Is my ex in denial about his feelings for me? Would like to hear a male perspective

January 4, 2017

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to seek some advice on a painful break-up I went through recently, and would be particularly interested to hear some feedback from a guy's perspective.

To cut a long story short:

I was with my ex for seven months after us being close friends for nine months before we got together. After some initial hesitation on his part (he was unsure about getting into a relationship last year as he wanted to focus on career), he confessed he had feelings for me and said he wanted to go out with me.

After that came an amazing seven months during which we grew incredibly close, and he was an absolute gentleman treated me amazingly, like no other man has done before. Many of his actions suggested he was committed and in this for the long haul e.g. introducing me to his parents and close friends, asking me to be his girlfriend, saying he'd never felt the same way for another woman, making plans for the future and even going on holiday together abroad. But it was during this holiday that things started going horribly pear-shaped...

The first week was amazing, it was the closest we'd ever been in our relationship. We spent a lot of time enjoying eachother's company and exploring Madrid without a care in the world. That was the week in which we admitted for the first time that we were in love with one another.But during the second week, his behaviour was quite erratic. He confessed that he was feeling stressed about work as his last contract ended earlier that month and he wasn't quite sure what to do next with his life. He then suggested that it would be best for us to spend "some time apart" so he could get some headspace - even suggesting that I should go home early. After telling him that this request was unfair and unreasonable, he backtracked and apologised profusely, and agreed that I should stay until the end of our break. After this, things went "back to normal" and he was his usual cheery loving self. On the flight home, he showered me with affection, saying he loved me and couldn't wait for our next trip together.

So fast forward to the next day...I received an email from him saying that he didn't see a future in our relationship. He explained that he was feeling really insecure about his job situation, and that he was worried about being a failure. He told me not to contact him, until he "figured out what to do" with his life. I frantically messaged him explaining that this wasn't fair, and that we should talk it out, but he never responded and proceeded to block off all contact with me. So, over the next two months he went back to Spain to do some soul-searching, and during this time we had zero contact. All the while, I was left completely heartbroken, depressed and going insane trying to rationalise his actions. Those two months were undoubtedly the most dark and horrendous period I have experienced in my adult life. It took me a good month and a half to rebuild my self-esteem and sense of worth. This is the man I adored and treated like the centre of my universe for seven-plus months, giving him nothing but love and support, especially with his career issues.

So he got back to England the other week, I emailed to say that we needed to meet up and discuss the situation like adults - to which he agreed. The meeting itself was pretty gut-wrenching. He basically explained how sorry he was for his actions and that they were unacceptable, and that he never meant to hurt me. I was completely disgusted with him because his response didn't sound at all heartfelt, it sounded incredibly rehearsed and lacked genuine sincerity. I demanded that he properly explain why he ended things so coldly over email, to which he kept saying it was due to his insecurities and not feeling "man enough". I told him that this was ridiculous, as he is more of a man than most others I've met, but he refused to listen. He then went on to explain that he needed to be by himself and that in times of stress his normal reaction is to shut people out completely. He went on to explain that he's lost several friends in the past by doing this, to which I said that this was incredibly unhealthy and that he needed to seek professional help, otherwise he would continue going down a very self-destructive path. All he could say to this is "I'm fine. This is how I cope". But he didn't look at all fine. He looked completely broken and helpless. I couldn't help but pity him.

We spent another couple of hours talking about things, and he spent the entire time staring down at the table, tears streaming down his face and not once looking me in the eye even once. To add insult to injury, he then said that he loved me "as a friend" and that he was simply able to switch off the romantic love he had for me just like that. I just don't understand how you go from adoring someone and treating them like the centre of your universe to shutting them out like a complete stranger. Devastated by this, I said "how dare you for leading me on this whole time. There's no way you could have loved me, no man would treat a woman he loves like this". He kept insisting that he genuinely did fall in love with me, but that things just changed during that second week of the holiday, when he started getting more anxious about his career stuff. He said that he was simply able to switch off these feelings, just like that. I asked him if he even thought once about how much pain he put me through during those to months, to which he nonchalantly replied "of course I did. I wouldn't be here otherwise".

So it ended on a really gut-wrenching note. He held my hands really tightly and started caressing them in the same way he used to when we were together. He finally looked me in the eye and said he hoped we could meet again in a few months time, and it was too soon now, as there were obviously still "strong feelings between us". So basically completely contradicting his earlier statement about just switching off his feelings. As we parted, he held me tightly and hugged me for ages, breaking into a fit of tears. He then started stroking my hair, and kissed me on the lips three times before telling me to take care.

Since this happened, I've been in a state of complete shock, confusion and anger. I hate him for the hurt he's caused me and his complete seeming lack of genuine sincerity in his apology. I understand that he's not in the right place for a relationship at the moment as he's clearly very emotionally damaged, but why is he treating me so coldly? Also, a question for guys out there: do you think he's in denial about his feelings of love for me, hence his inability to look me in the eye and request for complete distance?

Any advice/guidance would be hugely appreciated.

Many thanks

January 4, 2017

Some men think (learned thinking) that they have to have a "careerr" and money in order to Be a man, and they couldn't be more wrong, a man able to catch a fish or discuss politics or whatever, who knows things and Is intelligent and selfconfident is a MAN sexy man:) so wake up men, a feminine attractive loving woman wants a man she can feel protected by because he wants to spend time with her:) sorry for replying I'm not a man:(

January 4, 2017

Some men think (learned thinking) that they have to have a "careerr" and money in order to Be a man, and they couldn't be more wrong, a man able to catch a fish or discuss politics or whatever, who knows things and Is intelligent and selfconfident is a MAN sexy man:) so wake up men, a feminine attractive loving woman wants a man she can feel protected by because he wants to spend time with her:) sorry for replying I'm not a man:(

Hi Noideanow, thanks for your reply

You took the words right out of my mind. Before this happened, he was the most amazing, loving and compassionate man I've ever been out with, and it saddens me so much that he can't see his worth. I fell in love with his mind and his kind heart, not his flipping wallet or job. He could be cleaning streets for all I care! Slight digression, but yes, some guys do need to wake up and realise this!

January 4, 2017

Some men think (learned thinking) that they have to have a "careerr" and money in order to Be a man, and they couldn't be more wrong, a man able to catch a fish or discuss politics or whatever, who knows things and Is intelligent and selfconfident is a MAN sexy man:) so wake up men, a feminine attractive loving woman wants a man she can feel protected by because he wants to spend time with her:) sorry for replying I'm not a man:(

Hi Noideanow, thanks for your reply

You took the words right out of my mind. Before this happened, he was the most amazing, loving and compassionate man I've ever been out with, and it saddens me so much that he can't see his worth. I fell in love with his mind and his kind heart, not his flipping wallet or job. He could be cleaning streets for all I care! Slight digression, but yes, some guys do need to wake up and realise this!

January 4, 2017

Yeah this way we can hopefully shed a Little light on those misunderstandings in our societies, the other day i saw a man that could Make me dream a Little, He was a postman:cool: No other man in his big car or expensive clothes made an impression like the happy postman:) Hope you get some replyes from men here too,

January 4, 2017

I'm not a man, but my impression is that he's not in denial about his feelings, but he feels bad that he doesn't have those feelings anymore and that he treated you poorly.

Yes, it was hurtful and he could have treated this breakup much more maturely. But the fact that he didn't do so speaks volumes about him and his character. For him to have suggested in the middle of your holiday that you needed to leave is awful. Think about what all of this says about his ability to be in a mature relationship. He was hesitant from the beginning and he's already backed away after just a few months together. Not good.

He is right, he can't give you what you want. You're not asking for too much, to be clear. He just isn't in a place to be a present, engaged and loving boyfriend. No amount of talking it through or demanding answers is going to change that.

I would work on healing and closing this chapter, OP. He's not going to suddenly change back into the guy he was. It sounds like he's got a lot of issues to sort through and unfortunately doesn't want to be a boyfriend at all. His actions support this. Let him go. Take it from a lady who'd been down a similar path!

January 4, 2017

I was in this place once with a guy. It went down almost the exact same way, with a career crisis (only in my case he got a new job rather than losing one) and him unable to cope with the stress and his ~incredibly powerful feelings for me~ at once. Yes, there were many years and hugs on his part and sobs that he would always love me, that we would likely be together again someday, etc. That breakup is still one of the most traumatic things I've ever experienced.

Do you think his heart bore the scars of our separation forever? Please. Not even four months later he hooked back up with the love of his life and they're married now.

Here's a terrible life lesson: when someone genuinely wants to be with you, they don't let you go. Either a new woman or a new potential total life (or both) has come up on his radar and he is more interested in pursuing those than being with you. Above all, anyone over the age of 20 who cries and blubbers about how much they adore you while breaking up isn't truly in love, they're just immature and don't want to seem like a bad guy.

He is not coming back now or ever. Let this one go and set yourself to moving on. If I had made a genuine effort to move on, rather than spend nearly a year lost in confusion and torment, I would have saved myself a lot of self-inflicted psychological damage (not to mention hundreds in therapy bills!).

January 4, 2017

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to seek some advice on a painful break-up I went through recently, and would be particularly interested to hear some feedback from a guy's perspective.

To cut a long story short:

I was with my ex for seven months after us being close friends for nine months before we got together. After some initial hesitation on his part (he was unsure about getting into a relationship last year as he wanted to focus on career), he confessed he had feelings for me and said he wanted to go out with me.

After that came an amazing seven months during which we grew incredibly close, and he was an absolute gentleman treated me amazingly, like no other man has done before. Many of his actions suggested he was committed and in this for the long haul e.g. introducing me to his parents and close friends, asking me to be his girlfriend, saying he'd never felt the same way for another woman, making plans for the future and even going on holiday together abroad. But it was during this holiday that things started going horribly pear-shaped...

The first week was amazing, it was the closest we'd ever been in our relationship. We spent a lot of time enjoying eachother's company and exploring Madrid without a care in the world. That was the week in which we admitted for the first time that we were in love with one another.But during the second week, his behaviour was quite erratic. He confessed that he was feeling stressed about work as his last contract ended earlier that month and he wasn't quite sure what to do next with his life. He then suggested that it would be best for us to spend "some time apart" so he could get some headspace - even suggesting that I should go home early. After telling him that this request was unfair and unreasonable, he backtracked and apologised profusely, and agreed that I should stay until the end of our break. After this, things went "back to normal" and he was his usual cheery loving self. On the flight home, he showered me with affection, saying he loved me and couldn't wait for our next trip together.

So fast forward to the next day...I received an email from him saying that he didn't see a future in our relationship. He explained that he was feeling really insecure about his job situation, and that he was worried about being a failure. He told me not to contact him, until he "figured out what to do" with his life. I frantically messaged him explaining that this wasn't fair, and that we should talk it out, but he never responded and proceeded to block off all contact with me. So, over the next two months he went back to Spain to do some soul-searching, and during this time we had zero contact. All the while, I was left completely heartbroken, depressed and going insane trying to rationalise his actions. Those two months were undoubtedly the most dark and horrendous period I have experienced in my adult life. It took me a good month and a half to rebuild my self-esteem and sense of worth. This is the man I adored and treated like the centre of my universe for seven-plus months, giving him nothing but love and support, especially with his career issues.

So he got back to England the other week, I emailed to say that we needed to meet up and discuss the situation like adults - to which he agreed. The meeting itself was pretty gut-wrenching. He basically explained how sorry he was for his actions and that they were unacceptable, and that he never meant to hurt me. I was completely disgusted with him because his response didn't sound at all heartfelt, it sounded incredibly rehearsed and lacked genuine sincerity. I demanded that he properly explain why he ended things so coldly over email, to which he kept saying it was due to his insecurities and not feeling "man enough". I told him that this was ridiculous, as he is more of a man than most others I've met, but he refused to listen. He then went on to explain that he needed to be by himself and that in times of stress his normal reaction is to shut people out completely. He went on to explain that he's lost several friends in the past by doing this, to which I said that this was incredibly unhealthy and that he needed to seek professional help, otherwise he would continue going down a very self-destructive path. All he could say to this is "I'm fine. This is how I cope". But he didn't look at all fine. He looked completely broken and helpless. I couldn't help but pity him.

We spent another couple of hours talking about things, and he spent the entire time staring down at the table, tears streaming down his face and not once looking me in the eye even once. To add insult to injury, he then said that he loved me "as a friend" and that he was simply able to switch off the romantic love he had for me just like that. I just don't understand how you go from adoring someone and treating them like the centre of your universe to shutting them out like a complete stranger. Devastated by this, I said "how dare you for leading me on this whole time. There's no way you could have loved me, no man would treat a woman he loves like this". He kept insisting that he genuinely did fall in love with me, but that things just changed during that second week of the holiday, when he started getting more anxious about his career stuff. He said that he was simply able to switch off these feelings, just like that. I asked him if he even thought once about how much pain he put me through during those to months, to which he nonchalantly replied "of course I did. I wouldn't be here otherwise".

So it ended on a really gut-wrenching note. He held my hands really tightly and started caressing them in the same way he used to when we were together. He finally looked me in the eye and said he hoped we could meet again in a few months time, and it was too soon now, as there were obviously still "strong feelings between us". So basically completely contradicting his earlier statement about just switching off his feelings. As we parted, he held me tightly and hugged me for ages, breaking into a fit of tears. He then started stroking my hair, and kissed me on the lips three times before telling me to take care.

Since this happened, I've been in a state of complete shock, confusion and anger. I hate him for the hurt he's caused me and his complete seeming lack of genuine sincerity in his apology. I understand that he's not in the right place for a relationship at the moment as he's clearly very emotionally damaged, but why is he treating me so coldly? Also, a question for guys out there: do you think he's in denial about his feelings of love for me, hence his inability to look me in the eye and request for complete distance?

Any advice/guidance would be hugely appreciated.

Many thanks

He isn't in denial, he got real with himself and you. HE HAS NOT CHANGED:

(he was unsure about getting into a relationship last year as he wanted to focus on career)

He is still the same guy you started dating.

He then went on to explain that he needed to be by himself and that in times of stress his normal reaction is to shut people out completely. -- This is not a person who is able to maintain a relationship. They are very hot and cold. And, they do this over and over again. It's a very lonely and painful existence for the partner of a person like this.

Even emotionally healthy people push others away at times, but it's just for a day or two tops, not the lengths this guy does.

People who are dealing with stress and have too much on their plate, will get a bigger plate, not push their partner off the plate.

why is he treating me so coldly? -- Because he is cold . . . this is who he is. He knows he's not capable of being a good partner for anyone. He can do it for a while until . . . he can't anymore. He wants and needs the company of a woman, to have his needs met, but he knows he can't be what she needs, at least not for very long.

You have dodged a big bullet here. Be happy for that. This man is incapable of being a good partner to anyone. You go no contact and maintain it -- strictly. Otherwise, you will find yourself doing a dance with him for a really long time.

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Is my ex in denial about his feelings for me? Would like to hear a male perspective

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