Lost.. [update: Ended it today]

[Mikroula]

I've been seeing a man for over a year now.We met in the summer of 2015

 

It hasn't been an easy relationship,if I can even call it that.He's in the military and his job is very stressful and it means we go long periods of time without seeing each other.From the very beginning I made it very clear that I wanted to make this work and that I was willing to put in the commitment and time necessary regardless of the obstacles.

 

He always seemed to be 'confused'

 

I recently found out he has a gf.. this to me was heartbreaking,yet he excused it with the fact that he wasn't with her during the time he was seeing me and that we were never technically an item.

 

I told him I wanted nothing more to do with him.He then revealed he has depression and that he loves me but he needs time to sort his life out.He wants me to wait for him until April when he 'might' be single ( God just writing this is making me feel stupid)

 

He has lied so so much,he said he didn't have Facebook, I found out he did..he said he was only seeing her yet I found out they'd been living together..he claims the relationship is dead but that due to the close friendship of their families he has to be sure he is making the right decision when he ends it.

 

I've told him this is ridiculous and that no I wont be 'chosen' by anyone and that if he needs to choose he should just choose her.

 

He keeps throwing the depression card everytime I call him up on his behaviour,or he's sick or stressed etc.The whole pity thing is wearing very very thin but at the same time part of me really wants to believe him.I love him and part of me thinks or is wishfully thinking that he is being honest when he says he will sort things out and that I need to be more understanding due to the nature of his job and his depression.

 

Yet another part screams 'since when did depression become an excuse for hurting someone?' It's not a get out jail free card.. I'm just really confused and hurting.

 

Please any advice would great!

[jenkins95]

I've been seeing a man for over a year now.We met in the summer of 2015

 

It hasn't been an easy relationship,if I can even call it that.He's in the military and his job is very stressful and it means we go long periods of time without seeing each other.From the very beginning I made it very clear that I wanted to make this work and that I was willing to put in the commitment and time necessary regardless of the obstacles.

 

He always seemed to be 'confused'

 

I recently found out he has a gf.. this to me was heartbreaking,yet he excused it with the fact that he wasn't with her during the time he was seeing me and that we were never technically an item.

 

I told him I wanted nothing more to do with him.He then revealed he has depression and that he loves me but he needs time to sort his life out.He wants me to wait for him until April when he 'might' be single ( God just writing this is making me feel stupid)

 

He has lied so so much,he said he didn't have Facebook, I found out he did..he said he was only seeing her yet I found out they'd been living together..he claims the relationship is dead but that due to the close friendship of their families he has to be sure he is making the right decision when he ends it.

 

I've told him this is ridiculous and that no I wont be 'chosen' by anyone and that if he needs to choose he should just choose her.

 

He keeps throwing the depression card everytime I call him up on his behaviour,or he's sick or stressed etc.The whole pity thing is wearing very very thin but at the same time part of me really wants to believe him.I love him and part of me thinks or is wishfully thinking that he is being honest when he says he will sort things out and that I need to be more understanding due to the nature of his job and his depression.

 

Yet another part screams 'since when did depression become an excuse for hurting someone?' It's not a get out jail free card.. I'm just really confused and hurting.

 

Please any advice would great!

 

(((Mikroula)))

 

Sorry to hear that you are going through this.

 

I understand the need to cling onto hope when you love someone and to try to overlook or minimise bad things they have done.

 

But as readers to this forum, we can view what you write with objectivity. My advice would be to turn round 180 degrees and keep in walking in the other direction. Everything about him spells trouble to me, the lies, the deceit, the justifications and his "complications" - the depression/confusion, etc.

 

I wonder if his GF knows that he "might" be single by April?

 

This has cost you a year - it could have been much worse, just read recent posts on this forum. You can stop the rot now, take a few months to recover and the world could be your oyster again...or you could take your chances with him. My instinct is that if you stay with him, we'll be seeing a lot more of you at LS.

 

Whatever you decide, we are here for you. Keep posting. Happy New year and good luck!

[jenkins95]

I recently found out he has a gf..

 

he excused it with the fact that he wasn't with her during the time he was seeing me and that we were never technically an item.

 

..he said he was only seeing her yet I found out they'd been living together

 

..he claims the relationship is dead

 

 

I don't quite get this Mikroula? Can you expand? Does this mean he started seeing her AFTER he starting seeing you? In which case, you could be considered his GF and she the OW?

 

Who was never technically an item? You and him, or him and her?

 

I realise I may have misunderstood, but this seems like complete bull**** and very suspect indeed on his part. He may just be juggling two women and basically biding his time to see which one he "might" be with in April.

 

As I said in my previous post, I would cut my losses and walk away.

[elaine567]

 

I told him I wanted nothing more to do with him.He then revealed he has depression and that he loves me but he needs time to sort his life out.He wants me to wait for him until April when he 'might' be single ( God just writing this is making me feel stupid)

 

He has lied so so much,he said he didn't have Facebook, I found out he did..he said he was only seeing her yet I found out they'd been living together..he claims the relationship is dead but that due to the close friendship of their families he has to be sure he is making the right decision when he ends it.

 

I've told him this is ridiculous and that no I wont be 'chosen' by anyone and that if he needs to choose he should just choose her.

 

He keeps throwing the depression card everytime I call him up on his behaviour,or he's sick or stressed etc.The whole pity thing is wearing very very thin but at the same time part of me really wants to believe him.I love him and part of me thinks or is wishfully thinking that he is being honest when he says he will sort things out and that I need to be more understanding due to the nature of his job and his depression.

 

The pity...

 

"The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness. It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy." The pity play or attempt to appeal to the sympathy of others was also addressed in research conducted by the Minnesota Department of Corrections and The Hazelden Foundation (2002). There, researchers concluded that criminal thinkers most often attempt to control others by portraying themselves as a victim, turning to fear tactics only when the victim stance fails to get them what they want.

The act of eliciting pity from another unequivocally makes the elicitor something to be pitied, a victim, per se. It is human nature to aid the pitied. Hence, the pity play, or victim stance, stands to get the Sociopath what he or she wants easily and without being found out as a bad guy. This is manipulation. Manipulation is the tool of choice for smart criminal thinkers and, according to Dr. Stout, the Sociopaths amongst us. She says, "Sociopaths have no regard whatsoever for the social contract, but they do know how to use it to their advantage. And all in all, I am sure that if the devil existed, he would want us to feel very sorry for him."

[Mikroula]

He says they were together before he met me but that broke up shortly before meeting me.

 

She was abroad at the time but on her return they got back together (even though he was still in contact with me

Now they are together but he says he's tired of being in a dead end relationship with her but wants to be sure that it's the right decision to end things as when he does it will be a car wreck..

 

He wants me to wait until April so he can get things sorted but understands that he has no right to stop me from seeing other people.Yet if I'm single and he's single in April then we can then he's willing to commit to me..

[jenkins95]

He says they were together before he met me but that broke up shortly before meeting me.

 

She was abroad at the time but on her return they got back together (even though he was still in contact with me

Now they are together but he says he's tired of being in a dead end relationship with her but wants to be sure that it's the right decision to end things as when he does it will be a car wreck..

 

He wants me to wait until April so he can get things sorted but understands that he has no right to stop me from seeing other people.Yet if I'm single and he's single in April then we can then he's willing to commit to me..

 

Thanks for explaining!

 

If you really are keen on pursuing a future with him, then I would suggest going completely NC with him (and requesting that he respects it) until April. This also affords the GF at least a modicum of respect. If he sorts himself out by then and can prove to you that he is then single, and you are still keen to continue, then I guess you could give it a go. If in April, he is still spouting excuses...or April changes to August, then I guess you will have learned enough about him to walk away.

 

I still think it would be easier simply to walk away right now though!

 

Good luck whichever way you choose to go.

[anika99]

Listen to that inner voice that is telling you that this is wrong and messed up. That quiet little voice that you are trying to silence because you want to believe in fairy tales is the part of yourself that loves you and wants to protect you. Most of us who have made bad decisions also had a tiny voice in our heads telling us the truth and we chose to ignore it because the truth didn't sound as fun or as gratifying as the fantasy.

 

I believe that we all have that voice, intuition, self love, or whatever you want to call it, that wants to protect us and guide us and it's only when we choose not to listen that we get ourselves not trouble. You know that depression is not an excuse for cheating and lying. If he does leave his gf to be with you (unlikely) then you've got yourself a cheater and a liar for a partner and is that what you really want. Even if you could make yourself believe that his actions are because of extreme stress and depression, rather than poor character, then you have to realize that someone who is In such a poor mental state cannot possibly be in a healthy relationship with anyone until they spend a significant amount of time getting treatment and recovering. He isn't going to be all better and ready to have a new relationship by April.

[sandylee1]

Relationships that start with deception are doomed. He's made you the OW without your consent and now he's suffering from 'depression'. That's pure and utter manipulation on his part.

 

What future do you see with this dishonest service man?

 

Too many lies are spewing out of his mouth, you can be sure there are more lies you don't know about.

 

Even if he was single tomorrow, how could you ever trust a word he says?

[Mikroula]

I ended it today..

 

I recently found out he had a gf even though he was seeing me..he stated I should give him time so that he could 'sort things out'

 

This is one of the messages he sent me

 

'I've had the worst first weekend ever at home. My blind dog is really poorly and didn't even recognise me . I have had chance to speak with her though. She stopped me straight away and said she'd been thinking the same thing about it all. I found out she had also met someone in Qatar but she doesn't think she has a future with someone who lives 3 hours away. That said we have a holiday booked with friends next month and we said we would give things a try for 6 weeks and if it doesn't work after that then we'd tell our parents and break up. I owe it to her to try that!'

 

I told him no..I'm not a toy he can just leave and pick up whenever he feels like it.. I just need validation that I'm doing the right thing because it hurts so much right now that I really don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

[independentwoman]

I ended it today..

 

I recently found out he had a gf even though he was seeing me..he stated I should give him time so that he could 'sort things out'

 

This is one of the messages he sent me

 

'I've had the worst first weekend ever at home. My blind dog is really poorly and didn't even recognise me . I have had chance to speak with her though. She stopped me straight away and said she'd been thinking the same thing about it all. I found out she had also met someone in Qatar but she doesn't think she has a future with someone who lives 3 hours away. That said we have a holiday booked with friends next month and we said we would give things a try for 6 weeks and if it doesn't work after that then we'd tell our parents and break up. I owe it to her to try that!'

 

I told him no..I'm not a toy he can just leave and pick up whenever he feels like it.. I just need validation that I'm doing the right thing because it hurts so much right now that I really don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

 

You are absolutely doing the right thing, read some of the other stories here and you will see that. Go complete NC. If he really wanted to be with you, he would end it with her, it's that simple. Right now his dog is sick and he's booked a vacation after that it will be some other reason why he just can't leave her right now. Good for you for standing up for yourself and demanding respect, it hurts a lot but you deserve so much more than that.

[sandylee1]

You're doing the right thing. Don't let a man mess you about like that. Even after she's met another guy, you're still kept dangling. I'd tell him to go and f*** himself.

[Chica80]

I ended it today..

 

I recently found out he had a gf even though he was seeing me..he stated I should give him time so that he could 'sort things out'

 

This is one of the messages he sent me

 

'I've had the worst first weekend ever at home. My blind dog is really poorly and didn't even recognise me . I have had chance to speak with her though. She stopped me straight away and said she'd been thinking the same thing about it all. I found out she had also met someone in Qatar but she doesn't think she has a future with someone who lives 3 hours away. That said we have a holiday booked with friends next month and we said we would give things a try for 6 weeks and if it doesn't work after that then we'd tell our parents and break up. I owe it to her to try that!'

 

I told him no..I'm not a toy he can just leave and pick up whenever he feels like it.. I just need validation that I'm doing the right thing because it hurts so much right now that I really don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

 

You are doing the right thing. Let him be, sort things out. But without you there. If in six weeks he comes back, is now single....

 

You can start fresh and free.

[Mikroula]

So I'm supposed to give him my blessing? As he goes skipping off to play happy

Families with someone he claims he doesn't love and neither loves him..yet if for whatever reason he decides in 6 week that no he's actually preferred me well that's ok then! He'll just give me a buzz and we can start anew! Win-Win!

I have a very big issue with that.. I can't my pride won't allow it..it hurts like goddamn hell and yes part of me wants to say what do you have to lose?

 

I'm afraid I'd lose me

[Chica80]

So I'm supposed to give him my blessing? As he goes skipping off to play happy

Families with someone he claims he doesn't love and neither loves him..yet if for whatever reason he decides in 6 week that no he's actually preferred me well that's ok then! He'll just give me a buzz and we can start anew! Win-Win!

I have a very big issue with that.. I can't my pride won't allow it..it hurts like goddamn hell and yes part of me wants to say what do you have to lose?

 

I'm afraid I'd lose me

 

What are your alternatives?

 

He is with her he told you he is going to stay with her at least another six weeks (if that is really true).

 

Let's say it is true and he wants to be with you but feels it is the least painful for her his family etc. Then you need to let him do that with a clear mind.

 

If it's not true and you stick around you will always be waiting for another 6 weeks. Or just after her birthday or just after the holidays and you will look 2 4 6 years down and be in the same place.

completely losing yourself

 

If you want to be with him and believe him then give him those 6 weeks. Otherwise you've just assigned yourself to role of OW always waiting on the side.

[sandylee1]

So I'm supposed to give him my blessing? As he goes skipping off to play happy

Families with someone he claims he doesn't love and neither loves him..yet if for whatever reason he decides in 6 week that no he's actually preferred me well that's ok then! He'll just give me a buzz and we can start anew! Win-Win!

I have a very big issue with that.. I can't my pride won't allow it..it hurts like goddamn hell and yes part of me wants to say what do you have to lose?

 

I'm afraid I'd lose me

 

I agree with you. Don't settle for scraps. You're not a dog.

[Chica80]

If you don't think he's worth waiting for then what is there to discuss? Move on and find someone else.

[anika99]

So I'm supposed to give him my blessing? As he goes skipping off to play happy

Families with someone he claims he doesn't love and neither loves him..yet if for whatever reason he decides in 6 week that no he's actually preferred me well that's ok then! He'll just give me a buzz and we can start anew! Win-Win!

I have a very big issue with that.. I can't my pride won't allow it..it hurts like goddamn hell and yes part of me wants to say what do you have to lose?

 

I'm afraid I'd lose me

 

I 100% agree with you. Never hang around waiting for a man to pick you over another woman. It's insulting and demeaning. Right now he's treating you like some sort of backup plan to ensure that he winds up with a woman no matter what happens.

 

From your first post it sounds like you have been seeing him for awhile but only just found out about the gf so he has deceived his gf and you as well. Letting you think he was single was deliberate and manipulative so even if he did pick you after 6 weeks all you would be getting is a deceitful, manipulative man who is okay with cheating his way out of a relationship.

 

Ending was the right thing to do, your pride has served you well.

[Survivor12]

What are your alternatives?

 

He is with her he told you he is going to stay with her at least another six weeks (if that is really true).

 

Let's say it is true and he wants to be with you but feels it is the least painful for her his family etc. Then you need to let him do that with a clear mind.

 

If it's not true and you stick around you will always be waiting for another 6 weeks. Or just after her birthday or just after the holidays and you will look 2 4 6 years down and be in the same place.

completely losing yourself

 

If you want to be with him and believe him then give him those 6 weeks. Otherwise you've just assigned yourself to role of OW always waiting on the side.

 

There is another alternative--refusing to be an "option" now or ever! Walk away & never look back.

 

Giving "him those 6 weeks" sets a precedent--that she will tolerate such treatment. A cheater's dream but a nightmare for a woman with any self respect.

 

Mikroula--Your options are to either end it & face the pain now or hang around and wait to suffer even more later. Be strong & protect your heart.

[somanymistakes]

He thinks she deserves more of a chance than you do; he's clearly saying that if she'll have him, he doesn't want you. So what's to wait for?

 

If you can't help caring about him, that still doesn't mean you have to officially wait around for him, especially when he's made it clear that you're not his first priority. Ending it now doesn't mean you can never, ever get back together someday in the future. But he'll have to make some serious changes to his life before he's even worth you thinking about.

 

Walk away planning for it to be forever. Maybe in six months - NOT weeks - you can look him up and see what he's done with himself, if you still care (you will probably be disappointed).

 

Definitely don't give him an open doormat invitation to come back whenever he feels like it!

[whichwayisup]

So I'm supposed to give him my blessing? As he goes skipping off to play happy

Families with someone he claims he doesn't love and neither loves him..yet if for whatever reason he decides in 6 week that no he's actually preferred me well that's ok then! He'll just give me a buzz and we can start anew! Win-Win!

I have a very big issue with that.. I can't my pride won't allow it..it hurts like goddamn hell and yes part of me wants to say what do you have to lose?

 

I'm afraid I'd lose me

 

You're doing the right thing. Removing yourself is freeing you. This guy is LIVING LIFE with someone else and they have blended families and friends.

Don't doubt your decision by ending it. There's no future there with him. He already is with someone.

 

Sorry you're hurting, take good care of you and surround yourself with friends and family who can support you during this difficult time.

[Chica80]

There is another alternative--refusing to be an "option" now or ever! Walk away & never look back.

 

Giving "him those 6 weeks" sets a precedent--that she will tolerate such treatment. A cheater's dream but a nightmare for a woman with any self respect.

 

Mikroula--Your options are to either end it & face the pain now or hang around and wait to suffer even more later. Be strong & protect your heart.

 

I think you misunderstood my point, where I was coming from.

 

OP asked did she do the right thing?

Yes she did the right thing drop him and move on. He's still w gf has no intention of breaking up with her.

 

I don't mean wait as in sit around wait. I meant if by some miniscule possibility he is telling the truth (which they never are) then she can start something w him in 6 weeks when he is single.

 

But don't stay on the side believing he will end it in six weeks.

[heartwhole]

I ended it today..

 

I recently found out he had a gf even though he was seeing me..he stated I should give him time so that he could 'sort things out'

 

This is one of the messages he sent me

 

'I've had the worst first weekend ever at home. My blind dog is really poorly and didn't even recognise me . I have had chance to speak with her though. She stopped me straight away and said she'd been thinking the same thing about it all. I found out she had also met someone in Qatar but she doesn't think she has a future with someone who lives 3 hours away. That said we have a holiday booked with friends next month and we said we would give things a try for 6 weeks and if it doesn't work after that then we'd tell our parents and break up. I owe it to her to try that!'

 

I told him no..I'm not a toy he can just leave and pick up whenever he feels like it.. I just need validation that I'm doing the right thing because it hurts so much right now that I really don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

 

I'm so sorry. I'm right with you on the pride thing . . . he wants you just to sit around being his Plan B? How strong can his feelings for you be if his priority is trying to make a different relationship work first? They're not married (that we know of), no kids . . . . so the only logical conclusion is that they're still together because they love each other and want to make it work.

 

As for the guy, I get the impression for your posts that the issue is him. I don't think he has the emotional resources to be in a healthy relationship with either of you. He needs better coping skills for his stress and depression. And while maybe the "She and I were broken up and you and I weren't an official item" statement is technically true, it also suggests a lack of integrity and honesty.

 

Here's how I feel about things . . . am I going to sit around in a love triangle hoping I get chosen? No. Don't be silly. Anyone would be lucky to be with me and if my partner doesn't see that, then the problem is him, not circumstances, not me, not timing . . . him.

[ladydesigner]

He thinks she deserves more of a chance than you do; he's clearly saying that if she'll have him, he doesn't want you. So what's to wait for?

 

If you can't help caring about him, that still doesn't mean you have to officially wait around for him, especially when he's made it clear that you're not his first priority. Ending it now doesn't mean you can never, ever get back together someday in the future. But he'll have to make some serious changes to his life before he's even worth you thinking about.

 

Walk away planning for it to be forever. Maybe in six months - NOT weeks - you can look him up and see what he's done with himself, if you still care (you will probably be disappointed).

 

Definitely don't give him an open doormat invitation to come back whenever he feels like it!

 

Really good point! A good point for all OW with a MM who is waffling!

[Chica80]

Forget everything I said before......I didn't realize this was linked to another thread. I just read the begging now. You did the right thing.....move on.