Is this heartbreak?

[LDavs]

Is This Heartbreak?

 

What am I feeling right now? I’ve never been in love, there’s no way I fell in love after one date (and one random drive hours later) so what is this feeling? I could blame it on my period, except this feeling started three days ago and I just got my period this morning. I’m trying not to think about him and I have to force myself not re-read our text messages when he said how cute I was, how happy he was I reached out since we stopped talking the first time and how he really wants to see me again.

We were all set to see each other again, too. The next day in fact. Then I had work until nine and we re-scheduled for the next night. Except the night before he got into a car accident, totaling his car. His parents kicked him out, he was still looking for a job and was crashing at his friend’s house for the night.

But we were still talking. We were even going to go out again until he told me his parents wanted to sit down with him to talk about his next move. I was at work when he told me to call him when I was on my way home. That was when he told me again that he had to get his **** together and couldn’t get together that night but still wanted to text, talk on the phone, etc. I was confused why that warranted a phone call and turned that into he didn’t want to see me ever again.

The whole next day I went over the conversation in my mind, caved and texted him. I explained what I thought and he said that’s not what he was saying at all, he was talking about that night. I felt better. We continued to talk via text and everything seemed okay to me. I even thought we’d eventually get together again when things were better for him.

I’d say it changed right after Christmas. He got sick and things were super bad at home. Then came the text when I asked how he was and he said things were still really bad and he couldn’t talk.

So I resolved not to text him until New Year’s Day. Except I saw him again. On New Year’s Eve. He was at the same party I was at. In the same room. It was bad enough that I ran into him at the bar but to top it off, he was sitting at the table right in front oh me. I know I told him on our first date I was going to this place on New Year’s. When I said I didn’t know he was going to be there it he said it was a last minute thing. My friend says that’s bull**** because it gets sold out fast and there’s no way he would’ve gotten a ticket at the last minute. Did he know I was going to be there? I have no idea.

If I’ve ever felt more awkward I can’t remember it. He came up to me, said hi, I asked about a job interview he had had and he said he got it. The whole time I had this weird feeling in my chest, a sort of ache that I had never felt before. Then because I’m me, I mentioned that this was super awkward and he agreed. We walked away.

Before you think I’m incredibly pathetic, just because he was there, even though he was dancing with some girl and might’ve been her date that night, he didn’t ruin my New Year’s Eve. I was with all my friends and I don’t care what anyone says, vodka can fix almost any bad situation. My friends and I went to another room where they were playing better music and I didn’t have to see him at the table right in front of mine for a couple of hours. Until midnight. Did he kiss that girl? I have no idea, I forced myself not to look over to where he was. If I had to guess? Probably.

New Year’s Day I was paying for the night before with one of the worst hangovers I’ve had in a long time. Did I feel bummed about seeing him the night before? Absolutely. But I chalked it up to feeling like **** and that’s why it seemed worse than it was.

The next day, the pounding in my head had stopped but I was still feeling kind of bummed out. Then I happened to catch his name in my text history and saw that I sent him a text at 1:42 AM on New Year’s Eve. I read it and cringed. I had no memory of this and after reading the text, some of it wasn’t even readable:

“If you wanted or tell end it you could’ve just told me. You weren’t the only just I Was guys do Either. Have a nice life.”

I think what I was trying to say was “if you wanted to end it you could’ve just told me. You weren’t the only person talking to other people, I was talking to other guys too. This is it, have a nice life.” But as I don’t remember sending this I’m not sure. I wanted more closure than that so I sent him one more text saying I was sorry.

He texted me back, said it was fine but he’s trying to get his **** together, is in no position to have a girlfriend and he’s sorry but he’s not interested in pursuing anything romantically involved. I told him I kind of figured that and it was fine.

And now I still have this weird feeling, even though I have my closure. I want it gone, except I’ve never felt this before and I don’t know how to get rid of it. Something like this happened when I was 18, but then it was right before Christmas and Santa really came through that year, effectively cheering me up. Since this happened after Christmas, I don't even have something to look forward to.

Why did I reach out to him after almost four months? Well, I guess because even though I had met other guys on Bumble and Tinder and was talking to them, he still crossed my mind. The first time we had never got around to meeting and I was curious. I thought maybe if I met up with him once, I would satisfy my curiosity and that would be it. I guess it kind of bit me in the ass because I didn’t expect to like him that much.

Did I hear wedding bells? Did I think he was the one? Was I attaching his last name to mine to see if it sounded good? Did I sound out what I wanted to name my children with his last name? HELL NO. First off, I’m 29 not 15 and second of all, who thinks about that right off the bat?

I’ve avoided relationships like the plague ever since I was 18. My game was one drunken hook-up in a bar (PG stuff), possibly get their name and done. I liked being single, I liked not having to answer to anyone and doing whatever I wanted. I figured I had to rest of my life to be in a relationship and for now, I just want to have fun.

Most my friends didn’t share my sentiment. My best friend had been in a relationship with my guy best friend since they were 18. My other good friend had been with her boyfriend since they were 19. Two of my other friends had been in relationships more than they’ve been single. The only one who seemed to get it was my friend who was having fun up at Cortland.

Fast forward to age 27 and one of my friends is married and expecting a baby, two are engaged, one is in a serious relationship and another one is on the brink. I realized that maybe my philosophy was played out. Maybe it was time to give this relationship thing a shot.

It took a year for me to bite the bullet and check out this app called Tinder. At that point I was 28, one of my friends had a baby, one was married, one was engaged and two were about the get engaged.

I went out with two guys from Tinder and one from bumble. The first Tinder guy lasted two dates. The second guy from Tinder lasted a couple of months. Enter the guy I can’t stop thinking about and we never went on a date. The first and only guy from Bumble lasted half an hour. Total waste of time. The guy I was talking to simultaneously with the guy I can’t stop thinking about (let’s call him Dave) I have a date with Sunday.

But am I looking forward to that date on Sunday? I don’t know. He seems like a nice guy, I like talking to him but can he make me forget about Dave? I hope to God he can. I really want to, I want to get rid of this feeling.

I don’t believe in regrets so I’m not saying I regret reaching out to him again and going out with him. However, this is not the worst I’ve ever felt but it’s pretty bad and I think I was on to something with the whole avoiding relationships thing. Is it even worth this feeling? Since I’ve never been in love, I honestly don’t know.

Writing this was actually kind of therapeutic and it eased the feeling a little but didn’t totally erase it. Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading my rant.

-L