the5 Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 (edited) Well just to give you a background we broke up mutually about a week ago. We dated for 2 and a half years. Both cried and said that we loved each other but weren't happy together. Three days Ago I asked her in text about getting back together, saying i can change and pretty much says no. We haven't seen each other in person since the break up as I have been on vacation. Started NC 2 days ago. Couple of questions 1. I still have her stuff at my house, she wants to come get it. What should I do? I can drop it off at her house but she lives an hour away. Not sure if I should see her in person so soon. Also, I feel tempted to say something along the lines of ” I feel our breakup was rushed and didn’t try to fix anything and the easiest solution was to breakup. I think I can change and fix what was wrong but if you don’t think this will work out this is for the best then. I know where I went wrong and I know I can fix it.” when she comes to get her stuff as we never met in person after the break up without being full of emotion. Should I say something like this? I feel as it will get her thinking the same thing. I am 100% not going to beg her to take her back but Idk if I should even say something like this. 2. If durring NC she texts me that she wants to get back together what should I do? 3. We technically broke up as friends, so Im assuming she is going to reach out to me or shes going to expect me to reach out to her. When I see her should I tell her that Im not ready to be friends yet and I need time? Or Should I wait until she texts me first (if at all) and then tell her I need time? She will not take no contact well, I can assume that. I think she will think that I am ignoring her if I dont give her a reason as to why Im not talking to her and probably will begin to have bad feelings towards me. 4. Once we re-establish contact and Start to hang out again, what should we do? We never just "got coffee" So trying to do something that doesnt really seem as a date. Thanks guys! Edited January 4, 2017 by the5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 Three days Ago I asked her in text about getting back together, saying i can change and pretty much says no. Let that sink in for a bit. 1. I still have her stuff at my house, she wants to come get it. What should I do? I can drop it off at her house but she lives an hour away. Not sure if I should see her in person so soon. It doesn't matter, as long as her stuff disappears. You'll handle seeing her in person fine. Also, I feel tempted to say something along the lines of ” I feel our breakup was rushed and didn’t try to fix anything and the easiest solution was to breakup. I think I can change and fix what was wrong but if you don’t think this will work out this is for the best then. I know where I went wrong and I know I can fix it.” Honestly, one week after the break up this doesn't sound very credible. So no, don't say it. 2. If durring NC she texts me that she wants to get back together what should I do? Depends on where you stand. If you're happily in love with someone else, gently tell her you've moved on. If you're single think long an hard what has changed and whether you actually have a fundamentally better chance of working out from the first time around. This usually is not case, but you might be lucky. 3. We technically broke up as friends, so Im assuming she is going to reach out to me or shes going to expect me to reach out to her. When I see her should I tell her that Im not ready to be friends yet and I need time? Or Should I wait until she texts me first (if at all) and then tell her I need time? In my case she eventually asked whether I wanted no contact at all and I simply confirmed. It doesn't really matter. Just go and maintanin NC. She will not take no contact well, I can assume that. I think she will think that I am ignoring her if I dont give her a reason as to why Im not talking to her and probably will begin to have bad feelings towards me. Just tell her it's easier for you to move on this way. 4. Once we re-establish contact and Start to hang out again, what should we do? We never just "got coffee" So trying to do something that doesnt really seem as a date.Do you want to be her friend eventually? Like a childhood friend? Then getting coffee is fine. But frankly this shouldn't even be an issue until you've fully healed and moved on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author the5 Posted January 5, 2017 Author Share Posted January 5, 2017 Thank you for the advice! Been 4 days NC and she hasnt reached out yet. I would love to be with her again but for me its not the end of the world if Im not. I felt we had a strong connection but I am at the getting to the point where I am ready to move on. The question is, if I would like to possibly get back with her should I become friends with her after a Month or so of NC or Should I stay NC or minimal contact. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jamili Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 This breakup doesnt sound as mutual as you are trying to convince yourself it is. Sounds like you want her back. I think "being friends" is going to eliminate that from ever happening... we've all been there and tried that - it had the reverse effect. If you just want to be frienss forever, then do that. If you want a shot at getting her back, walk away and dont look back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author the5 Posted January 5, 2017 Author Share Posted January 5, 2017 This breakup doesnt sound as mutual as you are trying to convince yourself it is. Sounds like you want her back. I think "being friends" is going to eliminate that from ever happening... we've all been there and tried that - it had the reverse effect. If you just want to be frienss forever, then do that. If you want a shot at getting her back, walk away and dont look back. Your right, At first it was. Now its not , and I know that now. At this moment Im not sure what I want, But I feel the NC period will make it clear. Just looking what to do once I reach out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author the5 Posted January 5, 2017 Author Share Posted January 5, 2017 Also Should I wait for her to text me for her to come get her stuff? I am on vacation (Which She knows) until Saturday. She has not contacted me at all since we went NC, but in the conversation before she said that she wanted to get her stuff and WE will get closure. Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 WE will get closure. I doubt that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author the5 Posted January 7, 2017 Author Share Posted January 7, 2017 Well just an update and some of the before story. So one of the reasons I broke up with her was because she was putting one of her guy friends above me. Durring the break up I asked her about it and she said that she wasn't doing anything with him. New Years she was at a party with him and I didnt think much of it as I was on vacation and I didnt go NC yet. Today She posts a picture of them cuddling. Well I guess I was right, as much as that sucks. Should I still contact her after a month of NC even if she is still with him? Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted January 7, 2017 Share Posted January 7, 2017 You should not contact her again. She tossed you aside for another guy. Appears she was messing with him while you two where together. Think about that for a second. If that doesn't aggravate you enough to not want to speak with her EVER again then I don't know what will. Don't be the little wimpy beta male puppy dog chasing an ex that left you for a guy she feels is more attractive than you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carsrcool Posted January 7, 2017 Share Posted January 7, 2017 dumbass2 (love that name) is right. Your situation with this girl was near the same as mine with an ex that actually brought me to this forum. I was told ALL the red flags and how naive I was being about this girl. She hung out with a guy we both met while we were together, we had plans for outings that she decided to do with this new guy (I only found out after they did them). Granted there was no known cheating going on but eventually I ended it. Not two weeks later, they were 'official.' You were right to end it. Avoid contacting at all costs. Focus on yourself: Get a hobby (if you don't have one), play video games (my favorite), read a book. Enjoy being single In terms of giving stuff back, etc. Seeing each other after a breakup isn't as hard as it may sound. It should mostly consist of, "Here's your stuff. Hope you have a great future ahead of you. Have a good one." Try to stay away from mentioning the other person since it's just not good for anyone. If she asks how you're doing, you're doing fine (even if you're not). Give an excuse on why you have to go (see some friends or something). Once she's gone, that's it. Maybe contact her in a year or so to see how she's doing but only after you know that you're over it but I would advise against getting back together with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author the5 Posted January 8, 2017 Author Share Posted January 8, 2017 Thank you! Through Social Media she has seen that I am Home, as of today. She still has not contacted me about getting her stuff. I want to go complete NC but cant until she gets her stuff from my house. Link to post Share on other sites
Author the5 Posted January 25, 2017 Author Share Posted January 25, 2017 Well couple of weeks later, End of NC approaching looking at ways to establish contact again and when. We broke up around the 25th ( month ago from today). Didnt talk for a week, and she texts me on New Years. I thought this was her reaching out to get back together, But as the conversation went on I found this was not the case. Started NC Jan 1-2nd, She got her stuff on the 11th and thats the last time I saw and talked to her (didnt say much when she got her stuff just Hi and bye). So her Birthday is the 7th Of February, Should I wait until then and use that to re establish contact or do it before Around the 1-2nd ? If so what Should I say? My two options were either "Happy Birthday :)" or "Happy Birthday , How have you been? Also after re-establishing contact how should I go about asking to meet up? We nevr would just go get coffee since we lived an hour from each other so I dont know what to do/say without it seeming like a date. Also just as an aside I havent heard anything about the guy and herself, But I am not really close with her freinds or anything. Link to post Share on other sites
jamili Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 Well couple of weeks later, End of NC approaching looking at ways to establish contact again and when. We broke up around the 25th ( month ago from today). Didnt talk for a week, and she texts me on New Years. I thought this was her reaching out to get back together, But as the conversation went on I found this was not the case. Started NC Jan 1-2nd, She got her stuff on the 11th and thats the last time I saw and talked to her (didnt say much when she got her stuff just Hi and bye). So her Birthday is the 7th Of February, Should I wait until then and use that to re establish contact or do it before Around the 1-2nd ? If so what Should I say? My two options were either "Happy Birthday :)" or "Happy Birthday , How have you been? Also after re-establishing contact how should I go about asking to meet up? We nevr would just go get coffee since we lived an hour from each other so I dont know what to do/say without it seeming like a date. Also just as an aside I havent heard anything about the guy and herself, But I am not really close with her freinds or anything. Man..... what the hell?! No way!!! God, no! You've been reading too many of those "Get Your Ex Back in 30 Days" things, haven't you. They don't work, and this plan of yours isn't going to go well. Realize that every time you reach out to her, you cut your chances of her coming back, more and more and more. The Happy Bday stuff is so bad... omg you would push her away forever. I know this seems like a good idea in your head right now, but TRUST me it's not. If you want ANY chance of this girl ever coming back in the future, this is what you need to go - NEVER initiate contact her again. Don't text her, don't email her, don't snail-mail her, don't call her, don't Facebook-her.. NOTHING. You just walk away, and start living your life without her. Then, in several months, she might text you. In fact, if you walk away now and never text her again, I think chances of her contacting you are good - especially since you have been bad with NC. But, if and when that happens.. I'd advise to play it really cool. If it's insignificant, I'd say ignore. Yup, ignore her. If it's something you need to respond to, be super brief and emotionless. You will never get her back unless she is chasing you, and it is all her idea. If you talk to her now, you are going to ruin any chances of this happening. Playing the "win her back from the new guy" card is going to have the reverse effect and push him further into his arms. She's rebounding, this is perfect - disappear like a freaking GHOST. Let her fail in that relationship alone and find out for herself how awesome rebounds are. Then, when it fails, you must be completely over her and moved on. She has to work to get back with you, you can't just take her back immediately. Basically, you are showing her that you have low value, and it's pushing her away. Whether you realize it or not, you are coming across as a needy man who has no self respect or confidence, ESPECIALLY since she's with another man now. WALK AWAY, and start moving on with your life whether you want to or not. But, please, do not contact her. Let her come to you... and it won't happen in 30 days either... if it happens, expect 6+ month or even years... another reason to keep moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
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