Married to an Alcoholic

[EmilyJane]

I look back on my posts regularly and realize how differently I see things now by researching the disease and understanding that I'm messed up too. I'm glad you joined! I love loveshack, but the support I get on soberrecovery is a lot more specific to my needs. <3

 

Your previous post describes almost exactly what mine has been like for months.

 

Mine got in contact to say he's cut back to once a week. I don't believe him and I don't think it will last without him getting help. But I do think I'm still holding on to hope he will do it. It's been twelve months since he started drinking.

[SaveYourHeart]

Mine started drinking a few months after we got married in 2014. I didn't realize it was such a problem until it got so out of control that I didn't know what normal was anymore. I didn't know who he was anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. This journey has been so painful and nothing prepared me for it. I love the person he was. I will always love him in a way, but I lost myself once in a relationship with an addict, I'll be damned if I stay in this marriage because I *hope* he'll stop drinking. I don't want to wake up old and gray and realize that I've spent my entire life being miserable and stuck in a relationship with someone who won't choose me over the bottle.

[EmilyJane]

Mine started drinking a few months after we got married in 2014. I didn't realize it was such a problem until it got so out of control that I didn't know what normal was anymore. I didn't know who he was anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. This journey has been so painful and nothing prepared me for it. I love the person he was. I will always love him in a way, but I lost myself once in a relationship with an addict, I'll be damned if I stay in this marriage because I *hope* he'll stop drinking. I don't want to wake up old and gray and realize that I've spent my entire life being miserable and stuck in a relationship with someone who won't choose me over the bottle.

 

Yeah, the way your life becomes sideways to normal. All of it really.

 

I think I'm still hoping that me not being there and he's living somewhere else instead of his home and I don't speak to him will be enough to motivate him to do something. So far it's just enough to admit he needs help and has a problem.

 

I didn't want to wake up in another six months still waiting for things to get better. Or be pushed down the stairs or something.

 

Mine is still managing to hold down a govt job and not drink during working hours.

 

I wish I didn't have hope. But I do.

 

I'm still very in love with sober him. I'm having trouble moving on.

[Pete2304]

If either or you want to speak to someone who turned to drink and then realised all too late that was the problem, I'm happy to talk. I had a shocking on/off ten year marriage but we actually had a shot the last six months until my drinking ruined it. Might be able to give a perspective from the other side though.

[EmilyJane]

If either or you want to speak to someone who turned to drink and then realised all too late that was the problem, I'm happy to talk. I had a shocking on/off ten year marriage but we actually had a shot the last six months until my drinking ruined it. Might be able to give a perspective from the other side though.

 

That's a fantastic generous offer. I would love to hear your story if you are willing to share.

 

My situation has become more complicated. Mine has developed some vey sudden and extremely severe mental illness symptoms and has started to lose touch with reality. Got him to the doctor and on meds and in therapy when he turned up at my door terrified and suicidal. It seems clear now the alcohol was masking stress induced mental illness. He would hate me describing what he's suffering from in such a public arena.

 

A few days prior to this he was trying to make amends. Which I declined. Kept the boundary and kept repeating that I would not be with him until he was in therapy and sober for a few months minimum. It was horrible and I cried the whole conversation.

 

I've offered him limited support with extremely firm boundaries that all contact will be withdrawn if he ceases to comply with treatment or drinks again. I'm very torn because leaving him and kicking him out then going no contact was clearly the trigger for this. I hate how I seem to be so tied up in him deteriorating.

 

Told him no reconciliation for a few more months while he stabilised as now was not the time and he was not capable of being my partner right now. But still let him sleep in our bed that one night for comfort. I have to confess it's the first proper nights sleep I've had since we seperated. I realised that while I'm handling breaking up on an intellectual and emotional level there's this primal physical level where my body misses my big cuddly warm man person.

 

But he wants to come home and it's awful to see him like this.

I want him to come home, I just am also resisting that because it's not sensible. I need to maintain my life and routine and efforts to improve my life and not get overly drawn in and invested in his latest crisis. And it will not change anything. The same problems are still there.

I think now that maybe I never intended to leave him permantly. I'm pretty confused and scared.

Edited April 13, 2017 by EmilyJane

[EmilyJane]

 

My situation has become more complicated. Mine has developed some vey sudden and extremely severe mental illness symptoms and has started to lose touch with reality. Got him to the doctor and on meds and in therapy when he turned up at my door terrified and suicidal. It seems clear now the alcohol was masking stress induced mental illness. He would hate me describing what he's suffering from in such a public arena.

 

A few days prior to this he was trying to make amends. Which I declined. Kept the boundary and kept repeating that I would not be with him until he was in therapy and sober for a few months minimum. It was horrible and I cried the whole conversation.

 

I've offered him limited support with extremely firm boundaries that all contact will be withdrawn if he ceases to comply with treatment or drinks again. I'm very torn because leaving him and kicking him out then going no contact was clearly the trigger for this. I hate how I seem to be so tied up in him deteriorating.

 

Told him no reconciliation for a few more months while he stabilised as now was not the time and he was not capable of being my partner right now. But still let him sleep in our bed that one night for comfort. I have to confess it's the first proper nights sleep I've had since we seperated. I realised that while I'm handling breaking up on an intellectual and emotional level there's this primal physical level where my body misses my big cuddly warm man person.

 

But he wants to come home and it's awful to see him like this.

I want him to come home, I just am also resisting that because it's not sensible. I need to maintain my life and routine and efforts to improve my life and not get overly drawn in and invested in his latest crisis. And it will not change anything. The same problems are still there.

I think now that maybe I never intended to leave him permantly. I'm pretty confused and scared.

 

I take it all back.

Not going to do this bollocks. Been here before. Started to blur that boundary but found my brain again.

 

It helped thst he started going back on everything he said after taking some very exhausting emotional support and loving reassurance from me because I was so shocked and scared for him. He is now feeling better since seeing me and stabilising a bit and not drinking that he doesn't want to move back or try to fix things.

 

Not in love with me my ass.

 

I have to confess the first words that came out of my mouth in response was rather calmly telling him I hoped he burned in hell.

 

Not my finest hour.

 

Got him to the doctor and on meds and into his parents care. Going to follow through on my promise to set up his first appointment with the psychiatrist and drug and alcohol counselling and have dinner with him on Sunday. Then I've done the absolute limit of what I am willing to give him for absolutely zero in return and craploads of headf***ery. He either take up the opportunities to sort himself out or not. Not my bloody problem.

 

I'm supposed to not go no contact until he's stable so he doesn't commit suicide.

Because apparently despite not being in love with me, my not being in contact or refusing to see him or being upset with him is enough to tip him over the edge.

 

Thanks mental health system.

 

Fine. Go right ahead honey. My number is open.

 

I've just already deleted every trace of your contact details.

 

It will totally take him at least a month to work out that I'm not around any more. At which point I'll just keep telling him I'm not going to be his friend, I never was his friend and until he's been sober and stable a few months and talking reconciliation I don't want to be in contact.

Edited April 15, 2017 by EmilyJane

[Pete2304]

Hi all,

 

Sorry for my lack of a reply, I picked up some sort of bug and have been in bed feeling sorry for myself the last few days.

 

Emily if you still want me to, I would gladly share my story with you but if you don't want me to go into detail I can promise you with absolute certainty that alcoholism can happen to decent people and it's a bell of a job to climb out of the rut. You get to the point where you don't even get drunk anymore, you simply function with enough drink in your system that would have the average person falling about the place.

 

I woke up the other week with the mother of all hangovers and yet when I went back into my local pub that afternoon the woman who had been working the night before couldn't understand why I felt ill because she said l seemed fine when I left when in reality I'd drunk enough to get three people drunk. It becomes a pattern and that first drink of the day gets earlier and earlier. My wife made me admit I had a problem and promised to stand by me then left me two days later, needless to say I'm still drinking.

[EmilyJane]

Hi all,

 

Sorry for my lack of a reply, I picked up some sort of bug and have been in bed feeling sorry for myself the last few days.

 

Emily if you still want me to, I would gladly share my story with you but if you don't want me to go into detail I can promise you with absolute certainty that alcoholism can happen to decent people and it's a bell of a job to climb out of the rut. You get to the point where you don't even get drunk anymore, you simply function with enough drink in your system that would have the average person falling about the place.

 

I woke up the other week with the mother of all hangovers and yet when I went back into my local pub that afternoon the woman who had been working the night before couldn't understand why I felt ill because she said l seemed fine when I left when in reality I'd drunk enough to get three people drunk. It becomes a pattern and that first drink of the day gets earlier and earlier. My wife made me admit I had a problem and promised to stand by me then left me two days later, needless to say I'm still drinking.

 

Detail is fine Pete.

 

But you get well first. I'll still be around.

 

I'm actually beginning to think that his major issue is serious mental illness probably triggered by years of pot smoking (he quit around the sane time he met his drinking buddies). He's a mess.

 

I think in all honesty the best thing I can do is have firm boundaries, limit contact and facilitate avenues for proper support.

 

He's reduced to drinking one night a week then in the last week he's stopped completely because he's terrified of the paranoid delusion stuff.

 

He's under the illusion he can just not drink with no support.

 

I'm getting him a drug and alcohol counselling or psychologist appointment and psychiatrist appointment because he can't call about such things during working hours.

 

And that is it.

 

He's got no consistent idea of what he wants and I'm sick of the switching back and forth.

 

Me not being around means I'm not enabling him.

 

I honestly think it's the best chance for him to get this sorted and I can't handle being around him anymore

 

And I'm furiously disgusted with him

[Jason Van Jason]

Do not enable.. When you enable, your making him a victim. With being a victim, comes victim ego.

 

It sounds like you have this situation under control, although it may feel completely out of sorts still..

 

As a former addict myself, all I can really say is that most people only quit to start again.. Quitting is not a choice, but a lifestyle. Sobriety is a life style, not a promise or anything rooted in any sort of verbal action.

[Pete2304]

The paranoid stuff comes from the pot not the drinking.

 

Years ago I used to smoke pot every day. It got to the point where I couldn't be bothered doing anything. Drinking though is different. If you're stoned you won't do anything but alcoholics can function normally as long as they've got a drink inside​.

 

If he's stopped drinking most days then he's not an alcoholic. Seems more like the pot is the problem. I think you have to ask if there's still enough left of the person you fell in love with to be worth fighting for. Either way good luck.

[EmilyJane]

The paranoid stuff comes from the pot not the drinking.

 

Years ago I used to smoke pot every day. It got to the point where I couldn't be bothered doing anything. Drinking though is different. If you're stoned you won't do anything but alcoholics can function normally as long as they've got a drink inside​.

 

If he's stopped drinking most days then he's not an alcoholic. Seems more like the pot is the problem. I think you have to ask if there's still enough left of the person you fell in love with to be worth fighting for. Either way good luck.

 

Hmm.

 

Well obviously I don't know if he's stopped drinking for sure.

I'm just pretty sure he's too terrified to. On the meds he's been given.

 

He actually does stuff like this often. Big song and dance about reducing. Two days to two weeks later it's back to all the time.

 

He's definitely not smoked pot often or much for ages. Eight months at least. Drinking was more socially appropriate and not a job risk.

 

I think he's definitely a potential alcoholic but it's in the early days. He can still function without and manages not to at his very security tight job since I told him he smelt so bad his boss would know he'd been drinking st lunch. Fear of losing his job is like the only thing he can set boundaries around. He was driving drunk until he got pulled over by the cops for something else. He never did it again after that.

 

So I think he can function without it for now, not if he kept on as he was, he just didn't want to. He uses it to manage anxiety and boredom and doing hard gym sessions just like he did pot.

 

I think he quits to reassure himself he's not dependant or when he's done something to me that he realises later is going to drive me further away. But he's actually got no insight into why he does it or capacity to cease on his own. Or he would have the first time it hurt me or resulted in him risking the relationship. Back when we were still happy.

 

I miss those times a lot.

 

It's not pot paranoia. It's something very different.

Edited April 16, 2017 by EmilyJane

[Pete2304]

Do you still truly love him?

[EmilyJane]

Do you still truly love him?

 

Me or Op?

 

 

Yes.

 

But it doesn't matter.

 

Now he's too ill to even function.

 

He is locked in his head.

 

He showed up at our house twice.

[knitwit]

Emily Jane and SaveYourHeart, I truly feel for you. I've been in your shoes.

 

When I was in love with an active addict, I went to Naranon and also had an online forum. Both were HUGELY helpful. I'm glad you found them and I hope they are helpful to you as well.

 

It was a terrible, excruciating time in my life. It was also a major turning point in my life. Every aspect of my life was affected and changed- professional, emotional, spiritual, family, fiscal, mental and physical health. My priorities were rearranged, and I went through a major emotional growth period.

 

I wish that chapter had a happier ending; it was tragic for my ex, who died, and his family, who loved him to the ends of the earth. I was heartbroken, but my pain was nothing like theirs. Even still, I will never forget what I learned, as those experiences were dear in every meaning of that word.

 

I'll throw this out there. One thing I learned was that it was pointless for me to try to figure out my ex's problems, issues, diagnoses, etc. A wise person once said, "When you are trying to control something, that's your indication that the Something is actually controlling you."

 

So all that "I'll only drink on Weekends" or "I can control it, I can moderate" is all nonsense. No one has to control their orange juice intake, right? If someone said "I'm fine, I drink OJ on Fri and Sat only, I have it totally under control", you'd raise an eyebrow wondering WTF.

 

So as soon as my ex would start on his plan to "use responsibly" or like a "normal person", that gig was up. After many debates, I finally gave up trying to get him to see his issue, or admit his problem, or even get him to admit that he was using.

 

There was a flip side as well, which is that ultimately, I was trying to control him. He was the Something that I was trying to control, the Something that therefore had control of me. It wasn't intentional on his part, but it's how we got enmeshed and why it was so insanely difficult for me to be able to walk away, even though I saw I was going down with him.

 

Even if he refused to own his problem, his using was a problem for ME. I credit Naranon and addiction education for helping me see this. If I hadn't had that education, I would not have been able to leave. I did love him to the moon and back, when he was sober. But I could not rely on him to remain sober.

 

I was in my early 30s when I went through the experience with my ex. It was the first time I truly began to understand personal responsibility, and at the same time, the effect we each have on others, especially on the people who love us. Up until then, I thought Personal Responsibility meant that you held a job and paid your taxes and didn't accept handouts. I didn't realize that it also meant protecting your boundaries and protecting yourself, your well-being, and really your overall life. I hadn't considered how much of my life was the result of my own choices; I'd felt that things just happened. I didn't know then that we choose our own reactions, our own environments, that we could find peace despite what others were doing.

 

I made the decision to leave, and because of that decision, I got to have a whole different life. I have peace and stability and a family. I know people in Naranon who chose to stay and they, too, ended up with peace and stability and a family (their loved ones/addicts were able to get and stay clean.) I know others who didn't leave, and they lived on the edge for a long time. You never know what will happen.

 

But I knew that I could control my own life, if I left. My guy got clean when I was there, and relapsed when I was there. He didn't use, and he did use, regardless of whether I was his SO. He might not have seen it that way, but an objective look showed it to be true. He was going to do what he wanted, with or without me. This freed me from the guilt of him not being able to stay clean if I left. His decision to stay clean had nothing to do with me. He had shown me this.

 

I wish you luck, whatever you decide to do, both to you and your loved ones. I hope your guys are able to see the light, get help, and get and stay sober.

[SaveYourHeart]

Thank you for sharing your story with us, I'm sorry you had to go through so much pain, but I am so happy you were able to find peace <3

[SaveYourHeart]

So this is a really strange update for me because for the first time in a long time, I feel good about our relationship. My husband quit drinking two weeks ago. He's not going to AA or anything like that, but he seems to really want to stick to it. At first we were resentful of each other because, even in sobriety, we had pushed each other so far away that being unhappy with each other is all we were familiar with. But something clicked and all of a sudden we're loving each other the way we used to. He's smiling at me, showing affection and I'm doing my best to return that affection. For the first time in a long time, I see my husband again, I see a future with him. I have hope again.

[SaveYourHeart]

Never mind. He's drinking again

[1fish2fish]

Never mind. He's drinking again

 

 

I'm so sorry, SYH. Please take care of yourself and protect yourself.

 

(((hugs)))

[Frostedflake]

Never mind. He's drinking again

 

Very few will be able to do this without a program. The program is for accountability more than anything. And community/'relation' for another.

I'm sorry for your situation! My ex was an alcoholic but could never get past the denial stage. Hope you can get through to him.