Why do women go out with jerks?

[bradt93]

A reasonable thing to do would have been something like

 

Hey, your name is Brooke right? I think we went to middle school together. How are you doing? How's life treating you?

 

You are right, asking her to come sit would have been wrong, because you need to respect that she is at work, and waitresses are expected to hustle.

 

Btw, tips are often split with the bus boys and other kitchen staff. So you didn't just stiff Brooke rudely, you stiff everyone working that shift.

I have to admit I got butterflies in my stomache when I saw her, so I was a little surprised that I've seen her in the first place. I have to ask myself Brad, are you going to not communicate at all with women or are you going to get up and make an effort?

[bradt93]

So what DID you say to her?

Nothing, I didn't want to interrupt her while she was working.

[Blanco]

Nothing, I didn't want to interrupt her while she was working.

 

So you stiffed her on a tip, not because of anything related to her job performance, but because she failed to do something you also didn't do. And she had the reasonable excuse that she was on the clock performing a job that can be incredibly hectic and demanding. I won't even get into how servers rely almost entirely on tips to generate their income.

 

I get that your issues may impede social awareness issues that are more clear to others, but just know that the above behavior on your part was, ironically enough, pretty douchey.

[RecentChange]

So you punished her because of your own anxiety.

 

Yeah, that's pretty jerkish / douchy and NOT the kind of douchy women go for. I would say it's safe to say you killed any chances with her right then and there.

 

So this isn't really about women going only for jerks is it?

 

I'll clue you in. Girls like attention. They like flattery.

 

Recently I had a guy approach me at a grocery store - I thought he was going to ask me where he could find the milk - but he was kinda acting funny and nervous.

 

Instead he said that he thought I was gorgeous and asked me out - que the awwwwwe so sweet!

 

I thanked him for the compliment, and told him I was married. But I remember thinking I could tell he had to muster up a lot of courage to do that, and that alone was a bit endearing. I can't say anything immediately attracted me to him, but ya know, if I was single I probably would have given him a chance for putting himself out there like that.

 

Meanwhile you recognize someone at a restaurant, make no attempt to talk to her, and stiff her.

 

That's not how you get chicks. But being courageous and taking a risk will give you a much better chance.

[bradt93]

So you punished her because of your own anxiety.

 

Yeah, that's pretty jerkish / douchy and NOT the kind of douchy women go for. I would say it's safe to say you killed any chances with her right then and there.

 

So this isn't really about women going only for jerks is it?

 

I'll clue you in. Girls like attention. They like flattery.

 

Recently I had a guy approach me at a grocery store - I thought he was going to ask me where he could find the milk - but he was kinda acting funny and nervous.

 

Instead he said that he thought I was gorgeous and asked me out - que the awwwwwe so sweet!

 

I thanked him for the compliment, and told him I was married. But I remember thinking I could tell he had to muster up a lot of courage to do that, and that alone was a bit endearing. I can't say anything immediately attracted me to him, but ya know, if I was single I probably would have given him a chance for putting himself out there like that.

 

Meanwhile you recognize someone at a restaurant, make no attempt to talk to her, and stiff her.

 

That's not how you get chicks. But being courageous and taking a risk will give you a much better chance.

Well, it was 2 years ago, do you think maybe she forgot about it?

[carhill]

Unknown but, if experience with many, many women is any guide, if you set an emotional memory flag with your words or actions, you can pretty much bank on her remembering it, and you, until she's dead. Maybe not in the forefront or even consciously but if something triggers, like the sight of you , watch out. Ask any married guy how that works. They'll tell you.

 

Learn from each experience good bad or indifferent and move forward. Billions of women on the planet.

[bradt93]

Unknown but, if experience with many, many women is any guide, if you set an emotional memory flag with your words or actions, you can pretty much bank on her remembering it, and you, until she's dead. Maybe not in the forefront or even consciously but if something triggers, like the sight of you , watch out. Ask any married guy how that works. They'll tell you.

 

Learn from each experience good bad or indifferent and move forward. Billions of women on the planet.

So women will never let go of a grudge? that's pathetic.

[BlueIris]

So women will never let go of a grudge? that's pathetic.

 

That’s not a grudge. That’s knowledge of your personality based on your actions.

 

Based on what you've posted here, you're negative and critical and yet not self-aware. That's what you demonstrated when you stiffed the waitress too.

[bradt93]

That’s not a grudge. That’s knowledge of your personality based on your actions.

 

Based on what you've posted here, you're negative and critical and yet not self-aware. That's what you demonstrated when you stiffed the waitress too.

negative, huh? one of my friends aunt's has cancer and she's a woman. I donated money to her gofundme account, because it was the right thing to do and I care for her.

[BlueIris]

negative, huh? one of my friends aunt's has cancer and she's a woman. I donated money to her gofundme account, because it was the right thing to do and I care for her.

 

That has nothing to do with how you treated the waitress or drawing the conclusions that remembering when someones treats you badly is a pathetic grudge.

[Gloria25]

I was pondering this as of late.

 

I don't know, maybe some women like jerks? Maybe cuz of daddy issues?

 

I mean I hate Ben Afleck, but months ago I had this wet dream where I was giving him oral like seriously, excellent and efficient oral. Then, I hate Ryan Gosling. He's a smug jerk and gosh, every time I see him on TV, there's a wet dream. Last he was on SNL, I couldn't stop laughing and I hate him!!!

 

And, now I'm sacred that I still am thinking about recent dude - despite him being a jerk to me. My friends are upset cuz when I talk about him, they say that my tone shows that I still have feelings for him and that now he's been a jerk, I like him more.

 

I don't know. I don't think I'm a jerk magnet cuz guys before current dude, I tried considering going back to previous dude and nah, wasn't feeling it.

 

So, I don't think it's that the guy is a jerk per se or a "bad boy". I think that for that woman there's "something" about that guy that makes him have a hold on her...Current dude? I wasn't on the hunt, I just saw him one day and was like "I have to talk to him". He just came off as arrogant and serious and it's not just that - the way he dresses, stands, speaks - commands you to notice him. But, after talking to him, I was surprised to see he's sweet too - which kinda chilled my spidey senses about him seeming arrogant and standoffish. But then again, in our AO, I can see where/how he would be standoffish to the people around us cuz I am too. Arrgh, and sometimes I daydream like with Afleck, I'm giving him oral as he smokes a cigarette .

 

I don't know, there's just something about him that makes me want to do whatever he wants. I'm so weak when it comes to him. He just smiles and I melt. I have to stay strong cuz I think he knows that he has me at his whim.

 

My six year guy was tall and handsome too, so was Belgian guy. O gosh, FWB was tall and handsome too I believe my "type" is tall, arrogant, handsome, and a jerk.

[SoulCat]

negative, huh? one of my friends aunt's has cancer and she's a woman. I donated money to her gofundme account, because it was the right thing to do and I care for her.

 

But that's an entirely different situation.

You're comparing apples to....donkeys here.

 

It does seem, from both your posts and how you seem to deal with people in real life that you have limited social skills.

You say you're a 'nice guy' but you don't come across as one here.

Just because you exhibit some basic human decency and perhaps manners does not automatically make you a nice guy.

And even if it did, it does not by default make you entitled to a woman's interest.

 

Instead of laying the blame on 50% of the population, e.g. 'women' you ought to look closer to home to see where the problem is.

 

 

The default, go-to reason 'nice guys' like you rely upon is 'women only ever go for jerks and bad boys'.

Like another poster pointed out, that would then mean your dad is a jerk, as is your granddad, your uncles, cousins etc etc.

 

You know that that is not true.

[bradt93]

But that's an entirely different situation.

You're comparing apples to....donkeys here.

 

It does seem, from both your posts and how you seem to deal with people in real life that you have limited social skills.

You say you're a 'nice guy' but you don't come across as one here.

Just because you exhibit some basic human decency and perhaps manners does not automatically make you a nice guy.

And even if it did, it does not by default make you entitled to a woman's interest.

 

Instead of laying the blame on 50% of the population, e.g. 'women' you ought to look closer to home to see where the problem is.

 

 

The default, go-to reason 'nice guys' like you rely upon is 'women only ever go for jerks and bad boys'.

Like another poster pointed out, that would then mean your dad is a jerk, as is your granddad, your uncles, cousins etc etc.

 

You know that that is not true.

As I stand my previous points, women only like jerks. Thanks for proving me right.

[bradt93]

I know who I am and I don't need some bimbos telling me different.

[SoulCat]

As I stand my previous points, women only like jerks. Thanks for proving me right.

 

 

So you're telling us your dad is a jerk then. As are all your male family members and relatives who are dating or in a relationship.

All of them are jerks and bad boys.

 

Oookaay then....

[GorillaTheater]

I know who I am and I don't need some bimbos telling me different.

 

 

We in jerk-ville welcome you. The women will surely come swarming, now.

[bradt93]

So you're telling us your dad is a jerk then. As are all your male family members and relatives who are dating or in a relationship.

All of them are jerks and bad boys.

 

Oookaay then....

my family members aren't jerks and please don't bring them into this.

[bradt93]

So you're telling us your dad is a jerk then. As are all your male family members and relatives who are dating or in a relationship.

All of them are jerks and bad boys.

 

Oookaay then....

I just don't appreciate her thinking I didn't exist and acting like a damn snob when she saw was my waitress.

[Gloria25]

Look, someone explained this on my favorite podcaster's show a while back - which is women want a "gentleman" - not a "nice guy".

 

Differences?

 

A "nice guy" has no spine. He's a pushover. He does whatever others want. He doesn't stand up for himself. Even nice guys can be jerks.

 

A "gentleman" shows respect and treats a woman well, but won't tolerate crap. He also commands respect.

 

Examples?

 

Nice guy = On first date brings a dozen roses, splurges on dinner, tickets to a show, etc. for a woman on a first date. While on date, woman is on her phone the whole time. Nice guy sits there stirring his fork and sad. At end of date, nice guy shakes her hand and is too scared to even hint that he wants to see her again.

 

Gentleman = On first date, he takes her to something interesting, but inexpensive - like drinks at a cafe where food is optional. He doesn't splurge on someone who doesn't even have status with him. He didn't bring flowers, but is a gentleman, he holds open doors, makes sure she's comfortable, etc. If she dare pull out her phone and get lost init. Gentleman politely ends the date. He doesn't even pay for her drink and wishes her a good nite. He looses her number. But, if date went well, gentleman closes the deal and "claims" her by making sure he kisses her - not a peck on the cheek nor French kissing...but in between. He also is cool about seeing her again, he'll be like "This was nice, we oughta do it again'. He then waits a few days and then sets up another date. He isn't desperate or pushy or PUA.

 

Nice guy = Sees a girl he likes. Instead of chatting her up (i.e. how's your day?), he just stares and follows her around. If she dare speak to him, he literally runs away. To get close, he becomes an "orbiter". He's the guy she runs to to talk about other guys she's seeing and/or are breaking her heart. Nice guy becomes her slave. He offers money, help with her bills, carry her books, etc.

 

Gentleman = Sees girl he likes, he approaches. Not too strong and/or with cheesey pick up lines - but something casual like "Oh, do you have the time?" And, takes it from there. If she approaches him, he goes with it. Gentleman, the day he sees he's investing time and attention and they still haven't gone on a date and/or kissed - he's out. He may do something for her once or twice (i.e. change a popped tire for her, treat her to lunch), but he doesn't become her errand boy or emotional sponge.

 

Hope I explained this well

Edited January 6, 2017 by Gloria25

[SoulCat]

I just don't appreciate her thinking I didn't exist and acting like a damn snob when she saw was my waitress.

 

 

You said she was in your class in middle school right? Unless you were good friends back then, do you really expect her to remember you over a decade later?

She may not ever really have noticed you back then, so she would have no clue who you are today.

 

Good news though, since your behaviour and attitude towards her was most definitely of the jerk variety, women should now come flocking to your door. In droves.

[bradt93]

You said she was in your class in middle school right? Unless you were good friends back then, do you really expect her to remember you over a decade later?

She may not ever really have noticed you back then, so she would have no clue who you are today.

 

Good news though, since your behaviour and attitude towards her was most definitely of the jerk variety, women should now come flocking to your door. In droves.

She did notice me back then and she would always touch me in computer class.

[SoulCat]

my family members aren't jerks and please don't bring them into this.

 

 

Uhm, okay. So how do you square that statement with:

 

 

As I stand my previous points, women only like jerks. Thanks for proving me right.

 

 

I'll help you out.

Your 'theory' is a crock of bull.

 

You're just butthurt that a girl you went to school with over a decade ago didn't recognise you when she waited on your table....

Conveniently forgetting that you omitted to make any attempt at a conversation with her to perhaps jog her memory.

 

And all that is the fault of 'women'....

 

I suggest you grow up a bit.

[elaine567]

I just don't appreciate her thinking I didn't exist and acting like a damn snob when she saw was my waitress.

 

Did she see you though?

I have waitressed and if busy it is all about orders, food, drinks, numbers and the kitchen. You try to get it all done accurately and efficiently, whilst smiling pleasantly and solving customer problems.

People rarely come into focus apart from maybe the guy in the red shirt on table 2 who says his steak is cold or the woman with the grey hair on table 3 who left a huge tip... otherwise everyone else is just a big blur.

In that situation you needed to say Hi and grab her attention if you wanted her to notice you.

[bradt93]

Uhm, okay. So how do you square that statement with:

 

 

 

 

 

I'll help you out.

Your 'theory' is a crock of bull.

 

You're just butthurt that a girl you went to school with over a decade ago didn't recognise you when she waited on your table....

Conveniently forgetting that you omitted to make any attempt at a conversation with her to perhaps jog her memory.

 

And all that is the fault of 'women'....

 

I suggest you grow up a bit.

Maybe she should grow up a little bit.

[bradt93]

Did she see you though?

I have waitressed and if busy it is all about orders, food, drinks, numbers and the kitchen. You try to get it all done accurately and efficiently, whilst smiling pleasantly and solving customer problems.

People rarely come into focus apart from maybe the guy in the red shirt on table 2 who says his steak is cold or the woman with the grey hair on table 3 who left a huge tip... otherwise everyone else is just a big blur.

In that situation you needed to say Hi and grab her attention if you wanted her to notice you.

She looked right at me and I'm thinking what did I do to this woman? not anything that I know of and that was before I didn't leave her a tip. It actually hurt my feelings a little bit, I'm not going to lie.