Snow7 Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 Has anyone tried discernment therapy? Here's the tale: Our marriage has been broken for a long time. We both made mistakes early on with lack of communication and taking our marriage for granted. There were also a tremendous number of outside stressors over a period of years. During those early stressful years, I discovered my partner was having an emotional affair. At the same time, we were realizing there was something going on with our child (he has special needs). I was grieving and depressed regarding our child, so I didn't really process the EA at that time. After sometime, I was finally ready to address our failing marriage. I begged my partner (for years) to go MC and seek treatment for his depression but he always said no. Then, 4 years ago, I discovered another emotional affair. At this point in my mind, our marriage was over. I went through the process of grieving my marriage. We have basically been living as roomates and co-parents for the past 10 years. For my part, I've stayed bc we have a special needs child who has a significant disability and I thought it was best for him for us to be under one roof. Honestly I was also overwhelmed with the idea of working full time and caring for him alone. But this year, I realized, I'm miserable and lonely and I can't live life like this. A few months ago, I decided to leave. I admit I've cried wolf about leaving but for the first time, I made concrete plans: housing, finances, parenting plan, custody plan etc.I don't think my husband knows just how ready I was to leave or maybe he sensed it. 2 months ago, I talked to husband that something has got to change expecting him to do the same as always and ignore the problem. But for the first time, he has been receptive to making changes and agreed to MC. It has been hard for me to do 180 on this and get vested back into a relationship that I've thought has been over for a long time. I admit that I've felt betrayed and abandoned and I have a lot of anger and resentment. And while I'm happy we are finally addressing our problems, I'm wondering can we really fix this after so many years? I've already thrown away my youth. We have been to MC only once so far, but I think we will ask for discernment therapy to sort out if there is anything left worth saving. My husband also expressed doubts as to whether he wants to still be married to me. I will say both of us have been working hard at improving our relationship for the past 5 week or so. It has been nice to not be at "fight or flight" mode all the time. Either way, it will be good for us to repair some of the damage so that we can move on: either together or apart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 Has anyone tried discernment therapy? I thought I remembered from reading about this it only lasts a couple of sessions? I came away skeptical regarding how much real progress could be made in such a short time, especially for couples who seem fully vested in their different agendas. What are your expectations ? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Snow7 Posted December 30, 2016 Author Share Posted December 30, 2016 I think the idea is not to fix things but to help the couple choose between MC and divorce. These are the only true viable options for us. The option to continues "as is" is not an option for me and my husband is against a trial separation. If the couple decides on MC, then they commit to a period of time (6 months) to work on it. I think usually it's when one partner has one foot out the door while the other partner wants to save the marriage so we would be a bit different in that neither of us is sure which way we want to go. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 The option to continues "as is" is not an option for me and my husband is against a trial separation. If you rule out "as is" and separation, isn't MC the only remaining option? I guess that's my question - why not just start MC? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Snow7 Posted December 30, 2016 Author Share Posted December 30, 2016 Well if both partners are not really committed, then MC is a waster of time, right? My reasons for trying MC: I'm trying to remember what made me chose him as a spouse to begin with: attractive, intelligent, good father, similar values and life goals, common interests and hobbies. I'm also try to not fall into the trap of "grass is greener" although I admit I have fantasized about life after divorce. I realize I will have a whole new set of challenges and life could be even more lonely. My reason for against trying MC: In a way I feel like, a long time ago, I became the scapegoat for everything wrong in his life. And the emotional affairs only feed into this. Here is a sweet nice woman, she listens to me, she understands me, she's funny and I can have playful banter with her, she thinks I'm great and then there's my wife-the wicked witch. During our last fight, I felt like I was hearing a bit of revisionist history: All of sudden I've been controlling with anger issues since I as 19? Ummm no. Sorry, not true. Forget about loving me, half the time I'm not even sure if he likes me. So if MC is going to be about all the things wrong with me that I need to change, then no thanks. I want him to be sure he wants me for me, not because I'm the status quo. During our fight, I listed the things I mentioned above as reasons to stay but I did not hear one positive thing about me. I don't usually have self-esteem issues. In fact, I think I'm great-LOL! But I am very insecure in this relationship. Maybe you are right though and I am being impatient. Maybe that's the point of MC: to sort all this stuff out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 I want him to be sure he wants me for me, not because I'm the status quo. During our fight, I listed the things I mentioned above as reasons to stay but I did not hear one positive thing about me. A very valid concern. I think MC gives you a chance to express thoughts like this and be sure they're listened to, no just heard. During a fight, emotions run high and participants are so busy dealing with anger and hurt feelings important concepts just do a fly by. He may still blame you for everything in MC but, if done right, he'll have to understand both how your POV's differ and what damage that assumption might do. Given what you've posted, I'd guess you'd find the experience enlightening and validating... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 Here is the thing about MC, you have to commit to a period of time to start with. The reason is that the first few sessions will be hell. You both need to be aware of that. You will not fell loving toward each other at first. It is rough. Also, I think that if you cannot say that you love your husband today and he say the same thing about you then I just don't know. But at the same time you have to realize that you both allowed the marriage to die for the last 10 years. Lots of people do, but realize that you both had a hand in it. Also, I assure you that both of you are rewriting you marriage history, we do this because we remember our perceptions of events and you have to realize that the perceptions for both of you are different. When you don't have effective communication skills and you don't work through things as they happen, then your individual perceptions will not be the same and in fact can be miles apart. Give this a try and see where it takes you, I mean really, what have you got to lose? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Snow7 Posted December 30, 2016 Author Share Posted December 30, 2016 My. Lucky, This fight wasn't as heated. It started out with me saying (calmly) that it really bothers me that he's so secretive with his phone and would he let me look at it. He said absolutely not and that his phone is private. I said well that is not the kind of relationship I want to build moving forward and I asked him again and he said no again so I walked away. He followed me and said the reason he didn't want me to see is bc he was venting about me to his young female single friend and one of his buddies. Umm ok. Why is he secretive about it the rest of the time then? There's always some explanation or excuse. I guess there's a part of me that believes he's just been cheating on me the whole time and that's why he's been unmotivated to go to MC before now. Not really sure how to trust him again after the emotional affairs. But you are right. I let it go for now and figured we can talk about it at our next therapy session. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 This is a problem with the phone. If he is not cheating the phone should not be a problem. In a marriage there should be no secrets from each other, so if there are, that will not work. If he is saying something to someone else that he should not be, that is a problem. He is being shady. Maybe this is not the time to have the fight, but it does not sound like he is ready to work on the marriage and be transparent. If that is going to be his attitude, that is not going to work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Snow7 Posted January 4, 2017 Author Share Posted January 4, 2017 My spouse has had 2 emotional affairs in the past. The first was a long time ago but IMHO, we never dealt with it. The second one 4 years ago and after that in my mind our marriage was over. I stayed for our son who has special needs. My spouse doesn't consider the second an EA, saying that they were just friends. Bc there were never any romantic declaration between them but I still felt the relationship crossed a line and I trust my gut. But I found a hurtful email to the this woman about me so it was still a violation of trust. Now we finally trying to deal with these issues and move forward through MC. But honestly, I am having a hard time building trust. This is partly because he is having a hard time being open, but we are trying to work on our communication. Doesn't anyone have any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Blunt Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 By OP Doesn't anyone have any suggestions? I do You have had 10 years of pain so doing the 6 months of MC is not that big of a problem is it? Here is my suggestion. Give the MC a 100% effort and if you see that your husband is not doing what has to be done then you will at least know that you gave 100%. Also, while you are in the 6 months of MC be planning to build yourself up in every way; not only plan but take actions! Improve yourself emotionally, financially, and spiritually and be sure to work on your own bitterness and anger. Get closer with family or friends so that you do not depend on your husband too much. If BOTH of you give MC and your right actions a 100% effort you may save your marriage and be a lot better. Of course there is at least a 50% chance that the MC and effort will not work. In that case you should use your plan to be able to start you a new life without him Link to post Share on other sites
Author Snow7 Posted January 5, 2017 Author Share Posted January 5, 2017 By OP Doesn't anyone have any suggestions? I do You have had 10 years of pain so doing the 6 months of MC is not that big of a problem is it? Here is my suggestion. Give the MC a 100% effort and if you see that your husband is not doing what has to be done then you will at least know that you gave 100%. Also, while you are in the 6 months of MC be planning to build yourself up in every way; not only plan but take actions! Improve yourself emotionally, financially, and spiritually and be sure to work on your own bitterness and anger. Get closer with family or friends so that you do not depend on your husband too much. If BOTH of you give MC and your right actions a 100% effort you may save your marriage and be a lot better. Of course there is at least a 50% chance that the MC and effort will not work. In that case you should use your plan to be able to start you a new life without him By OP Doesn't anyone have any suggestions? I do You have had 10 years of pain so doing the 6 months of MC is not that big of a problem is it? Here is my suggestion. Give the MC a 100% effort and if you see that your husband is not doing what has to be done then you will at least know that you gave 100%. Also, while you are in the 6 months of MC be planning to build yourself up in every way; not only plan but take actions! Improve yourself emotionally, financially, and spiritually and be sure to work on your own bitterness and anger. Get closer with family or friends so that you do not depend on your husband too much. If BOTH of you give MC and your right actions a 100% effort you may save your marriage and be a lot better. Of course there is at least a 50% chance that the MC and effort will not work. In that case you should use your plan to be able to start you a new life without him Thank you Mr.Lucky for your comment. The funny thing is that is exactly what I have been doing for the past 4 years. Exercise is a great stress release and mood stabilizer. I'm in the best shape of my life. Since I have been so lonely, I've tried to build my hobbies and other activities. I have family in town and more often than not, it's me, my kid and family doing things together without my spouse. I have a stable career. Now I don't have a lot of friends. I've always been the person with few, close friends. A lot of my friends are mutual friends and I'm not sure how that will go. The difficulty I'm having in putting 100 % into MC and work required. It took me so long to get to the point to be ready to leave and I'm having trouble doing a 180 mentally. I don't know if I can do 6 months, maybe 3 and if I'm seeing serious progress then maybe keep going. Some of the things my spouse has said makes me wonder if we were ever happy? Compatible? Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 If he's had even 1 affair, then full transparency is a must. His life is an open book. You get all passwords and free reign to investigate whatever you want, whenever you want. When you investigate and find nothing, you both win. There should he no secrets in a marriage. Secrets build walls and preclude true intimacy. If he wants someone to confide in, he can engage a therapist. Otherwise, privacy in a marriage is for the bathroom. It's not your job to rebuild trust. It's his. Openness, honesty, and transparency should be requirements and the lack of them should be a dealbreaker. My view is that a spouse is a partner for all things in life. If your partner is hiding things from you, then they are not on your team; they're on their own team. Repairing this marriage will take work. If you're going to do that, then make sure it's one worth being in. If you're on separate teams, then the very foundation of this house is broken. I wouldn't waste much time discussing window treatments and paint colors. Fix the foundation or cut your losses. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 I adapted the list below from a post about why it's important for a wayward spouse to tell his partner that he's been cheating. I realized it could just as well work for why have transparency: Why it's important to have transparency: - Keeping secrets = lying by omission - Marriage vows are based on openness - Dishonesty creates cracks in a marriage that grow & fracture other areas - Spouse shouldn’t stay out of ignorance, assumption that partner is loyal - No one has th right to decide what someone else should (not) know - Cheater will continue without consequences - If spouse finds out much later, everything good between affair & discovery will be lost. Spouse will not know what to believe and will doubt everything. ”You need to tell each other the important things, the things you both expect to know, the things that are relevant to the foundations of your relationship and that have the potential to affect it.*.*.*. And what has more potential effect on your relationship and the trust holding it together than an affair?" (Not telling = marriage based on dishonesty, deceit 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 ...the reason he didn't want me to see (his phone) is bc he was venting about me to his young female single friend Is this not a red flag? Who is this woman? MM tend to vent about their "awful" marriage to their OW or their potential OW. Playing the victim is often a very successful ploy for a MM. Women who would never imagine being with a MM, may put their morals and concerns aside if they feel sorry for the "poor man" who has to endure a terrible marriage with a harridan for a wife... My worry here is that your husband is very comfortable where he is. He has you to look after him and his special needs child and I guess he is seeing other women on the side (hence the desperately protected mobile phone). If you left, he would have to fend for himself, lose a lot of money no doubt and may have to share child custody and how would he cope then? He would most probably have to spend a lot of money on specialist child care. He is thus happy to be room-mates with you, whilst he gets his needs met elsewhere. I may be wrong, but... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 This...."Originally Posted by Snow7 View Post ...the reason he didn't want me to see (his phone) is bc he was venting about me to his young female single friend" ....Is completely unacceptable & needs to stop or MC is a waste of time in my opinion. My husband also had EA's. I understand why you shut-down. I did too for a long time. I had the misfortune of reading some of their correspondence. He discussed private details of our marriage & very intimate things about me. I've had some very serious surgeries, including cervical & glandular cancer removal surgeries. Knowing that his OW shared in judging me physically has changed me forever. Knowing that anything I say within the confines of our marriage can be spun & given to an OW to 'woo' her has changed how & what I will communicate to him. I'm working on it. I'm not saying that I couldn't speak freely with a MC if I knew my husband was "venting about me to his young female friend". I KNOW that I couldn't speak freely with my HUSBAND!! Is he willing to sacrifice all communication with female 'friends' & become entirely transparent for you, for your marriage? If he prioritizes his phone privacy & female 'friends' over his marriage, MC is a waste of good money. I'm sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 He followed me and said the reason he didn't want me to see is bc he was venting about me to his young female single friend and one of his buddies. Isn't this a problem for you right here? Nevermind the troublesome "young female single friend." Why isn't the inherent disloyalty of "venting about you" to anyone a problem? Why is whatever he's "secretive about ... the rest of the time" worse for you? --Why is he secretive about it the rest of the time then? There's always some explanation or excuse. Complaining about you to anyone is a red flag if not a gateway to more. It's certainly not a get out of jail free card after asking him to show you the phone because his behavior is suspicious. Personally I think you've just been looking the other way, way too long. I did it and, believe me, mice do play if no one is around. Link to post Share on other sites
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