I'm a complete mess. me. [UPDATE: Ran into my ex-girlfriend]

[kevinjinha]

Fast forward it's been 2 months since our break up. I've gone through so much before I posted on here.

 

I remember posting on here desperately wanting my ex-girlfriend back. I would ask you guys for advice on how I would, but now I know that I don't want her back. I found out that she is talking to some guy on the internet, and it's not just "talking" it's back and forth I love you's. I dated this girl for 3 and a half years, and supported her through everything. She decided to throw it all away with some ugly mofo on the internet she met on Twitch. It made me realize how immature and unrealistic she was.

 

But why I am here is that, no matter how much I try to justify how wrong she is, why am I in so much pain? It hurts every single day. Everything I look at reminds me of her. Is she in a rebound relationship? What is she thinking? It's so confusing. I don't know how I am feeling because my heart is conflicted. I hate her but I love her, but I'm also very sad.

 

She moved on so quickly, with someone who she's never met either. I'm 23 and she's 21. I don't understand how someone could possibly be that cold. I can't even think about relationships right now. I don't know.

[PegNosePete]

You're in pain because you're 2 months on, from a 3 and a half year relationship! That is totally normal. It's a long relationship for someone in your age group and it is still relatively soon.

 

Don't compare yourself to her. She was likely moving on before you even split up. She was most likely feeling disconnected from the relationship. Although the breakup was only 2 months ago, she may have been emotionally disconnected for 6 months. So don't compare your "progress" to hers. Plus we all move on at different rates anyway so comparing makes no logical sense.

 

What you need to do now is ensure you're in NC. It doesn't sound as though you are. And also keep busy. Get new hobbies, new friends, join a gym, learn to play the drums, join a rock band, make some travel plans, volunteer for a week at a local homeless shelter or a school in Guatemala. You are young, single and free so you can do WHATEVER you like!

[mourinho]

Man, 2 months are nothing. Give yourself time. 3 and a half years are a lot of memories, feelings, they don't disapear easy.

I know how you fell and I'm also not completly healed. If she is talking to an other guy and says that she loves him, for me there would be just one way: suffer the pain now and get back to yourself stronger. It's never easy. But she didnt want you, she wants the other guy. Should she have him. You are far to good for her.

The question Why? Why? Why? will ring like a bell in your head, but trust me - she doesn't know why. That are the ****ty women feelings. I hope she will regret after some time to have dumped you. And i hope that at that time you would be back to yourself.

Take care.

[Cornelius_Smiff]

I am sorry you are going through this man I really am, for what it’s worth I know the pain, I know the suffering and the know the hopeless feelings you may be having right now. I am going through the same thing myself. I am onto my 3rd month now and it is getting easier but it still hurts like hell.

My ex of 5 years (who I was engaged to and we were getting married in July) emotionally cheated on me also with a mutual gaming friend on the internet and left me. Our relationship was always good and I was totally blindsided. Throughout all of this I came to realise this wasn’t about me or even this other guy. It was all about her.

 

Essentially she was a coward. I have now realised she didn’t leave me because this guy was better than me or any of that and she would have done this with any guy that had come along. She was looking for someone to jump into in order to deal with her own insecurities and unhappiness in the relationship. She was clearly unhappy or at least having serious doubts and instead of doing what most normal mature people would do (you know actually f**king tell me and talk stuff through) she lied to my face and pretended as if all was fine (I sensed otherwise but gave the benefit of the doubt). She overlapped into another relationship because she is incapable of being alone and clearly had no concept of working at the one she was currently in. Cheating or overlapping is 100% about the person doing it and their own cowardice. They lack either the experience or the maturity to deal with relationships in a responsible way and in particular when problems arise or when they feel it is ending. Even in cases where they didn’t overlap per se, if they got into another relationship immediately after it’s a very similar mindset.

 

Most of all, everything you are feeling is normal, the hurt, the pain and the confusion. Her being cold is her way of blocking out normal emotions and those of the breakup. Even if she hated your guts and the relationship was horrible, she still has feelings for you and because of this she is acting this way to try and justify what she has done. People who fail to acknowledge a breakup will see those feelings surface again one day in different ways. Most of all, none of this is on you. Sure, a relationship breaking down is a joint thing but she chose to react to it in this way and your conscience is clear buddy. Be kind to yourself and take as long as you need to heal. I know it’s a cliché and trust me this is not what I wanted to hear when I was in the first few months, It does get easier!

 

Something I wrote a few months back:

 

“It’s ironic that the one’s who tear us open seem to care little for what’s inside. Instead of trying to hurt them back, the best revenge is putting yourself back together to create something better than the thing they smashed to pieces.”

 

You got this man!

[elaine567]

Yes, she was/is immature, she is 21, what do you expect?

 

In a 3 & 1/2 year relationship it had to go somewhere pretty soon - engagement, marriage, kids is the usual next step.

She is far too young for that, so she, like just about everyone else does, grew up, wanted different things, and moved onto her next relationship.

Its what young people do, very few stick around with the first person they meet, they keep moving on until they feel the need to settle down.

 

Yes, it is hard for you as no doubt you had expectations, but they weren't realistic, not really.

She could have been a bit classier about the break up and that may be due to immaturity. She saw something she liked better and she bailed, but she is hardly alone there, men and women of all age groups do that all the time.

 

Like everyone else has had to do when the "love of their life" leaves them, you WILL get over her and in a few years you will wonder what all the fuss was about...

[d0nnivain]

You are grieving. Something that was precious to you -- your relationship -- has ended. You miss the happy times.

 

 

It takes a while to get over. 2 months v. a 3 year relationship, probably what was your 1st love . . . it's gonna take time.

 

 

Give yourself until at least the summer. Plan something really cool, like a beach house but do keep busy.

 

 

Eventually the acute pain of loss will fade.

[teddyzain]

Around 23 my girlfriend left me because I didn't want to get her pregnant. She was 22 and I was not even close to having a kid. At the time I was just starting my first 'real' job.

 

It took me a couple of years to get her completely out of my mind and that was because after year 1 of our breakup she married a friend of mine. They are still together with kids and she obviously means nothing to me at this point.

 

So at your age this is common. Just hang in there. If there is anything you feel you need to work on to make yourself a good future partner than start now.

 

Good luck

[kevinjinha]

I am sorry you are going through this man I really am, for what it’s worth I know the pain, I know the suffering and the know the hopeless feelings you may be having right now. I am going through the same thing myself. I am onto my 3rd month now and it is getting easier but it still hurts like hell.

My ex of 5 years (who I was engaged to and we were getting married in July) emotionally cheated on me also with a mutual gaming friend on the internet and left me. Our relationship was always good and I was totally blindsided. Throughout all of this I came to realise this wasn’t about me or even this other guy. It was all about her.

 

Essentially she was a coward. I have now realised she didn’t leave me because this guy was better than me or any of that and she would have done this with any guy that had come along. She was looking for someone to jump into in order to deal with her own insecurities and unhappiness in the relationship. She was clearly unhappy or at least having serious doubts and instead of doing what most normal mature people would do (you know actually f**king tell me and talk stuff through) she lied to my face and pretended as if all was fine (I sensed otherwise but gave the benefit of the doubt). She overlapped into another relationship because she is incapable of being alone and clearly had no concept of working at the one she was currently in. Cheating or overlapping is 100% about the person doing it and their own cowardice. They lack either the experience or the maturity to deal with relationships in a responsible way and in particular when problems arise or when they feel it is ending. Even in cases where they didn’t overlap per se, if they got into another relationship immediately after it’s a very similar mindset.

 

Most of all, everything you are feeling is normal, the hurt, the pain and the confusion. Her being cold is her way of blocking out normal emotions and those of the breakup. Even if she hated your guts and the relationship was horrible, she still has feelings for you and because of this she is acting this way to try and justify what she has done. People who fail to acknowledge a breakup will see those feelings surface again one day in different ways. Most of all, none of this is on you. Sure, a relationship breaking down is a joint thing but she chose to react to it in this way and your conscience is clear buddy. Be kind to yourself and take as long as you need to heal. I know it’s a cliché and trust me this is not what I wanted to hear when I was in the first few months, It does get easier!

 

Something I wrote a few months back:

 

“It’s ironic that the one’s who tear us open seem to care little for what’s inside. Instead of trying to hurt them back, the best revenge is putting yourself back together to create something better than the thing they smashed to pieces.”

 

You got this man!

 

This post is almost exactly what happened. She told me she fell out of love for me for almost a year, but was too much of a coward to tell me straight up how she was feeling. she held it in , and just waited for somebody else. It's really painful, thanks a lot for your kind words!

[Cornelius_Smiff]

Should also be worth noting that under normal circumstances people do not just fall out of love and the fact she held it in for that long shows a deep level of disrespect for herself and for you.

 

Relationships go through good and bad times, sometimes they go through a crisis and the reality is none of them are perfect. They take work and dedication from both parties to be successful. If she said she fell out of love with you a year earlier then it would have been a gradual thing. She chose not to address those feelings and carried on letting resentment fester.

 

I am sorry again man for this pain you are feeling, but remember it was her decision to withhold her true feelings and as I said before, although you are both responsible ultimately the relationship as a whole, it only takes one side to stop being honest or communicating for it to fail.

 

Remember, her decisions are not on you and this other person is not better than you. You are unique and one day you will come to the wonderful realisation that she has lost a wonderful unique human being from her life forever.

 

I got the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" BS when my ex ended it (I had to confront her to get the truth though) and the whole she only saw me as a friend etc. Funny, as soon as she had got all of her stuff out of the house, she pretty much ghosted me and proceeded to bad mouth/tell lies about me. Which if you knew her and our relationship was incredibly painful as she was such a sweet caring person. Guilt, fear and insecurity brings out the worst in people and I dont hate her, I just feel sorry for her. In fact I still think she is a good person deep down, she just chose to be a coward. So remember alot of what she is doing/has done is not a reflection on your worth, it's pretty much all about her own feelings or lack of maturity.

[kevinjinha]

Should also be worth noting that under normal circumstances people do not just fall out of love and the fact she held it in for that long shows a deep level of disrespect for herself and for you.

 

Relationships go through good and bad times, sometimes they go through a crisis and the reality is none of them are perfect. They take work and dedication from both parties to be successful. If she said she fell out of love with you a year earlier then it would have been a gradual thing. She chose not to address those feelings and carried on letting resentment fester.

 

I am sorry again man for this pain you are feeling, but remember it was her decision to withhold her true feelings and as I said before, although you are both responsible ultimately the relationship as a whole, it only takes one side to stop being honest or communicating for it to fail.

 

Remember, her decisions are not on you and this other person is not better than you. You are unique and one day you will come to the wonderful realisation that she has lost a wonderful unique human being from her life forever.

 

I got the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" BS when my ex ended it (I had to confront her to get the truth though) and the whole she only saw me as a friend etc. Funny, as soon as she had got all of her stuff out of the house, she pretty much ghosted me and proceeded to bad mouth/tell lies about me. Which if you knew her and our relationship was incredibly painful as she was such a sweet caring person. Guilt, fear and insecurity brings out the worst in people and I dont hate her, I just feel sorry for her. In fact I still think she is a good person deep down, she just chose to be a coward. So remember alot of what she is doing/has done is not a reflection on your worth, it's pretty much all about her own feelings or lack of maturity.

 

This really means a lot to me. This is exactly what happened between me and her. Whats worse is that, during Christmas, she actually purchased me a plane ticket as a gift. While I was in Chicago, she used it as a way to be alone. We got in an argument while I was in Chicago, and she chose to pack up her things WHILE I was in Chicago. She said if she saw me she would "Pity me" and feel "guilty" So she chose to pack up while I was 3000 miles away! It really hurt me. I spent $400 to fly home a DAY early. As I got back from the airport, I see her in her car with all of her stuff in her car. She couldn't be respectful enough to pack her things when I was there. That really hurt.

 

I just read your old post, and its really scary scary similar how it is. IS there anyway I can contact you? It's so similar. especially with the PC thing

Edited February 21, 2017 by kevinjinha

[Cornelius_Smiff]

This really means a lot to me. This is exactly what happened between me and her. Whats worse is that, during Christmas, she actually purchased me a plane ticket as a gift. While I was in Chicago, she used it as a way to be alone. We got in an argument while I was in Chicago, and she chose to pack up her things WHILE I was in Chicago. She said if she saw me she would "Pity me" and feel "guilty" So she chose to pack up while I was 3000 miles away! It really hurt me. I spent $400 to fly home a DAY early. As I got back from the airport, I see her in her car with all of her stuff in her car. She couldn't be respectful enough to pack her things when I was there. That really hurt.

 

I just read your old post, and its really scary scary similar how it is. IS there anyway I can contact you? It's so similar. especially with the PC thing

 

Again I am sorry she was so cold towards you (normal behaviour). Trust me when I tell you this. She probably did you a favour by getting her things out when you weren't there.

 

2 days after she said she didn't love me anymore, her Sister in Law came to get her to take her back to her hometown with some things. I had to watch her take most of her things and the cats, which took more than an hour. What's worse is that I helped her. My entire heart and soul was falling to pieces that morning as she slowly started to leave my life with everything that meant a damn to me. Trying to hold in that sort of emotion is literally the most difficult thing I have ever had to do and as she was walking out the door tears were streaming down my face and I wasn't even aware of them doing that.

 

Her and those cats were my whole world and that is the last time I ever saw any of them again and probably ever will. As for the rest of her things, I made sure to plan on being out of the house when her and her Dad showed up with a removal truck. I couldn't deal with going through that a second time and as much as it felt surreal coming back to an empty house. It was far better than having to see her and then see her remove the last traces of her from my life. Although I wanted to see her more than anything in the world, I knew deep down it would not help and would only make me feel worse. This was during the time I was being very pragmatic and trying not to create drama, unfortunately her and her dad decided to start being a bit childish after this. But that's another story. But I do not regret being away from my house when she was getting her things, it probably helped in the long run.

 

Sure you cannot contact me anytime Bro. Do you use anything like Steam or Skype?

[kevinjinha]

I ran into an ex of mine who I still love at a tea shop. She was with 2 friends, and I was outside smoking a cigarette. I already noticed her when I parked, and she saw me too. However, I knew she would panic. She thought I didn't see her, and I proceeded to sit on the side curb so I can watch her frantically "hide" from me and run to the car.

 

She then ran off. I gave my entire life to this girl. I cared about her so deeply, and it's only been two months since our break up. It hurts me to see that she's trying to avoid me. As if I don't exist to her anymore. I spent 3 years with her, and It just feels as if we're strangers.

 

What I need help on is, I want to send her a text message saying " You don't need to avoid me, we spent so many years together why are you acting like a stranger?" I don't know. It hurts to see someone you love so much just run away from you in cowardice and shame. I love this girl so much, gave my heart and soul to her. It just hurts to wake up with someone for 3 years, share all these memories together, and one day when you see each other only 2 months after the break up, (she dumped me) she treats me as if I'm a scary lunatic. It's extremely painful. I really want to send her that text message. I don't care if we get back together or not, she's a really ****ty person.

[FoundLove]

Sorry you're hurting

 

A similar thing happened to me with my ex boyfriend years ago. It is sad and painful to go from being so close to someone to having him/her make you feel as if you never meant anything...

 

Please don't send her a message. It really won't help at all and she will probably just ignore it anyway, which will hurt you yet again. Just let it go.

[Bromeo]

If I may, if she ran from you in person, she will run from a text as well. Don't compound your hurt now with more hurt later.

 

It sounds like your ex is immature, emotionally or otherwise.

 

I felt the exact same way about my ex. After being as close as two people could for 18 months, she basically ghosted me. I chased and chased, and she treated me with disdain, refused a clear talk, etc. I was crushed. When I would walk away, she would try and string me along. You are fortunate in that regard that you are not getting that.

 

If she wants to run, either in person, or from your relationship, let her go. Best thing is to process through the emotions, and they are a monster. She is feeling it too, and her way is to ignore them. It will hit later.

 

I had to block mine online. At first it was for me, now I feel that she doesn't have priveleges into my life any longer. When she saw she was blocked, she deleted our pics. Guess life isn't grand, eh?

 

Point is, let yourself hurt. I give myself time each day to reflect, then I force myself out of it.

 

Let her experience life without you. Be the best version of yourself. She knows you saw her slinking away. Her cowardice is on her.

 

Dave

[d0nnivain]

Sending her the text won't change things. She will still run next time. She's not mature enough to smile politely, nod & walk away from you. Hopefully her immature behavior will help you in your search for closure.

 

 

Don't send the text.

[Jimmyjackson]

Don't text her, she will be expecting one.

[Maldives]

I ran into an ex of mine who I still love at a tea shop. She was with 2 friends, and I was outside smoking a cigarette. I already noticed her when I parked, and she saw me too. However, I knew she would panic. She thought I didn't see her, and I proceeded to sit on the side curb so I can watch her frantically "hide" from me and run to the car.

 

She then ran off. I gave my entire life to this girl. I cared about her so deeply, and it's only been two months since our break up. It hurts me to see that she's trying to avoid me. As if I don't exist to her anymore. I spent 3 years with her, and It just feels as if we're strangers.

 

What I need help on is, I want to send her a text message saying " You don't need to avoid me, we spent so many years together why are you acting like a stranger?" I don't know. It hurts to see someone you love so much just run away from you in cowardice and shame. I love this girl so much, gave my heart and soul to her. It just hurts to wake up with someone for 3 years, share all these memories together, and one day when you see each other only 2 months after the break up, (she dumped me) she treats me as if I'm a scary lunatic. It's extremely painful. I really want to send her that text message. I don't care if we get back together or not, she's a really ****ty person.

 

 

Yes same thing happened to me lol 3 mths noes anyway worse we work together and the 1st week wen I saw she parked her car over the other side it hurt. However now its me wanting to get away from her at work lol funny that someone causes you enough pain u dont wanna see them akward to selah the least. I actually think she gets som gratification out of showing how happy she is laughing Loud male coworkers always stopping to talk by her desk but today I'd had enough and told management I can't handle it anymore and need to be moved out of mind out of sight today felt like a small victory she had no power whatsoever lol. Dude **** her I know it hurts u do the same and ignore her trust me ull feel better ur self worth is at stake don't be any bodies door mat

[Maldives]

Btw it's common for dampers to behave this way or run or appear cold it's a protection thing to not feel the guilt of hurting another human being that's wat it is and why theyes act that way nothing more nothing less

[kevinjinha]

I can't help but to feel really hurt from this. We lived together , would wake up in the morning and spend time together 24/7. In a span of 2 months and 1 month of NC she, I've become just a bitter memory to her.

 

My ex is a horrible person. She broke up with me, says I'm only good for my looks, moved in with one of my best friends (they don't have anything) , pursues another relationship while attempting to be friends with me knowing I still love her , and uses me for my resources.

 

But I sit here every day, knowing she's like this I still can't help but to feel hurt. I need help.

[d0nnivain]

You don't need help, at least not the professional kind. You could probably do with a hug, some support from your friends & family & a place to grieve.

 

 

What you feel -- hurt -- is normal. You need time. In time the pain will fade but right now it's acute & seeing her & having her treat you so badly didn't help.

 

 

Hang in there.

[kevinjinha]

I have another curiosity , I built my ex-girlfriend a gaming computer plus games and everything. At first she didn't want it, but eventually she started to enjoy it. She then started going on a website called twitch tv, met a lot of people, and I found out she met the guy she's currently interested in on that website.

 

I feel a sense of disrespect, that she used something I worked hours to build as a tool to find someone else. She uses that computer every day for 6 hours a day five days a week.

 

The question is , should I take the computer back? I don't care about it. But the fact that she used it as a tool to mentally cheat on me makes me feel disrespected. Am I wrong to feel this way ?

[Imajerk17]

I have another curiosity , I built my ex-girlfriend a gaming computer plus games and everything. At first she didn't want it, but eventually she started to enjoy it. She then started going on a website called twitch tv, met a lot of people, and I found out she met the guy she's currently interested in on that website.

 

I feel a sense of disrespect, that she used something I worked hours to build as a tool to find someone else. She uses that computer every day for 6 hours a day five days a week.

 

The question is , should I take the computer back? I don't care about it. But the fact that she used it as a tool to mentally cheat on me makes me feel disrespected. Am I wrong to feel this way ?

 

No, you aren't wrong nor strange to feel this way, but I'd consider the computer you built to be a sunk cost. You won't get it back.

 

Suppose say you introduced your girlfriend into working out and she got in shape and met someone else at the gym where you bought her a membership as a gift. What would you do then.

 

Meanwhile, I did read your other threads. It sounds that you and your ex-girlfriend had a very unhealthy dynamic (co-dependent), with you basically "rescuing" her. These types of relationships hardly ever turn out well. The person doing the rescuing ends up feeling exhausted and used, and the person BEING rescued actually ends up feeling smothered and resentful. This may be a lesson for you.

[keiji]

The question is , should I take the computer back? I don't care about it. But the fact that she used it as a tool to mentally cheat on me makes me feel disrespected. Am I wrong to feel this way ?

 

No man, don't do it. It's just an object, don't even bother with material things. You gave it to her, let her do with it whatever she wants. It's happened to me. My ex-wife sold the wedding ring to buy tickets for Thailand with the guy she left me for. It hurts, but who's decent here? You or her?

 

The best thing that could happen to you is that she run away when she saw you. Don't even talk to her and devote the time you'd waste chasing or confronting her to improve and move on. She's not worthy of your time. It hurts, but stay far from those who are not good to you.

[preraph]

If she treats you like you are a lunatic, I am going to assume she had a hard time getting you to go away when she broke up with you. If you respected her at all, you would leave her alone and not find any excuse to contact her.

[d0nnivain]

You can feel however you feel about the computer. You can't take it back however. It was a gift. Once you gave it to her it became hers & hers alone. You have no right to it back. Sorry.