Marriage Troubles

[EternalPatriot]

So my situation is mainly a two-part question where I’m not really sure where to turn or what action I should take at this point. I apologize up front for the length of my comments here but I wanted to not only make sure I covered everything for the best answer possible but also to help me focus on my feelings as well. With that, here goes…

 

I’ve been married now for over 10 years and I’ll honestly state that most of that time has been great! Unfortunately, this all began to change about three years ago and now I I’m uncertain if life will ever go back to the way it used to be.

 

First Problem – I want a Wife, not a Roommate.

 

For most of our marriage, we were very close. Our relationship was passionate, exciting, and romantic (even with children trying to burn the house down all the time). For the last long while, I feel like our marriage has become more of a co-habitation with basic levels of familiarization. I don’t feel like I have a wife, just a roommate who I happen to have children with. We don’t do things together anymore. We don’t really even talk much anymore. At night, there is little more than a “goodnight” followed by her rolling over and then silence. I don’t even know the last time she even showed the slightest interest in something as simple as a kiss. Sex in our relationship is nonexistent even though I have made several attempts to spark her interest. I often wonder, late into the night, why I ever even got married. While I see her every day, I have never felt more alone. And, while there are other serious problems within the marriage (explained below), I have tried everything I can think of to try and bring some semblance of passion back into our lives. In each case, I have failed.

 

I see other friends and how happy they are in their relationship and while I’m pleased for them, I’m also terribly heartbroken. Not long ago I happened to notice a short conversation a friend of mine was having with his wife and it amazed me how much love and admiration they both had for each other. I wish my wife could look at me as my friend’s does towards him.

Second Problem – Health and Fitness.

 

My wife and I have always been extremely motivated and active people. For me, this comes from being a career Soldier and someone who is passionate about living a healthy lifestyle. Before we were married, I made it very clear of my thoughts of personal fitness and while I’ll openly admit it’s probably a shallow point of view, I frankly detest obese people. In the military, a commander is responsible for assessing another Soldier’s personal fitness and determining what actions will be taken should they not maintain required standards. In all of these cases I dealt with, these Soldiers held a vast array of excuses which ultimately ended with them either not being personally motivated or simply too lazy. As such, I separated them from military service.

 

For that reason, it is extremely difficult for me to accept the situation where my wife currently finds herself. She is significantly overweight and as such, is now experiencing a growing list of medical (physical and emotional) conditions which are directly related to her choices. I have offered many times to help her with her training, offered to cook the meals, helped direct her to exercise programs that she would enjoy, etc. In each case, she began the process for a short while and then returned to her previous lifestyle without really ever putting in any serious effort.

 

Several months ago, she informed me that she had a binge eating problem and began seeking advice from a professional. However, her lifestyle and eating habits have not changed at all. She also began attending an addiction recovery program but didn’t continue with it.

 

My concern is that I fully understand that people can change due to only two situations:

 

1. They feel compelled by an outside force and so they make token changes to appease the situation while never really changing the core personality or belief system.

 

2. They feel a real desire to become more than they were the day before and as such, make a stern determination to change who they are.

 

As such, people only really change if they WANT to.

 

As it stands now, I’m tired of pretending neither of these issues bother me. I’ve mostly ignored the weight gain until lately as I simply wanted a close relationship more than a “trophy wife.” I’ve not really said much of anything about either of these issuers to her and have tried to play the role of the always understanding husband as I simply don’t want to hurt her feelings. I have always thought that as intelligent as she is, she would figure out there is a problem and take steps to resolve it. I know she is concerned about her weight as she’s mentioned it several times before but I don’t believe she has any real idea our relationship itself is void of what a marriage should be.

 

I don’t want a divorce. I just want my wife back again.

 

I’m tired of living like this.

[Popsicle]

You have to at least tell her the first problem and what you want. A wife who still loves you would be open to this, not to mention she might want it too. You can work together on this. Communication.

 

Have you tried marriage counseling? Are you open to that?

[EternalPatriot]

You have to at least tell her the first problem and what you want. A wife who still loves you would be open to this, not to mention she might want it too. You can work together on this. Communication.

 

Have you tried marriage counseling? Are you open to that?

 

You're probably right on the communication aspect. As a type-A personality, it's not especially a great skill that I posses. I'm mainly afraid to discuss this with her out of the concern of only making thing worse.

 

As for the counseling, we did when we first got married as it was something she wanted in order to build a strong marriage. I'll be honest in saying that I have never had respect for the field. I once heard that counseling doesn't really help you find a resolution to a problem, simply the ability to better deal with the problem you have.

[hannahph]

I agree that first of all, you need to communicate with her. I know communication is so key in my marriage and helps us a lot. She probably has no idea what you're feeling and seems to need your support with her eating problems as well. Physical aspects of a marriage are important as well as the emotional aspects, and your wife probably needs to talk about it too. It might be scary to start talking about these uncomfortable issues, but you two have a deep bond of ten years of marriage which is beautiful! I believe any marriage can be healed with some love, empathy, and healthy communication.

[enddeck]

Did you not get the answers that you wanted when you posted the same question on the talk about marriage forum this morning.

[EternalPatriot]

I agree that first of all, you need to communicate with her. I know communication is so key in my marriage and helps us a lot. She probably has no idea what you're feeling and seems to need your support with her eating problems as well. Physical aspects of a marriage are important as well as the emotional aspects, and your wife probably needs to talk about it too. It might be scary to start talking about these uncomfortable issues, but you two have a deep bond of ten years of marriage which is beautiful! I believe any marriage can be healed with some love, empathy, and healthy communication.

 

 

This is actually really good advice and honestly, something I'm afraid to do myself. We talk, but like you mentioned, we don't really communicate all that well. Bringing up a difficult conversation is something we tend to avoid.

[EternalPatriot]

Did you not get the answers that you wanted when you posted the same question on the talk about marriage forum this morning.

 

Honestly, I just posted my concerns to any relevant site I could find in hopes of getting as many different responses as possible. When you're searching for information, anything and everything you get from others is helpful in some way.

[submart]

Your wife has a food addiction as she told you. Good for her for starting the long and brutal process of treatment. However, nothing is going to change over night.

 

She knows she has a problem with her weight. And yes, she knows you are turned off. This is probably why she has trouble with any sort of intimacy with you.

 

I really hope she continues seeing her psychologist.

 

But you can do the following:

1. Attend a support group for family members of those with food addictions. There may be some online.

2. Arrange for a weekly date night where you two can talk and do something fun.

3. Not push sex, but rather initiate intimate loving conversations.

4. Consider exercising together. Maybe go on a family walk every evening.

 

Good luck!

[Whoknew30]

Dealing with any addiction is hard...food is no different.

 

I agree with the above post that, you should speak to others about the addiction part of it but it is ok to let your wife know, that outcome of her addiction is affecting your marriage & you. How will she k ow if you don't tell her?

 

Most men are scared to say something but if she's owning her addiction, then you have the right as her spouse to let her know how her choices don't just affect her.

 

If you can't really have a heart to heart with her, than you're not really working on the marriage yourself. If things don't change after that, then you can cross that bridge when you come to it...but you won't even make it to the bridge if you don't even take a step. Good luck.

[Popsicle]

You're probably right on the communication aspect. As a type-A personality, it's not especially a great skill that I posses. I'm mainly afraid to discuss this with her out of the concern of only making thing worse.

 

As for the counseling, we did when we first got married as it was something she wanted in order to build a strong marriage. I'll be honest in saying that I have never had respect for the field. I once heard that counseling doesn't really help you find a resolution to a problem, simply the ability to better deal with the problem you have.

 

To be clear, I wasn't talking about Problem #2, I was only talking about Problem #1. I think the two problems should not be combined or merged. They are two separate issues and both should be addressed separately. You may be able to fix #1 but not #2. I don't know. I don't have much advice for #2 but you should talk to her about #1.

 

The counselors can help you both communicate in the right away and UNDERSTAND each others perspective and the effects the problems have on the other and help with finding a solution together in order to save your marriage. I never had respect for the field either but I have had a change of heart recently.

 

This is actually really good advice and honestly, something I'm afraid to do myself. We talk, but like you mentioned, we don't really communicate all that well. Bringing up a difficult conversation is something we tend to avoid.

 

That's where a counselor can help.

Edited January 5, 2017 by Popsicle

[Mr. Lucky]

And, while there are other serious problems within the marriage (explained below), I have tried everything I can think of to try and bring some semblance of passion back into our lives. In each case, I have failed.

 

Hard to believe the two issues aren't connected. I'd guess she senses - or you've told her directly - your disapproval or stronger regarding her weight.

 

Doubt she finds the mindset very motivating in the bedroom.

 

Tough set of circumstances all around...

 

Mr. Lucky