I cheated on my wife and she wants to know every detail

[dreamingoftigers]

Why does she want to work through it? Because she's a better person than I am. She won't really talk to me. She texted me this:

 

"Part of me wants the satisfaction of booting you to the curb and to hurt you back. To watch your life fall apart the way mine is. At the end of the day that satisfaction would be short lived and replaced by dissatisfaction. Unlike you, I don't want to hurt my spouse or throw away my marriage like it is meaningless. When I took my vows, I meant them. You may not have, but I did. I promise nothing, but I will fight for this marriage because somewhere in there is the man that I saw my future with. If he's still there, maybe we can get past this. I respect our marriage enough to try before I walk away, I wish you would have granted it the same respect. You didn't, and now you have one last chance to be the man I married."

 

I want to be faithful to her. I will do whatever she wants to show her that I'm serious about this. I want to be the man that she married. I suggested moving back to the USA, the cheating started here in Germany, but she doesn't want to. In her words, she wants privacy to deal with this. I don't think she has told anyone.

 

I know that many marriages fail and reconciling after affairs isn't a great chance. That is no reason to just walk away. I have a wife who is willing to try and I want to as well. I know that I ****ed up, hard. I need to make that up to her and prove myself to her. As much as I cheated, I do still love my wife and want to be with her. It was never about finding someone else.

 

Of course I'd rather not tell her all of the details. I don't want to say it or admit to it, but for her I will. If that's what she needs then I will do it. I don't want to hurt her as much as this will, but I already have. Telling her everything is going to be extremely hard.

 

I'll look up that thread.

 

I've been with my wife for 10 years, married 8. I met her when I was 26. Before my wife I had 8 relationships and I cheated in all of them, except the last one. I blamed it on being a stupid teenager. My last relationship was from 20-23, we had issues but I didn't cheat. I thought it was something that I did as a teenager and wouldn't ever do again.

 

So am I suited to monogamy? I want to be.

 

Right now, my wife knows that it was more than one woman but doesn't know that it was 12 (11 purely sex, 1 relationship). She asked if it was more than one and I said yes. We haven't gone further than that. She doesn't want me to say, she said she wants to do 'one at a time'.

 

Do I just blurt it out even though she doesn't want that?

 

She has always been bothered by the amount of women I've had sex with. Her list is easy: Me. I stopped counting somewhere along the line. If I had to put a number to it, somewhere between 60-80. In my teens and 20's sex came easily to me and I took it. She has always been insecure and lacking confidence in the bedroom because of it. She use to say that she didn't care how many women I was with, as long as I was her last... Now it might be a bigger deal.

 

Interesting. Those are approx my husbands numbers too.

 

If you don't have kids with your wife and she's had no other sexual partners I suggest you let her go. She deserves much better.

[danad00dle]

I didn't even have to read the whole thing before I could understand where she is- she wants full disclosure and she deserves it. You are not entitled to just suddenly up and decide what "she can handle" because guess what, you should have thought about that before you decided to cheat! Well you are beyond that now obviously and now you must, if you want your relationship to heal, tell her the truth. Confess all your sins and yes, it will take her time to recover but guess what, leaking the truth in bits and dabs once revealed later will only bring it all up again.

 

I once read that trickles of truth are like slowly ripping off a band-aid and reopening the wound over and over again because what you don't tell her will slip out eventually and then the feeling of betrayal and mistrust will only sweep over her again and fester while it slowly kills your relationship; she will only feel you lied again even if it was to "protect" her, you are way beyond feeling like you must "protect her feelings" because only she knows what she needs to heal and you are lucky she has even been so kind to have told you. Bandaids are better ripped off in one swift motion then slowly and painfully removed from the wound. Once you have confessed only then can she begin to heal and so will your relationship which you must rebuild from the ground up (you can come out stronger on the other end, it is possible just takes time).

 

I have been through this myself and my husband thought it better to take the trickle approach. I wanted the truth, the full truth, and no matter how bad it hurt it would've been a saving grace compared to having to relive the same feelings over and over as I eventually kept finding out more and more. All his ignorance did was drag it out continually, make it like a living hell for me and he did not "protect" me from anything because he too decided for me what "I could handle" and he was wrong, so very wrong, and because of it, we cannot move on and it continues to drag out every single time I uncover something new.

 

I will tell you this, you can reveal everything and once you do that, do everything to make her feel as comfortable as humanly possible. PROVE to her you want to only be with her and cease all communication with the OW even if they contact you. DO NOT HIDE ANYTHING (cannot stress that enough)! It will feel as if you've lost your freedom for a while but you again, ruined that one for yourself and thus must temporarily be willing to give it up for her sake and her peace of mind. Give her full access to anything and everything, let her conduct her investigation until she can get a grasp and fully process the situation because that is what she is doing, processing what she cannot understand and trying to cope with her life that has been torn apart. She needs to feel even the slightest bit of trust and that starts with you being transparent. FULLY transparent, if the OW contacts you, go straight to your wife and show her as well as show her you do not reply or if you do it is only to request they do not contact you again, you love your wife (that part is very important) and you want to make things work. That is all. No, it's too hard for you and you cannot bare to see them because it hurts too badly or any such nonsense, nothing but you love your wife and you want to make things work and FIRMLY (cannot stress that enough either) establish they are not to contact you under any circumstances. Period.

 

Anything you do will be under scrutiny but again, will not last forever. Slowly but surely she will regain the trust in you and the relationship will heal (there is a 3 month period of these emotions swirling but they will fade). You are the one who caused these problems, keep that in mind, you are the reason this is happening so accept the consequences of your actions and not only show her you want her, prove to her you will do anything to make things right by her!

 

The three month period is very real and what you do in that time will make all the difference, it is good that you sought help and you are making an effort to heal your relationship as that is the first step, I wish you and your wife the best and hope these harsh words will serve as encouragement to help wake you from the fantasy you fell into. I would also propose going to a marriage counselor and if you were to mention and be willing, I believe she would appreciate that as well- don't be discouraged if the first person you go to doesn't work out, try someone else that works for BOTH of you because that is what it will always come down to.

 

One last thing, do not justify anything, especially when it comes to the OW. Prepare for your wife to talk **** to not just you but about the OW. It is easier for spouses to blame the other and not their spouses who betrayed them but you need to accept the blame and also start to accept that it was you and the OW together who disrespected your wife, they do share the blame (not all of it) but they do share it and whatever your wife says while she is hurting, you must do everything to help her through it. Not saying it will be easy but just so you can understand why and where she is coming from.

[Lady2163]

I'm a former OW. I say that for a couple of reasons.

 

Don't tell her, don't give her the details. Not right now.

 

Get to a counselor now. You need to meet with a counselor individually and together and your wife needs to be gently guided as to the details. She needs someone safe she can talk to and someone who can help her process all that you are about to tell her?

 

Did your wife know about your inability to be loyal as a teen or twenty something? That was an important detail she should have known before the marriage.

 

Because that is your foundation, those initial years of relationships were your foundation of how you will treat all partners.

 

I was seduced by my married 30 something boss when I was 16. I was small town, very naive, I was easily manipulated. I was taught to trust and respect adults. I was easily swayed when he told me it was "all right". I was not able to set boundaries and I didn't have a foundation of telling authority figures, "no" as many kids my age were taught to respect adults. I was also sure my folks would blame me.

 

And it was a seduction. He was able to make my body feel amazing things. I was horny.

 

But it warped me. I probably had sex with 20 different unavaible me before I married and grew up. However fast forward 20 years (now divorced) and a two night stand I had with a married man begins again when we run into each other. I can't use youth as an excuse for the seven year inappropriate liaison I had the second time around. I didn't seduce him the first time, I wasn't sophisticated enough for that, but he knew I was interested when I intentionally was alone with him and touched him. The second time he had to cross the line first, but I was still very willing.

 

And it goes back to being able to lower your standards for whatever reason. Something in you is telling you it is somehow okay to not have boundaries, to express an interest. Maybe all 12 of those women came on to you. Maybe you laid the groundwork.

 

Getting back to sharing all the details. Depending on what your counselor says, I'd still think long and hard about sharing details if the women were better lovers or better looking or better in some way your wife can't change. I'm not trying to be a smart ass here, but there is only one answer to the trick question, "do these pants make my butt look big?"

 

You have the option of lying on the trivial details. If you don't remember what you had to eat, you could make something up if, "I don't remember" is a worse answer. The danger in that is thinking it is all right to lie about something more important AND if you forget the answer you gave and the question is asked again and you don't answer the same way, that's going to cause a crisis.

 

Also, I have an exboyfriend who told me near the end of our relationship that in 30 years he had never been faithful. He never ended a relationship until he had another one waiting. He took three women to prom. He had sex with three women on prom night. He loved his wife more than anything, but after many years, things got tough (unable to conceive) and he cheated. Sure enough, he cheated on me and horror of horrors I found out he wasn't single when we started dating and having sex.

 

I found out through mutual friends that the now 60+ year old blew his second marriage after 15 years....by cheating.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes there will be tears for both of you and the divorce will be a hassle. But in a year or two both of you will be happier and better off.

 

Do the right thing for once and let her go.

 

Some part of me wants to disagree with this - but I'm not sure I can.

 

It went on for 2.5 years. I slept with 11 women, anywhere from once to 1-2x a month. I had a relationship with another woman on and off for 22 months. She knew that I was married.

 

That's not a wandering eye, that's a pathological and ravenous need for sex and connection outside your marriage. kuiter, there's a part of you that's very broken and I'm not sure how'd you even consider continuing in the marriage with this issue left unaddressed. I'm also not convinced your wife, knowing the truth, would believe it's even possible.

 

I'd tell her you're separating and starting IC and therapy. You'd hope she'd wait for you but understand if she can't or won't.

 

Not a chance in the world you'd be successful in this relationship - or any other - unless you face the self-destructive tendencies blowing up your life and get help with them. No rug in the world big enough to sweep there under...

 

Mr. Lucky

[l8estnews]

I love my wife and I want our marriage to survive and thrive.

 

I am sorry but after all the women that you've banged, you still claim to love your wife and your marriage to thrive? You can't blame me if I don't believe you.

 

My advice is let your wife be. She wanted to have all the information so she can make a well-informed decision. Good gracious, man. You took her all the way to Germany to betray her like that? I can imagine her feeling so trapped right now......

 

Unfortunately, you cannot question what she wants, you even have no right to question anything she does right now. Don't be surprised if she pack her bags and leave.

[Blueskies66]

I can totally relate to your situation. First off, don't listen to most of the people posting here. I believe that you can love your wife and want sex with many other women. Some of us are just not monogamous.

 

You have really hurt your wife though with your dishonesty. She needs affirmation that she is still sexually desirable to you and that you love her above all others. This will take a great deal of effort.

 

It is clear to me that you are not monogamous but that should not disqualify you from having deeply committed long term relationships. You need to be honest with your wife. You need to get your main relationship straight first.

 

My wife and I have been together for 30 years. We have an open marriage with some pretty strict rules. (Yes. We have both broken them from time to time.) if you knew my wife before we were swingers you would have said never. As long as women are truly loved by their mate they will probably really like swinging. It is just a fact that women ultimately like swinging more than men.

 

I may have been a lot like you when I was younger. I always seemed to be getting myself into "situations". My wife ultimately caught me and there was some stress and tears. For us we were already crazy close and open with our feelings before I was caught.

 

Most of the people on here won't understand any of this. Many here are dug in with a strange obsession. Think outside the box.

 

Above all else you need to be deeply in love with your wife. You need to reconnect your spirits if they ever were. Faces need to be close. Smiles frequent. Whispers at night. You have a lot of work to do. But be honest.

[wmacbride]

I can totally relate to your situation. First off, don't listen to most of the people posting here. I believe that you can love your wife and want sex with many other women. Some of us are just not monogamous.

 

You have really hurt your wife though with your dishonesty. She needs affirmation that she is still sexually desirable to you and that you love her above all others. This will take a great deal of effort.

 

It is clear to me that you are not monogamous but that should not disqualify you from having deeply committed long term relationships. You need to be honest with your wife. You need to get your main relationship straight first.

 

My wife and I have been together for 30 years. We have an open marriage with some pretty strict rules. (Yes. We have both broken them from time to time.) if you knew my wife before we were swingers you would have said never. As long as women are truly loved by their mate they will probably really like swinging. It is just a fact that women ultimately like swinging more than men.

 

I may have been a lot like you when I was younger. I always seemed to be getting myself into "situations". My wife ultimately caught me and there was some stress and tears. For us we were already crazy close and open with our feelings before I was caught.

 

Most of the people on here won't understand any of this. Many here are dug in with a strange obsession. Think outside the box.

 

Above all else you need to be deeply in love with your wife. You need to reconnect your spirits if they ever were. Faces need to be close. Smiles frequent. Whispers at night. You have a lot of work to do. But be honest.

 

about the only piece of this advice I agree with is the need for honesty. the rest sounds like an attempt to force his wife to accept that he is not monogamous and wants to sleep around.

 

If that is what appeals to someone, that's fine for them, but they have zero right to expect their spouse, to whom they promised to be faithful, to just accept that.

 

Quite frankly, buttering up your spouse so they won't complain when you are sleeping with any woman who will have you is smarmy. The op's wife has not indicated that she is the least bit interested in an open marriage. If the OP wants to be able to live his current sexual lifestyle, then his wife will likely want a divorce.

 

Think of it this way. If his wife suddenly unilaterally decided she never wanted to have sex again, I don't think too many would encourage him to stay with her and accept it. The same is true for her. She should not be expected to stay and put up with his philandering.

[aMguilts]

Maybe she gets off on it??

 

aM

[Mr. Lucky]

I can totally relate to your situation. First off, don't listen to most of the people posting here. I believe that you can love your wife and want sex with many other women.

 

Many spouses, male and female, might at some point "want" sex with others. The boundary in a successful marriage is whether we act on that thought...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kuiter]

I sat down and wrote out a basic timeline of each time I cheated. Approximately when it started, when it stopped with each person, how many times I saw them. Just basic info so she would have an understanding of what has been going on. I gave it to her and told her she could look at it if she wanted to and ask questions if she wanted to. I thought about writing some things in more detail, but I don't want to give her more details than she asks for.

 

She did read it, and I sat with her while she did, and she learned then how many women I have slept with and that I had a almost 2 year affair. She has been extremely upset and hasn't really spoken a word to me in a few days. She won't let me touch her and won't look at me. Last night she texted me, even though we were both home, and said she wants to know everything.

 

We have a drawer filled with menus for various restaurants in the city. She pulled them all out and started asking if I ever took another woman to each one. If I said yes she threw it out and said we're never going there again. She was going through my clothing and anything she thought I would have worn around another woman she threw out. She took my phone and went through everything on it, same with my computer. She took down every wedding photo that we had up and put them all in a box (at least it wasn't the garbage like everything else). Every gift I ever gave her she threw out.

 

And after she essentially trashed the house, now she is back to not speaking to me. All she will say is that she wants to know everything and doesn't want a divorce. She has divorce papers, I signed them because she wanted me to. She hasn't signed them, yet.

 

She said she wants to know everything that she did wrong, so now she is blaming herself. She wants to know if they were prettier than her, which parts of them were better (ie, better legs, slimmer, better butt, boobs). If the sex was better, what parts of the sex was better, why was it better, how much better, if they did things she won't, if I think about them when I'm with her, if I thought about her when I was with them, if I was more open with them than her, did I enjoy spending time with them more. Things that are just going to kill her self-esteem.

 

She doesn't know that I've cheated in almost every relationship that I've been in. When we were dating she asked about my previous relationships but I didn't bring up my cheating. She never specifically asked if I cheated, and I chose to leave the information out. I didn't cheat in the relationship directly before her and I thought I was past that immature phase. Clearly I was incorrect.

 

If this is something that we can work on and overcome then I want to put in the months and years of effort to help her. If there is no way to overcome this, I don't know if it's a good decision to stay. I don't want to make her suffer any longer than she has to, but I understand that it is her choice on what she can handle.

 

I know that I come across as if I don't care. That's just how I am. I do care, if I didn't I would have left long ago. I slept with a random woman once and it spiraled out of control. I do love my wife, if I didn't I wouldn't take all the crap she is throwing at me right now (figuratively and literally).

 

I have seriously offered to move back home. The cheated started when we moved here. It was just easy. No one here knew me other than my wife. There was no one around to blab about what I was doing, I didn't have to worry about anyone seeing me. I didn't have to wonder if I had already slept with that woman. It was easy to find women who were interested in having sex. She hasn't wanted to accept that offer.

[BTDT2012]

You need to get yourself some serious help ASAP.

[ShatteredLady]

As you know your poor wife is utterly devastated. I use the word "devastated" but there's really no way to truly describe the complete & utter agony that she's going through. She must love you so very much. If she does decide to give you a chance PLEASE don't ever, EVER do anything even remotely like this to her again.

 

You have utterly shattered the woman that you love. Honesty & deep, sincere compassion & empathy is your only hope now.

 

Her EVERY action is very understandable. I did similar when I discovered my H infidelity. Is she eating & getting some sleep? Has she seen a doctor? In this situation medications can help her. The shock, stress etc wrecked my health. Please make sure that she has food available. The nutrition drinks are a good idea if needed.

 

Have you started reading any of the books & articles that members have mentioned?

 

Start with the 'sticky' post at the top of this forum "Things That Every WS Needs to Know". Print it out & offer to share it with her if SHE WANTS to.

[Blueskies66]

about the only piece of this advice I agree with is the need for honesty. the rest sounds like an attempt to force his wife to accept that he is not monogamous and wants to sleep around.

 

If that is what appeals to someone, that's fine for them, but they have zero right to expect their spouse, to whom they promised to be faithful, to just accept that.

 

Quite frankly, buttering up your spouse so they won't complain when you are sleeping with any woman who will have you is smarmy. The op's wife has not indicated that she is the least bit interested in an open marriage. If the OP wants to be able to live his current sexual lifestyle, then his wife will likely want a divorce.

 

Think of it this way. If his wife suddenly unilaterally decided she never wanted to have sex again, I don't think too many would encourage him to stay with her and accept it. The same is true for her. She should not be expected to stay and put up with his philandering.

 

I wouldn't want to force anybody to do anything. I agree--incompatible sexual lifestyles and desires usually end a marriage. The OP is not monogamous. He needs to be honest with himself and his wife. If they cannot reconcile and agree to a mutually satisfying lifestyle they will need to split.

[dreamingoftigers]

I sat down and wrote out a basic timeline of each time I cheated. Approximately when it started, when it stopped with each person, how many times I saw them. Just basic info so she would have an understanding of what has been going on. I gave it to her and told her she could look at it if she wanted to and ask questions if she wanted to. I thought about writing some things in more detail, but I don't want to give her more details than she asks for.

 

She did read it, and I sat with her while she did, and she learned then how many women I have slept with and that I had a almost 2 year affair. She has been extremely upset and hasn't really spoken a word to me in a few days. She won't let me touch her and won't look at me. Last night she texted me, even though we were both home, and said she wants to know everything.

 

We have a drawer filled with menus for various restaurants in the city. She pulled them all out and started asking if I ever took another woman to each one. If I said yes she threw it out and said we're never going there again. She was going through my clothing and anything she thought I would have worn around another woman she threw out. She took my phone and went through everything on it, same with my computer. She took down every wedding photo that we had up and put them all in a box (at least it wasn't the garbage like everything else). Every gift I ever gave her she threw out.

 

And after she essentially trashed the house, now she is back to not speaking to me. All she will say is that she wants to know everything and doesn't want a divorce. She has divorce papers, I signed them because she wanted me to. She hasn't signed them, yet.

 

She said she wants to know everything that she did wrong, so now she is blaming herself. She wants to know if they were prettier than her, which parts of them were better (ie, better legs, slimmer, better butt, boobs). If the sex was better, what parts of the sex was better, why was it better, how much better, if they did things she won't, if I think about them when I'm with her, if I thought about her when I was with them, if I was more open with them than her, did I enjoy spending time with them more. Things that are just going to kill her self-esteem.

 

She doesn't know that I've cheated in almost every relationship that I've been in. When we were dating she asked about my previous relationships but I didn't bring up my cheating. She never specifically asked if I cheated, and I chose to leave the information out. I didn't cheat in the relationship directly before her and I thought I was past that immature phase. Clearly I was incorrect.

 

If this is something that we can work on and overcome then I want to put in the months and years of effort to help her. If there is no way to overcome this, I don't know if it's a good decision to stay. I don't want to make her suffer any longer than she has to, but I understand that it is her choice on what she can handle.

 

I know that I come across as if I don't care. That's just how I am. I do care, if I didn't I would have left long ago. I slept with a random woman once and it spiraled out of control. I do love my wife, if I didn't I wouldn't take all the crap she is throwing at me right now (figuratively and literally).

 

I have seriously offered to move back home. The cheated started when we moved here. It was just easy. No one here knew me other than my wife. There was no one around to blab about what I was doing, I didn't have to worry about anyone seeing me. I didn't have to wonder if I had already slept with that woman. It was easy to find women who were interested in having sex. She hasn't wanted to accept that offer.

 

The ditching of household items is pretty standard.

 

In my situation it included electronics that my husband used to contact other women on.

 

Allow the purge because whatever remains is tainted and will be an ongoing trigger for her even years down the road.

 

We had a tablet hanging around until last year and it serves to remind me how much my husband had 0 respect for me.

 

First to violate the crap out of our marriage and then to keep a known reminder around the house instead of getting ahead of it, replacing it and tossing the old one. Really got under my skin.

 

Get ahead of the purge. Think of what you did and used and offer them up to your wife.

 

You've done a lot of damage and the stuff can be replaced.

 

Divorce papers were also brought out in my situation but never filed.

[Rockdad]

Here is what the OP can expect life will be for years to come in if this marriage is salvaged. He will be on probation for years to come, every minuet out of her site will be scrutinized and questioned. He will be at the receiving end of a lot of cold shoulder days and bouts of anger. He will find himself making sure what ever TV show or movie they watch isn't something that will have sex scenes or affairs so she is not reminded.

 

It will be a sexless marriage. Maybe gestures of light affection months from now if she sees he is actually understanding what he did to her. This is not going to be a happy home to live for either one for a very long time. He is going to serve a sentence it's just one with no steel bars.

[S2B]

If I were your wife - I would have a difficult time ever allowing you to touch me ever again.

 

You have serious issues to deal with. What are you doing to change yourself now?

[wmacbride]

op,

you are kind of looking at the situation form the wrong perspective. Whether or not your marriage should continue essentially comes down to you.

 

You need to figure out for yourself if you can remain faithful to her. You also need to find out what sorts of boundaries she will want you to erect between you and women you meet, and what she will want from you in other areas in the future.

 

Moving back won't change anything. It was in you to cheat, otherwise, you wouldn't be in the place you are now. Monogamy and faithfulness come from inside you, not external factors like where you live.

 

In your shoes, I would suggest to your wife that you two separate, and you get some individual and marital counseling to find out where you go from here.

[aileD]

Your wife's behavior is normal.

 

She doesn't know you anymore. She only knows who she thought you were and you are not that person anymore. You never were. And as a wife, that is a difficult thing to grasp. She doesn't want a divorce because she loves who she thought you were. But she can't move on because her entire relationship with you was a lie.

 

You will say it wasn't a lie. But she will never believe that. You cheated on her too many times. Too long. She doesn't feel like her life was real, her marriage was real and she is lost right now. her life was ripped out from under her. The one person she thought she could lean on, she can't...he isn't even the person she thought he was.

 

Are you prepared to answer the "why wasn't I good enough" questions your'e getting from her? Because no matter what you say, that it's a problem in you...she is still going to feel like why wasn't she good enough. what didn't she do, why wasn't she important enough to you to resist temptation?

 

It's a legitimate question. Why wasn't she important enough?

 

I don't see this marriage surviving without complete intensive therapy for both of you individually and together in MC.

 

Right now you say you love her and that's why you're taking everything she's throwing at you. Why couldn't you love her then and not cheat on her?

 

Food for thought. I'm a fan of reconciliation. I hope it works out for you and for her.

[Mr. Lucky]

I slept with a random woman once and it spiraled out of control.

 

You need to think about what you're saying. When you're married, any woman not your wife is a random woman. And "it" didn't do anything - you made the choices that led you to exactly where your are today. While tornadoes can spiral out of control, cheaters deliberately implement plans involving deceit and manipulation.

 

I wouldn't rationalize, you have a tough audience both here and at home...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dreamingoftigers]

Here is what the OP can expect life will be for years to come in if this marriage is salvaged. He will be on probation for years to come, every minuet out of her site will be scrutinized and questioned. He will be at the receiving end of a lot of cold shoulder days and bouts of anger. He will find himself making sure what ever TV show or movie they watch isn't something that will have sex scenes or affairs so she is not reminded.

 

It will be a sexless marriage. Maybe gestures of light affection months from now if she sees he is actually understanding what he did to her. This is not going to be a happy home to live for either one for a very long time. He is going to serve a sentence it's just one with no steel bars.

 

It probably won't be sexless but if he changes and becomes more trustworthy the rest will probably settle down in time, unless she gets wise and divorces him.

 

You make it sound like he's very much a victim here. That's odd.

[BaileyB]

I don't know how your marriage could possibly be saved. And to be honest, I'm not even sure that it should be saved.

 

You have so brutally disrespected your wife and your marriage. If she does decide to stay with you, I can't help but think that she must be somewhat self destructive. I just can't imagine the pain she must be feeling and the hurt that will continue for years and years to come...

 

You need help. If you are not capable of being in a faithful, monogamous relationship then you need to let your wife go. It's ok to date different women as long as they are aware that this is all you have to offer... It's totally not ok to lead a woman to believe you are devoted to her and then abuse her trust, as you have done to your wife. There is absolutely nothing respectable about that.

Edited January 11, 2017 by BaileyB

[kuiter]

Excuse any typos that may come up, it's 4:30AM here.

 

I understand that my wife is devastated, and I understand that I cannot possible understand how devastated she is. This is something that I will never be able to fully understand because I have never had this big of a betrayal against me. I am sorry for hurting her. I know that I chose to do it but that doesn't mean I don't have remorse.

 

Something that we have both been trying to leave out of the equation is that my wife is pregnant. We had been trying to get pregnant for 7 years and last year decided to go the IVF route. It was a difficult time and took 4 tries before it was successful. The day she found out about my affairs was also the day she had a reduction because every embryo took. So she lost more than just who she thought I was.

 

She doesn't want to talk about anything related to her pregnancy now because in her words, I'll taint it. She hasn't wanted me to go to appointments with her. She doesn't want to be making a decision "for the kids", and that is her reasoning for leaving the pregnancy out of it. I know though, that she doesn't want to break up her family or be a single mom in this situation.

 

We are going to do individual counselling and marriage counselling. She won't talk at all, and won't go anywhere with me or be near me so that isn't exactly an option right now. When she is up for it, yes I do want to do that with her.

 

Seeing her hurting hurts me. And I know that sounds stupid to say, because if I was so concerned with hurting her I wouldn't have cheated. I didn't plan on her finding out. Which I know also sounds stupid. I didn't cheat thinking "this is going to hurt my wife". I wanted the sex and in that moment that is all that was on my mind.

 

I do want to work on my marriage and I do want to stand by her side for as long as it takes. I know that I need to work on myself. Had I not been caught, it would likely still be going on.

 

I'm the only man my wife has been with and she doesn't believe in divorce. That is on my side as well, and against her. I know she deserves better than me.

 

When she won't talk to me and won't let me near her, I don't know where to go from here. How long am I supposed to let this go on before it's deemed unhealthy?

[BaileyB]

That just makes me hurt even more for your wife.

 

Can you appreciate how hard it is to understand because you say that you understand you have hurt her and you have remorse... But then you say, if you hadn't been caught, it would likely still be going on. That doesn't really sound like someone who has remorse... It sounds like you have remorse, only because you were caught.

 

But seriously, her pregnancy is all the more reason for you to commit yourself to counselling. Whatever happens to your marriage, work on becoming the kind of man that your child/children can respect and be proud to call their father.

[Mr Blunt]

By OP

Something that we have both been trying to leave out of the equation is that my wife is pregnant.

 

 

By Blunt

Your wife is pregnant and you give her a list of all the women you banged?

You are either very low in intellect or selfish or both. You put your wife and the baby in danger then ask about how long you are to let her withdrawal go on! You are a rastrillo (Spanish for rake). All you can do is rake things to you but not give anything out! Take a 40 year solo vacation and do something positive for your wife!

 

 

 

 

BY OP

How long am I supposed to let this go on before it's deemed unhealthy?

[aileD]

Go to counseling on your own. Now. Intensive. Two times a week of you can.

 

You can't do anything about how she is feeling and if you want a shot at saving this marriage, you need to do some serious work on yourself. So get that started asap. Since she's not talking to you I'm sure you have some free time.

 

I feel so horrrible for your wife. Going through IVF while you're cheating on her left and right. No wonder she feels destroyed.

 

Words mean nothing . Start acting by working on you.