Pippie75 Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 (edited) Hello, I am 41 years old, my husband is 42. We have been together for almost 11 years, married for almost 4 years. My husband has always liked porn, taking pictures of women on the beach, in stores, etc. He has always been very open about this, and has even wanted me to participate in all of it. We tried porn for a while together, and we would have sex 3-4 times a day. Once we stopped sharing porn, we stopped having sex, or we would have it maybe once per week, if I initiated only. I understand that porn viewing and using is extremely prevalent and many people support its use. I also know that the fact that my husband is not keeping it a secret is a good thing. But it still bothers me. He downloads porn on a DAILY basis if he's home with a lot of time on his hands. He has it organized so neatly on the computer, each porn person has their own folder! There are tons of images and videos. Perhaps, in the thousands. My other issue: He will take candid photos of women in shops, the park, the beach. Wherever there may be an "inspiring" image, he will capture it. Then he saves these on the computer. Again, he's very open about it. He has even told me he always wanted a partner who could share this "kinky" side with him. I DON'T. At this point, after years of this, I feel completely unattractive and detached. I feel as though any woman on the street or on the computer screen is more desirable to him than I am. I actually told him this yesterday and he said there is nothing he can do about. That I have shamed him for years, not accepting porn or his picture taking, and that he feel judged and unaccepted by me. He said I make him feel like his parents would. Like he's doing something wrong. He told me that after 10 years in a relationship, it is normal for desirability to decrease and that I don't exactly do anything to seduce him. I told him that it is very difficult to try and be seductive when I feel completely sexually worthless and not wanted sexually. He told me that I have to get over it and try harder. So, that is where I am. I feel detached, resentful, disgusted, and quite frankly, tired of this relationship. We have other issues as well, but I would be making all of you read a novel. Thoughts? Edited January 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 He's addicted to porn....and pretty intensely too. I myself am not a supporter or fan of porn at all and think it will have long lasting effects on society for being so available to youth but thats another thread altogether. Porn is one thing....like I said a collection like that I could not personally deal with, but the creeping on people and taking their pictures and saving them?? That is seriously not ok. These women have not given their permission. He is basically being the ultimate creepazoid there. I could in no way ever accept that and honestly I feel like it should be illegal but it probably isn't. He is too old and far gone for help and I doubt he even wants it. The question is whether you will continue to be second best to a bunch of fake women on a computer screen or whether you can find yourself enough to demand better and be number 1 and if he isn't willing to do it then you might be better off on your own. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Yes, your husband has a major problem. That is taking it to a whole other level and the taking pictures of women without their knowledge or consent. He is one sick puppy. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Sooner or Later Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Your husband is definitely addicted to porn and his behaviour is abusive (to you and to these unknown women he takes pictures of...so gross and no respect). I never used to have much of a problem with porn until I realized its harms -- both to the participants and to the viewers and the increasing levels of degradation towards women in them. I would leave him *just* over this issue. He has a serious problem and you should not have to live with his sickness. Here's a website that might be helpful to explore: Home - Fight the New Drug 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MadJackBird Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Yup it's an Addiction. It will only get worse. A lot of people with this type of addiction, if left to it's own devices end up in Prison. The collection of normal porn isn't enough to fuel their addiction, so they keep collecting more and more taboo things, until they are collecting things that are illegal. It happened to someone I know. It's actually not much different then the narcotic pill addict that can't get the same high from one pill so they end up taking 2 pills, then 3 then 4 etc etc. That was the addiction my former wife had. Have him look into addiction support group, I recommend Celebrate Recovery which has specific small groups for sexual addictions. Of course he has to admit he has a problem first, he probably won't if you are enabling it, so just leave. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Yup it's an Addiction. It will only get worse. A lot of people with this type of addiction, if left to it's own devices end up in Prison. The collection of normal porn isn't enough to fuel their addiction, so they keep collecting more and more taboo things, until they are collecting things that are illegal. It happened to someone I know. It's actually not much different then the narcotic pill addict that can't get the same high from one pill so they end up taking 2 pills, then 3 then 4 etc etc. That was the addiction my former wife had. Have him look into addiction support group, I recommend Celebrate Recovery which has specific small groups for sexual addictions. Of course he has to admit he has a problem first, he probably won't if you are enabling it, so just leave. Exactly. And the voyeur thing can easily lead to peeping tom, or upskirt photos. OP does your husband do either of those? Because they are illegal. I feel sick thinking about the women he has violated. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 FWIW I don't have any issues with porn until it's being used in place of me. That is what your husband is doing. Unfortunately, he's going to have to see it's a problem for it to get better. It sounds like there is some resentment on both sides. If he can realize what's going on and do something (and you too) then things have a change IMO but if he continues to deny it and not care about the impact it's having on you and your relationship I would leave a man over that issue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Yeah, not okay. It's not okay for him to tell you this is your problem. It's not okay for him to put porn before you. It's not okay to allow porn to damage your real life sex life. But this has been going on for a while and it sounds like you have been accepting it - and now he is so far gone, I don't foresee him doing a 180. I don't generally have an issue with porn, but this is porn addiction. And the taking pictures of women in stores, on the beach etc? Sorry, that would have sent me running as if my hair was on fire at the first disclosure. Major creep factor. When did he tell you about this? Why did you accept it? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SeenNotHeard Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Sorry OP this is bad. He is a hardcore porn addict excuse the pun. Him telling you to do better is not cool. The taking of pictures of women without their consent a violation. This all consuming addiction would be a deal breaker for me, the bottom line is it a deal breaker for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 I actually told him this yesterday and he said there is nothing he can do about. That I have shamed him for years, not accepting porn or his picture taking, and that he feel judged and unaccepted by me. He said I make him feel like his parents would. Like he's doing something wrong. He told me that after 10 years in a relationship, it is normal for desirability to decrease and that I don't exactly do anything to seduce him. I told him that it is very difficult to try and be seductive when I feel completely sexually worthless and not wanted sexually. He told me that I have to get over it and try harder. It would be one thing if he saw his current unhealthy situation as a problem. He sees it as a personal and marital right. Pippie75, are you willing to try and get him into counseling? If not, the common sense answer would be to leave, situation not going to improve on its own. Like any other addiction, the user has to find his own bottom. In his case, might be an arrest for stalking/voyeurism... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Porn is fine, until it affects the your sex life and your relationship... which is what is happening in your marriage. Taking pictures of unknowing women, is at best disturbing. At worst, it is illegal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pippie75 Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 My husband and I had a difficult weekend. I forgot to mention that he is unemployed, so he has a lot of time on his hands. I returned from work yesterday evening and looked on the computer. I know perhaps I should not look, but I do. And every day he is downloading porn. Well, yesterday I found pictures of two women I know he used to work with years ago. He found them on Facebook (I could tell by the download link) and he was downloading their pictures. They were just ordinary pictures, but why would he be doing that? So, confronted him because I was just disgusted. I asked him why he is doing that, and does he want those women. I said "clearly you must have something for them, because what would make you think of them, look them up, and then save their pictures?" He said he uses all pictures for fantasy purposes and those women are just as "disposable" as any porn picture he downloads. None of it means anything, all those pictures are simply a means to an end. He told me I put way to much meaning behind it, when it means nothing. At this point I feel so disgusted by him, I don't even want to touch him. In four months we were planning on moving out of state so he will have better luck at a job. At this point, I feel as though he should go by himself. I own my own business here, my entire family is here. Why should I leave and make myself miserable somewhere else? Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
rick2016 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 A short message...he leaves you stay, those pictures do mean something to him, or he would not be keeping them..If you go out of state,you will be regretting it... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 At this point, I feel as though he should go by himself. I own my own business here, my entire family is here. Why should I leave and make myself miserable somewhere else? Thoughts? Keep your business going and keep your friends and family close. Do not move out of state. This is over, bar the shouting. Look after yourself now, make yourself the number one priority. In order for an addict to be cured they need to want to be cured. He is damaging you, but doesn't care as to his mind he is doing nothing wrong... This isn't fixable. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Women are obviously not disposable. He is justifying his actions. I would not move. Don't leave your business and your family for a man who has such little respect for you. You have too much to lose. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I don't exactly *love* porn, but I don't have an issue if my H occasionally looks at it or keeps a few images on his computer. This? This is....pathological. I would not accept this, especially from someone who should have other priorities, like finding work! I'm sorry, OP. Definitely do not think you should uproot your life, not when the relationship is in this condition. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Don't give up your business and nearby family for this guy!!!! No way!!!! I would feel just sick about it as well if this was my SO. Sounds like he needs to hit a rock bottom, and it's not too far off. Downloading old co-workers photos to masterbate to? They are not porn stars! They did not sign up for that. Just like the women in public did not give their consent. He seems to have very little respect for women. They are to be used for his (sounds like extremely frequent) masterbation, and he doesn't care about them. Sorry, but what you have told us about him - gees he sounds gross. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Taking pics of women without their consent is super creepy and possibly illegal. If he has hundreds of pornos off the internet on his hard drive, there's a good chance some of those videos contain illegal content as well. I can't believe his response to you and can't imagine that many women would put up with this. Forget relocating for this loser, you should leave before he gets arrested. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 At this point, after years of this, I feel completely unattractive and detached. I feel as though any woman on the street or on the computer screen is more desirable to him than I am. I actually told him this yesterday and he said there is nothing he can do about. That I have shamed him for years, not accepting porn or his picture taking, and that he feel judged and unaccepted by me. He said I make him feel like his parents would. Like he's doing something wrong. Wow. See what he did there? You came to him with a valid concern about how something he's doing is hurting you, and he COMPLETELY turned it around to make it seem as if it's your fault. Narcissist behavior. He's not going to change so you need to decide if you can live with it. It doesn't sound like you can so I would start looking at divorce as an option. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 My husband and I had a difficult weekend. I forgot to mention that he is unemployed, so he has a lot of time on his hands. Which means he also has plenty of time to find a job, even a temporary one below his skill level or outside his field. Which make a bigger contribution to your relationship - flipping burgers or downloading Hustler girls? Why should I leave and make myself miserable somewhere else? Thoughts? And why would you ask a question you already know the answer to? Have some faith in your judgement and instincts, doesn't make sense to follow a dysfunctional relationship cross-country until/unless he addresses his issues... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Epicurus77 Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 (edited) These* are relationship issues involving pornography not a pornography issue involving a relationship. Seems unfortunately like you two are too deep in.....(for forum advice to be a fixer). (An analogy is you both have already blown the engine then (you (he is clueless & got a fogged up relationship antenna)) worried about oil level). Eleven years is serious business. Beware of commenters who dismiss this. I would get Pro help, if I was you. Your next hurdle is shifting the 'pro-help' wheat-from-the-shaft. Good fortune to you both. ..... *sexual dysfunction, intimacy dysfunction, communication dysfunction, unshared values Edited January 12, 2017 by Epicurus77 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AngryGromit Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 (edited) Sorry OP this is bad. He is a hardcore porn addict excuse the pun. Him telling you to do better is not cool. The taking of pictures of women without their consent a violation. I'm one of the people who feel watching a little porn now and then is perfectly fine, perhaps even healthly. But there are limits. If he's unemployed, his #1 focus should be looking for work, not expanding his porn collection. If it was me, I'd take away his computer and tell him he gets it back after he gets a job. If he's taking photos of other women without there knowledge, my first concern would be is he taking photos of you without your knowledge. He probably has a nice little folder of photos of you on his computer coming out of the shower, when you have sex, etc. You certainly don't want the ending up on the internet if he gets angry at you or you get a divorce. I would take a serious look for hidden cameras and search his computer for your name. Edited January 27, 2017 by AngryGromit 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AngryGromit Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 In four months we were planning on moving out of state so he will have better luck at a job. At this point, I feel as though he should go by himself. I own my own business here, my entire family is here. Why should I leave and make myself miserable somewhere else? Thoughts? Let's set aside your other marriage issues for a moment, and look that the job situation. Do you think it's prudent to give up the only income your household has to move to another place where you both out of work and looking? Seems a tad risky to me. It be more logical to have him go to another place to look for work, and after he secures gainful employment, then join him. Now back to his Porn issues. Do you know why he lost his job? Because there's a good chance that if he's addicted to porn at home, he's looking was looking at it at work too, maybe he got fired because of it. Also I'm sure he's using the were moving in four months as an excuse not to look for work. There's no jobs here, I'll look start looking again when we move! Unless you live in MiddleofNowhere, population 2,000, new jobs are posted every day, just because yesterday there was nothing, doesn't been today or tomorrow there will not be job postings. Another possible reason he wants to move is if he's a professional and was caught with his hand in the porn cookie jar at work, his rep could be in tatters. People talk, no former employer is going to tell a potential employer that he was let go because he was looking at porn at work, but people in he worked with might, with Linkedin, looking up a contacts is just a click away. I might be complete off base here, he may have been laid off completely unrelated to porn, but these are questions you should be asking. If moving to another city is the answer to his unemployment, then he needs to go by himself, rents a room or share a house cheap as possible, look for work 24/7 and when he gets something stable, decide weather or not you want to join him there. Also he leaves his porn collect at home, it will be safe next to the shredder and fireplace, so long as he does what he's suppose to do. And don't forget about backups, any self respecting porn addict will have CD's, DVD, Blue Ray disks, Thumb drives, external HD backups of there porn in case the computer crashes. help him pack, make sure he doesn't sneak anything in his luggage. He just needs a laptop to log online to look for work. Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 Porn is fine, until it affects the your sex life and your relationship... which is what is happening in your marriage. Taking pictures of unknowing women, is at best disturbing. At worst, it is illegal. Not illegal in most public places unless it's an up skirt pic or something. The general idea is whether the person would have a general expectation of privacy. When you are out in public a reasonable person would expect to be seen by the public, thus your image while out in public is in the public domain. However, it's creepy as **** to be photographing random women for your masturbation collection. This guy has a serious porn addiction and needs help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 The average woman sees men like your husband as a predator & a pervert. How does that make you feel? You are considering sacrificing EVERYTHING by moving away from all you know & have. You are putting your trust & life in the hands of a man like this? I don't care how he justifies his perversions...think about how this has changed your standards. This man collects photographs of women to masterbate to! I DO NOT want to be YOUR friend! I do not want to come to YOUR home. I wouldn't want my daughter or nieces around YOU. I would not want any of my female friends to be near YOU. This is who YOU have become because of this man. Do you like the idea of shallow PERVERTS who believe that women are disposable masterbating & fantascising over YOU? Creepy perverts like this are one tiny step away from peeping Tom's...peeping Tom's are considered perverted DANGEROUS men. You are married to that! I'm so sorry. You have been conditioned to accept the unacceptable. Please take care of yourself. Please don't move away & isolate yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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