Marry a older girlfriend?

[10101011]

I met her when I was 18 my foreign girlfriend then 26, When I was 18 I never dated had no friends lived in a very toxic household,I was very unhappy for years.

 

We were both virgins and each others first partners.

 

I didn't know she was older at the time because she looks very young (still does) and she is 1.50 and i am 1.90 and I look old for my age, when I discovered our age different I was already deeply in love with her.

 

After months of dating she returned to our country, and after a week I sent her a message and we started our long distance relationship for a ~year. ( I initiated our long-distance relationship)

 

After around a year I moved to her country, I have a online business and I was happy that I could leave my country and start over with my miserable life, and live with the woman i love.

 

we are almost living 3 years together we never fight are still deeply in love and every year seems to get better, she is a loyal supportive intelligent partner

we are pretty well of and she bought a really expensive terrain to build a house.

 

Sadly the immigration law has changed unexpectedly last week and I need to change my residence status or I can only stay 6 months a year and i need to leave in 25 days to my country and wait six months for re-entry.

 

So my option to stay with her is to marry her but it is quite difficult to decide if I want to marry her in a time span of 25 days, ofcourse i already tought about it and want it but now I need to decide so quik and other stressfull events in my life i start to doubt if it will be good for both of us.

 

I was never to much worried about our age span because we are really compatible and everyone was supportive, but now I do because I know she wants children soon and i am not 100% sure if i want them soon.

 

Always my friends told me the age span only gets less problematic when i get older (it was never a issue until now) but for me it is the other way around. If i am 30 she will be 38 etc.

 

So I told her when I heard the news about the immigration change and that we need to marry soon but that i am worried about the age difference and getting children.

 

And she started crying and asking if I won't return after this month and if i still love her, last days she is quiet and looking really sad and broken.

 

I told her that maybe it is better for her interest if she finds some-one older then me to start a family, but she responded with that i am the only man in her life and she don't want another partner and she will never forget me and will be miserable without me.

 

Both we don't want to lose each other and are happy in the relationship, but I am worried our age difference will become a strain later on in our relationship.

Edited January 6, 2017 by 10101011

[mikeylo]

Never marry in rush, wrong reasons and because of pressure.

 

All 3 apply to you.

[Springsummer]

Mike Jaggar is at least 50 yrs older than his gf

 

do you love your gf at all?

[BettyDraper]

Your girlfriend is still young enough to have children without the risk of any age related birth defects. Since you've been living with her for three years, I don't see why it's so hard for you to determine whether or not you want to be with her for life.

 

Your age gap is not that large either. If you were so concerned with your girlfriend's age, then it was cruel of you to string her along for three years and then tell her to find someone else because she's too old for you.

[ShatteredLady]

I had my children in my late 30's- early 40's. Most of the mothers in my particular 'Mum's Club' were over 40 when they had their first child. You guys still have plenty of time to agree on the right time to have kids.

 

If you DO NOT want children tell her NOW!

 

If you DO NOT want to marry her leave her NOW!

 

The ONLY difference that this SMALL age difference makes is her biological clock. Women typically live longer than men. This kind of age difference is just limiting the number of years she's likely to be alone after you die.

 

So...WHATS THE TRUTH?

 

Are you worried that you haven't had enough sexual experience & want to sleep around a bit before you commit?

 

Do you not love her enough or think you're not compatible to marry?

 

As has been said, it's wrong to spend YEARS living as a couple if you have no intent of it lasting. Is she the woman for you or not?

 

You've got a LOT of thinking to do. You don't have to marry in the next 25 days. You can do the long distance thing & spend all the time that you can together.

 

I'd be completely heart broken like your partner! Not only does she have the shock of this 25 days (I'm not sure what country you're in for this to be true. There's usually plenty of warning that laws are going to change!) she's now having to process the fact that you're actually threatening to dump her over something you've ALWAYS known about! Something that's not within her power to change.

 

If her age never bothered you before why does it now? 30-38 is nothing. 40-48 is nothing. I really don't understand. Love is love. Do you love her or not?

[ShatteredLady]

Why can't you apply for a visa? Do you pay tax? You work & have funds....

[10101011]

I was never before concerned with her age but i think I mentally burned out with the high stress recently and then the pressure to marry and have children, I told her that she needs to think about another partner because i am worried that we wont last and she will lose precious time, I know very well woman can have babies from 35 and even after 40 (a friend of us got one at 42 recently) But she didn't grow up with the best education and she thinks because she had her period at a early age she will be infertile early too and her sister recently got a baby so she don't really can't/want to wait.

 

Maybe I stringed her along unintentional? but all the time I spend with her I loved her and cared deeply about her, I always wanted to be together and have a future together.

 

I never thought about being with her and leaving her when she gets older I too sacrificed much to go to her country and in hard times i always supported her.

[10101011]

Because it is a country with difficult immigration laws and i don't succeed for the requirements for many visas

(for one you need to invest 25.000$ for example). And if i marry with her it would be too take a long time to get my visa.

[10101011]

Why can't you apply for a visa? Do you pay tax? You work & have funds....

 

I had my children in my late 30's- early 40's. Most of the mothers in my particular 'Mum's Club' were over 40 when they had their first child. You guys still have plenty of time to agree on the right time to have kids.

 

If you DO NOT want children tell her NOW!

 

If you DO NOT want to marry her leave her NOW!

 

The ONLY difference that this SMALL age difference makes is her biological clock. Women typically live longer than men. This kind of age difference is just limiting the number of years she's likely to be alone after you die.

 

So...WHATS THE TRUTH?

 

Are you worried that you haven't had enough sexual experience & want to sleep around a bit before you commit?

 

Do you not love her enough or think you're not compatible to marry?

 

As has been said, it's wrong to spend YEARS living as a couple if you have no intent of it lasting. Is she the woman for you or not?

 

You've got a LOT of thinking to do. You don't have to marry in the next 25 days. You can do the long distance thing & spend all the time that you can together.

 

I'd be completely heart broken like your partner! Not only does she have the shock of this 25 days (I'm not sure what country you're in for this to be true. There's usually plenty of warning that laws are going to change!) she's now having to process the fact that you're actually threatening to dump her over something you've ALWAYS known about! Something that's not within her power to change.

 

If her age never bothered you before why does it now? 30-38 is nothing. 40-48 is nothing. I really don't understand. Love is love. Do you love her or not?

 

 

I live in a third-world country so the laws are really vague and strange and many times are not enforced and there were no warning signs I have friends who lived like me for 15 years. and if we marry i get a visa but not a residence.(i could apply then for one that will take 2 years)

 

And I am not worried about sexual experience and her not being able to produce children (but she is)

 

And i am not 100% anymore if i want children at all.

[heavenonearth]

I live in a third-world country so the laws are really vague and strange and many times are not enforced and there were no warning signs I have friends who lived like me for 15 years. and if we marry i get a visa but not a residence.(i could apply then for one that will take 2 years)

 

And I am not worried about sexual experience and her not being able to produce children (but she is)

 

And i am not 100% anymore if i want children at all.

 

My last partner and me broke up for similar reasons.

He is 24 and I am 30.

He broke up with me because he said that I want children soon and he doesn't know if he even wants children.

 

No guy knows if they want children at 24, or even 21 (i presume you are 21).

 

If you love someone, you should be with them.

She is how old now, 29?

She has 10 years to give birth. By then you will probably know if you want children as well.

 

This should not be a factor right now. I think you are just getting cold feet.

[BettyDraper]

I was never before concerned with her age but i think I mentally burned out with the high stress recently and then the pressure to marry and have children, I told her that she needs to think about another partner because i am worried that we wont last and she will lose precious time, I know very well woman can have babies from 35 and even after 40 (a friend of us got one at 42 recently) But she didn't grow up with the best education and she thinks because she had her period at a early age she will be infertile early too and her sister recently got a baby so she don't really can't/want to wait.

 

Maybe I stringed her along unintentional? but all the time I spend with her I loved her and cared deeply about her, I always wanted to be together and have a future together.

 

I never thought about being with her and leaving her when she gets older I too sacrificed much to go to her country and in hard times i always supported her.

 

I thought you were concerned about not being unable to have children with your girlfriend because of her age. Now you feel pressured to have kids and you're not sure if you want them?

 

If you want a future with your girlfriend and you never thought about leaving her, then why is marriage after being together for three years so scary for you? Why would you tell her she needs to find someone else if you want to be with her forever?

 

You seem very confused. You're saying the exact opposite to what you mentioned in the first post. Make up your mind.

[ShatteredLady]

Life long love, marriage & family are all about being completely committed in your head.

 

For the longest time I didn't believe people who said that marriage is work & commitment. (I met my husband when I was 21, him 22. We waited a long time to have children). We've now celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. I promise you that it WILL take work AND there WILL be times that only the commitment keeps you together!!

 

It's about what you believe. It's about your commitment to her.

 

If you have doubts in your mind it's those doubts that will make your marriage a failure. One DECIDES to be committed. Know what I mean? I think that if you accept divorce as a possibility it's more likely to happen. It seems like the more you think about it, the more doubts your having. That's not a good sign.

 

6 months is NOTHING compared to "Until death us do part".

 

The fact that you've said to your partner, 'We should split-up so you can find a man your age for yourself' makes me wonder if you are emotionally mature enough to marry anyone. You don't break a woman's heart pretending it's for her own good! You KNOW that she wants to be with you. Do YOU want her or not?

 

Do YOU want to dump her & find another woman, other women? Do YOU want to leave her or stay with her?

 

After 3 years they should be pretty easy questions to answer....

[VeveCakes]

My last partner and me broke up for similar reasons.

He is 24 and I am 30.

He broke up with me because he said that I want children soon and he doesn't know if he even wants children.

 

No guy knows if they want children at 24, or even 21 (i presume you are 21).

 

If you love someone, you should be with them.

She is how old now, 29?

She has 10 years to give birth. By then you will probably know if you want children as well.

 

This should not be a factor right now. I think you are just getting cold feet.

 

I thought OP said she was 38...that doesnt leave her 10 years to have kids.

 

Also, just because you love someone does not mean you should be together. There is something called compatibility...

[10101011]

It is very admirable you stayed that long with your partner, I am thinking about it and yes i want to stay with her but i don't think it will work out, Moving to this country has being a extremely mental burden for me (I look very foreign and still has problems with the languages so i get treated like ****). I don't have any good friends and family here (at home country neither)

 

The age isn't a deal-breaker for me i am just afraid it won't last well

 

I am sure now it is better to break up for our both well beign.

 

I already told her I don't see us last as main point me not fitting in the country and the immigration issues and that i can't decide over marriage and children with all this stress and pressure.

[10101011]

I thought OP said she was 38...that doesnt leave her 10 years to have kids.

 

Also, just because you love someone does not mean you should be together. There is something called compatibility...

No she is 29, yes you hit the nail on the head we love each other but due many problems I don't think it will run out in the long run.

 

Now she keeps asking if I still love her and i tell her the truth but i am wondering if it is better that i tell her i am not in love anymore so she can forget me more easy and stop trying to convince me to stay together.

[MJJean]

If you can't give her a solid "Yes, I want to marry you and have children someday soon!" then the answer is no.

 

I am 41 and in perimenopause. So are a few of my friends. I personally know 3 women who had to have hysterectomies before age 32. Clearly, fertility is not guaranteed anyone and it can be argued that waiting is foolish on the part of the female.

 

I know 2 people who are still resentful as adults that their parents had them at advanced ages because their childhood experiences were so different from their peers and they have a hard time relating to people in their own age groups. I know a few others who were born to older (40's) fathers and who lost their dads to heart attacks before they reached adulthood.

 

Just because one can wait to have a child doesn't mean one should.

 

At age 35, a pregnant woman is automatically classified medically as "high risk" and termed to be a "geriatric pregnancy". At that age, fertility decreases and the risk of maternal-fetal complications increases.

 

Your GF is 29. She's right to be thinking of having children sooner rather than later if she's going to be a mother at all. It takes time to find a partner, conceive, give birth, recover, and conceive again if more than one child is wanted. If you can't say for sure, after 3 years, then let this lady go before more precious time is wasted.

[10101011]

If you can't give her a solid "Yes, I want to marry you and have children someday soon!" then the answer is no.

 

I am 41 and in perimenopause. So are a few of my friends. I personally know 3 women who had to have hysterectomies before age 32. Clearly, fertility is not guaranteed anyone and it can be argued that waiting is foolish on the part of the female.

 

I know 2 people who are still resentful as adults that their parents had them at advanced ages because their childhood experiences were so different from their peers and they have a hard time relating to people in their own age groups. I know a few others who were born to older (40's) fathers and who lost their dads to heart attacks before they reached adulthood.

 

Just because one can wait to have a child doesn't mean one should.

 

At age 35, a pregnant woman is automatically classified medically as "high risk" and termed to be a "geriatric pregnancy". At that age, fertility decreases and the risk of maternal-fetal complications increases.

 

Your GF is 29. She's right to be thinking of having children sooner rather than later if she's going to be a mother at all. It takes time to find a partner, conceive, give birth, recover, and conceive again if more than one child is wanted. If you can't say for sure, after 3 years, then let this lady go before more precious time is wasted.

Thank you for your answer, Yes i can't give a solid yes , . She never talks much about children and acts like it isn't that important. I know it is for her because of my observation of how she looks at her nephews and other random children.

 

We talked a little about what she will do when i leave her and she says she wants to work in England (I don't see how that is possible), and she says too she will life alone with the cat we own together and guilt tripping me that she is worthless without me. (her brother and sister live in the same street as us so she could move there for support).

 

I am just so worried about her future and I feel responsible for her (for the last year i pay her rent and take care of her food). She got many problems lately and one really big she bought a piece of land and she never got it and is in a legal fight about it (she borrowed money from the bank ).

 

I can imagine this combined with me leaving is getting to much for her one of another reason I wanted to stay because of all the problems she got and she can't solve it alone.

[heavenonearth]

Thank you for your answer, Yes i can't give a solid yes , . She never talks much about children and acts like it isn't that important. I know it is for her because of my observation of how she looks at her nephews and other random children.

 

We talked a little about what she will do when i leave her and she says she wants to work in England (I don't see how that is possible), and she says too she will life alone with the cat we own together and guilt tripping me that she is worthless without me. (her brother and sister live in the same street as us so she could move there for support).

 

I am just so worried about her future and I feel responsible for her (for the last year i pay her rent and take care of her food). She got many problems lately and one really big she bought a piece of land and she never got it and is in a legal fight about it (she borrowed money from the bank ).

 

I can imagine this combined with me leaving is getting to much for her one of another reason I wanted to stay because of all the problems she got and she can't solve it alone.

 

Well, you are young.

And as people, we are not responsible for other people's problems.

However, if you love her, and you want to be there for her through a hard time, you should take the responsibility and fight through it with her together.

but if you don't love her anymore, and you would rather move on on your own, then you should not feel guilty in doing so.

that's my honest opinion, even though i have been in a similar situation and the guy hurt me a lot when he left.

i probably would not say this if you wouldn't be so young, but you are 21 years old, you should not have to take care of a 29 year old woman if you don't love her.

 

just be upfront with her. and talk with her, honestly.

i also think it is unfair that you base your knowledge on her wanting children on 'a feeling' you get when you see her look at other children.

that's too vague.

you guys need to talk.

[ShatteredLady]

Please. Forever is a very, very longtime. Forget about the guilt, forget about the sense of responsibility to help her or support her or take care of her. Guilt & perceived responsibility are NOT reasons to stay with someone. They're definitely NOT reasons to marry!

 

You should marry a true partner who gives to you as much as she needs from you. A married couple should be a team of equals. In some cultures love doesn't even come first. They marry because of compatibility, shared goals in life & the love comes after marriage.

 

It sounds like you truly FEEL more reasons to split than you do to stay together FOREVER. If she didn't have any problems. If she could very easily support & take care of herself would you still consider staying & marrying her? If the answer is "No!" then you should show your love & care for her by leaving.

 

If your ONLY reason's for leaving are, fear of becoming a father & dislike of her country then you should marry her. Take her to YOUR country. If you both want to live & work somewhere like England then make that your long-term plan. Study & get qualifications in a highly desired field & apply for visas.

 

It sounds like deep down inside you don't feel enough for her to build a forever life together. (It reads like you're trying to find excuses for not marrying...you don't need reasons!) If you KNOW that you don't want to spend the rest of your life building a life & family together THAT's OK!!

 

In my opinion, dating & living together is a 'Dress rehearsal' for marriage. You try someone on for size & if they don't fit just right, you split-up. I believe that once you've spent a few years together you know, you just know! You don't need to justify it. It sounds like you know that she's not the woman you want. Don't waste anymore of her life. Don't waste anymore of your life on a temporary relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

If you remove the visa/immigration issue, are the two of you on the same page regarding important issues like children and long-term commitment?

 

The answer is "no". Don't do it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Popsicle]

No, absolutely not. And not because of the age diff but because you never wanted to marry her before.

[10101011]

I am 21 and my girlfriend is 29 we are together for 3,5 years and living together in her country.

 

It sounds so strange but only after many years I realized how unhealthy we are

There is no abuse and cheating.

 

I have not much friends and she don't have too much friends too.

 

We spend all our time together and talk much and play do activities.

 

Recently I start to worry about our age gap this will be a issue when we are more older.

 

I never tough about it and didn't know woman age faster I too didn't know fertility declines at 30 and want to have kids etc.

 

I think it is better we break up, But I am really worried about my girlfriend in her country it is almost impossible to date at that age and she only has me.

 

I will go to a therapist ( Now I read what I wrote I sound really delusional )

 

I don't know why I stayed so long in this relationship and she too maybe we are both depressive?

 

I am really worried about my girlfriend tought what will happen with her I don't know if she will find a man and still can have a family.

[camillalev]

If it werent for other factors would you want to continue the relationship? If the answer is no, then move on.

 

30 is still young, she'll be fine until 40 or so to have children. People overblow the risk factors for most women under 40 and underestimate the risk factor for men over 40. Wish people would actually educate themselves on fertility and the reproductive system.

 

Your girlfriend also needs to educate herself on the issue. Because she had her period young doesn't mean her reproductive system will age faster. Does she actually want to be a mother soon or does she feel rushed because she thinks she doesn't have time?

[MrInternational]

It is wrong to take a girl's virginity if you aren't married to her.

 

It is wrong if you do so, to take a girls virginity and not marry her.

 

It is bad to string a girl along for years.

 

Of course, she was older than you. Maybe she should have known better. You are both young. You are just younger.

 

Make up your mind whether you want to marry and have kids fast. I've got some advice for you. You probably aren't ever going to find someone who is just so perfect that you know you want to spend your life with that person forever and want to have children with her. It could happen if YOU change.

 

Marriages stay together because husband and wife know how to get along or learn how to. They spend time with each other and work through things.

 

Her being 29 isn't going to make her unable to have children. It seems like the big issue you will face is that she will get old, like everyone else does, but she may get old before you do, since she is older. She might surprise you and be young looking while you are older looking.

 

Given your history, if you get along great, if I were you, I'd seriously consider marrying her. If you get married, do it right and involve all parents. Ask her dad's permission or however they do it where she lives, if that is applicable (still alive, etc.) Get married in as honorable way as possible as best you can with the other financial considerations that you have to take care of. Commit and really commit. Don't put her through another episode of wishy-washiness where you can't decide whether you want to be together. Commit for life and let it show in your words and deeds.

 

If you find a woman who loves you who you get along great with, that's already pretty special.