Author Heart broke Posted January 8, 2017 Author Share Posted January 8, 2017 My boy goes to counseling on Fridays. I let him quit basketball because he said he was only doing it for my husband, and not because he wanted to. He's only been going to counseling for a few weeks, but I think it's been good for him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 What does he say he's learning in counseling? Are you going to a counselor? Link to post Share on other sites
DaveChapelle Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 I have sixteen year old son who is a great kid. Honor roll, popular, star basketball player, and a sweet kid all around. He asked me recently if he could quit the basketball team and start playing drums. I told him of course and we made a deal I'd pay half, and he would pay half. He picked out a set he wanted, which is pretty expensive and I told him okay, he could have that one. A few days later I found out I am pregnant again. With a pregnancy and soon to be new baby, I changed my mind about the drumset, and would like him to get an electric kit instead. They can be turned down and played with headphones, so on days I need quiet or when the baby comes he can still practice without disturbing us. I told him this and he got quiet and I could tell he was upset. Now he won't work with me on getting one. When I ask him about them he sort of just shuts down the conversation. I feel bad this happened, but I just don't think the full kit is a good idea now. What should I do? That is not 'changing your mind' (which should happen before you give your word) that is breaking your promise. What kind of an example are you setting if you are breaking your word when it is not convenient for you? You should have kept your end of the bargain and let him, as a 16 year old (as he is not a kid) be considerate to your new baby's needs. You know what integrity is? Doing what you say you are going to do. He probably quit the bball team based on your conversation. You think coaches allow people come and go like that? If you can't keep your promises, don't make one! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DaveChapelle Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Yes same father. And the father was recently caught cheating, and using drugs, and destroyed the TV, all of which the son knows. Dad has also assulted mom, but she is hiding that from the son - but the kids do know that dad is kicked out, and S**** is hitting the fan. Get him the drum set. Do you have a garage? He can play in there. You can hang sound dampening material. My dad got me a horse while my parents divorced. It saved my sanity. I had an escape from the chaos, something else to fucus on. His world just got blown up as much as yours did. Let him have a freaking drum set. I am betting he has a lot of pent up emotion that he would like to take out on those drums. She is lucky he hasn't turned to destructive behavior. Drug rehab will cost most than the drum set. She is playing with fire. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 She is lucky he hasn't turned to destructive behavior. Drug rehab will cost most than the drum set. She is playing with fire. Is this a thing? Over a divorce of the parents you have to either vandalize and start taking drugs or be showered with material gifts to cope? I'm getting old. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 you all who are bashing her, stop. We only get bits and pieces of her life so make judgements and assuming her son will end up on drugs is ridiculous! Chill. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heart broke Posted January 9, 2017 Author Share Posted January 9, 2017 You are all absolutely right, I'm an absolutely horrible wife and mother, and my kids deserve so much more. Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 When I told him I got it he started to cry. Cry in a good way or bad? You didn't specify his emotions so idk if he was happy or sad. Also, what drumset did you decide on? The real one or the electronic one? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Get a hold of your strength and do the right thing fora positive future. Take action quickly! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heart broke Posted January 9, 2017 Author Share Posted January 9, 2017 He doesn't want to talk to me about the counselor, and I'm fine with that, as long as it helps. I got him the acoustic set he wanted, and they were happy tears. Thank you all for the input. I appreciate it, and I'm just going to go back to being a horrible mother. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 OP I don't think you are a horrible mom, I think you are in a very stressful situation and doing the best you can under the circumstances. First your husband becoming abusive and then discovering you are pregnant, all while trying to maintain a somewhat normal household for your other two children. You have a lot on your plate. I see you got your boy his drums and he was really happy. That's awesome but I disagree with the posters who seemed to feel that not getting him the drums was going to be a mortal sin. Of course we should make every effort to keep our word to others but sometimes circumstances change and alternatives need to be explored and your boy is old enough to start learning about compromise and acceptance, so had you not gotten him the drums I would not have judged that as poor parenting. Glad you are not being intrusive where his counselling is concerned. What he talks about in his sessions is confidential and can choose to keep it private if he wants to so its good that you are respecting his privacy. I don't think you are a bad mom, you obviously love your children very much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I got him the acoustic set he wanted, and they were happy tears. ok thanks for clarifying. Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 He doesn't want to talk to me about the counselor, and I'm fine with that, as long as it helps. I got him the acoustic set he wanted, and they were happy tears. Thank you all for the input. I appreciate it, and I'm just going to go back to being a horrible mother. You are not a horrible mother. The only thing I think you are doing wrong is protecting your abusive husband. Your children need to learn that bullying and abuse should not be tolerated under any circumstances, stranding up to your husband and making him accountable for what he has done will fix this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 You never know where it may go. I wouldn't have guessed when I passed my kit on to my son at age 9 and by age 10 clearly out drumming me. I too told him I would buy half of a new set. I did that twice in just a few years as he needed to upgrade. Oh there is noise and pictures rattling on the wall for sure. Wife and I both agreed let him go at it as he was really getting plugged in. Age 14 he was killing it and amazed older more experienced guys than him that were touring. At 18 or so he moved to Nashville to make his mark. Started recording and playing out. He's 24 now, 2016 he toured and played in 18 different countries. Now he does need an E kit to practice where ever he happens to be at in between gigs and tours. It's our job as parents to help our kids excel in their talents, it just happened to be a bit louder one in our case. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heart broke Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 He seems a little more at ease with me. The coach has been calling me asking if he'll reconsider, but he doesn't want to play. I keep telling him it could help him get scholarships, and he says if he gets good enough at drums so could they. I guess I just have to let him follow his heart. I'm going to have my kids stay with my brother for a few days so they can get away from this for a little while. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
foxgener Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 He seems a little more at ease with me. The coach has been calling me asking if he'll reconsider, but he doesn't want to play. I keep telling him it could help him get scholarships, and he says if he gets good enough at drums so could they. I guess I just have to let him follow his heart. I'm going to have my kids stay with my brother for a few days so they can get away from this for a little while. Drum/Music scholarships are not as many as basketball scholarships. And basketball is a team sport vs. drum is an isolated activity. I think the last thing your son needs right now is to be isolated. I would encourage her to go back to the basketball club. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Actually, not really... My son could have gotten a scholarship to a number of schools playing drums and percussion. And a lot of times the want you to major in music for that scholarship as well. But, he did not want to deal with any marching band stuff. He would do all the jazz, symphonic/concert stuff, but not the marching. Also, if he left to take on of those scholarships he would lose all the local work that he has built up over the years. Athletic scholarships are much more difficult to come by. But for OP's son, she should know that music is its own reward and therapy for most people. I know it has helped me through many difficult times. Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 He seems a little more at ease with me. The coach has been calling me asking if he'll reconsider, but he doesn't want to play. I keep telling him it could help him get scholarships, and he says if he gets good enough at drums so could they. I guess I just have to let him follow his heart. I'm going to have my kids stay with my brother for a few days so they can get away from this for a little while. I think what he desires in his heart is way more important, especially if it's music. Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 Drum/Music scholarships are not as many as basketball scholarships. And basketball is a team sport vs. drum is an isolated activity. I think the last thing your son needs right now is to be isolated. I would encourage her to go back to the basketball club. Ah.. If people would stop talking about things they don't understand we'd all be better off. Have you played in a band? Drumming is everything but a solo activity. The worst thing you can do is force a child to pursue an activity it doesn't like. OP, the useful, relevant posts are becoming scarce now. I think you're doing a great job in what certainly is a tough situation. I also commend you for not painting your kids father in the worst possible way. This is valuable for the future. Some posters seem to live in a very black and white world. Drumming yes under every conceivable circumstances and the father neefs to be tarred and feathered, in front of the kids if possible. Please, we're talking about a real family here, not a sitcom. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 My DD26 was a drummer. I loved Sandy Dennis growing up because my mom loved it. I sought out the beat. I raised DD26 to love the rhythm. She sought out rhythm in everything and, as a teenager, gravitated towards the drums. Even 10 years later, it's what's important to her. IF he's a rhythm lover, let him pursue it. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 I know a local boy who got a full ride to USC playing the drums. He also plays piano but they wanted him for their marching band. Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 (edited) Tell him that you're sorry but NO. Let him know you know you are at fault and you agreed to something you couldn't follow through. He can get a set of drums when he's at his own place. It's ok. He's at that age where he begins to understand that parents are not perfect beings and that they can make mistakes sometimes. Just refrain from making promises you probably won't be able to keep from now on. Edit: Just read the whole thread. Glad everything went well. You're not a bad mom. Edited January 12, 2017 by WomenWubber Link to post Share on other sites
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