How long can a man put up with a controlling, co-dependent wife?

[tinydancer93]

I have a friend. He's a guy, mid 20s. He got married about a year ago to his long-time girlfriend. They are a couple who appear very much happy and loving, and they have a wide circle of family and friends who adore and support them both. I think I may be the only person who knows that all is not as it seems. I am concerned for my friend, who confides in me, but I don't know what advice to offer him other than 'RUN' but obviously I don't want to overstep the line here. Basically, he is miserable. I don't think anyone knows, not even his wife. It is a really sad situation. Basically, he feels trapped, here's why:

 

- He is not in love with her anymore; he is only still with her because he cares deeply for her and feels that if he left her, she would be ruined

 

- She is completely dependent on him; he cooks, he cleans, he pays the bills, he drives her everywhere; he says that she refuses to do anything for herself, and although he will occasionally lose it and demand that she change, the change only lasts for a couple of days

 

- She is extremely lazy; she hates going out, she hates contributing (cleaning, cooking, etc.), she is totally uninterested in exercising, being healthy, etc., never dresses up to go out, never puts any effort into her appearance, and is content to sit around doing nothing

 

- She is very controlling; she tries to control who he sees, what he does, doesn't like him spending time on his hobbies, and HATES being apart from him; he basically gets NO alone time because she is extremely clingy

 

- She is very jealous; she does not trust him around other women

 

Now, I'm sure any sane guy would be out the door ASAP. I'm not even sure why he married her - I think because he didn't realise she was this way as they hadn't lived together before he proposed. Anyway, he feels like he simply cannot leave, because:

 

- She would fall apart with out him: he honestly believes that she could not function without him, he has essentially made himself responsible for her wellbeing - he says it would be like abandoning a child

 

- He is very much apart of her family and friend circle: it would obviously be difficult to cut so many social ties with people who he has known for many years

 

- His family adores her and would likely not forgive him for leaving her (I'm assuming they have no idea of the real situation)

 

Now, I want to tell my friend that this will never end well, that he needs to get himself out of that situation before she sucks the life out of him. It is not fair on him, and it is also not fair on her that he is only staying with her out of pity and obligation...especially because he is constantly lashing out at her and she wouldn't have a clue why!

 

So far I have just been a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on, but it is really driving me crazy hearing about all this because I care about him and I want him to be happy. I am also very frustrated at him for allowing her to treat him like that. I simply don't understand why anyone would put up with that, especially because they don't even have kids yet. He still has his whole life ahead of him so not sure why he would settle for a life of misery. I think he knows he made a huge mistake, yet his attitude seems to be "oh well, I've dug my grave and now I have to lay in it". What advice would you offer my friend? How can I help him see that he DOES have a choice and that the situation is not hopeless?

Edited January 5, 2017 by tinydancer93

[basil67]

Your mate is just as much a contributor to this situation as her. Not only is he enabling her to the nth degree, he's not communicating effectively about the problems.

 

Telling her that she needs to change isn't enough. If he knows that she will get lazy again in a few days, he needs to expect this and prepare for it. He needs to STOP doing stuff for her. Stop driving her around. Stop cooking her meals. Stop washing her clothes. He needs to stand his ground when she's controlling. He needs to learn the word "NO". If she doesn't want to go out, he should go without her.

 

Your mate is a doormat. Things will not change until he gives himself a kick up the rear end.

 

Regarding her falling apart without him - they've only been living together for a year. She managed on her own before he came along, she will manage again if he leaves.

 

Lastly, could it be that she's suffering depression? Depression can sap all the energy and drive for a person. If so, he should drag her to the GP.

[tinydancer93]

Thanks for your reply. I agree with what you are saying. The problem is, before he came along she apparently didn't have a life - just stayed at home in her room all her day, and her parents did everything for her. They met when they were both teenagers and have been together since, so I don't think she ever really gained any independence or adult skills. She became very comfortable relying on her boyfriend, and I guess just always thought he would be there to take care of her. Perhaps part of the reason why he is so reluctant to leave her is because he may blame himself (as least in part) for the fact that he allowed her to become so dependent on him.

 

Even if he never plucks up the courage to leave her, I can't see how this can last long-term. I can imagine huge fights, future affairs, total indifference. Even now he tells me that if he found another woman he wouldn't think twice about having an affair because he simply does not even care anymore - that's how bad it is, after only one year of marriage!

 

Depression could very well be a factor. I'll mention that to him next time.

[basil67]

If she learns nothing in life, it will only be his fault if he's been enabling her. If he stands up to her and stops doing everything, she'll HAVE to learn. And if she refuses to do anything, well, that's all on her.

[angel.eyes]

Gosh! This sounds like grooming and the beginnings of an emotional affair between the two of you.

 

Why is he confiding details about his marriage to another woman? If he truly cared about his marriage, he would be voicing his concerns to his wife and working with her to address these concerns. Failing that he would involve a professional...a marriage counselor...to help them both address their marital problems in a productive manner. Instead he's secretly painting his wife as the spouse from hell that he doesn't love to another woman and is doing nothing to fix the situation.

 

There's a reason why you're the only person who purportedly knows the "true" state while none of their mutual friends do. Don't get sucked in by his pity party. There's nothing but regret and heartache down that road.

[tinydancer93]

You make a good point, angel.eyes! I do my best to not overstep, hence why I am reluctant to tell him what I truly think and have to bite my tongue a lot. Even though he is choosing to confide in me, I would still feel awkward about putting my 2 cents in on their relationship. I think he is truly lost and perhaps feels I am the only one he can talk to, as I am an outsider to their marriage - I am a neutral party, whereas his other friends and family would likely defend his wife as they only see her 'good' side.

 

It is incredibly frustrating that he is not doing anything to fix the situation so it 'seems' like he doesn't truly care about the marriage - it seems he has already given up and makes excuse after excuse, it's "wrong timing", "maybe she'll change", "I made my choices and I have to stick with them" etc. At first I felt sorry for him but now I actually feel quite mad at him for letting it get to this stage, but I still want to be there for him because we have been friends for years. It is definitely a difficult spot to be in...

[angel.eyes]

he is truly lost and perhaps feels I am the only one he can talk to, as I am an outsider to their marriage - I am a neutral party, whereas his other friends and family would likely defend his wife as they only see her 'good' side.

 

First of all, someone who is committed to his marriage doesn't secretly invite female outsiders into the marriage. Is his wife aware that he's sharing details of the marriage with you? Why is that? Why is he doing and saying things behind her back that he would never say or do to her face?

 

Second, you are not a neutral party. A neutral party gets to see all sides. Yup, that's what their mutual friends see...the good, not just the bad. An outsider such as yourself gets only a description of what he claims she is. Look at that description you painted of her? Why on earth would he marry someone like that? Why would he still be with her? Why would everyone who does actually know her well jump to defend her? Would any sane person jump to defend the caricature you painted of her? Why such a disconnect?

 

If you're smart you would remove yourself from their marriage and distance yourself from him. He's not your friend.

Edited January 5, 2017 by angel.eyes

[whichwayisup]

You have invested interest in this so I have to ask, do you have feelings for him? Meaning, if they split up are you a potential gf?

 

She has issues, I do wonder (other than her being enabled all her life) if she suffers from anxiety and depression. Just something to maybe suggest to him. She probably needs counseling and possibly meds to get her started on living life again and being a more of a productive person.

[tinydancer93]

Well, angel.eyes, their mutual friends would certainly not get to see all sides because they would have no idea of their home life. He says he constantly puts on a happy front for the sake of friends and family, so I don't believe they would have much of an idea - there is the quote, "you never know what goes on behind closed doors". Maybe he is also ashamed of the fact that he allows her to treat him like a doormat - as a man, I certainly wouldn't want my buddies to know this!

 

And yes, it is absurd to think he would marry and stay with someone like that and I often find myself thinking that things don't quite add up other than he seriously does feel a strong need to protect and take care of her in spite of his own happiness. Perhaps he is exaggerating things, who knows, and I obviously don't get to hear about the good sides, but I'm not sure what the point of lying to me about his marriage would be - especially since he starts these conversations, not me.

 

I don't like the idea of ditching a long time friend though.

[tinydancer93]

@whichwayisup, of course I have invested interest in my friend's wellbeing - we've been friends for about 5 years, and he's always been there for me, so of course I'm going to be there for him. I would not be a potential gf because I am already in a relationship. As for him having feelings for me, perhaps he does, but he wouldn't act on them - or at least, he knows that I wouldn't allow anything.

 

At the end of the day, I'm just trying to be there for a friend. I'm not egging him on to make one decision or another, I'm just trying to be a supporting presence. Just because I am female and he is male, does not mean something sinister is going on. I wouldn't want him romantically anyway because as much as I care for him, I think he is a bit of a coward and too much of a doormat.

Edited January 5, 2017 by tinydancer93

[basil67]

You don't have to ditch him. But as he tells you stuff, I would suggest you stop pussyfooting around. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he's a freaking doormat and author of his own misfortune. That he needs get some boundaries in place.

[Popsicle]

You don't have to ditch him. But as he tells you stuff, I would suggest you stop pussyfooting around. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he's a freaking doormat and author of his own misfortune. That he needs get some boundaries in place.

 

Right. I'll bet he'll stop telling you so much if you went harder on him. Goodness, I would never be a male "friends" emotional tampon. I would tell him to fix his problems or leave but I don't want to hear his whining.

[tinydancer93]

I really should be harder on him. I do tend to be a very diplomatic person though and I shy away from conflict, but I guess the best thing I can do for him is just to be upfront.

[Popsicle]

I really should be harder on him. I do tend to be a very diplomatic person though and I shy away from conflict, but I guess the best thing I can do for him is just to be upfront.

 

You should, but in the event you can't, you should just respond to him from now on like a broken record "I'm not a therapist, I think you should see a therapist".

[Popsicle]

Or, direct him here to this forum!

[Noirek]

You talk a lot about divorce and leaving her. There is a lot of ground between where they are and that still.

 

He needs to stop enabling her spoiled behaviour. He needs to set boundaries. And he needs to make it clear they are partners, he isn't her care giver or parent. If she has mental health problems he should insist upon proffesional help for her.

If he does that, is loving with his words but firm and actually sticks with it for longer than a few days and she still won't make changes than divorce should be considered or at least separation.

 

No one should stay in a marriage where someone only takes and never gives. But right now he is enabling that. Whining isn't making changes.

[mikeylo]

You need to step away from him, big time. If anything, you might end up being the home wrecker.

[VeveCakes]

No one is going to die because their husband left them. If anything it would force her to grow up and start taking care of herself.

[ShatteredLady]

I'd have a deeper think about the very one-sided impression you are being presented with.

 

She NEVER goes out. She NEVER dresses-up or looks after herself etc. BUT they have close friends & family... HOW? If she never sees them & he never goes anywhere without her HOW do they maintain these relationships that he doesn't want to loose? Bit strange if you think about it...

 

You may see him as just a friend who you have no romantic interests in BUT how does he see you? Are you sure that this isn't a one-sided EA? Rewriting marital history & grossly exaggerating the wife's faults are VERY common!!

[CaliforniaGirl]

I wonder what his wife would have to say about their marriage and about who does what and so on?

 

And I wonder if this is the first time? Or the third or the fifth or...?

 

You're already falling in line with the grooming process, OP. Just look at your heavily slanted subject line WITHOUT even knowing the wife. Your panties are halfway down already. This can only mean pain for you. Run.

[basil67]

No one is going to die because their husband left them. If anything it would force her to grow up and start taking care of herself.

 

Actually suicides do happen when relationships end. I know one guy who did suicide from this and my ex tried unsuccessfully. A little more thought before writing something like this might be advisable.

 

That said, we can't give up our lives to support someone who is emotionally unstable or unable to care for themselves and refuses to do anything about it.

[VeveCakes]

Actually suicides do happen when relationships end. I know one guy who did suicide from this and my ex tried unsuccessfully. A little more thought before writing something like this might be advisable.

 

That said, we can't give up our lives to support someone who is emotionally unstable or unable to care for themselves and refuses to do anything about it.

 

that wasn't what I meant at all......obviously people commit suicide for many many reasons and usually the event is just the catalyst and not the symptom. I don't need to be scolded for leaving out all possibilities.

 

My comment was meant as in - she is not going to not eat, and just sit there helpless forever because the OP leaves.

[road]

You make a good point, angel.eyes! I do my best to not overstep, hence why I am reluctant to tell him what I truly think and have to bite my tongue a lot. Even though he is choosing to confide in me, I would still feel awkward about putting my 2 cents in on their relationship. I think he is truly lost and perhaps feels I am the only one he can talk to, as I am an outsider to their marriage - I am a neutral party, whereas his other friends and family would likely defend his wife as they only see her 'good' side.

 

It is incredibly frustrating that he is not doing anything to fix the situation so it 'seems' like he doesn't truly care about the marriage - it seems he has already given up and makes excuse after excuse, it's "wrong timing", "maybe she'll change", "I made my choices and I have to stick with them" etc. At first I felt sorry for him but now I actually feel quite mad at him for letting it get to this stage, but I still want to be there for him because we have been friends for years. It is definitely a difficult spot to be in...

 

Married people do not need opposite sex friends.

[tinydancer93]

Road, that's a ridiculous thing to say. So when any of my male friends get married, I should immediately stop talking to them and delete myself out of their lives?

[BaileyB]

This sounds much like my boyfriends first marriage... She didn't change, he divorced her... She is still the same, struggling to get through life. He is much happier and does not regret his decision.

 

It's hard, but you live the life you create. At the end of the day, he has to decide when it's enough and he has to create a better life for himself. Hopefully, he doesn't waste too many years before he realizes this...