My totally messed up story

[gettingstronger]

I will say this here for everyone who is encouraging me to delete the pics and Snapchats - that ain't gonna happen. I don't look at them and I have them stashed on a cloud drive for safe keeping.

 

Why do I keep them?

 

Her husband threatened to ruin my reputation and my career (he threatened this on multiple occasions). I have no idea if he will ever follow through but I'll be ready. He owns a small business in this small town. His reputation is everything. I am sure he knows that.

 

 

Those snap chat stories make you both look really silly- I am unsure of what use they are to you- if he exposes it will be if/when he leaves his wife-he won't care- you can spread the snap-chats if you want after he has exploded your life- please, don't feel like you have any assurances at this point or anything over this guy to keep your reputation safe, you don't-

 

Work on you-if your world implodes, at least you will have that-

[CrazyCoach]

OP, I hope you dig deep and do the hard work needed. And to still feel the need to "crush" your AP and her BS? Why, because you didn't win? "Shrek" got the girl? Not you, the Ken doll? You sound like a bully (read insecure). Get your validation from yourself, and that anger will melt away.

 

Thanks for the judgement. I am no Ken doll, I think I made that clear. I shared my story to hopefully help others. If you don't understand why I would feel anger over this, you're not trying to see it from my perspective.

[gettingstronger]

Thanks for the judgement. I am no Ken doll, I think I made that clear. I shared my story to hopefully help others. If you don't understand why I would feel anger over this, you're not trying to see it from my perspective.

 

I don't think its anger you feel-its fear- you are the one in cuffs and a dog collar now-

[CrazyCoach]

I don't think its anger you feel-its fear- you are the one in cuffs and a dog collar now-

 

I disagree. What am I in fear of? You're more bitter than me - I don't get it... why are you mad at me?

[gettingstronger]

I disagree. What am I in fear of? You're more bitter than me - I don't get it... why are you mad at me?

 

I am not bitter, I am just looking from the outside in- you have zero control over what is going to happen in your life next- that would produce fear in anyone-

 

Look, you blew it- big time- the only thing you can really do is work on you- no matter what happens with your reputation, disclosures, whatever-at least you will be a better, stronger person to be able to deal with it-that is what you should work towards- it could get really ugly for you, best be in good mental shape if that happens-

[CrazyCoach]

I am not bitter, I am just looking from the outside in- you have zero control over what is going to happen in your life next- that would produce fear in anyone-

 

Look, you blew it- big time- the only thing you can really do is work on you- no matter what happens with your reputation, disclosures, whatever-at least you will be a better, stronger person to be able to deal with it-that is what you should work towards- it could get really ugly for you, best be in good mental shape if that happens-

 

Thanks - at least that feels like a bit of constructive advice. The way I see it, he has too much to lose and he knows it. That's why he hasn't shot me. The man is a gun hoarder and didn't even show his gun when he caught us together. I he texted me threats to shoot me and ruin my career but did nothing. Unless she leaves him (which I am pretty sure she won't) he won't do a thing. I am not saying he is weak because of that - just rational.

 

I do not live in fear. I do realize that sending him those Snaps wouldn't benefit me and could cause him to become irrational. But I am hanging on to them anyway.

[solonely9]

What a crazy story indeed. I agree with some of the other OPs here that this does sound more like a sexual thing than anything else, and a sexual thing she dragged you in, because it seems like she had the leading role. Also, you sound more angry (sense of betrayal, revenge) than heartbroken. Maybe, if you step away a bit and realize what it was really all about, it can help you to move on.

I guess you are looking for some closure, but even if you use your "evidence" against her, I do not think it will get you there. You might get some temporary satisfaction, but who knows, it might create an even bigger problem.

By the way, you have a great coach. I saw all his videos after my DD and they have been really helpful. Listen to him.

[CrazyCoach]

What a crazy story indeed. I agree with some of the other OPs here that this does sound more like a sexual thing than anything else, and a sexual thing she dragged you in, because it seems like she had the leading role. Also, you sound more angry (sense of betrayal, revenge) than heartbroken. Maybe, if you step away a bit and realize what it was really all about, it can help you to move on.

I guess you are looking for some closure, but even if you use your "evidence" against her, I do not think it will get you there. You might get some temporary satisfaction, but who knows, it might create an even bigger problem.

By the way, you have a great coach. I saw all his videos after my DD and they have been really helpful. Listen to him.

 

Thanks Lonely - I agree with everything you said. You know, I really just wanted sex in the beginning and then it became more. I did feel guilty in the beginning but I felt like as long as I kept the emotions out, it was less bad. After about 2 months, I was losing all sense of guilt because I loved her and wanted to be with her every moment of every day. We were both guilty of pushing the boundaries but I suppose my emotions got ahead of hers (meaning I was ready to throw it all away for her but obviously she wasn't).

 

I do want closure and I agree using my evidence would not give me that. Revenge rarely works the way people think it will. I am mostly hanging on to it in case her husband gets the idea that he can take revenge on me and go on with his life as if nothing happened.

 

You're probably right that I sound more angry than heartbroken now - but it has been over 100 days since my d-day. I was a total broken mess for the first month. I was crushed. But now I am healing.

 

I only posted this story now in hopes it might help someone else.

Edited January 4, 2017 by CrazyCoach

[solonely9]

I understand now. You are going through the stages of recovery. I was too pretty heartbroken for months, before I got really angry with XMM here. However, that is good. Anger, as long as you do not act out on it, is actually helpful, as it does get you some of your power back. I know how you feel. You want answers and reasons and some sort of an explanation that will give you closure, but we are never getting it from them, so us is all we have and the pain that, as you say, is the best teacher.

I am sure that one day you will see it for what it really was for her and, then, you will be fully recovered. But it is a long road, so prepare yourself. It is good you are going through all these emotions. It means that you are not faking it and are really processing all that has happened to you. By the way, XMM here also ran for the church. However, if you do not grow your roots in the ground, as your coach says, no amount of running and hiding will save you. On the other hand tho, it is their problem actually how they are dealing with the consequences.

[RecentChange]

I will say this here for everyone who is encouraging me to delete the pics and Snapchats - that ain't gonna happen. I don't look at them and I have them stashed on a cloud drive for safe keeping.

 

Why do I keep them?

 

Her husband threatened to ruin my reputation and my career (he threatened this on multiple occasions). I have no idea if he will ever follow through but I'll be ready. He owns a small business in this small town. His reputation is everything. I am sure he knows that.

 

He threatened to expose your immoral affair and somehow you think keeping proof of that affair will do - what exactly? Embarrass him?

 

HOW WOULD YOIR WIFE FEEL if you exposed those snaps?

 

Does she matter at all in any of this? Did she deserve this? Do you love her?

 

I got to tell you buddy, selfishness is what got you into this pickle, and it doesn't appear that D Day snapped you out of it.

[CrazyCoach]

I understand now. You are going through the stages of recovery. I was too pretty heartbroken for months, before I got really angry with XMM here. However, that is good. Anger, as long as you do not act out on it, is actually helpful, as it does get you some of your power back. I know how you feel. You want answers and reasons and some sort of an explanation that will give you closure, but we are never getting it from them, so us is all we have and the pain that, as you say, is the best teacher.

I am sure that one day you will see it for what it really was for her and, then, you will be fully recovered. But it is a long road, so prepare yourself. It is good you are going through all these emotions. It means that you are not faking it and are really processing all that has happened to you. By the way, XMM here also ran for the church. However, if you do not grow your roots in the ground, as your coach says, no amount of running and hiding will save you. On the other hand tho, it is their problem actually how they are dealing with the consequences.

 

Thanks again Lonely,

 

You're right about seeing it for what it was for her. I guess I am hurt mostly that she wanted me to turn away from my wife, worship her, and be completely devoted to her - which I did become - when she wasn't willing to feel that way for me.

 

If I knew it was just about sex for her, I could have set my mind to that as well. As she said in the text, "in the beginning I just thought it was fun and exciting." Well, same here! But when she started saying she loved me more than any man ever (which obviously included her husband, I thought it was something really special and I let my defenses down.

 

That's why it hurt so much. And I can't believe I am still thinking about it so much. I want to just forget her. Fortunately, I have some good techniques for that so I think I am further along than I would be without those techniques and if it wasn't for strict adherence to NC, you're right... I might have made a bigger mess by acting on my anger or sadness.

 

There is pain and pain leads to growth and becoming stronger. I am much stronger now than during the affair. I have learned so much in the past almost 4 months that have helped me grow psychologically and I have trained my body as well and I am growing physically stronger as well.

 

I know I have just had a bad 2 days since seeing her in public. That is what sunk me into this mental state. I guess I wanted to post my story to help others but also to get some encouragement from some people who have been there - people like you... thanks.

[CrazyCoach]

He threatened to expose your immoral affair and somehow you think keeping proof of that affair will do - what exactly? Embarrass him?

 

HOW WOULD YOIR WIFE FEEL if you exposed those snaps?

 

Does she matter at all in any of this? Did she deserve this? Do you love her?

 

I got to tell you buddy, selfishness is what got you into this pickle, and it doesn't appear that D Day snapped you out of it.

 

You may be right that I will never have the situation where using them helps in any way. But, I am not going to eliminate that option by deleting them.

 

I know the damage I have done and I have tried to not use this forum to talk about my wife. At least that's another story for when I am ready to get into it.

 

I am still sad and angry and your chiding is not what I came here for. Like most people who come to this site, I wanted to tell my story and hopefully help other people and receive some support. Your posts have all been inflammatory and intentionally designed to hurt me. I really don't appreciate that. I plan to ignore your replies going forward.

[RecentChange]

Sorry it's tough love buddy. I came here right after my affair and I did not expect, nor receive any cuddles.

 

What I did get where hard questions which pushed introspection as to why I got into this god damned mess to start with.

 

I didn't spend any time licking wounds, but rather went into damage control for my husband come D Day.

 

I see that you have read about no contact for breaking off the other woman, but have you read MacDonalds guide for helping your spouse heal?

 

Although you never said you loved her - and now you say it's complicated.

 

Just remember, she is going through even more pain than you right now - unless your marriage was already over somehow - was it?

[Samhain]

I have to agree with the posters who are advising you to delete all pictures and messages.

 

If your vow to stay NC with your ex AP and her spouse is honourable then you don't need them.

 

Her husband (no doubt out of heartbreak and fear) has threatened you to assure you stay away from his wife so that he can rebuild his marriage in peace without the constant worry of you popping back up again. Also.. If he carried through with his "threat" to ruin your reputation, he would sacrifice his own. You said he was well known in your area, and who wants to look like the cuckolded financially successful husband whos wife was banging someone behind his back? Not many at all.

 

I think you're hanging on to these things for more reasons than you care to admit, and all of those reasons are to the detriment of your own heartbroken forgiving spouse, who has done nothing in all of this. In fact, neither your BS nor your ex AP's BS have done a thing. You pointed out that "yes he has done something, he's threatened me" well, what did you expect? One thing I know for certain is that men do not take kindly to other men touching their wives. Would you? I certainly wouldn't expect any less from a man whos wife I'd been doinking!

 

You can speak unkindly of his physical attributes but the fact remains that he has more to offer her than you do and clearly the physical aspect meant little to nothing to her when the S*** hit the fan. He's the father of her children and the man she's spent a substancial amount of time married to and raising a family with. Something "new and exciting" 9/10 times will have an expiry date because it can't compete with the long term primary relationship and all that it entails.

 

All I saw in those messages you posted was a woman feeding into a fantasy.

 

You can express anger at her, because one cheat threw the other cheat under the bus, but what about your wife, you know, the person who hasn't done anything other than forgive the ultimate betrayal?

 

I know your hurt is genuine, but it's also a selfish hurt. There are innocent parties involved here who didn't orchestrate this or make selfish decisions, or ask for any of it. Your wife. Your AP's husband. All children involved.

 

Hang onto those things if you like but I guarantee she's deleted everything to do with you because she's genuinely moving on and you mean nothing anymore. Whether her "baptism" was genuine or fake it was obviously done to help her marriage recover. She passed on your message to her husband because she's being honest with him. It's a shame you can't see that by holding onto these things, no matter what excuse you have convinced yourself is a worthy reason to do so, is incredibly disrespectful to your wife.

 

You may think that her not disclosing full details of your sexual liaisons to her husband gives you some kind of power.. But there probably really isn't anything more to it than that she is ashamed and doesn't want to cause further hurt. (Ever read trickle truth threads on here? Or threads written by WS's who are terrified of admitting to the full details because they finally acknowledge the extent of the damage they have caused to their spouse?)

 

While I'm sure you have come quite some way since NC was enforced with regards to recovering, I think you still have an obsession with this woman. You're putting your energy into wondering why she is or isn't doing this or that with regards to her marriage and ignoring the fact that you should be asking yourself why you are doing these things still with regards to your own marriage.

 

Your wife has forgiven you and is trying to work through your selfish choices with you. Your energy should be 100% with that. And it just isn't. You really should end your marriage if you still cannot commit to your wife 100% not just physically but mentally and emotionally too. She deserves better than that, after already being amazing enough to forgive you, no?

 

Good luck, man! I hope you continue to recover, but I also hope you recover in the correct way and fix the correct people.

 

P.S, a lot of answers you receive here may or may not be what you want to hear, but there are hundreds of people on this site who have been involved in similar situations to yours both on the cheating side and the betrayed side. So you have to accept that you will get views from all aspects, it's not to "give you a chiding" it's because people are at different stages to you, and hindsight, as they say, is 20/20.

[BTDT2012]

I will say this here for everyone who is encouraging me to delete the pics and Snapchats - that ain't gonna happen. I don't look at them and I have them stashed on a cloud drive for safe keeping.

 

Why do I keep them?

 

Her husband threatened to ruin my reputation and my career (he threatened this on multiple occasions). I have no idea if he will ever follow through but I'll be ready. He owns a small business in this small town. His reputation is everything. I am sure he knows that.

 

The Snapchats reflect badly on his wife, not him. He's not the guilty party.

[moana]

I think no matter what anyone says, you and this woman had the A and only you and her know what you felt. It's so easy to read a one page description of a bigger picture and give thoughts. For example I had a 5 year A, yours was 3 months... I almost want to "judge" by saying oh no that was such a short time.. but the truth is a lot of things you feel and think I have felt and thought so I can relate in some ways. I was in love with the OM, I truly believe he was in love with me. I think if you felt you loved her, you did. No one can take that from you, you lived this experience and you know what you felt. Reading her snap messages it sounds like she felt that too.

 

 

No matter what, I think A are never going to have a happy ending. We hurt our H and W, we hurt each other and we hurt ourselves. It's like learning a lesson the hardest way possible.

 

 

I've noticed on LS, not always but the harshest responses come from the betrayed spouses. They project what they have been through onto us OW and OM. I can understand that because my perspective is from the OW side of things and I can relate more to things people are going through and feel.

 

 

When things ended with my A, my husband told his wife... She text me and said, "I can't believe you have done this to me, after being like a friend." we were more acquaintances than friends but just like you I responded saying, "I understand you are upset with me, but WE, your husband and me both hurt our families this was not all me." I have also learned the betrayed spouse puts most almost all of the blame on the AP. I asked my H about this during our counseling together and he said it's hard to hate me, he's hurt with me but it's not hate... with the OM it was easy to hate him because all he knew of him was he was intimate with me. I try and think of that when I think of his wife, but sometimes I feel like she's stupid. Like hey lady, he was just as much involved with me as I was with him. It was mutual!!!

 

 

Save the snaps till you are ready to let them go... again people can easily tell you over the computer hidden behind alias names what to do and judge you, but you know what works for your life and your situation.

 

 

Continue the NC, I have and am proud of it. I've heard that getting over someone can take half the time of the relationship, if that was true, you should be over her by now. I'm 2.5 years NC and was missing him pretty bad for a week or so... I'm feeling better now but it's a process. Just be happy there is progress.

 

 

Good luck!

[gettingstronger]

I've noticed on LS, not always but the harshest responses come from the betrayed spouses. They project what they have been through onto us OW and OM. I can understand that because my perspective is from the OW side of things and I can relate more to things people are going through and feel.

 

 

 

I feel like as a BS, its not that we are harsh, but real- OW/OM/MM are real too but in many cases are still romanticizing what they did or have not come to terms with it- if you read posts from OW to MM that can not make up their mind or have ghosted or played games, big time- you will see the same level of real, as in they know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of that and can express it quite bluntly and candidly- ditto OW/OM that have successfully reconciled with their spouses, they will tell you exactly how badly they behaved and make no excuses or mince words-

[waterwoman]

I feel like as a BS, its not that we are harsh, but real- OW/OM/MM are real too but in many cases are still romanticizing what they did or have not come to terms with it- if you read posts from OW to MM that can not make up their mind or have ghosted or played games, big time- you will see the same level of real, as in they know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of that and can express it quite bluntly and candidly- ditto OW/OM that have successfully reconciled with their spouses, they will tell you exactly how badly they behaved and make no excuses or mince words-

 

I think that a BS perspective is pretty important on here - providing it can be given with the best intentions and without anger. It is one of the three significant viewpoints in a love triangle and I can only see how it being beneficial in the long-term. Until I was a BS I had no real clue how awful it would be - I suspect many OP also have no clue. An OP might feel a generalised sense of guilt and pity but that isn't the same thing. As a BS I welcome an OP's perspective on the infidelity boards providing it can also be given with the best intentions and without anger. Knowledge is power.

[heartwhole]

I'm coming from this from the other side as a BW, but I can relate to the anger. I mean, sure, the OW couldn't have had an affair with my husband without his consent, but she didn't have to be flagrant and disrespectful about it, did she? She didn't have to vow on Twitter that she wasn't giving up on him, did she? She didn't have to Tweet at him that he should be strong enough to let go (of his dead weight wife), did she?

 

But what do I get out of going over each and every thing she did that was unnecessarily hurtful or ridiculous? Do I get to change what happened? No. If you're not careful, you can get stuck in an angry cycle forever. So if you find yourself saying, "I know I did wrong but SHE didn't have to throw me under the bus like that!" or "I know I did wrong but HE didn't have to be so threatening and obnoxious about it!" try to figure out what's under the anger. I'm guessing there is rejection and insecurity under there, but you'd know better than me. You're really feeling, "Having this hot woman want me boosted my self-esteem, but now that she's begging Shrek to take her back and claiming it meant nothing I feel . . . rejected." That's the thing to focus on, not the anger, not the nitpicky reasons why MOW and BH could have handled things better. Because surely you could have too. If you fixate on a single conversation or action too much you'll miss the big picture. . . . You'd be better served to figure out why you needed validation from an external source to begin with.

 

You don't sound open to talking about your marriage, so I'll just say that I do believe APs need to grieve and that's just part of accepting that your spouse had an affair, but I hope you can take some time to figure out what your wife is feeling underneath all of this too. When there's nothing to get angry about, then you're left with the weight of what you've done and the daunting prospect of repairing it. Perhaps the anger is a way to avoid that? If my husband had needed too much time or spent too much energy fixating on the OW, it probably would have killed our chances of R. Not necessarily because he needed more time than I liked to get over her, but because it seemed an indicator that he lacked enough empathy and concern for me to be the kind of partner I expect.

[CrazyCoach]

If you're not careful, you can get stuck in an angry cycle forever. So if you find yourself saying, "I know I did wrong but SHE didn't have to throw me under the bus like that!" or "I know I did wrong but HE didn't have to be so threatening and obnoxious about it!" try to figure out what's under the anger. I'm guessing there is rejection and insecurity under there, but you'd know better than me. You're really feeling, "Having this hot woman want me boosted my self-esteem, but now that she's begging Shrek to take her back and claiming it meant nothing I feel . . . rejected." That's the thing to focus on, not the anger, not the nitpicky reasons why MOW and BH could have handled things better. Because surely you could have too. If you fixate on a single conversation or action too much you'll miss the big picture. . . . You'd be better served to figure out why you needed validation from an external source to begin with.

 

Thanks for all of the recent comments. I haven't been online recently because frankly, the whole thing has occupied much less of my mindshare than in the weeks and months prior. I've really just cared less.

 

But the past days have not been completely uneventful. My son was in baseball camp with theirs. The first night the AP and her H were there to pickup their son and my wife was there to pick up ours. The AP actually had the nerve to say hello to my wife.

 

Now understand this... the AP used to tell me that my wife didn't deserve me... that only she (the AP) deserved me. I know many here seem to want to defend the AP over me - fine, I realize I probably seem like a cocky jerk by calling her BW Shrek - I know that is immature, I was just trying to paint a picture - I would never call him that to his face... I'm not a mean person.

 

Anyway, only the BW went for the next day's pickup and my wife was there again (I was doing stuff with my other son both times) and he decided to chat my wife up. He told me he heard she got a new jeep and that the other coach told him (I wont use names here even though probably anyone who knows us and reads this knows all of the players). I texted the other coach and asked if it was true. He apologized profusely and said he didnt tell her anything else about my life and she just told him something like how they've found God and they are so happy now.

 

There is more but I think you get the point - this camp created some new events. I also picked up my son the 3rd night and saw him and the 4th night and saw the AP's father - the father gave me a dirty look. Anyway - minor drama.

 

I have decided to move on. I really have not thought about the AP much. Thoughts pop into my head a few times per day but I interrupt them and think about what I am going to eat next. I find it is a technique that is really working to starve my mind of thoughts of her.

 

@monna - I can tell you it is taking longer than 3 months to totally get ove the affair but we spent a lot of time together and we'd been flirting for months prior. Anyway - I can tell I am in a rapid state of getting over it which is a relief.

[trailrunner1975]

I will say this here for everyone who is encouraging me to delete the pics and Snapchats - that ain't gonna happen. I don't look at them and I have them stashed on a cloud drive for safe keeping.

 

Why do I keep them?

 

Her husband threatened to ruin my reputation and my career (he threatened this on multiple occasions). I have no idea if he will ever follow through but I'll be ready. He owns a small business in this small town. His reputation is everything. I am sure he knows that.

 

If you live in NC or a state with alienation of affection laws, you best keep everything for your attorney to help defend you. No joke.