I don't want to leave him with a bad impression of me

[VivienneL]

Hi

Just need some advice really.

 

Met a nice guy a couple of weeks ago and he flirted like mad, just would not leave me alone. We kissed but left it at that.

Could not stop thinking about him so tracked him down and called him. He made some excuses and I said I understood and to forget I rang, but he said he would find some time to come and be with me, but had already agreed to a date so was going on that first and would call me.

 

Anyway I texted him to see how his date went but he responded that it was a week later, so I asked him by text to let me know how it went, and not to worry if it went well but let me know. Anyway date day went past and no news, left it a few days and sent a message asking him if it went well, and said I was texting him as I thought he might be inappropriate to text me. Told him he could call me if he wanted to or if not hope he has a good life.

 

He rang, said his date was okay and he was lining up another. Said that I could continue texting if I wanted to but that he could not think of having a relationship whilst he was pursuing this other lady. I told him I just wanted an answer from him regarding me and that as he was happy with this other lady then I was happ for him. He then mentioned that he had been on the dating scene for a while and it might not work out, although he was giving it a go and who knows but maybe he could ring me in the new year.

 

Anyway we left it that we would be just friends and he said to call anytime, but why would he not just cut me off?

Any advise greatly appreciated

Edited January 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs and moved to Infidelity ~6

[joseb]

I can't imagine telling anyone I was remotely interested in that I was arranging another date. It's like rubbing it in their face.

Drop him, he's got close to zero interest in you.

[smackie9]

Basically all he was interested in that first night was to just get in your pants, but didn't succeed and that should have been the end of it, but you chased him down instead....he passively gave you the bums rush by telling you about his other date and crap thinking that would give you a hint he wasn't interested...but it went right over your head because you don't know how to read between the lines. Not very often do people have the ballz to reject someone bluntly......

[VivienneL]

Thank you both for your input. I guess I can see this but cannot understand why he is saying call or text, when it would be so much easier for him not to?

[bachdude]

Thank you both for your input. I guess I can see this but cannot understand why he is saying call or text, when it would be so much easier for him not to?

 

I wouldn't put any hope in that he said you can call anytime or he might get around to calling you in the new year. It doesn't mean he is interested. At best, he is trying to be "nice".

 

He is arrange dates with two other people. If he were interested, he would be arranging a date with you. He is throwing you a crumb, "who knows but maybe I could ring you in the new year."

 

Guys who are interested will go out of their way to be around you, rearrange their schedules, and try to impress you.

 

He is only saying, MAYBE he will grace you will a call in the new year. MAYBE.

[VivienneL]

Thank you Bach dude. He did seem a nice guy. Onwards and upwards!

[VivienneL]

I have made such a mess of things.

 

I am married but no happily so for a few years. I met a guy a month ago and he really flirted with me. (Posted about this previously). I was really attracted to him and kissed him but no further.

 

A week later I tracked him down as could not bear to not see him again.

 

Anyway to cut a long story short, we agreed to be friends and I initiated text messages but he always responded.

 

He is such a great guy, and I really fell for him.

 

A couple of times I have been unsure about texting him as I wondered why he wanted to and did not want him to be obligated to me but he was okay with it, he knew I had a big crush on him but he said he did not feel uncomfortable with it.

 

He had just started a new relationship, exactly the time I first contacted.

 

It all went wrong at New Year. My husband decided that after four years of sleeping on the settee that he would join me in bed. I was very anxious as it was not what I wanted as this year was going to be a make or break year for me with regards to him.

 

I contacted my friend and asked his opinion on it, and he gave me some good advice, I went back to him but he was in the shower, so I was a bit persistant. I thought I had upset him with my question as he is a divorce and I was out of my mind with worry. After a couple of hours and me texting saying I was sorry if I had upset him, it was nice knowing him, sorry and goodbye, he came back and told me maybe I should give it another go with my husband, that he was with his girlfriend and that we could speak later if I still wanted to talk to him.

 

I was annoyed, as I was really stressed out and asked him why he always comes back to me as soon as I suggest breaking contact. His response was that I don't give him time to respond to texts. I did feel manipulated and suggested that he was treating me like a sixteen year old. He responded saying that my statement did not warrant a response.

 

I then went back and said that I thought he was with his girlfriend, and that maybe she should step it up a bit so that he would not feel the need to talk to me. I then text to say that I doubted that he had a girlfriend, not that he could not get one, as he is a great guy, but I felt that she had conveniently came along when I did and maybe he was keeping me at arms length.

 

I apologised but he did not respond. Later that night a sent a long text telling him I felt ashamed of myself as he had always been nice to me and I would understand if he did not want to talk again.

 

The next day I had to go to work, my husband was due to drop me into London, but he was tired and I did not want to risk it so I called a cab. My husband drove off in a huff at 6am in the morning, so another day started badly.

 

I tried to call my friend around 1pm but no response, I did not want to go home as it was bad there too.

 

I went to a pub and bombarded my friend with text messages, nothing needy just trying to cheer him up. No response.

 

I rung him a couple of times, and finally got through. He was annoyed to say the least as he had been out with his girlfriend and she was not impressed by all the text messages I had been sending. I told him that I had wanted to cheer him up but he said it was annoying. He also said I had been rude with my comment about his girlfriend and that he had thought I was nice but I was not behaving like a friend at all. I asked him if he had read my text apologising, he had. I could not disagree with anything he had said, so I told him that I was deleting his number and he did not have to worry but I would not text him again.

 

I deleted his number shortly after.

 

I feel a kind of relief as I always wanted more than he could give me, and I don't think I could have sustained the texting as a friend, as I would always be wondering if he still wanted me to or not. That night was the first night I had a good nights sleep in all the time I knew him.

 

I am so lost now though as if he does remember me, I don't want him to remember the bad thing about me. We had a couple of good conversations and I confided in him.

 

I am going between bouts of forget him to being on the verge of tears.

 

I am not a bad person, I was just having a bad time. Any suggestions greatly appreciated.

thanks

[Redhead14]

[]

 

I don't really understand what kind of "suggestions" you're seeking. The bottom line is that you embarrassed yourself by chasing a man and disrespecting your marriage and his relationship.

 

I did feel manipulated and suggested that he was treating me like a sixteen year old -- Have you ever heard the phrase "You teach people how to treat you"? You were behaving like a love-sick 16 year old and so, he treated you that way.

 

The only suggestion I can give you is to end the relationship with your husband and become a secure, independent, non-attention seeking, desperate woman who compromises her dignity, knowing full well what she was doing.

 

You cannot undo what's been done. All you can do is learn from the experience and in the future use the insight you've gained from it and you now have the real ability to use forward thinking and consider consequences of behavior before you leap and stop sabotaging your life.

Edited January 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[smackie9]

Agree with above post....there isn't anymore to say here.

[VivienneL]

Thank you for your input Redhead.

 

I think you might be misjudging me.

 

I am not an attention seeker, far from it.

 

I was not sure that he had a girlfriend, as I had stated, and as for my marriage, I may had disrespected it in this instance but I have always put 110% in, I felt really bad in wanting this other person, but wanting him was a symptom of my bad marriage and not the cause.

 

I fell for this guy and am devastated that I have upset him. I would not want to upset my worst enemy let alone someone who I cared about.

 

I cannot text him anymore but wondered whether I should send him a letter in a month or so.

 

To be honest I fell really sick about the whole thing.

 

Thank you for your response though. I am just wondering what people on here would like to hear if they were him?

[angel.eyes]

I am not a bad person, I was just having a bad time. Any suggestions greatly appreciated.

thanks

I'm curious what your definition of a bad person is.

 

Anyway, for starters divorce your husband. You have about as much regard for him as that couch he's had to sleep on for the last four years. He tries to start the New Year off on a better foot, and you try to shove him right back on the couch so that you can hide out in the marital bedroom texting sweet nothings and seeking marital advice:rolleyes: from your cheating quasi-boyfriend. You're unconcerned that your husband got up to drive you somewhere at 6 am and is a little miffed that you ditched him for a cab. All you can think about is whether your "friend" thinks poorly of you after your catty texts.

 

What he thinks is the least of your problems. Why are you still with your husband?

[Redhead14]

Thank you for your input Redhead.

 

I think you might be misjudging me.

 

I am not an attention seeker, far from it.

 

I was not sure that he had a girlfriend, as I had stated, and as for my marriage, I may had disrespected it in this instance but I have always put 110% in, I felt really bad in wanting this other person, but wanting him was a symptom of my bad marriage and not the cause.

 

I fell for this guy and am devastated that I have upset him. I would not want to upset my worst enemy let alone someone who I cared about.

 

I cannot text him anymore but wondered whether I should send him a letter in a month or so.

 

To be honest I fell really sick about the whole thing.

 

Thank you for your response though. I am just wondering what people on here would like to hear if they were him?

 

I am not judging you. I am giving you the hard truths. That is not judgement.

 

but I have always put 110% in -- Which is likely the reason you're feeling less than fulfilled. Never give more than you receive in a relationship. When that happens, it's unbalanced. Either you sit down with your husband and work out an agreement whereby both of you decide to really start focusing on the relationship and whether or not the two of you want to continue it and hear what each of you needs from each other, or you simply file for divorce and move on.

 

I am just wondering what people on here would like to hear if they were him? -- Given what you've told us about him and his attitude, I am telling you that if you say anything else via any form whatsoever, you will likely piss him off even more.

 

Like I said, you cannot unring a bell. If you think that by saying more is going to "unembarrass" yourself, it ain't gonna happen. You'll just be the "crazy girl" who kept chasing him.

 

would like to hear if they were him? - If I were him I'd like to hear SILENCE.

[ShatteredLady]

There's a play named "Unrequited Love is a Bore". It's a gay play (very good) but the title says it all.

 

I recently had a request to be a "friend" to my ex of 26 YEARS! It was nice to catch-up for a few emails. We talked about movies & books. All nice. Then I didn't respond to one of his emails for a day (I've got a life!) & he started bombarding me with emails. Emotional manipulation. Telling me how I thought & how I felt. It was offensive! Then it became a bore!

 

I'm not being heartless. If I wasn't experiencing this I might have more sympathy for you. You are NOT his "friend". You're using that as an excuse to continue your imaginary, one sided love affair just like my ex.

 

Stop this! Get your own life in order. Whatever your husband has done wrong he's been punished enough. Let the poor man go. Then you can BOTH get a life.

[VivienneL]

Angel Eyes. My husband chose to sleep on the couch for four years. I begged him on occasion to come to bed, but he did not want to talk about it.

 

I did not let him drive me to work as he had just woken up and I did not want him to crash killing both of us on the way there or him only on the way back. What was so bad about that? Maybe that would not have bothered you? He stormed out of the house as he does frequently as a punishment. I had had enough.

 

I did not just try to speak to my friend that day but I came home to have a chat with my husband to let him know that that behaviour from him was not acceptable.

 

My husband ignore me for four years, with no physical contact what-so-ever. No cuddles, no hand holding, flinching from me. He then came to bed on New Years Eve and expected me to just step in line. I needed time which I told him. Needless to say in he early hours of he morning he went back to the couch.

 

People on here are so quick to judge but you don't know what goes on in a marriage.

[BuddyX]

All that you said, still doesn't give you a right to cheat. If it was so bad for so long, how come you didn't divorce?

[Southern Sun]

If your main concern is what he thinks of you, the LAST thing you need to do is to contact him in any way...at all.

 

Complete silence is far more dignified than anything else you've been doing.

 

No judgment. Just do it differently from now on.

[angel.eyes]

Angel Eyes. My husband chose to sleep on the couch for four years. I begged him on occasion to come to bed, but he did not want to talk about it.

 

I did not let him drive me to work as he had just woken up and I did not want him to crash killing both of us on the way there or him only on the way back. What was so bad about that? Maybe that would not have bothered you? He stormed out of the house as he does frequently as a punishment. I had had enough.

 

I did not just try to speak to my friend that day but I came home to have a chat with my husband to let him know that that behaviour from him was not acceptable.

 

My husband ignore me for four years, with no physical contact what-so-ever. No cuddles, no hand holding, flinching from me. He then came to bed on New Years Eve and expected me to just step in line. I needed time which I told him. Needless to say in he early hours of he morning he went back to the couch.

 

People on here are so quick to judge but you don't know what goes on in a marriage.

 

Then why haven't you divorce him? The energy spent chasing after your "friend" should instead be spent filing for divorce if your husband is so horrible and the marriage is as hopeless as you describe. Focus on that first instead of finding new male friends to give you "marital" advice while you flirt and make jealous catty remarks about their girlfriends.

[VivienneL]

Southern Sun - Thank you for your comment. Yes I am not interested in pursuing him anymore, I just feel bad at the way I treated him.

 

BuddyX and Redhead - Me and my husband have always been pretty much independent. We have our own space and do not live in each others pockets. He makes me laugh but he also has mood swings, which are normally aimed at me. I could have put up with that if the intimacy was there. Saying that we are trying to make a go of it now.

[BuddyX]

Southern Sun - Thank you for your comment. Yes I am not interested in pursuing him anymore, I just feel bad at the way I treated him.

 

BuddyX and Redhead - Me and my husband have always been pretty much independent. We have our own space and do not live in each others pockets. He makes me laugh but he also has mood swings, which are normally aimed at me. I could have put up with that if the intimacy was there. Saying that we are trying to make a go of it now.

 

By Kicking him out of the bedroom? Does your hubby know you had an affair? If not, then you're not living independently but rather a lie.

 

Not trying to pick on you, but your initial comment was how badly you treated the OM. You're a married women, there should be no OM period.

Edited January 4, 2017 by BuddyX
Grammar

[sandylee1]

Your marriage sounds awful. Why are you still in it?

 

I mean 4 years on the sofa. No intimacy or affection from him. Im not suprised you weren't interested in him on NYE.

 

He might as well be your roomate.

[DKT3]

Too me your story sounds incomplete, like you've omitted some important details. Why would your husband be so upset about you not wanting a ride? How did you get to work?

[BaileyB]

To each their own... what you have described may be enough for you but it doesn't seem like a very fulfilling marriage. I'm sure that is part of the reason why you became involved in an inappropriate "friendship."

 

If you need intimacy in your marriage and your husband is uninterested, you have some decisions to make. But if I may, stepping outside your marriage to begin an affair with another man is not a good choice. You have to know that, it's not fair to anyone.

 

And, with respect to the OM, silence is golden at this point.

[VivienneL]

DKT3 - Nothing missing from my story. He was due to drive me to work on the 2nd as the trains were not running. He did not come up to bed on the evening of the first as he was probably miffed that I did not just jump straight into his arms. When I woke him on the morning of the second he was very off and could barely keep his eyes open. I told him I would get a cab in as I did not want to risk it. It is bad enough trying to make sure that he does not nod off on the twelve mile journey with me in the car, let alone when he would be returning by himself. He started to get the hump, but I insisted on calling the cab. He left the house and told me to lock up after myself. When the cab came his car had gone. Turning a little thing into a big issue again.

 

So I went to work with crap waiting for me at home and crap with my friend.

 

Not a good day to try to text someone.

[VivienneL]

Sandylee1 and BaileyB

 

Thank you for your input. I am giving it another go this year, for the last time.

 

My marriage is not the worst in the world, he does not beat me or sleep around, and most of the time we get on but as friends.

 

To be honest I really started to feel like leaving about a year ago. I just got fed up of feeling insignificant. When your husband is moody, angry with you and avoids you and then is on the phone to friends as if he has all the time in the world, it's like a knife is being twisted. There is only so much of that you can take.

 

We were on holiday in October with our teenage Son, and a couple of days my husband blew up, upsetting us both. I thought then that I could not go on with this. To be in one of the places in the world that I was so excited to see and have to hear him rant about how angry he was, and then me trying to make the peace as usual..

 

Hopefully it will work out. I did tell him today that I did not like his anger (road rage whilst driving, told him to take a chill pill).

[BaileyB]

 

My marriage is not the worst in the world, he does not beat me or sleep around, and most of the time we get on but as friends.

 

When your husband is moody, angry with you and avoids you and then is on the phone to friends as if he has all the time in the world...

 

I did tell him today that I did not like his anger.

 

This is just my opinion, based on the information you have shared...

 

If the "good things" about your relationship include the fact that he doesn't beat you or sleep around, you really need to raise the bar. While you have described lack of intimacy, we "get along as friends," problems with anger, and poor communication (ie he is moody and gives you the silent treatment when he is unhappy) as the problems of your relationship...

 

At best, what you have shared sounds like he is not much fun to live with... At worst, he is emotionally abusive to you and your son.