Having to cope with 12 years of lies

[Hernandez2007]

I wrote a thread with back story to my divorce and someone metioned that after finding out that my 12 years with my now ex husband was all a sham, coping with it would be like coping with a death. However, I am still struggling with the millions of thoughts circling my head. This is a fresh wound. He was pretty much my only support system. We have one son together. I feel like my life keeps replaying in my head. He was my high school sweetheart (I am now 29) and I dont know how to accept that its over nor do I know how to process that it was never as real to him as it was to me. He has moved on and im here just wondering How? And why?

[keiji]

I just read your original post. In some ways it reminds me of my story with my now ex-wife. Although perhaps not so tortuous, I also lived a lie for 9 years and, let's be honest, it's still hard to digest six years after parting ways. I'd suggest you to find a good therapist that helps you deal with the sudden realization that nothing was what it seemed to be. I went through an extremely long negation phase and I got nothing good out of it.

 

The idea that you have wasted many years and you have invested in someone who was only in your imagination (so to speak) can be very haunting. More importantly, try not to distrust everyone who approaches you from now on. I know it's easier than done, and I'm still too hurt to give myself entirely to someone else after all that happened, but at least keep that idea close at hand and work on it, again, with the help of a professional that can properly guide you.

 

My best wishes.

[stillafool]

Have you thought about getting professional help to get you through this and bring you to acceptance? I think that is your best bet if you find yourself continually struggling and not able to move forward.

[sandylee1]

Sorry for this nightmare you're living. What an utter bas***d he is.

 

Did the OW know about you?

 

I always wonder what kind of a family that people who do this come from. Because no decent parents or siblings would entertain his double life and the rest of it.

 

They'd tell him where to get off. Unless your from a culture who thinks men have the right to as many women as they want.

 

Do you have a relationship with his family?

[Hernandez2007]

Have you thought about getting professional help to get you through this and bring you to acceptance? I think that is your best bet if you find yourself continually struggling and not able to move forward.

I am meeting with a therapist this Thursday. She has a back story to my relationship. I just stopped going after a few sessions. This time, I know I need to stick to them. Ive also found a support group that meets on Fridays. Anything to help. I dont know anyone who has gone through this so Im hust desperate for more than just the regular "you need to move on," because No. Im hurting and this is almost half my life that just turned dark on me. It really is depressing.

[Hernandez2007]

Sorry for this nightmare you're living. What an utter bas***d he is.

 

Did the OW know about you?

 

I always wonder what kind of a family that people who do this come from. Because no decent parents or siblings would entertain his double life and the rest of it.

 

They'd tell him where to get off. Unless your from a culture who thinks men have the right to as many women as they want.

 

Do you have a relationship with his family?

Soooo thats another two major issues. His new woman does know of me. She has known of me for ten years. They were involved. And I spoke to her a few days and she blatanly told me that she didnt care if he sleeps with me a hundred times, she still wants to be with him. Sooooo that still confuses me but, thats on her. Secondly, his family. I do still keep some contact. They have been a part of my life for 15 years and thats also my sons family. But they baby him. No matter how many wrongs he does. He always put them before me. And I always told him that and he would shrug me off. His mom basically sat there the other day and called me a liar when I was reminding them of all the truths. It is a very complicated situation with them. That whole family has a bond like one ive never seen.

[keiji]

Soooo thats another two major issues. His new woman does know of me. She has known of me for ten years. They were involved. And I spoke to her a few days and she blatanly told me that she didnt care if he sleeps with me a hundred times, she still wants to be with him. Sooooo that still confuses me but, thats on her. Secondly, his family. I do still keep some contact. They have been a part of my life for 15 years and thats also my sons family. But they baby him. No matter how many wrongs he does. He always put them before me. And I always told him that and he would shrug me off. His mom basically sat there the other day and called me a liar when I was reminding them of all the truths. It is a very complicated situation with them. That whole family has a bond like one ive never seen.

 

Please, be very systematic with your therapy. You need to move on, that's no lie, but it's going to be a steep road for sure.

 

I don't know if telling you my story will be reassuring, but now I'm doing so much better and I'm happier than I've been in years despite of the trauma I was subjected to, so I'm hoping it may help in some way. It took a lot of work, and I will restart therapy after a six-month hiatus, but it's totally worth it.

 

I mentioned that my story was perhaps less tortuous, but I would define it as "creepy as hell". In the last few days living together, I realized that my wife was absolutely nuts. I can't give a proper diagnosis, but I'd say she's schizophrenic or something akin to that. As months went by, I discovered through people from her past life that she'd adopted an entirely different personality in each relationship and lived a lie for years on end without nobody noticing, except for her family, who witnessed it every time and just waited for the next "cheap horror episode". Every single anecdote that she told me during 9 years hadn't actually happened to her, but other people. She choses boyfriends who live far apart from each other and begins a new life becoming who her new OS expects her to be. In my case, due to my profession and hobbies, she became "arty". She hated sports. Now she practices every discipline you can imagine. She was cheating on me with a coworker while at the same time staring a fertility program to have children, needless to say, with me. Then she had an affair with an old school mate too, which I discovered. In light of that, she proceeded to take sleeping pills to show her regret, so we landed in hospital and an asylum for a quick check up (it's mandatory in my country). To this day she denies having ever set foot in an asylum. A few days later she withdrew all the money from the bank and told everyone I was basically the worst person on earth, etc, etc, etc.

 

I could go on forever. This is just the tip of the iceberg, but I just want to try to convey how hard it was to accept having lived a Z horror movie and slept with the enemy for 9 years. But I'm OK now, and you'll be OK too. Be strong and work really, really hard.

[stillafool]

Naturally his family is going to stick by him as he is their blood. Distance yourself from them even if they are part of your son's family. You have to protect yourself at this point. Lean on your family as they are your support system. Of course they hate him and I don't blame them. Your husbands mother is acting as if she hates you by calling you a liar. Don't trust them. Definitely get back in therapy as they can show you ways to cope with this. I thnk it's great you have joined a group.

[Hernandez2007]

Please, be very systematic with your therapy. You need to move on, that's no lie, but it's going to be a steep road for sure.

 

I don't know if telling you my story will be reassuring, but now I'm doing so much better and I'm happier than I've been in years despite of the trauma I was subjected to, so I'm hoping it may help in some way. It took a lot of work, and I will restart therapy after a six-month hiatus, but it's totally worth it.

 

I mentioned that my story was perhaps less tortuous, but I would define it as "creepy as hell". In the last few days living together, I realized that my wife was absolutely nuts. I can't give a proper diagnosis, but I'd say she's schizophrenic or something akin to that. As months went by, I discovered through people from her past life that she'd adopted an entirely different personality in each relationship and lived a lie for years on end without nobody noticing, except for her family, who witnessed it every time and just waited for the next "cheap horror episode". Every single anecdote that she told me during 9 years hadn't actually happened to her, but other people. She choses boyfriends who live far apart from each other and begins a new life becoming who her new OS expects her to be. In my case, due to my profession and hobbies, she became "arty". She hated sports. Now she practices every discipline you can imagine. She was cheating on me with a coworker while at the same time staring a fertility program to have children, needless to say, with me. Then she had an affair with an old school mate too, which I discovered. In light of that, she proceeded to take sleeping pills to show her regret, so we landed in hospital and an asylum for a quick check up (it's mandatory in my country). To this day she denies having ever set foot in an asylum. A few days later she withdrew all the money from the bank and told everyone I was basically the worst person on earth, etc, etc, etc.

 

I could go on forever. This is just the tip of the iceberg, but I just want to try to convey how hard it was to accept having lived a Z horror movie and slept with the enemy for 9 years. But I'm OK now, and you'll be OK too. Be strong and work really, really hard.

Wow. These past few days, just venting on here, Ive seen that people have gone through so much. When I tell my story I feel like its a movie, something so despicable and unbelievable but im not the only one. I hope all of the steps I take get me to that place where I can look back and not hurt. I just want to be happy. I know its a long road ahead. I cant even imagine.

[Hernandez2007]

Naturally his family is going to stick by him as he is their blood. Distance yourself from them even if they are part of your son's family. You have to protect yourself at this point. Lean on your family as they are your support system. Of course they hate him and I don't blame them. Your husbands mother is acting as if she hates you by calling you a liar. Don't trust them. Definitely get back in therapy as they can show you ways to cope with this. I thnk it's great you have joined a group.

I dont trust the family. But then again, my son will be seeing them ONCE his dad decides to start going off the visitation document. He hasnt made contact, but I know him. I have always told my son that he can tell me anything. And he does. Its his dad he doesnt fully trust. I know I need to protect my son, but he will see his dad for what he is. He is 9 and so smart. He even asked me, why is my dad a liar. Im sick of sugar coating it and making excuses for his dad. The details of all of this are just endless and make me wanna scream.

[keiji]

Wow. These past few days, just venting on here, Ive seen that people have gone through so much. When I tell my story I feel like its a movie, something so despicable and unbelievable but im not the only one. I hope all of the steps I take get me to that place where I can look back and not hurt. I just want to be happy. I know its a long road ahead. I cant even imagine.

 

Once I met this writer who asked me if he could write down the full story and use it for a movie script. I was right in the middle of the storm right then and I declined, but it's good material :-). I'm sure you'll laugh about it all in time.

Edited January 3, 2017 by keiji