked up on the parental unhappiness, so it might be worth asking him what his preferred solution would be. Family counselling either way (stay or go) I'd suggest.

[goodyblue]

Where did I say that?

I am merely asking him to consider what a divorce after 18 years really means and consider the people it will affect.

He is obviously still in the "affair bubble", he needs to think this through very carefully, before perhaps jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

BTW his child is a "teenager", not an adult.

 

Uh, you did an entire post on how he should think looong and hard about leaving his miserable marriage before doing so because he has a child.

 

Sorry, I don't think you waste your life suffering for the child, it sets a bad example and doesn't teach them anything.

 

But, I don't believe in the affair bubble either.