SaveYourHeart Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 Good morning LoveShack! I'm going to keep this post as short and sweet as possible. I've been married for 2 years to an alcoholic who tends to become enraged when drinking. He doesn't do it to get a buzz, he drinks to get blackout wasted. His father was a drug addict who wasn't in his life at all, his mother was a falling down drunk (and still is). He didn't start drinking heavily until about 2 months after we got married. Recently we had a nice little breakthrough where he admitted he had a dependence on alcohol. He said that it allows him to relax and communicate better with me, but almost all of our issues stem from what he's said when he's drunk. I've asked him to work on it and he has off and on. He will not go to AA meetings and doesn't want to go back to marriage counseling because our counselor was a looney tune. SO, my question is: What are some ideas to help your significant other battle this disease? What are your personal experiences? Thanks in advance! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 Good morning LoveShack! I'm going to keep this post as short and sweet as possible. I've been married for 2 years to an alcoholic who tends to become enraged when drinking. He doesn't do it to get a buzz, he drinks to get blackout wasted. His father was a drug addict who wasn't in his life at all, his mother was a falling down drunk (and still is). He didn't start drinking heavily until about 2 months after we got married. Recently we had a nice little breakthrough where he admitted he had a dependence on alcohol. He said that it allows him to relax and communicate better with me, but almost all of our issues stem from what he's said when he's drunk. I've asked him to work on it and he has off and on. He will not go to AA meetings and doesn't want to go back to marriage counseling because our counselor was a looney tune. SO, my question is: What are some ideas to help your significant other battle this disease? What are your personal experiences? Thanks in advance! Honestly, run & get yourself into allnon meetings. There isn't anything you can do but not deal with it. He doesn't want help, you can't control his behavior, only your own. Good luck 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 There's absolutely nothing you can do for him if he won't seek help, but you should get some help and support for yourself. There are a number of organisations you can call. Check local information. Take care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 I didn't know that was a thing! Thank you for sharing! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 There's absolutely nothing you can do for him if he won't seek help, but you should get some help and support for yourself. There are a number of organisations you can call. Check local information. Take care. Apparently I've been searching for help in all the wrong places, more focused on getting him help than myself. I'm excited to connect with people in similar situations to mine 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 I didn't know that was a thing! Thank you for sharing! Yes, yes, yes! It's just like an AA meeting but for those who live with addicts! It's very helpful & free! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 Yes, yes, yes! It's just like an AA meeting but for those who live with addicts! It's very helpful & free! I'm not going to lie, I'm super excited!!! None of my family has had to deal with the situations I've been presented with, and I never want to put my husband down to them. I'm fairly young, so my friends are all single and don't understand why I can't just leave him. It's been a huge struggle that I didn't think that I could handle, but am trying my hardest. I can't wait to be a part of a support group that are struggling and coping with the same things I am! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 I'm not going to lie, I'm super excited!!! None of my family has had to deal with the situations I've been presented with, and I never want to put my husband down to them. I'm fairly young, so my friends are all single and don't understand why I can't just leave him. It's been a huge struggle that I didn't think that I could handle, but am trying my hardest. I can't wait to be a part of a support group that are struggling and coping with the same things I am! They'll treat you like family...now does it mean your marriage can be saved, I don't know but at least you'll be speaking & meeting people that do understand your struggle & can give you some really good advice as they get to know you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
enddeck Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 Alcoholism is a disease and will not cure itself without help.Your husband needs to know what triggers his drinking and work on that.Al Anon is a great help to people in your situation but in the long run if your husband does not seek help it will probably be in your best interest to run from this marriage. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 I'm going to an al-anon meeting on Sunday! Thanks everyone! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Fugu Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Good morning LoveShack! I'm going to keep this post as short and sweet as possible. I've been married for 2 years to an alcoholic who tends to become enraged when drinking. He doesn't do it to get a buzz, he drinks to get blackout wasted. His father was a drug addict who wasn't in his life at all, his mother was a falling down drunk (and still is). He didn't start drinking heavily until about 2 months after we got married. Recently we had a nice little breakthrough where he admitted he had a dependence on alcohol. He said that it allows him to relax and communicate better with me, but almost all of our issues stem from what he's said when he's drunk. I've asked him to work on it and he has off and on. He will not go to AA meetings and doesn't want to go back to marriage counseling because our counselor was a looney tune. SO, my question is: What are some ideas to help your significant other battle this disease? What are your personal experiences? Thanks in advance! He doesn't have to go to AA meetings but he needs to see someone who specializes in substance abuse treatment -- that's a necessity. There may be other options than AA, which is based on strict abstinence and religious philosophical mumbo jumbo. AA might work for a lot of people but not everyone. Google substance abuse specialists in your area. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted January 5, 2017 Author Share Posted January 5, 2017 Unfortunately, he refuses any kind of professional help. He acknowledged that he had a problem, but thinks he can fix it on his own. The problem is that he never makes any attempts to quit drinking, or if he does, it lasts for only a few days. Link to post Share on other sites
Sooner or Later Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 This site is very useful--the forum and members of 'Friends and Family of Alcoholics' provide some great support! The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted January 5, 2017 Author Share Posted January 5, 2017 This site is very useful--the forum and members of 'Friends and Family of Alcoholics' provide some great support! The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com Thank you!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
miroslawklozzet Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 it's sad... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted February 22, 2017 Author Share Posted February 22, 2017 It is. It's absolutely heartbreaking. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 How are you holding up? You don't have to share here or break anonymity but did you get to the Al-Anon meeting? Did it help? At least you should have learned that until he wants help or hits rock bottom you can't do anything for him. You can learn to stop enabling him & to protect yourself. If appropriate you may also develop the courage to enact the changes you require. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted February 22, 2017 Author Share Posted February 22, 2017 Hey dOnnivain! I've been going to 3 al-anon meetings a week and they work wonders for me. It puts the focus back on myself and my recovery. The longer I'm in it, the more I see that I can't help him. I can't fix him. His sgt knows about his alcohol problems and confronted him about it (the way he smells) and THAT wasn't enough to hit rock bottom. He's begun hiding alcohol as if I can't tell. His lying and deception when he's "sober" is showing me that maybe it's time for me to let go. I'm 24 and miserable. I can't do anything for myself without being "punished" for it. The meetings are enlightening and I've done a lot of inventory of myself and am starting to realize my self-worth. It is a process and it is a journey, but I'm excited to finally make some changes in my life for MY happiness. <3 Thank you for asking <3 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted February 22, 2017 Author Share Posted February 22, 2017 Above all, I've learned that I cannot live the rest of my life next to an active alcoholic. I can't wait forever for him to find recover, and maybe me being there every time I say I'm going to leave is me being an enabler. Maybe I am his rock bottom. I won't have children with an active alcoholic, and being a mom is my dream. I'm staying in al-anon for another 4 months before I make any final decisions. I want this to be something I DECIDE on through patience, soul searching, and research. I don't want a spontaneous "I'm not happy LET'S GET A DIVORCE" kind of thing. I want to have peace with my decision. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
irene08 Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 (edited) I had the similar situation but I somehow manage to take my hubby to a wellness treatment centre in Toronto. He was an alcoholic addict and suffered from many health issues. If your hubby is ready to quit drinking just ask him to gradually reduce the intake. A strong desire can help him to stop his drinking habit. I appreciate you for being with him in this state. Good luck dear!! Edited April 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EmilyJane Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 (edited) Unfortunately, he refuses any kind of professional help. He acknowledged that he had a problem, but thinks he can fix it on his own. The problem is that he never makes any attempts to quit drinking, or if he does, it lasts for only a few days. This is exactly what my ex did/does. It's so incredibly frustrating as they just cannot see that they have zero control over their addiction and do not have the ability to discover triggers and strategies without professional guidance. I think it's just another "protect the addiction" strategy. My ex had a bajillion of them. I did wait around for him to get help. I was already supporting him through depression and anxiety. But he did nothing. Then he went off his medication and hid it and the drinking and weed smoking went through the roof. I was the one keeping everything steady at the same time as being abused and berated and intimidated by this aggro drunk who constantly spat nasty things at me and told me he didn't love me and that he hated our home and would do things while drunk like move all his things out yet still bloody not actually leave. Then there would be his huge mood crashes were he was desperate for comfort and physical affection. It was exhausting. My whole life was consumed by trying to keep our home and lives stable. I could do almost nothing for myself and I was constantly reeling and recovering from one drama and hyper vigilant for the next. I left him. I hoped it would be enough of a shock losing me that he would get help. I just could not do it anymore. I was and am still heartbroken at the things he's said to me and so incredibly hurt by his actions. He did not support me financially through the threatened and eventually enforced by me separation. A lot of his attacks and destabilising actions centred on money. I have absolutely no idea why. But I was somehow to blame. I was incredibly financially and physically vulnerable. I suffered a serious accident and am only now seeking work. He used that to control me. The threat that I couldn't pay the rent without him. And his really big blow up argument seeking always seemed to coincide with me taking a step to financial independence or things for my future. In the end I decided I would just borrow money and get in a boarder to cover the rent and cut all ties with him so I could actually maintain health and mental equilibrium enough to secure a job. Edited April 3, 2017 by EmilyJane 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted April 3, 2017 Author Share Posted April 3, 2017 He thinks he can moderate his drinking, but time after time he fails. He's lied, he's hidden it, he's always starting an argument about something while he's drunk. I'd been going to al-anon but now I just feel worn down and I feel like a failure for not going. It's only a matter of time now before I leave. I can't see myself hurting like this forever. I hope your transition is going well EmilyJane. Come join us over at SoberRecovery.com and share your story. I get a lot of support there. My username is the same in case you want to chitchat <3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EmilyJane Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 (edited) He thinks he can moderate his drinking, but time after time he fails. He's lied, he's hidden it, he's always starting an argument about something while he's drunk. I'd been going to al-anon but now I just feel worn down and I feel like a failure for not going. It's only a matter of time now before I leave. I can't see myself hurting like this forever. I hope your transition is going well EmilyJane. Come join us over at SoberRecovery.com and share your story. I get a lot of support there. My username is the same in case you want to chitchat <3 I didn't even know that was a thing. I wish I'd had support the last year. I was so naive about what was happening. Edit: I've joined up now. Different user name. But understand about 20% only of the posts. I'm realising I have even less of a handle on what was happening than I thought. Edited April 4, 2017 by EmilyJane 1 Link to post Share on other sites
caringsister Posted April 4, 2017 Share Posted April 4, 2017 This site is very useful--the forum and members of 'Friends and Family of Alcoholics' provide some great support! The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com I was totally going to recommend the same site 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted April 4, 2017 Author Share Posted April 4, 2017 I didn't even know that was a thing. I wish I'd had support the last year. I was so naive about what was happening. Edit: I've joined up now. Different user name. But understand about 20% only of the posts. I'm realising I have even less of a handle on what was happening than I thought. I look back on my posts regularly and realize how differently I see things now by researching the disease and understanding that I'm messed up too. I'm glad you joined! I love loveshack, but the support I get on soberrecovery is a lot more specific to my needs. <3 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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