Relocating For Work But Not Sure Wife Is Okay (She says she is though)

[CanadianBacon]

My wife and I (recently married and we are in our 20's) have a great relationship. We've been together since high school. We recently moved back to the town we grew up in and we both got jobs in the area. I had a pretty good job from where we are going but burned out so I was fine moving down (also was my idea).

 

However, it's been 1.5 years and my job is not going well at all and it is clearly not going to work in the long run. I've been saying I want to move back to where we were and take a job similar to what I had which comes with career prospects and ability to increase salary/career in the future. I could take a different job that is similar salary down here but it's pretty stagnant and not much growth or learning.

 

After a lot of discussions and conversations, she has really expressed that she wants to move so I can get a better job and have the potential to increase my career prospects. However, she would have to leave her job and move up with no job and it's pretty difficult to get a job for her (she's a teacher).

 

We currently have no kids but want to start trying next year. She says this is the perfect time to move because we can find a good town, I can have a job that I enjoy and allows for career growth instead of taking a job with not much growth. She would have to quit her job though but she is okay with it because I make about 3x as much with potential for even more.

 

However, I just can't get myself to be okay with her leaving her job for me. She's amazing to even suggest this but she is really pushing for it because she thinks it is best for me. But we would have to leave behind support (my mom and friends live here), two salaries, and her job (and our childhood home). I feel she's only pushing to move to make me happy but I don't know if I can be okay with her sacrifices. Am I right to push against moving up or should I embrace her willingness?

[sandylee1]

Has she expressed any hesitation over moving?

 

Is it really a good idea to move to a place with no family support? Especially if you're planning a family.

 

Have you previously discussed her being a SAHM?

 

All the financial responsibility will be on you ... can you handle that?

 

I see relationships fail because of money (or the lack of it) , especially when only one person earns.

 

I wouldn't feel right making my spouse give up their job, but your wife seems okay with giving her job up.

 

Have you discussed how you feel and what you've said here?

[DKT3]

It could be that she wants to be home while raising children, if so then it's likely important to her that your career grows. Just a thought

[CanadianBacon]

We've talked about being a stay at home mom and it's an option but not definite. We've talked a lot about the two choices. I've listed all the negatives of moving up and she still is okay with it and says it's fine with her. I just feel like she's putting what she thinks will make me happy over herself. Even if she is truly happy with it, I can't look myself in the mirror and know my wife left her job she worked so hard for because it might help me in the long run.

[DKT3]

We've talked about being a stay at home mom and it's an option but not definite. We've talked a lot about the two choices. I've listed all the negatives of moving up and she still is okay with it and says it's fine with her. I just feel like she's putting what she thinks will make me happy over herself. Even if she is truly happy with it, I can't look myself in the mirror and know my wife left her job she worked so hard for because it might help me in the long run.

 

Really it's not unusual in marriage. I say take her at her word, don't make the mistake I made early in my marriage, that is thinking you know better than she does what she wants and what makes her happy

[Mr. Lucky]

Even if she is truly happy with it, I can't look myself in the mirror and know my wife left her job she worked so hard for because it might help me in the long run.

 

While I know it's not your intent, hard to read that sentence without it sounding slightly condescending.

 

Your wife is an adult, right? Able to draw her own conclusions, make up her own mind, form her own opinions. She's decided this is not only what's best for you as a couple, it's best for her.

 

Were I you, I'd believe her. Best of luck with career and family...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CanadianBacon]

I think the main thing I might not be comfortable with is money though. We could both save significantly over the next few years but if she leaves her job, we are just doing well enough. She has expressed she's fine with this but I'm thinking long term...retirement too. But her thinking is if I move up in this company or do well enough to go to another company, I'll make more anyway. It just seems like a lot of risk. However, if i stay at the stagnant job, I might end up regretting being there in a year or two (and I've told her then we could move to the other company/location but her response is it is easier to move now rather than in the future).

[DKT3]

So the real issue for you is not having her income?

 

Your wife is a educated woman, she can find a job, maybe not teaching right away, but something

 

Listen, live a little don't let fear dictate.

[CanadianBacon]

I guess I'm just nervous. We have a lot of comfort right now. I guess I'm just scared that it doesn't pay off in the long run and we are lonely/not as better off than we think we will be.

 

I do have family that lives in the town we would move to but my Mom lives near us now. She was very upset when we told her it's a possibility and that hurt a lot. She really thinks this is the best thing though but I'm just not sure.

[CanadianBacon]

Thanks everyone for your opinions so far. Anyone else have any thoughts or opinions? I asked her if she would be okay if I just took the stagnant job and she was adamant she doesn't think it's the right move. The stagnant job very well could work out fine...we don't have much to go off on other than the resulearch we did beforehand. I just don't know if it is worth the risk to pick up and move which includes her leaving her job.

 

I really don't want to be one of those husbands/Dads who choose career over family. I feel like that is what I am doing by making this choice

[BettyDraper]

There will always be risks when it comes to moving out of your comfort zone.

Remaining stagnant leads to regrets and dissatisfaction with life in the future.

On the other hand, if you're concerned about being financially comfortable enough to be a one income household, then you may want to discuss that with your wife as well.

 

If your wife is fine with moving for career advancement, trust that she knows what she is sacrificing for your career because she isn't selfish enough to focus purely on her own needs.

 

I left the city where I lived for over 10 years to buy a home with my husband. His long commute was very taxing and we couldn't afford a house where we were living before. There are very few jobs here and the cost of commuting to the city for work is astronomical. I sacrificed my career as well as being near my family and friends because I love my husband. I couldn't watch him struggle with exhaustion from a long commute anymore and we both wanted to own a home. My husband knows that I will move if a more lucrative career opportunity comes up.

 

Couples who care about each other will make choices which suit both of them.

[anika99]

I think the main thing I might not be comfortable with is money though. We could both save significantly over the next few years but if she leaves her job, we are just doing well enough. She has expressed she's fine with this but I'm thinking long term...retirement too. But her thinking is if I move up in this company or do well enough to go to another company, I'll make more anyway. It just seems like a lot of risk. However, if i stay at the stagnant job, I might end up regretting being there in a year or two (and I've told her then we could move to the other company/location but her response is it is easier to move now rather than in the future).

 

The problem I see here is that you have not taken ownership of your own feelings and thoughts. You are trying to make your wife your wife your scape goat for some reason. You are afraid to move but you want to somehow make it your wife's fault if you don't move and your career never improves. Then you can say you stayed where you are and sacrificed for her. Now she has taken that cop out away from you by genuinely supporting you in moving and you are trying to back out of what you said you wanted to do by still pretending that your wife is somehow preventing you from pursuing your dreams.

 

Your wife has told you that she is okay with moving. Move or don't move but don't hold your wife responsible for your own choices.

[CanadianBacon]

The problem I see here is that you have not taken ownership of your own feelings and thoughts. You are trying to make your wife your wife your scape goat for some reason. You are afraid to move but you want to somehow make it your wife's fault if you don't move and your career never improves. Then you can say you stayed where you are and sacrificed for her. Now she has taken that cop out away from you by genuinely supporting you in moving and you are trying to back out of what you said you wanted to do by still pretending that your wife is somehow preventing you from pursuing your dreams.

 

Your wife has told you that she is okay with moving. Move or don't move but don't hold your wife responsible for your own choices.

 

I think you right 100%. The poster above also hit the nail on the head. Before we though about moving, I definitely always thought "Oh, staying down here will always make me have an average career." Then an opportunity came up to move to a better company with higher prospects and when it became a reality, then I started to realize all the other stuff (Kids growing up with Grandma living far away, moving from friends, giving up potentially two salaries, comfort in general). I guess I'm just scared and want to know it's the right move. I would feel so much regret if we give all this up for me and it doesn't work out or something goes wrong.

[CanadianBacon]

 

If your wife is fine with moving for career advancement, trust that she knows what she is sacrificing for your career because she isn't selfish enough to focus purely on her own needs.

 

Great post and thank you. I guess my response though would be aren't I being selfish by taking this job which will make me feel better when I should just be happy where I am?

[lucy_in_disguise]

It sounds like your wife feels moving is the right choice for your family. If you are having doubts about that based on the bigger picture, talk to her about it, but don't make it about you/ her sacrificing something so much as what is best for the family as a whole.

 

Imo, you should decide as a couple if the goal is for her to be a stay at home mom, or to have a career. That would help illuminate which option makes more sense- staying somewhere where you can both improve your careers, or focusing on yours with the plan to be a one-income household in the future.

[GunslingerRoland]

Since she's a teacher, is it possible for her to apply for jobs for the new school year, and for you guys to time it?

 

Honestly though, I know a lot of teachers, and if you make 3 times a teachers salary that is the kind of exceptional job, where it's worth making a bit of sacrifice.

[BettyDraper]

Great post and thank you. I guess my response though would be aren't I being selfish by taking this job which will make me feel better when I should just be happy where I am?

 

Why should you be happy with where you are if there's no chance for growth?

You're not being selfish if you're wife is prepared to accept the changes that come with looking for better opportunities.

[DKT3]

The real magic in life happens outside of your comfort zone

[ShatteredLady]

You're now husband & wife, a married couple, a team!

 

You should be making choices based on what's best for your family unit, both now & in the future.

 

I gave-up a very successful & lucrative career to move from England to the USA. My husband was depressed in a boring deadend job. It was the best choice for us.

 

Do you have joint bank accounts & credit cards? One of the biggest adjustments for me was becoming comfortable with 'our' money. It feels horrible to have to ask for spending money.

 

I've always been good at managing money so that became part of my 'job'. I handled all of the bills & our budgets. Which ever way you organize it, please reassure your wife that she is contributing to the family just as much as you are (particularly when you have children!!) from now on don't say "my money".

 

You're a family. Please be completely & utterly committed to that "For better & worse". Have great communication. Talk about everything BEFORE it becomes a major issue in your lives. I've made many, many sacrifices for my husband. I never once had any regrets or resentments until he forgot about 'us' & prioritized 'him'. Becoming reliant on another person is only a bad thing when you feel vulnerable & unsafe. That's terrifying!!

 

Have a wonderful life TOGETHER as a true team. They're not your dreams & your ambitions anymore. They're 'OUR' aspirations, 'OUR' future, 'OUR' life. Make it great!!!

[CanadianBacon]

So, we did it! We made the move. I'm really nervous now though. I just want to know we made the right decision. My Mom is clearly sad we don't live in the same town anymore (we are only 1.5 hours away so it's not THAT far away).

 

I keep thinking we could have made it work and been happy without moving. I might not have been able to have the greatest job but it would have paid the bills. And I still feel awful my wife had to leave her job she liked. She did find one fairly quickly and she keeps reassuring me that she will be happy there. Maybe it's all the change (new town, new job, new everything). I just want to know this was the best decision and we didn't make a mistake that we will regret.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Canadian, guess one has to take a leap of faith once in a while when all the pros and cons are not known in advance. I was thinking of suggesting that you could move alone initially while your wife stayed on in your old place close to your Mum and you could commute on the week ends to spend time with the family. This would have ensured that if you had started a family, you Mum could have been of help to your wife and in the mean time she could have continued with her job. However that is all water under the bridge and as it is your fears of your wife not getting a job in the new place seem to have been unfounded. Guess your wife knew intuitively that this would be the right move for you. Women are supposed to be more intuitive than men so good for her.

 

I think in future years you will thank her for having quelled your misgivings and encouraged you to move especially if you do really well in your career. Take her out on a lot of date nights to show your appreciation. Warm wishes.