Haunted by a fling

[BadatThis]

I feel guilty typing this, like it is a betrayal of my happy family life, but I would really appreciate some advice and insight.

 

Nearly a decade ago I met an amazing man and had a six month fling with him. The usual story I guess: he was handsome, charming and the chemistry was great. The only drawback was that a few months into the fling I discovered he was a bit of a player and seeing other people. I was too hooked to break things off at this point and it took me a few more months before I tore myself away from his grip (I was hurting myself as I had strong feelings for this man and it was clear he wasn't viewing our connection in the same way). That is fine and if that was my story I could deal with it. This is where it gets tricky >>>

 

SO I moved on and a couple of years later he gets back in touch. General chit chat at first but then it became more suggestive and we discussed meeting up. He is very successful and still all the things that drew me to him, so I was somewhat flattered that he had looked me up. The problem was I was in a relationship by this stage and so I was always torn between my old feelings for this man and my love for my new partner. He never really put himself on the line (even though I did a few times) and I never understood his renewed contact so I told myself he would hurt me again and to concentrate on my new partner -- and so I never met up with the fling. One time he did send me a sentimental message but I told myself I was reading too much into it and replied with humour. Another year or so goes by and I get married to my partner. I wanted to draw a line under the past (I had had several dysfunctional relationships in my youth) and start my new life with my new husband.

 

Shortly after marrying all the feelings I had kept under wraps for my fling came shooting to the surface again when my fling contacted me to congratulate me on my marriage (the world of social media!). I didn't adapt well to marriage and I felt trapped for the first year or so -- I think I may have been depressed. During this time I sent a message to my fling and he suggested we meet up. When I initiated this contact I was driven by desire, but by the time we met up a few months later I felt so guilty and torn that I didn't tell him about my true feelings for him. He hinted at some regret (nothing major -- just that he used to have self esteem issues) but again didn't put himself on the line and so I pretended like I had gone there just to draw a line under the past and move on (I may have even convinced myself of this at the time). And so we had a drink and I left early, giving him a parting peck on the cheek. I then deleted his number and so on.

 

Since then I think about him regularly. Usually I am able to realize I am heading off into fantasy land, but a few times a year I have such strong feelings for him and my reason turns to longing and heartache (to some degree). I can't contact him anymore, I'd look crazy and sad. Maybe that is what is adding to this sense of a lost opportunity. A lost chance. I mean, if I meant anything to him surely he would have made that clear all along. So why does his memory haunt me? And what can I do about it?

 

I am happily married to a wonderful man, but I suppose if I am honest the chemistry isn't always there. I just feel like I have lost myself somewhere along the line. I think I have become a calmer, more considered individual, but I am a romantic at heart and I don't feel like I am being true to that side of myself. Do I just need to move on and grow up? Maybe I am just bad at being an adult.

[Simple Logic]

No problem. Just tell your husband you are leaving him for a very attractive and successful man that cheated on you many years ago and be on your way.

[Satu]

snip

I am happily married to a wonderful man, but I suppose if I am honest the chemistry isn't always there. I just feel like I have lost myself somewhere along the line. I think I have become a calmer, more considered individual, but I am a romantic at heart and I don't feel like I am being true to that side of myself. *Do I just need to move on and grow up? Maybe I am just bad at being an adult.

 

*Yes, you do.

 

You should also re-evaluate you marriage, and your ability to keep your side of it healthy and honest.

 

 

Take care.

[elaine567]

The usual story I guess: he was handsome, charming and the chemistry was great.

 

That is what players are good at. He hooked you with the Hollywood version of "love", but players know they cannot sustain it.

They constantly need others to get "the buzz" and to replace those that they know will eventually find out the "love" they offer is only shallow and superficial. They know they have an expiry date, so they move on to others before their luck runs out.

 

I am happily married to a wonderful man, but I suppose if I am honest the chemistry isn't always there. I just feel like I have lost myself somewhere along the line. I think I have become a calmer, more considered individual, but I am a romantic at heart and I don't feel like I am being true to that side of myself. Do I just need to move on and grow up? Maybe I am just bad at being an adult.

 

YOU are pining for "love", but you already have it in abundance if you only care to look.

YOU have happiness and that is something you need to cherish.

YOUR "player" will only bring you misery and heart ache.

[BadatThis]

Thank you for the replies, the tough love as well as the kindness. I am usually a very above board person and I know my behaviour here is not up to my usual standard (my husband also knows I struggled in our first year of marriage). I want to do better.

 

Elaine567, I think you have hit the nail on the head there. It is fantasy. I should count my blessings and live in the present. Thank you.

 

I just know I can't be alone in this struggle and wanted to get some perspectives. I can't talk to anyone about this in "real" life so thank you all for your replies -- it has helped.

 

Much love.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am a romantic at heart and I don't feel like I am being true to that side of myself.

 

BadAtThis, my wife is a romantic at heart. How do I know?

 

She enables intimacy, both physical and emotional

She treats me with love, consideration and kindness

She respects the boundaries a healthy relationship requires

She prioritizes our marriage

 

You're been a romantic fool at heart, big difference. One acts lovingly, the other waits - and hopes - to feel love.

 

Which one would you rather be married to ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[BadatThis]

Hello Mr. Lucky, I know you won't believe me but I also provide those things for my husband and we do have a happy life. I agree that I have been foolish in the past and overstepped the mark a few times. I am not a bad person though and I don't believe there are many saints out there -- your wife may well be.

 

I get your point though, just don't appreciate the judgemental tone.

 

I personally don't think it such a bad thing to be a fool now and then -- and I am a romantic.

[BadatThis]

If I could delete the above post I would. Thank you, Mr Lucky, that is helpful. I have been a fool.

[Mr. Lucky]

I get your point though, just don't appreciate the judgemental tone.

 

I try hard to make my tone informational, sorry if you feel I missed the mark.

 

Hope your choices bring you happiness...

 

Mr. Lucky

[understand50]

BadAtThis,

 

I will try and not be judgemental, but I would say you are having issues with the here and now. The here and now is hard, always is for everyone. You have to deal with a real live man, and do your best to stay married and in "love". Hard work. You feel you missed a chance with your past lover. You have tried to rekindle several times, and once after you were married. By the grace of God you escaped cheating, but you wonder, "What may have been?"

 

"What may have been?" is easy. It is what ever you need it to be. You discount your past lover cheating on you, not reaching out to you, not showing you unconditional love, not committing to you. In your mind, he is the ultimate man, the one you should be with.

 

I will tell you as a man, I could not compete with this. How can I? How can your husband? How can any man, and this would include your past lover. If you somehow got together, he could not live up to the idea of what you think he is. Cary Grant, once lamented, "Every man wants to be Cary Grant, including me"

 

My advise to you, from a man who has been married successfully for over 40 years, is to live in the here and now. You have a husband who marred you, who loves you, who is with you now. Find the love you seek with he who loves you, and recognize that what you are pinning for never existed. It was a dream, and dreams can be good or destructive. For you, it is destructive.

 

Live with the love of here and now, and the man who has committed to you.

 

I wish you luck......

[angel.eyes]

Please understand that no one here is judging you or trying to make you feel bad. It's clear you are struggling and trying to do the right thing. Posters are simply trying to help you on your journey.

 

With that, here is my input...

 

I am a romantic at heart and I don't feel like I am being true to that side of myself. Do I just need to move on and grow up? Maybe I am just bad at being an adult.

It was a short fling and he cheated on you for most of it!!!

 

No, it's not romantic. It would be asinine to throw away a genuine relationship and head back for another fling with a cheating, promiscuous player. All he offers is a smooth facade, sweet nothings, the commitment ability of a gnat, and maybe an incurable STI at this point. There's nothing of substance there. Certainly not love! There's nothing romantic about him or what he can offer. Players promise relationships and everything under the sun because they know they have no intention of sticking around long enough to deal with the consequences of those promises.

 

Selecting him over your marriage is no different than being completely famished and picking a candy bar over a hearty, well-cooked gourmet meal (dessert included). Sure, the sugar rush from the candy bar is great. But then you're hungry in an hour and dealing with the low that follows the sugar rush. Not to mention it has zero nutrition. Is a diet of nothing but candy bars sustainable for very long? How about gourmet meals? Are you looking for an unstable short fling that will give you a few highs, but a lot of crashes? How did you feel every time you caught him cheating on you with another woman? Did that feel romantic? Did you feel desirable? What did it do for your self-esteem? Was that being true to yourself?

 

You're confusing infatuation for a fantasy you've built in your mind with love. That despite the reality of promiscuity and cheating you experienced with him during the short fling. Why is that?

 

I wanted to draw a line under the past

When you're in a relationship/marriage, there is absolutely no reason to meet an ex who periodically returns with suggestive talk. You could have declined his invite via Facebook or however he messaged you. Meeting to reconnect and rehash old times under the guise of setting boundaries fooled no one. He's a player. He knows how this game goes. He'll put you back in the rotation of revisits after a suitable time elapses and try his luck again.

 

(I had had several dysfunctional relationships in my youth) and start my new life with my new husband..

 

Shortly after marrying all the feelings I had kept under wraps for my fling came shooting to the surface again when my fling contacted me to congratulate me on my marriage (the world of social media!). I didn't adapt well to marriage and I felt trapped

Unfortunately, there is something about dysfunctional partners that you find incredibly appealing. That's probably why you feel you aren't being "true" to yourself by picking your husband. That's why you call a cheating, promiscuous player who periodically sniffs around exes in relationships and married women to see if they might bite, an "amazing" man. That's probably why you can't recognize what you have with your husband as love. Dysfunction feels more authentic to you.

 

Consider counseling to explore why this is. I suspect you will never feel satisfied in your current marriage or enjoy it until you understand this. In fact, you're at risk for jeopardizing or destroying your marriage because it feels so wrong and "untrue" to you. You're trapped where you don't want to be even though you know intellectually where you are is a better place than your "amazing" player could ever offer.

 

I hope you find this helpful. I think individual counseling will be very beneficial for you.

 

Best of luck!

[grays]

I was married for 25 years and had a similar fantasy man situation, except he was a great guy, not a player. He actually ended up becoming a very close friend of ours as a couple and was in our wedding party. I had let go of my feelings for him for years, but during my second pregnancy, about five years before my marriage ended and several years since I had any contact with him, I had an extremely vivid dream about him and, like you, after that it would sort of revisit me every few months.

 

My marriage ended about 2 1/2 years ago, which was not in any way related to those feelings. And interestingly I have barely thought about him, definitely no longing like I had done during my marriage. I have thought at times that this is my chance if I want to go there, but I really don't. Just recently he contacted me and he's in a relationship. I was happy to hear that he's doing well and it was nice to catch up but it didn't reignite anything in me.

 

I kind of think my feelings about him during my marriage were about missing having those feelings, which might be more about new love than anything else, something my husband couldn't possibly do for me.

[BadatThis]

Thank you so much Understand50 and angel.eyes for your considered responses -- and apologies again to Mr. Lucky for being sensitive. That Cary Grant quote will stay with me and I am thankful to receive advice from somebody that has been married for so long. It is a destructive force and angel.eyes is right to suggest counselling. I will definitely look into that as it is becoming clear that I am struggling with these issues alone. I have tried mindfulness and I do try to live in the present, but I obviously need some help now.

 

 

grays, I think I can relate in some way to what you are saying. Perhaps I am just missing a certain feeling rather than the person.

 

But that is insane in my case as my fling gave me real highs and terrible lows and he did make me feel rubbish about myself. Then his turning up again signalled to me that I must have been someone worth knowing after all. Yes, I think I have self esteem issues here. Understand50 and angel.eyes have made that clear to me. Seems so simple when other people point it out. Thank you! Truly, thank you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thank you so much Understand50 and angel.eyes for your considered responses -- and apologies again to Mr. Lucky for being sensitive.

 

BadatThis, why do you continue to label him as your "fling" ?

 

To me, a fling is something a single person has on a trip to the Hawaiian Islands.

 

He's a potential affair partner, the person you've considered cheating on your husband with. Using such a casual term seems an attempt to minimize the degree to which you've played with marital fire. If you truly have a "happy life" with a "wonderful man", hope you decide you that's something worth keeping...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BadatThis]

Hey Mr. Lucky,

 

I started thinking of him that way after things panned out the way they did when I first knew him. When we first met I was very much single and I was blown away by him. The relationship started as most healthy relationships do and I was hoping it would turn into a committed relationship. He had other ideas (as I was to find out) and so I guess it just hurt less to think of it as a fling -- we were never official or anything like that. I suppose he didn't owe me anything. He may have misled me -- it was a shock at the time. So that is that and that is all neat (sort of).

 

The contact after that was sporadic and I still don't really know what it was all about -- I doubt he does either. I never really saw him as a potential affair partner (even though the desire was there) as to this day I don't understand the man. Best left in the past, I know.

 

I think Understand50's message really got to the crux of it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I never really saw him as a potential affair partner (even though the desire was there) as to this day I don't understand the man.

 

Not sure why you won't face reality:

 

During this time I sent a message to my fling and he suggested we meet up. When I initiated this contact I was driven by desire, but by the time we met up a few months later I felt so guilty and torn that I didn't tell him about my true feelings for him. He hinted at some regret (nothing major -- just that he used to have self esteem issues) but again didn't put himself on the line and so I pretended like I had gone there just to draw a line under the past and move on (I may have even convinced myself of this at the time). And so we had a drink and I left early, giving him a parting peck on the cheek. I then deleted his number and so on.

 

Had this meeting gone differently - let's say he professed feelings equal to yours - don't you think you would have crossed more boundaries?

 

BadatThis, this is gut check time. You can continue to think and act self-destructively and eventually pay the price. Or you can start being honest with yourself about the moral shortcuts you've taken and become a more authentic person, both in life and marriage. Seems like you want to do the right thing, hope you follow through...

 

Mr. Lucky

[road]

Thank you so much Understand50 and angel.eyes for your considered responses -- and apologies again to Mr. Lucky for being sensitive. That Cary Grant quote will stay with me and I am thankful to receive advice from somebody that has been married for so long. It is a destructive force and angel.eyes is right to suggest counselling. I will definitely look into that as it is becoming clear that I am struggling with these issues alone. I have tried mindfulness and I do try to live in the present, but I obviously need some help now.

 

 

grays, I think I can relate in some way to what you are saying. Perhaps I am just missing a certain feeling rather than the person.

 

But that is insane in my case as my fling gave me real highs and terrible lows and he did make me feel rubbish about myself. Then his turning up again signalled to me that I must have been someone worth knowing after all. Yes, I think I have self esteem issues here. Understand50 and angel.eyes have made that clear to me. Seems so simple when other people point it out. Thank you! Truly, thank you.

 

No. Ah, Ah, (with a head shaking no side to side) no way Jose. Forgit aboot et.

 

 

You gave him side action in the past. So he figured the chances are good that he would get you to be his side piece and put out again.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Bad at This, you have received a lot of good advice from a number of well meaning people so I guess I do not have much more to add. I wonder how old you are? If you are late twenties or early thirties I think you would be mature enough to realize that you are walking along a cliff edge and that you need to step back immediately for your own sake and that of your husband.

 

I would like to quote two very pertinent sayings for you and I am sure you would appreciate the wisdom contained in both. The first is " Once burned twice shy" and the other is " A bird in hand is worth two in the bush". Your husband is your bird in hand and you must guard your relationship with him jealously. You only face pain and disappointment if you continue to think longingly of your 'fling' partner. He is a man with no scruples who would want to seduce a happily married woman and then throw her under the bus. I hope some of this helps. Warm wishes.

[fireflywy]

Tough situation. I think you should let your current husband go because youve already lit a match in your mind that you two dont have "chemistry" aka hes not "hot." I would Free him. Then take some time to consider how you weigh relationships vs lust (that's what this is; you're hung up on looks).

 

Then take some time alone to grow.

Edited January 8, 2017 by fireflywy

[Whitestar]

I consider myself to be a Romantic. A Romantic is an Idealist. A person with ideals and convictions and principles. A person who values honor and virtue. A person who stands by their words.

 

Falling in love with a person is romantic. ****ing someone while in a relationship with someone else is not romantic. Its selfish and shallow.

Edited January 8, 2017 by Whitestar

[Cephalopod]

First you say this:

 

 

I didn't adapt well to marriage and I felt trapped for the first year or so -- I think I may have been depressed.

 

 

...then you say this:

 

 

I am happily married to a wonderful man, but I suppose if I am honest the chemistry isn't always there. I just feel like I have lost myself somewhere along the line. I think I have become a calmer, more considered individual, but I am a romantic at heart and I don't feel like I am being true to that side of myself. Do I just need to move on and grow up? Maybe I am just bad at being an adult.

 

It is possible.

 

Do you love your husband as a lover, or as a companion and friend? Are you sexually attracted to your husband? If you are constantly fantasizing about this OM, then you can see where we question your love for your spouse.

 

Have you ever sat down and told your husband how you feel about this other man? Have you told your husband you are not as sexually attracted to him as you are to this other man? Have you told him about the last meetup?

 

I'm with many of the others here. You are an affair waiting to happen. It may not happen with this particular OM, but down the road, if you don't start being hionest with yourself and with your husband, you will cheat. It is an almost certainty. For whatever reasons, your husband and your marriage are not fulfilling. It won't matter if it is this OM or another. Somewhere down the line you will get fed up and you will be looking for an exit. It's best to get this out in the open and deal with it.

[heartwhole]

"Love is a Lumpy Thing" by Marge Piercy

 

Love is a lumpy thing.

Infatuation is peacock tails,

fountains of rose petals,

always music underneath

like a movie crescendoing.

 

Love is cutting onions

for supper when you are

already tired. Love is patched

of hope and habit and desire,

a tent mended nightly.

 

Love is tough as a bone

you gnaw on, suck out

the marrow. Love is a bone

of which you make soup

and, surprise, it sustains you.

 

Infatuation is fun, a tango

in a grove of mirrors. Love

is just work, what you do

one day after the next

like bricks laid end to end.

 

In finality, infatuation

leaves you with a sticky

sweet residue in the bottom

of the glass, and love is all

you remember as you’re dying.

 

 

 

I wonder if this will resonate with you: http://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/07/opinion/sunday/yes-its-your-parents-fault.html

[BadatThis]

Thank you, heartwhole, that does resonate with me. I think it would also resonate with the OM -- perhaps that is another reason I feel there is a connection (he touched on his past and issues when we were together). I love my parents, and I know they did their best, but I can see that I do have some hangovers from the household in which I was brought up. I guess I have never really dealt with that as, again, I always felt it would betray their love and cast them in a negative light. The story is always more complex than that, isn't it.

 

I wish I had spoken more honestly with the OM the last time we met Perhaps things would be clearer now. I think he has grown as a person over the years, and I should have acknowledged that and not approached our meeting as if he were his old self. However, I acknowledge that I need to leave those thoughts in the past now as I can see that no good can come of it.

 

Mr. Lucky, I think you are right. If he had professed feelings for me and offered potential for a future together, then I think things could have been very different. As much as it pains me to admit that. But it wouldn't have been an affair that would have resulted. I think, at that stage (a number of years ago now), I would have left my husband and taken the gamble.

 

I know that makes it sound like I disregard my husband or that he is not equal to this OM in my mind. The thing is, I know my husband is the better man and he has so many qualities that I admire. And I am very much attracted to him. We have had a number of heart to hearts over the years and he knows I have destructive tendencies that I hate. He knows I have issues. I did attempt to confess all a few years ago but a confidant told me it would cause heartache all around for no real reason (I have not been in contact with the OM for some time). BUT perhaps I do need to bring the deceit out into the open.

 

I know I don't sound it here (this is my dark side under the spotlight at the moment), but I am usually an open book and I have never cheated on anybody (although I appreciate I may have emotionally cheated with the OM). I am as shocked by my behaviour with the OM as anyone. I try to bury the feelings, but they come back every now and then.

 

As for cheating, I feel that if I met the OM and managed to resist temptation (I mean, he did ask me back to his place) then I doubt I would cheat with anybody else. It is only the OM that I am so drawn to. I don't notice other men.

 

I need to leave it all in the past and deal with my destructive side. And, yes, maybe that involves confessing everything to my husband.

 

A lot of the comments made here have helped me. Thank you.

[understand50]

BadatThis,

 

I think you are doing better then you know. It looks like you have realized what what you are feeling is a fantasy, and that you are in a better place. "The road not taken" is a seductive thing, and you are not the first to fall under its spell. You are one, who realizes what is going on, and this is to your credit.

 

Your thought of having a long talk with your husband and go over what you are feeling, and how you have dealt with it, will help. Just be prepared for some hurt feeling on his side, but remind him you picked him, and just need a little love and understanding. If he is the man you talk about, I am sure everything will be fine.

 

As for cheating, you did not, but you did come close. Let this be two things. One a test you pasted, so be happy and proud, but the second a warning of what to look out for in the future. I have found reading here and viewing life in general, that things happen just as you get a little "cocky". I am sure you will do fine, and in the future will be much better prepared for what life will throw at you.

 

On the subject of your OM, I would just let it go. If he contacts you again, ask him not to, and them tell your husband. That road is closed. If he wanted you, he could have had you those many years ago. Maybe he is learning a hard lesson, that when love is offered, it is best to take it instead of putting it off and then replacing it for another. Sounds like a lonely man, no matter how many lovers he manages to bed.

 

I wish you luck.....

[BadatThis]

Thank you, Understand50. Everything you have said makes a lot of sense and I am grateful for your insight. Honestly, thank you very much. I will heed your advice.