My totally messed up story

[CrazyCoach]

[uPDATE: I wrote the below narrative 2 months ago. I am now at 3.5 months since d-day and have maintained NC for over 3 months.]

 

My story is a long one. I recently experienced a sudden end of a 3 month affair with my OW / MW 7 weeks ago. It has been a grueling 7 weeks but I am recovering, Each week is better than the week before. I am following a quasi-therapeutic plan for recovery - journaling, countering bad thoughts, and working with a coach who specializes in this kind of stuff.

 

This all started a little over 2 years ago. I started a baseball team for my son and she and her husband brought their son for a tryout. He was good enough and made the team. She caught my eye as cute but there are a lot of cute women out there. Her husband was overweight and was a PDA type and was always hugging and massaging her on the sidelines rather than helping with practice like most dads do. So I figured they were happy as can be - good for them I thought. It wasn't love at first sight or anything.

 

I started noticing her more about a year later when I’d see her at practices (lately I've been wondering if she had some plastic surgery during that time because she grew more attractive - maybe it was just in my mind). She was a cute blond with perfect little southern drawl. I was a relocated yankee. She fit the description of a southern belle. I found myself thinking about her often during masturbation and sex with my wife. That was nothing too unusual for me as I did that with most attractive women in my life. The only difference was that I truly thought if there was one woman out there I’d like to be with, it was her. Well I guess my thoughts evolved into this. I think part of it was that I thought she was attainable because her husband was so overweight and unattractive compared to her. At that point, I really did not think she even looked at me twice. Later on she told me the same - that she didn’t think I was interested in her.

 

Regardless, I never did anything to try to build any kind of special relationship with her. But earlier in 2016, the flirting started. At first it was silly emojis in text and our team group text. BTW - she was the "team mom." But from there it grew. She started texting me privately. I still have some of those texts. On April 28, 2016 while I was on a business trip, she texted me “tips” for how I should surprise my wife with sex when I got home.

 

I enjoyed this flirting. Remember I said I was super attracted to her. We went back and forth for a while and I thought it was “innocent enough,” meaning I did not think it would escalate beyond text flirting - because I thought she was happily married. Then on Memorial Day week, she and her family were at the beach on vacation and she texted me a picture of her bare legs on the beach. I texted back that I liked her legs and wanted to see more. She then sent me a picture of her bare torso from the shower. I could see she had the body of a 40-something who bore 2 children but it did not bother me - I knew she was asking “do you like what you see?” I let her know I thought she had a beautiful body. Our texting took off from there and we were texting and sexting leading up to our first kiss on June 11, 2016.

 

On June 11 we were traveling as a team for a tournament when she snuck into my hotel room. We kissed and she performed oral sex on me. We were so nervous it lasted less than a minute but we both knew it wouldn’t be the last time. We met a week later in my RV at a Walmart parking lot and had sex like crazy people. Right after that day, she said it feels like there is more than just sex. I knew she meant love. I tried to insist over time that we could have the best of both worlds - our “perfect little lives” and sex on the side or “friends with benefits.” I should have known that wouldn’t last. I told her I loved her and she said she loved me. Things immediately took off.

 

We met like this several more times before we started getting hotel rooms together. I had hotel points so it never cost us money. I wrote her these long stories that I would text her that described our longing for each other and in-depth sexual experiences we would share. She would give me a hint of a fantasy and I would take off with it. She told me she liked a man to take control and this led us down the path of a Dom-Sub BDSM relationship.

 

I had never explored BDSM before. I always thought it was at least strange if not totally perverse - but I realize I did not understand it. This woman was totally submissive. She wanted to be totally submissive in the bedroom. I have a pretty creative mind and I like to write - I wrote her stories all of the time to get my juices flowing - plus I loved her reactions. She would send me pictures of herself nude and I would do the same for her. I’d send her videos of me masturbating and she’d do the same. All of this happened over Snapchat so they were messages that would disappear after a few seconds. Anyway, I wrote a story about her wearing a dog collar and we decided that we would try it. I got a dog collar and the trust I felt leading her around in the hotel room, naked and blindfolded, was awesome. It was the most trust I’ve ever felt from another person. She then wanted me to whip her bottom using a riding crop. This was a new, heightened level of sex I had never even fantasized about but I became totally obsessed with this woman.

 

It was, without exception, the hottest sex of my life. We went to places I never dreamed of going. The BDSM and other kink started before I rented a shared office space from her husband. That started about a month before our d-day. We were having sex 4-5 times per week before d-day. I was taking Ciallis to maintain multi-hour erections (sometimes 3 hours+). She had an amazing sex drive and mine seemed to be ramping back up to my teenage years (I am 42, she was 43).

 

But all good things come to an end…

 

On d-day, her husband hid a GPS-enabled phone in her jeep. He was suspicious because of some Snapchats he saw on her phone (didn’t suspect me though - he thought it was his brother) and because of her suspicious behavior. Anyway, we were in her jeep making-out when he pulled up like a bat out of hell. I wanted to die right there on the spot and he wanted to help with that.

 

Anyway, I knew it was done at that moment. She always told me she would beg him for forgiveness if we were caught and I knew he’d take her back since she was so gorgeous and he was well… I always thought he looked a bit like Shrek… And that is exactly what happened. My wife took me back too. I had a really few rough weeks right after and she and I kept chatting for about 10 days before I blew up at her - see we were keeping up a lie that we were only kissing and hadn't had sex. But she told him that we had sex in my RV and the hotel (she left out the BDSM part at this point) and he called my wife to let her know everything he had learned. He then texted me and said he knew everything (he didn’t of course). I tried sending her a secret password-protected message which she apparently opened and sent to him (we had a shared password only she knew). He texted me saying “don’t contact my wife anymore. That was Sept 28 - just over a month ago.

 

Her husband called me on Oct 13 and told me he forgave me (one month from d-day). I forgot to mention that she ran and hid behind the church right after this and got baptized about 2 weeks after d-day - so that became her new persona, the sinner who threw herself at the feet of Jesus and begged for forgiveness - I am all for religion but when people use it like she did, it is just hypocritical. I was not too surprised I guess. She grew up in this small southern town. Everyone in her life lives here. It was probably a smart move on her part.

 

Anyway, he called me and wanted information. He asked me when it started, how many times, what locations, etc. I told him I did not keep a diary of those details but yes it happened in the office and we had sex ~30 times (a lot in 3 months). I answered everything honestly but didn’t tell him much more - I didn’t reveal the dirty details such as having anal sex and even more “dirty” things. He told me he suspected his brother and I did say “keep your eye on that” - she always talked about his brother and I knew she wanted to have sex with him. He also said, “she told me you bought her a dog collar” but she never wore it… did she?” I told him she did. I looked at it this way - she knew he called my wife before and she was still giving him information without regard for whether he would call my wife. I decided a few weeks prior to tell my wife all of these details.

 

I know she (the AP) probably looks at this now and thinks I betrayed her. I did. But she betrayed me first - by telling him these details without regard for me and by handing over that password protected message (she could have said she didn’t know the password). She also knows I did not betray her as much as I could have. I have pictures of her nude, with a vibrator in her mouth, and of Snapchats she sent me - one in which she says “I love you more than any man I’ve ever loved.” I decided not to reveal the depths of the emotional betrayal to her husband. She told him that I was ready to leave my wife - which is true - so I owed her no courtesy but I also like her knowing that I have more ammo if she decides to escalate.

 

I forgot to mention… her husband said “how could you do this to me?” We were friends I guess. I justified things in my mind by saying “I am not his friend” but we did things that friends normally do like talk about our weekend plans, etc. We also did things as a baseball team and we both liked camping so we’d often camp or go boating together. I guess we were friends. I apologized twice but then I also said… “listen man, yeah I betrayed you but it was your wife who really betrayed you. And the person I betrayed was MY wife. So I am sorry but please direct your anger at your wife.” I know he is struggling with that because he cannot be without her. He is too insecure and he would never find a woman who looks as good as her. I sure seem hung up on looks don’t I? Yeah, that is a major insecurity for me and I know it is a big reason why I got myself into this mess.

 

Believe it or not - there is much more but I can’t write much more - I’m getting totally worn out. I’ve been on “No Contact” with her since 9/28 when I sent that note. She blocked me on Facebook the day after Oct 13 when her husband called me to forgive me - I guess she felt betrayed which is exactly how I felt). I have not looked at her stuff on FB since Oct 14 - a whole 17 days ago. She started no contact before me. I was going to her facebook using a fake account for a while but she started posting all of this crap like memes that said “Not today Satan.” and I just couldn’t stand how it made me feel. I last looked at her stuff on 10/14/2016.

 

I am working with a life coach and he is advising me on how to heal myself. Look up “Mouth of the Ape” on YouTube if you are interested. Most of the best healing stuff is focused on break-up. I think when you have an affair and a d-day ending it feels like a break-up. No Contact (NC) and No Information (NI) is a must. I still think about her all of the time. It was a total love addiction. But I am getting better by the week. I am journaling and rebuilding from within. I am dealing with my anger and I hope to transition to forgiveness at some point. What do I have to forgive? Probably not as much as I need to be forgiven for but I am angry over how quickly she turned on me after d-day. She made a quick break for the exit while I was still trying to figure out what we had left. I realized before long - we had nothing left.

 

We still live in the same town - our kids both play baseball and are the same age. We won’t be able to move at least for a few years. It is a tough situation but everyone is moving on with their lives. I’m sure we will see each other in public. I assume everyone involved will look the other way. That is my plan. I am not going to live under a rock.

 

Why did I cheat on my wife? You’re probably wondering that. Believe it or not, I hadn’t sought it out. But as you can see I jumped at the chance. I was so excited that this beauty queen found me attractive. I really thought it wouldn’t go anywhere until it did. And after it did, I thought I could keep emotions out. I did feel very guilty at first but as time went on, I actually felt less guilty. She used to tell me that my wife didn’t deserve me. I ultimately decided that the OW was the woman I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. 7 weeks after d-day, I wish I saw things more clearly. There was no real future for us. The only thing we had was the affair - a secret relationship built on lust, wild sex, and entry-level love.

 

My wife is working through this and has been really mature. We have not been intimate since this happened. I am not sure how long that will take. She doesn’t trust me and I don’t blame her. I am just making sure I don’t make any decisions while I am still in this state of mind.

 

There is a tendency to try to rebuild by growing roots back into you SO - but my coach says you need to grow your roots into the ground (self) and I am embracing that.

 

Best of luck. I am writing this because I had not seen anyone write about something very similar. I hope this can help somebody.

 

[uPDATE: As I mentioned, I am now at 3.5 months. I did not edit this story much because I figure it might help someone out there going through something similar. I am so much more healed and things are much better with my wife now. No Contact and No Information + time is the best way to heal quickly.

 

Another thing - the AP's husband emailed me about a month ago stating he learned all of these new details like his wife wanted to end things and I tried to convince her to leave him. Those are both untrue. In fact, I had a Snapchat screenshot of a message she sent me about how she felt when I tried to end it one time. I could have sent him those Snapchats and a narrative about all of the betrayals emotional and sexual that she did on him but I didn't. I actually decided to not reply. I blocked his and her phone numbers and email addresses. I have not heard from them since but have seen them from a distance in public. I want to move on. I am not fully healed and I know my wife isn't either. I am very lucky she took me back. She is an awesome person and I have so much regret for betraying her. But alas, we cannot undo the past, we can only make the present and future better. I struggle with wanting to reply to that email still - 6 weeks later. I want to tell him that she is trying to create a narrative where this big-bad wolf preyed on her innocence but as these Snapchats prove - that just isn't the case. But to what end? To try to end their marriage? I am taking the higher road. Everyone has suffered plenty.]

 

Please leave me any comments and I will try to respond. Thanks

[Lady2163]

It sounds like your are moving on a progressing.

 

I think you have done all you can for her husband. You shouldn't have to continue being the voice of honesty when she lies to protect her fake life. She is rewriting history and doing whatever it takes to keep Shrek in her life.

 

From your story, it sounds like the best thing you can do is continue to be honest with your wife. It may be years before you can move, but this can be a good project for the two of you to work on together. Where do you want to go? Can you visit there? Are the house projects that need to be done? Is there anything you can do to leave sooner?

 

Good,luck.

[CrazyCoach]

om your story, it sounds like the best thing you can do is continue to be honest with your wife. It may be years before you can move, but this can be a good project for the two of you to work on together. Where do you want to go? Can you visit there? Are the house projects that need to be done? Is there anything you can do to leave sooner?

 

Thanks Lady. We are not sure where yet but you're right that this is something we can figure out together. We are already talking about it. My wife's current business is location-specific but she intends to move her focus to an online model.

 

I honestly feel like pain is a great teacher. We all hate pain but I've never had a better teacher. This current pain is forcing me to take stock in what went wrong. I am learning new techniques for life that will propel me into the next level of growth.

 

I told my coach about seeing the AP and her husband last night. My wife was with me and she saw me staring at them. It was dark, they were across the parking lot, and in a vehicle I didn't recognize - to be perfectly honest, I'm still not sure it was them. I was staring because I wasn't sure if it was them. My wife (she saw them too) was upset with me but got over it quickly (amazing woman I tell you) but I carried it overnight and woke up very angry. I was back to thinking about revenge. And it is probably what prompted me to post my story today.

 

Anyway, my coach told me to focus on myself. These types of situations will happen again. This little prick of pain though can hopefully stimulate more growth and next time, I know to focus my attention on myself and what I am doing.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'll be honest, I didn't read love in your post. I am no prude but I don't associate S&M with love; it sounded more like you had the wildest sex adventure of your life. Women fall in love from sex, not really men, but maybe you didn't write about that part of the relationship. But I didn't get sense of love or why you wanted to leave your wife to be with this woman.

 

I'm guessing your coach suggested this to you - obviously you had a huge mid life crisis. Many of us do, myself included. You can come back from it but it take a long time. I'm a year now since it ended, it takes time.

 

Have you and your wife discussed this sexual part of you? Is she open to it?

 

As for the OW, my xmm also gave his password to his wife and let her read my emails, so I know your feeling of betrayal indeed.

 

I'm surprised the BS forgave you though. My H would push xmm off a cliff if he had the chance and no one was looking.

[CrazyCoach]

I'll be honest, I didn't read love in your post. I am no prude but I don't associate S&M with love; it sounded more like you had the wildest sex adventure of your life. Women fall in love from sex, not really men, but maybe you didn't write about that part of the relationship. But I didn't get sense of love or why you wanted to leave your wife to be with this woman.

 

I'm surprised the BS forgave you though. My H would push xmm off a cliff if he had the chance and no one was looking.

 

Hi Midnight,

 

I forgot to mention that in the email he sent me on 11/29, he rescinded the apology. Which was fine, I knew he never really forgave me - he was doing this as part of some church plan to recover from this sort of thing. Believe me, he'd love to kill me but he has too much to lose.

 

Yes, there were a ton of details I neglected. She and I saw each other almost every day. We were together for 3 months. I didn't fall in love just because of the sex (at least I don't think), I fell in love with her. However, the S&M was different. As I said, it was something she wanted and needed. I don't know what happened in her life to make her need that but it created for me this sense of devotion like I'd never felt before. She would go as far as to lick my feet (and other parts as you can imagine) which was something she told me was totally off limits with her husband.

 

She was doing all sorts of manipulative stuff to make me fall in love and worship her. I see it now but it seemed authentic at the time. I think she just wanted me to be a love struck maniac - and that was exactly what I was.

 

You know, I'd love to hear her perspective but I will never break NC.

[Southern Sun]

Your post made me hurt. It just illustrates all of the pain that lurks in an affair. It seems all sunshine and roses for the two involved in the beginning, but when it all comes crashing down, I don't think anyone comes out unscathed.

 

When my D-Day occurred, I basically had no choice but to confess. I guess some would disagree. My BH did not have concrete evidence of my affair. But when he directly confronted me, I just couldn't lie to him. I didn't have it in me.

 

My xMM was different. He indeed could and did lie, even in the face of smoking evidence. Unless he was directly caught, he stood by the lie.

 

I wonder if it made him feel betrayed? Not too much I guess, because we continued our affair after D-Day.

 

But my husband was in horrible pain. I was still trying to hang on to my relationship with MM and MM was still trying to hang onto me, although he played terrible hot and cold games with me. Then HE was caught. Now it's all over, where I've had to completely shut him out, essentially against his will. I have literally hurt everyone. And I had to choose. But he hurt me too, very much...throughout a good amount of the relationship. How can I complain? It was an affair.

 

I can't figure your story out. Your MW seems a bit colder. Although your R was much shorter than mine. I never turned on xMM. Although I've chosen my M and been honest with my BH and am in total NC for a long time now, I still never wanted to hurt MM...to lay him open for hurt or cause him trouble. Far from it. This has been very difficult.

 

It's amazing what do to our own selves.

[CrazyCoach]

I can't figure your story out. Your MW seems a bit colder. Although your R was much shorter than mine. I never turned on xMM. Although I've chosen my M and been honest with my BH and am in total NC for a long time now, I still never wanted to hurt MM...to lay him open for hurt or cause him trouble. Far from it.

 

Sun - I'm sorry to hear your painful story too.

 

I guess ultimately my MW / AP had to turn on me or her H. She decided to turn on me. Within 10 minutes of catching us together, he called her parents. Her mother called her and left her a VM about how stupid she was. This all happened in the moments after he caught us and we were trying to figure out what this would mean for our lives. Her parents loved him. He was a great provider and Dad. She just wasn't that attracted to him any more. She wanted a hottie. The funny thing is that in her younger pictures she wasn't that hot but now she is.

 

It wasn't long before my wife was calling me. The AP and I were in touch for the week following but I knew she had been checked into Baptist Church brainwashing 101. She started on how she was not sure if we were ever in love - this was 4 days after. I knew she was lost to me.

 

There are moments every day where I want to crush her and her husband. I want to send him the text she sent saying she loved me more than him. I want to send him the pictures so he knows he better never **** with me. But I've decided I am NC with him too. And besides, things have been pretty quiet for the past 6 weeks.

 

Yeah she was cold to me after it all came crashing down but I never loved her more than I did in the hour before we were caught.

 

The pain is wearing off and I am grateful to still have my life intact.

[Southern Sun]

Sun - I'm sorry to hear your painful story too.

 

I guess ultimately my MW / AP had to turn on me or her H. She decided to turn on me. Within 10 minutes of catching us together, he called her parents. Her mother called her and left her a VM about how stupid she was. This all happened in the moments after he caught us and we were trying to figure out what this would mean for our lives. Her parents loved him. He was a great provider and Dad. She just wasn't that attracted to him any more. She wanted a hottie. The funny thing is that in her younger pictures she wasn't that hot but now she is.

 

It wasn't long before my wife was calling me. The AP and I were in touch for the week following but I knew she had been checked into Baptist Church brainwashing 101. She started on how she was not sure if we were ever in love - this was 4 days after. I knew she was lost to me.

 

There are moments every day where I want to crush her and her husband. I want to send him the text she sent saying she loved me more than him. I want to send him the pictures so he knows he better never **** with me. But I've decided I am NC with him too. And besides, things have been pretty quiet for the past 6 weeks.

 

Yeah she was cold to me after it all came crashing down but I never loved her more than I did in the hour before we were caught.

 

The pain is wearing off and I am grateful to still have my life intact.

 

I have to say, I think you dodged a bullet with this one.

 

Some things you mentioned about her didn't ring true as "love" to me...beyond the obvious.

 

You said she spoke about how your wife didn't deserve you. I could never have said that to my xMM. Who am I to speak poorly of his BW? Yes, I know I was hurting her with the betrayal, so it's ironic to say, but I would never speak a hurtful word about her, or ever try to tell MM anything about her whatsoever. That wasn't my place. IDK, there's just no humility in a statement like that, but I guess that's not usually what affairs are made of.

 

Shoot, after my D-Day, my H went straight to my entire family, church involved, all that. I guess it's not out of the norm.

 

It just sounds like she was in it with you for a certain kind of experience, and once that bubble got burst, she was ready to bail. I'm sorry about that. What is that saying about there being no honor amongst thieves?

 

I wish you the best with your recovery.

[CrazyCoach]

Some things you mentioned about her didn't ring true as "love" to me...beyond the obvious.

 

Yeah - I can't argue with anything you're saying. For the record, here is a verbatim transcript of the Snapchats I have screenshots for:

 

Here is the Snapchat she sent me the day after I tried to end the affair. I was trying to end it because I felt like she was always feeling guilty and I did not want that burden for her... I couldn't do it though because she was absolutely sobbing - I didn't want to end it anyway, I was doing it more to serve her... anyway, I obviously didn't go through with ending it:

 

Baby.....

I love you more than I have loved any man in my entire life....

This morning when you said goodbye & got out of the jeep I felt like someone had stuck a knife right into my heart. I have never felt that kind of pain. I felt like I couldn't breathe and wasn't sure I even wanted to.

You are the most amazing man I have ever been with, ever known, ever loved

The way you love me, treat me, look at me....

The way you make sweet gentle love to me...

The way you spank me hard when I need it, **** me hard when I need it...

You have this way of anticipating my needs before I even know what they are....

I love you for all those reasons......

I love your amazing sexy rock hard body and how you take care of it...

I love your huge perfect cock.....

 

Here was another Snapchat I saved because it was (at the time) very special to me:

 

Awe baby.

I love you so much

It is so crazy how I can feel the depth of your feelings for me just through your words.

And then when you look at me, Just the look in your eyes. It's unmistakable the love and desire (heart emoji)

I could've never imagined falling in love with Coach <my name>, having the hottest sex of my life with him, feeling like a part of me is missing when I am not with him. I would've never dreamed when I met you that you would be that loving man with a strong hand to give me what I need, what I desire, what I've been missing for so long!

You're the man I've dreamed about, read about in books, I never thought a man like you was real. And now, you're mine.

There are so many women out there that would love to be with a man like you. To even have sex with you one time. I'm the lucky woman that you fell in love with

Wow

When I think about our flirting & our relationship in the beginning, I honestly thought it was just something fun and exciting.... I figured once the newness and excitement wore off, we'd go back to normal with maybe a little awkwardness. I never dreamed we would or could fall so deeply in love with each other, so connected.

A connection like ours is rare & most people spend their whole lives searching for that & never find it. You can't fake or pretend to have the kind of chemistry, the kind of bond that we have.

You are so special to me baby.

 

 

I don't know - do you think we were in love now? I am sure I sounded similar in many of the messages I sent her. I was totally head over heels in love and when it ended, I thought we'd be together. But she chose her safety blanket over what we had. I was heartbroken - in a way, I still am - but I am so much better now than I was.

 

I have not sent the screenshots of these chats to her husband. I am pretty sure she knows I have them but who knows. I promised her I'd take our secrets to the grave but I assumed she would return the favor. She spilled the beans on so much of it and left me out to dry. But... I continue my NC vigil.

[DKT3]

Very few women will openly admit it but I believe many have desires of " a different kind of sexlife" then what they have with thier husbands. I believe they would feel shame and judged if they let the husband know they are into these kinds of thing.

 

But here is a hint that you were never more then a sex toy for her....If he finds out, I will beg him to take me back and he will. You had a role, it had an expiration date right from the start.

[CrazyCoach]

But here is a hint that you were never more then a sex toy for her....If he finds out, I will beg him to take me back and he will. You had a role, it had an expiration date right from the start.

 

Yeah I knew we would get caught. I'd ask her about it all of the time - what will you do if we are caught (I knew it was "when" not "if").

 

She would usually say she didn't want to think about it. I have to be honest, I wasn't sure she would beg him to take her back and I wasn't sure he would. I figured the later would depend on what he knew and how he caught us. Considering the amount he found out, I don't know how he could stay with her. But she probably has him convinced that she didn't love me. But still, how many men would stay with a woman who made frequent visits to hotels to allow another man to put her in cuffs and a dog collar?

 

I also thought if our affair kept going a few more months it would have either died of natural causes or we would have decided we needed to be together. If we didn't get there, I probably would have ended it eventually.

 

Her husband knew something was up though - you're right DT this thing had an expiration date.

 

I look at it now and I am glad it ended. I wish it ended differently but it wasn't real. I thought it was which is why it was so damn painful but it was a total fraud.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I certainly know what it is like to feel all those feelings Coach, so while your story is a bit different in the details, I understand how you feel now. You don't see women here much calling the shots, except actually in Out's situation. Have you seen his posts? It is similar only that his was 7 years. I guess every now and then a woman can be as bad as a man.

 

While this won't necessarily help you with your attachment to her (since it is chemical, like a drug and must just fade on its own), my H said that a big part of it for me was my massive ago. No one likes to be duped and dumped. You probably thought you were in control, like you said, you would have ended it eventually if it didn't work out. Instead she was controlling it all.

 

I relate to this. There is no magic pill to make you feel better but I can tell you the attachment does fade. Eventually you just forget what the other person was like physically, the desires and longing, the missing, the pain...it goes away. What does stay though (as long as you let it) is the thoughts and dwelling on the past. Again, a lot is ego.

 

You did not mention if your wife and you were back having sex. By the way, as an observer, you were fine writing about dog collars, anal sex, etc but you used the word "relations" to describe your sex life with your wife. What really helps a married couple recover is to take away anything special the affair couple had and make it their own. I don't want to make this about me, so I'll make something up. If a person had this fantasy of outdoor sex and fulfilled it with the AP, it's important to tell the spouse, hey this is what I want to do, and perhaps make it about the married couple, thereby killing the specialness of the A couple. Now granted, I would not want to wear a dog collar but if my husband wanted to wear it and have me whip him, I would do it.

 

It's sounds like I am being funny but I'm really not. Be careful not to let your pain over your AP destroy your chance of reconciliation with your wife.

[elaine567]

What really helps a married couple recover is to take away anything special the affair couple had and make it their own. I don't want to make this about me, so I'll make something up. If a person had this fantasy of outdoor sex and fulfilled it with the AP, it's important to tell the spouse, hey this is what I want to do, and perhaps make it about the married couple, thereby killing the specialness of the A couple. Now granted, I would not want to wear a dog collar but if my husband wanted to wear it and have me whip him, I would do it.

 

I see what you are saying but would you do it (whatever it was ) knowing it was "special" to the A and that you would then be compared perhaps unfavourably to the OW.

[RecentChange]

If you care about your wife at all, if you actually want to reconcile, delete those transcripts. Delete every last photo, exchange, interaction and memory of this woman you betrayed her with.

 

I say this as someone who has been cheated on, and more importantly as a cheater myself in reconciliation.

 

And yes mine included an introduction to bdsm and all the fun that entails - but we were at least wise enough to keep our emotions out of it. I am so grateful that I can truthfully tell my husband that the OM didn't mean anything, and I most certainly did not love him. It was sex and nothing more.

 

You on the other hand have an even bigger mess to fix.

 

To know you have these notes to pine over is twisting the knife in your wife's chest. In your account I saw very little mention of her (your wife) or your feelings about her.

 

Are you committed to reconciliation? To devoting not only on your recovery, but hers even more? After all you blew up her world - personally I would be more concerned about her needs at the moment than your own.

 

I just shy of a year post D Day. I have put in a lot of hard work, and so has my husband. Today we have something better than we had before the affair, perhaps the best thing ever (including wild lustful sex, better than what I shared with the OM).

 

But it's a daily thing. Every single day for the last 12 months, and I am sure many more.

 

Are you going to be there to tow this line for your wife? If not set her free and don't waste her time.

[Starswillshine]

Those screenshots of snapchats.... it doesn't seem like love to me at all. It is all about the sex. You fulfilled a dirty side of her. My H did the same with his OW. And there is a "freaky" side of me that I haven't been able to open up to my H either. I just haven't been comfortable. Even after 18 years, I am worried I will push his boundaries and it was the same for him (classic madonna/whore thing).

 

But it seems you are at least on the right path.

[whichwayisup]

Those screenshots of snapchats.... it doesn't seem like love to me at all. It is all about the sex. You fulfilled a dirty side of her. My H did the same with his OW. And there is a "freaky" side of me that I haven't been able to open up to my H either. I just haven't been comfortable. Even after 18 years, I am worried I will push his boundaries and it was the same for him (classic madonna/whore thing).

 

But it seems you are at least on the right path.

 

I agree. That's not love, it was living out a fantasy and lustful moments.

 

DELETE the snaps, all that does is feed your ego and prevent you from opening yourself up to your wife. Remember her?

[MidnightBlue1980]

I see what you are saying but would you do it (whatever it was ) knowing it was "special" to the A and that you would then be compared perhaps unfavourably to the OW.

 

Obviously it depends on what it was of course. Why do you think the wife/husband would be the unfavorable one? Typically the affair was all about the needs which did not get met in the marriage and usually all the man or woman wanted all along was their spouse. Obviously outliers here.

 

I don't want to thread jump to my own life.

[anika99]

There are moments every day where I want to crush her and her husband. I want to send him the text she sent saying she loved me more than him. I want to send him the pictures so he knows he better never **** with me. But I've decided I am NC with him too. And besides, things have been pretty quiet for the past 6 weeks.

 

This is very disturbing and indicates that you have a long way to go to becoming a better man. Why do want to crush her and her husband? What did her husband ever do to you? You're the one who intruded on his life. He didn't screw your wife and blow up your world. He didn't pretend to be your friend while secretly boinking your wife on the sly.

 

He sounds like he was just a decent guy who loved his wife and thought he was happily married. You seem to believe that you are a better man than him simply because you are better looking than him. You call him shrek. Have you seen the shrek movies. Shrek was the good guy. The handsome prince was a slimy jerk. Maybe you want to crush him because of your own insecurities, because you suspect he is the better man and that's why his wife stayed. Be real. Why would a woman leave a faithful partner and good father to her children to go live out her sex fantasies with another lying cheater. Only an insane woman would be that self absorbed and selfish. What? We're her kids supposed to be happy to have their home broken because mommy's getting laid the way she needs. You want to crush her husband? You already have so give yourself a pat on the back.

 

You judge your ex ow for not being truthful with her husband but how truthful are you being with your wife. Does she know that you post on message boards reliving the details of your affair. That you thought you loved the OW and wanted to leave your wife? Does she know that you have saved your conversations with the OW and that you use them to relive the affair? Does she know that you hate the OW and her BS because she chose him and her marriage. I think you are in false reconciliation and your wife doesn't know the half of it, so why judge the OW for doing the same?

[anika99]

Yeah - I can't argue with anything you're saying. For the record, here is a verbatim transcript of the Snapchats I have screenshots for:

 

Here is the Snapchat she sent me the day after I tried to end the affair. I was trying to end it because I felt like she was always feeling guilty and I did not want that burden for her... I couldn't do it though because she was absolutely sobbing - I didn't want to end it anyway, I was doing it more to serve her... anyway, I obviously didn't go through with ending it:

 

Baby.....

I love you more than I have loved any man in my entire life....

This morning when you said goodbye & got out of the jeep I felt like someone had stuck a knife right into my heart. I have never felt that kind of pain. I felt like I couldn't breathe and wasn't sure I even wanted to.

You are the most amazing man I have ever been with, ever known, ever loved

The way you love me, treat me, look at me....

The way you make sweet gentle love to me...

The way you spank me hard when I need it, **** me hard when I need it...

You have this way of anticipating my needs before I even know what they are....

I love you for all those reasons......

I love your amazing sexy rock hard body and how you take care of it...

I love your huge perfect cock.....

 

Here was another Snapchat I saved because it was (at the time) very special to me:

 

Awe baby.

I love you so much

It is so crazy how I can feel the depth of your feelings for me just through your words.

And then when you look at me, Just the look in your eyes. It's unmistakable the love and desire (heart emoji)

I could've never imagined falling in love with Coach <my name>, having the hottest sex of my life with him, feeling like a part of me is missing when I am not with him. I would've never dreamed when I met you that you would be that loving man with a strong hand to give me what I need, what I desire, what I've been missing for so long!

You're the man I've dreamed about, read about in books, I never thought a man like you was real. And now, you're mine.

There are so many women out there that would love to be with a man like you. To even have sex with you one time. I'm the lucky woman that you fell in love with

Wow

When I think about our flirting & our relationship in the beginning, I honestly thought it was just something fun and exciting.... I figured once the newness and excitement wore off, we'd go back to normal with maybe a little awkwardness. I never dreamed we would or could fall so deeply in love with each other, so connected.

A connection like ours is rare & most people spend their whole lives searching for that & never find it. You can't fake or pretend to have the kind of chemistry, the kind of bond that we have.

You are so special to me baby.

 

 

I don't know - do you think we were in love now? I am sure I sounded similar in many of the messages I sent her. I was totally head over heels in love and when it ended, I thought we'd be together. But she chose her safety blanket over what we had. I was heartbroken - in a way, I still am - but I am so much better now than I was.

 

I have not sent the screenshots of these chats to her husband. I am pretty sure she knows I have them but who knows. I promised her I'd take our secrets to the grave but I assumed she would return the favor. She spilled the beans on so much of it and left me out to dry. But... I continue my NC vigil.

 

That's obsession, not love.

[123sadgirl]

Wow CrazyCoach..thank you for sharing your story. It been a journey, and I don't know how you will go from this level of intensity sex to normal life sex. It will be a long road to recovery. For what it worth, I 'm sure she thinks of you and misses the high too. Take care x

 

 

[uPDATE: I wrote the below narrative 2 months ago. I am now at 3.5 months since d-day and have maintained NC for over 3 months.]

 

 

My story is a long one. I recently experienced a sudden end of a 3 month affair with my OW / MW 7 weeks ago. It has been a grueling 7 weeks but I am recovering, Each week is better than the week before. I am following a quasi-therapeutic plan for recovery - journaling, countering bad thoughts, and working with a coach who specializes in this kind of stuff.

 

This all started a little over 2 years ago. I started a baseball team for my son and she and her husband brought their son for a tryout. He was good enough and made the team. She caught my eye as cute but there are a lot of cute women out there. Her husband was overweight and was a PDA type and was always hugging and massaging her on the sidelines rather than helping with practice like most dads do. So I figured they were happy as can be - good for them I thought. It wasn't love at first sight or anything.

 

I started noticing her more about a year later when I’d see her at practices (lately I've been wondering if she had some plastic surgery during that time because she grew more attractive - maybe it was just in my mind). She was a cute blond with perfect little southern drawl. I was a relocated yankee. She fit the description of a southern belle. I found myself thinking about her often during masturbation and sex with my wife. That was nothing too unusual for me as I did that with most attractive women in my life. The only difference was that I truly thought if there was one woman out there I’d like to be with, it was her. Well I guess my thoughts evolved into this. I think part of it was that I thought she was attainable because her husband was so overweight and unattractive compared to her. At that point, I really did not think she even looked at me twice. Later on she told me the same - that she didn’t think I was interested in her.

 

Regardless, I never did anything to try to build any kind of special relationship with her. But earlier in 2016, the flirting started. At first it was silly emojis in text and our team group text. BTW - she was the "team mom." But from there it grew. She started texting me privately. I still have some of those texts. On April 28, 2016 while I was on a business trip, she texted me “tips” for how I should surprise my wife with sex when I got home.

 

I enjoyed this flirting. Remember I said I was super attracted to her. We went back and forth for a while and I thought it was “innocent enough,” meaning I did not think it would escalate beyond text flirting - because I thought she was happily married. Then on Memorial Day week, she and her family were at the beach on vacation and she texted me a picture of her bare legs on the beach. I texted back that I liked her legs and wanted to see more. She then sent me a picture of her bare torso from the shower. I could see she had the body of a 40-something who bore 2 children but it did not bother me - I knew she was asking “do you like what you see?” I let her know I thought she had a beautiful body. Our texting took off from there and we were texting and sexting leading up to our first kiss on June 11, 2016.

 

On June 11 we were traveling as a team for a tournament when she snuck into my hotel room. We kissed and she performed oral sex on me. We were so nervous it lasted less than a minute but we both knew it wouldn’t be the last time. We met a week later in my RV at a Walmart parking lot and had sex like crazy people. Right after that day, she said it feels like there is more than just sex. I knew she meant love. I tried to insist over time that we could have the best of both worlds - our “perfect little lives” and sex on the side or “friends with benefits.” I should have known that wouldn’t last. I told her I loved her and she said she loved me. Things immediately took off.

 

We met like this several more times before we started getting hotel rooms together. I had hotel points so it never cost us money. I wrote her these long stories that I would text her that described our longing for each other and in-depth sexual experiences we would share. She would give me a hint of a fantasy and I would take off with it. She told me she liked a man to take control and this led us down the path of a Dom-Sub BDSM relationship.

 

I had never explored BDSM before. I always thought it was at least strange if not totally perverse - but I realize I did not understand it. This woman was totally submissive. She wanted to be totally submissive in the bedroom. I have a pretty creative mind and I like to write - I wrote her stories all of the time to get my juices flowing - plus I loved her reactions. She would send me pictures of herself nude and I would do the same for her. I’d send her videos of me masturbating and she’d do the same. All of this happened over Snapchat so they were messages that would disappear after a few seconds. Anyway, I wrote a story about her wearing a dog collar and we decided that we would try it. I got a dog collar and the trust I felt leading her around in the hotel room, naked and blindfolded, was awesome. It was the most trust I’ve ever felt from another person. She then wanted me to whip her bottom using a riding crop. This was a new, heightened level of sex I had never even fantasized about but I became totally obsessed with this woman.

 

It was, without exception, the hottest sex of my life. We went to places I never dreamed of going. The BDSM and other kink started before I rented a shared office space from her husband. That started about a month before our d-day. We were having sex 4-5 times per week before d-day. I was taking Ciallis to maintain multi-hour erections (sometimes 3 hours+). She had an amazing sex drive and mine seemed to be ramping back up to my teenage years (I am 42, she was 43).

 

But all good things come to an end…

 

On d-day, her husband hid a GPS-enabled phone in her jeep. He was suspicious because of some Snapchats he saw on her phone (didn’t suspect me though - he thought it was his brother) and because of her suspicious behavior. Anyway, we were in her jeep making-out when he pulled up like a bat out of hell. I wanted to die right there on the spot and he wanted to help with that.

 

Anyway, I knew it was done at that moment. She always told me she would beg him for forgiveness if we were caught and I knew he’d take her back since she was so gorgeous and he was well… I always thought he looked a bit like Shrek… And that is exactly what happened. My wife took me back too. I had a really few rough weeks right after and she and I kept chatting for about 10 days before I blew up at her - see we were keeping up a lie that we were only kissing and hadn't had sex. But she told him that we had sex in my RV and the hotel (she left out the BDSM part at this point) and he called my wife to let her know everything he had learned. He then texted me and said he knew everything (he didn’t of course). I tried sending her a secret password-protected message which she apparently opened and sent to him (we had a shared password only she knew). He texted me saying “don’t contact my wife anymore. That was Sept 28 - just over a month ago.

 

Her husband called me on Oct 13 and told me he forgave me (one month from d-day). I forgot to mention that she ran and hid behind the church right after this and got baptized about 2 weeks after d-day - so that became her new persona, the sinner who threw herself at the feet of Jesus and begged for forgiveness - I am all for religion but when people use it like she did, it is just hypocritical. I was not too surprised I guess. She grew up in this small southern town. Everyone in her life lives here. It was probably a smart move on her part.

 

Anyway, he called me and wanted information. He asked me when it started, how many times, what locations, etc. I told him I did not keep a diary of those details but yes it happened in the office and we had sex ~30 times (a lot in 3 months). I answered everything honestly but didn’t tell him much more - I didn’t reveal the dirty details such as having anal sex and even more “dirty” things. He told me he suspected his brother and I did say “keep your eye on that” - she always talked about his brother and I knew she wanted to have sex with him. He also said, “she told me you bought her a dog collar” but she never wore it… did she?” I told him she did. I looked at it this way - she knew he called my wife before and she was still giving him information without regard for whether he would call my wife. I decided a few weeks prior to tell my wife all of these details.

 

I know she (the AP) probably looks at this now and thinks I betrayed her. I did. But she betrayed me first - by telling him these details without regard for me and by handing over that password protected message (she could have said she didn’t know the password). She also knows I did not betray her as much as I could have. I have pictures of her nude, with a vibrator in her mouth, and of Snapchats she sent me - one in which she says “I love you more than any man I’ve ever loved.” I decided not to reveal the depths of the emotional betrayal to her husband. She told him that I was ready to leave my wife - which is true - so I owed her no courtesy but I also like her knowing that I have more ammo if she decides to escalate.

 

I forgot to mention… her husband said “how could you do this to me?” We were friends I guess. I justified things in my mind by saying “I am not his friend” but we did things that friends normally do like talk about our weekend plans, etc. We also did things as a baseball team and we both liked camping so we’d often camp or go boating together. I guess we were friends. I apologized twice but then I also said… “listen man, yeah I betrayed you but it was your wife who really betrayed you. And the person I betrayed was MY wife. So I am sorry but please direct your anger at your wife.” I know he is struggling with that because he cannot be without her. He is too insecure and he would never find a woman who looks as good as her. I sure seem hung up on looks don’t I? Yeah, that is a major insecurity for me and I know it is a big reason why I got myself into this mess.

 

Believe it or not - there is much more but I can’t write much more - I’m getting totally worn out. I’ve been on “No Contact” with her since 9/28 when I sent that note. She blocked me on Facebook the day after Oct 13 when her husband called me to forgive me - I guess she felt betrayed which is exactly how I felt). I have not looked at her stuff on FB since Oct 14 - a whole 17 days ago. She started no contact before me. I was going to her facebook using a fake account for a while but she started posting all of this crap like memes that said “Not today Satan.” and I just couldn’t stand how it made me feel. I last looked at her stuff on 10/14/2016.

 

I am working with a life coach and he is advising me on how to heal myself. Look up “Mouth of the Ape” on YouTube if you are interested. Most of the best healing stuff is focused on break-up. I think when you have an affair and a d-day ending it feels like a break-up. No Contact (NC) and No Information (NI) is a must. I still think about her all of the time. It was a total love addiction. But I am getting better by the week. I am journaling and rebuilding from within. I am dealing with my anger and I hope to transition to forgiveness at some point. What do I have to forgive? Probably not as much as I need to be forgiven for but I am angry over how quickly she turned on me after d-day. She made a quick break for the exit while I was still trying to figure out what we had left. I realized before long - we had nothing left.

 

We still live in the same town - our kids both play baseball and are the same age. We won’t be able to move at least for a few years. It is a tough situation but everyone is moving on with their lives. I’m sure we will see each other in public. I assume everyone involved will look the other way. That is my plan. I am not going to live under a rock.

 

Why did I cheat on my wife? You’re probably wondering that. Believe it or not, I hadn’t sought it out. But as you can see I jumped at the chance. I was so excited that this beauty queen found me attractive. I really thought it wouldn’t go anywhere until it did. And after it did, I thought I could keep emotions out. I did feel very guilty at first but as time went on, I actually felt less guilty. She used to tell me that my wife didn’t deserve me. I ultimately decided that the OW was the woman I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. 7 weeks after d-day, I wish I saw things more clearly. There was no real future for us. The only thing we had was the affair - a secret relationship built on lust, wild sex, and entry-level love.

 

My wife is working through this and has been really mature. We have not been intimate since this happened. I am not sure how long that will take. She doesn’t trust me and I don’t blame her. I am just making sure I don’t make any decisions while I am still in this state of mind.

 

There is a tendency to try to rebuild by growing roots back into you SO - but my coach says you need to grow your roots into the ground (self) and I am embracing that.

 

Best of luck. I am writing this because I had not seen anyone write about something very similar. I hope this can help somebody.

 

[uPDATE: As I mentioned, I am now at 3.5 months. I did not edit this story much because I figure it might help someone out there going through something similar. I am so much more healed and things are much better with my wife now. No Contact and No Information + time is the best way to heal quickly.

 

Another thing - the AP's husband emailed me about a month ago stating he learned all of these new details like his wife wanted to end things and I tried to convince her to leave him. Those are both untrue. In fact, I had a Snapchat screenshot of a message she sent me about how she felt when I tried to end it one time. I could have sent him those Snapchats and a narrative about all of the betrayals emotional and sexual that she did on him but I didn't. I actually decided to not reply. I blocked his and her phone numbers and email addresses. I have not heard from them since but have seen them from a distance in public. I want to move on. I am not fully healed and I know my wife isn't either. I am very lucky she took me back. She is an awesome person and I have so much regret for betraying her. But alas, we cannot undo the past, we can only make the present and future better. I struggle with wanting to reply to that email still - 6 weeks later. I want to tell him that she is trying to create a narrative where this big-bad wolf preyed on her innocence but as these Snapchats prove - that just isn't the case. But to what end? To try to end their marriage? I am taking the higher road. Everyone has suffered plenty.]

 

Please leave me any comments and I will try to respond. Thanks

[SnowWhiteWins]

"Wow CrazyCoach..thank you for sharing your story. It been a journey, and I don't know how you will go from this level of intensity sex to normal life sex. It will be a long road to recovery. For what it worth, I 'm sure she thinks of you and misses the high too."

 

Right, because the toughest thing about having a DDay is the ho hum marriage sex cheaters are stuck having. (Eye roll...). Man, you've both got some work to do.

[SnowWhiteWins]

123sadgirl was right about one thing:. The "high". This is not love. The snapchat, and this original post, read like an addiction. I sensed no love at all. Lots of me me me me thinking, and getting a "fix."

 

OP, I hope you dig deep and do the hard work needed. And to still feel the need to "crush" your AP and her BS? Why, because you didn't win? "Shrek" got the girl? Not you, the Ken doll? You sound like a bully (read insecure). Get your validation from yourself, and that anger will melt away.

 

"When there is no enemy within, the enemies without cannot hurt you."

[gettingstronger]

OK- so suburban Dad starts team for young kids-has crazy S&M affair with team Mom-gets found out-doesn't understand how the other guy still wants his wife, but wants his own wife to want him back-

 

You are correct-what a mess- lots of introspection needed on your part-how did doing something for your kid, an activity that should have been for your kid become a vehicle to cheat-why wasn't your focus on your team when you were out of town, etc... in short- how did YOU get here and what can you do to be a different, better person-

 

Don't worry about her, her husband or any of that because you have enough unpacking to do in terms of your own actions-

 

Start there-

[CrazyCoach]

If you care about your wife at all, if you actually want to reconcile, delete those transcripts. Delete every last photo, exchange, interaction and memory of this woman you betrayed her with.

 

I will say this here for everyone who is encouraging me to delete the pics and Snapchats - that ain't gonna happen. I don't look at them and I have them stashed on a cloud drive for safe keeping.

 

Why do I keep them?

 

Her husband threatened to ruin my reputation and my career (he threatened this on multiple occasions). I have no idea if he will ever follow through but I'll be ready. He owns a small business in this small town. His reputation is everything. I am sure he knows that.

[CrazyCoach]

Why do want to crush her and her husband? What did her husband ever do to you?

 

I don't really want to crush him or even her. There are times when I feel angry. If I really wanted to crush them, I could have.

 

What has he done to me? Threats mostly... to shoot me, to ruin my reputation...

 

What has she done to me? Broke my heart. Manipulated me. Turned her back on me.