Satu Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 snip I know I don't sound it here (*this is my dark side under the spotlight at the moment), but I am usually an open book and I have never cheated on anybody (although I appreciate I may have emotionally cheated with the OM). I am as shocked by my behaviour with the OM as anyone. I try to bury the feelings, but they come back every now and then. *I need to leave it all in the past and deal with my destructive side. And, yes, maybe that involves confessing everything to my husband. A lot of the comments made here have helped me. Thank you. Give some thought to this statement: "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." —C. G. Jung Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 (edited) Hi Bad, I think you are doing very well( at least till now and you seem to be endowed with great common sense). What Understand said makes eminent sense.. I only want to add one more thing to what I said earlier. If you have some idea of astro physics and astronomy you would have heard of Black Holes. These are basically very large stars which have burnt out and collapsed on themselves. Because of this they shrink to a point in space but they have a tremendous gravitational force surrounding them such that they can suck any and everything that ventures into their sphere of influence. Even light which is ubiquitous cannot escape a Black Hole. Well I want to say that for you this OM is your Black Hole. Do not venture any where near him as he will suck you into his sphere of influence and destroy all that you hold dear. Once you fall into his trap he will suck out everything from you and drop you like a worthless piece of rag. You do not know what married life with him will be like. All you know is the sexusl high you get with him. That is ephemeral and will burn out like a shooting star. What you have with your husband is solid, a house built on a rock which will weather all the vagaries that life will throw at you. So continue to be sensible and avoid the OM like the plague. Remember he is your BLACK HOLE! Warm wishes. Edited January 10, 2017 by Just a Guy Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 I wanted to add that while I came to LS because my husband had an affair, while dealing with his affair I realized that I never properly closed the door on my only other relationship. I never really got closure from my high school boyfriend and while I married at 24, he didn't get married until his mid 30s last year. In the interim I've always carried a torch for him, had dreams about him, etc. Every few years we would correspond -- once with outright flirting right before I got married -- and always he would be overly familiar. Anyway, it never occurred to me that I was doing anything wrong (minus the outright flirting) all these years until my husband had an affair and I had to consider boundaries. I came to the conclusion that anyone is capable of an affair, and that proper boundaries are a necessary safeguard to honor the commitment you made to your spouse. That means no relationships with potential affair partners (i.e. attractive people of the opposite sex) that do not include the spouse, no communication that is not accessible to the spouse, etc. I realized that checking in every few years and having my old boyfriend write to me like we were BFFs when we were really just two people who had had little contact over the years was just not a good idea. Oddly, now that HE's married I feel even more sheepish at the thought of contact, but that shouldn't matter because I've been married all this time. Having a dream about someone or carrying a torch for them is something that you just can't help IMO. There are many people you will connect with and be attracted to in your life. What matters is what you do about it. Do you recognize the danger and therefore make extra sure that you avoid getting too close, or do you try to communicate and keep it from your spouse? Your choices are what matters. I also believe in mindful meditation to help change your mind and heart. Try to see him as clearly as possible -- as a flawed person who would be a terrible match for you IRL. Imagine him standing in front of you and say, "We had great memories, but I release you now. Be well." or something such. My theory about my attachment to him is that he represents my youth, a time when I had my whole life ahead of me, and also my first experience with love. I know that we have compatible personalities but we couldn't meld our lives together even if we were both single. It just wouldn't work. I do think that being an adult is recognizing that feelings are sometimes nothing more than that . . . something you feel. They don't necessarily mean anything about what's right for you. (How nice if my husband's OW had figured that out before she confessed that she had feelings for him even though he was married, huh?) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 My theory about my attachment to him is that he represents my youth, a time when I had my whole life ahead of me, and also my first experience with love. I think this is perceptive. I have a occasional similar reoccurring dream of my first serious GF, few attractions burned as bright as that teenaged mixture of young love and lust. And even though I've seen her a few times since then, including at a recent reunion (she's gotten old, what's that say about me ?), in the dream she's always 18 years old. I realize the bittersweet longing I wake up with is the loss of the feeling where anything and everything was possible. That guy was going to conquer the world, this one just wants to pay off his mortgage ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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