Friend has been sleeping with a man's wife for a year. What should I say?

[Blueplate]

All three are about 30 years old. The couple had been together for 8 years, then got married and are almost at the 2 year mark. No kids involved.

 

My friend and the woman started as friends then gradually became more intimate. Now they are both passionate about each other and have had lots of sex. At one point my friend stopped seeing her and tried a different girl out but said he couldn't do it because it felt like cheating and it also made the married chick sick and she lost weight.

 

My friend wants the married girl to leave her husband and date him instead. The husband has been described as a "nice guy" who worships the ground she walks on. Shes not attracted to him while my friend is in the picture but she likes her husband's devotion and love and niceness.

 

So Im trying to figure out what to tell my friend. Should I just stay out of it? I have a text prepared that reads: "I've thought a bit more about your situation. You are participating in an arrangement that is not sustainable. The longer it goes on the more screwed up its going to get. And currently there's only one person out of the three of you getting exactly what they want, and that's her. In my humble opinion 1 year is more than enough time for her to make a decision. I feel like she's playing you."

 

Any advice would be great.

[kgcolonel]

First, I would question the ethics and morals of your friend....how would he like it if someone was doing to him what he is doing to the 'nice guy". I would tell him that plus, it is up to the wife to make a choice in her marriage before engaging him....she made vows to her H and you see where that got the H.

 

I would tell him that first, he is replaceable at the first sign that he is withdrawing so that means, he's not that critical to the W. Secondly, if she'd do this to the "nice guy", does he really think that she wouldn't do it to him?

[smackie9]

You mind your own business unless he comes to you for advice. Then say your peace, and back off. What your friend does, or what choices he makes is on him, and not your job to be the moral police.

[Space Ritual]

All three are about 30 years old. The couple had been together for 8 years, then got married and are almost at the 2 year mark. No kids involved.

 

My friend and the woman started as friends then gradually became more intimate. Now they are both passionate about each other and have had lots of sex. At one point my friend stopped seeing her and tried a different girl out but said he couldn't do it because it felt like cheating and it also made the married chick sick and she lost weight.

 

My friend wants the married girl to leave her husband and date him instead. The husband has been described as a "nice guy" who worships the ground she walks on. Shes not attracted to him while my friend is in the picture but she likes her husband's devotion and love and niceness.

 

So Im trying to figure out what to tell my friend. Should I just stay out of it? I have a text prepared that reads: "I've thought a bit more about your situation. You are participating in an arrangement that is not sustainable. The longer it goes on the more screwed up its going to get. And currently there's only one person out of the three of you getting exactly what they want, and that's her. In my humble opinion 1 year is more than enough time for her to make a decision. I feel like she's playing you."

 

Any advice would be great.

 

 

Then you should let him know that unless he cuts off the relationship in 24 hours that you yourself will be informing this woman's husband yourself.

 

 

Because your knowledge of what is going on makes you complicit in it.

 

Even if it is Second Hand Knowledge, it is still knowledge that someone drastically needs

 

Ignorance of one or more of the principals involved is not an excuse.

 

There were a lot of us here who were victims of infidelity that could have really benefited from someone who had knowledge of things we didn't. myself being one of them.

 

 

Especially if there are no Children involved.....ESPECIALLY!

 

How would you feel if this chick ended up getting pregnant out of the blue and this poor bastard had to go through nine months of thinking it was his only to find out it was your friends's

 

What if the roles were reversed and it was happening to YOU without YOUR knowledge?

 

Wouldn't you want to know so you could actually make a decision about the direction of your own life?

 

I am sure there will be others who come along and say to stay out of it. but you are already in it, because you know. You are preparing to draft a message to yoru friend.

 

If you are only going to address it to him, let him know that he is not unique and this really is all about this woman, as she would have had an affair with anyone. He isn't that special and they are not soulmates. He may also find out that husband is really not as nice as this woman makes him out to be.

 

I used to be a nice guy. I had it happen to me, I got the added bonus of walking in on the act in my own house.

 

Wanna know if I was very nice at that point?

 

You know what to do. Your conscience is bothering you...and that is a good thing. It shows you actually have one.

 

So follow it and spare some poor sap a lifetime of needless pain.

[Blueplate]

Thanks for the reply. Trust me, the moral criticisms have been done over and over, months ago. We're sort of past that. I think at this point both he and the girl realize they are doing something horrible. Though my friend has tried to rationalize it a little to assuage his guilt. I've even asked him if he'd be fine in a committed relationship with a girl who cheats on her husband.

 

He might be replaceable as the other man. However judging by how hard she took it when he stopped seeing her for a bit it's not a total meaningless affair on her end. I think there's deeper passions.

 

But yeah...dunno

[Blueplate]

You mind your own business unless he comes to you for advice. Then say your peace, and back off. What your friend does, or what choices he makes is on him, and not your job to be the moral police.

 

I've created this thread in a direct response to a crisis text he sent me at 1am two nights ago.

 

As for moral judgement. I think you'll find in my drafted text quote I refrained from passing judgement, only tried to lay objective facts. I want to help or stay out of it. Not criticize. This is why I'm asking for advice here.

[smackie9]

I have witnessed many affairs, and there have been success stories where they did end up leaving their marriages to marry the OW/OM, and no one has cheated, happily married for years now. There are times they just met the right person but after they married the wrong one.

 

It's not all black and white like some feel....sometimes good things come out of bad situations. That's why I say, stay out of it and let nature take it's course....something has to give sooner or later.

[Blueplate]

Space Ritual,

 

Thanks. One thing I'll say is he thinks the guy knows. Apparently the wife had been really sloppy with it and it's been a year! The problem is he might be too spineless to confront her about it or doesn't have the clear cut evidence.

[smackie9]

I've created this thread in a direct response to a crisis text he sent me at 1am two nights ago.

 

As for moral judgement. I think you'll find in my drafted text quote I refrained from passing judgement, only tried to lay objective facts. I want to help or stay out of it. Not criticize. This is why I'm asking for advice here.

I only go what is given to me in the opening thread. Just to be clear, most, like one of the other posters on this thread ARE judgemental....I just wanted to state my opinion that no one should, that is all. In no way was I trying to be accusatory in anyway.

[bachdude]

Being a friend to someone in an affair means to be honest to them about the potential consequences and to ultimately stay out of it.

[Tiana09]

I think as a good friend you should let your friend know what's going on.No one deserves to be cheated on like this and I think he will be dissapointed to know you knew and never told him. Friends should have each other's backs. Take some proof ,pictures or something and show him.

[Space Ritual]

Space Ritual,

 

Thanks. One thing I'll say is he thinks the guy knows.

 

There is a huge difference between what your friend thinks this guy knows and what this guy actually knows.

 

because there is one major buffer between the two guys sharing this chick....

 

The Chick.

 

She can tell either of them anything and she can continue on.

 

And most do.They follow the same playbook.

 

One thing all cheaters have in common...they are liars. every one of them.

[Space Ritual]

I think as a good friend you should let your friend know what's going on.No one deserves to be cheated on like this and I think he will be dissapointed to know you knew and never told him. Friends should have each other's backs. Take some proof ,pictures or something and show him.

 

That's the thing, Tiana.

 

It's OP's friend that is cheating with this guy's wife.

 

A conundrum for OP surely, and not one I envy.

[Rockdad]

It's all to common when a 3rd party gets involved in another couples situation the 3rd party ends up being the bad guy.

[Blueplate]

It's all to common when a 3rd party gets involved in another couples situation the 3rd party ends up being the bad guy.

 

I do feel like my friend could quite easily be made into the scapegoat, along with getting emotionally hurt. I supoose that's karma. One of the reasons I feel like he should disengage.

 

At the same time I don't think I can play a direct catalyst in whatever happens. I feel that's not my job. So I won't intervene. It could end horribly.

 

I suppose I'll have to just let the thing run its course and be there for support. In the meantime ill keep to minimal, objective input when requested. I know that's not what you want to hear, Space but I appreciate the suggestions.

[DKT3]

Never understood the "it's not black and white" argument. It is actually as black and white as it comes. If you're married and find yourself more then casually attracted to someone who isn't your spouse then you make a decision. No one says you have to stay married. But this test driving while still married is horrible.

 

Here is what you tell him..... Nothing, you say absolutely nothing, if he asks shrug. Here is why, he won't listen, he is all wrapped up in the dysfunction, drama and excitement of taboo sex. These things always end like a plane crash, no one walks away unharmed.

 

When it crashes down, then be there for your friend.

[fireflywy]

Well... I'm going to be a bit evil here and say sit back and watch.

 

Why?

 

Well, if the moral argument didn't work on your friend or her then they deserve this special pit they are carving out for each other.

 

Your duplicitous friend is being used by someone he can't have which is probably driving him insane....

 

She will eventually be exposed and lose her devoting guy and a degree of her supply.

 

Basically it's a house of cards on a slowly heating fire.

 

I feel bad for the husband though. Someone should fill him in at least.

Edited January 6, 2017 by fireflywy

[Space Ritual]

I suppose I'll have to just let the thing run its course and be there for support. In the meantime ill keep to minimal, objective input when requested. I know that's not what you want to hear, Space but I appreciate the suggestions.

 

It's your call. You know the situation best and at the end of the day the only one you have to answer to is yourself. Just be sure the decision you make is one you are not only comfortable with, but one that does not revisit you at a later time.

[road]

Have you considered telling your friend that you can not be friends with him due to his cheating ways?

 

 

Have you considered telling the BH so he can stop being abused?

[sandylee1]

My take would be to pull myself away from the friendship. If your friend can have an affair with another friend's wife .... he could do the same to you.

 

I don't need those kind of friends in my life.

 

The black and white argument is a convenient excuse for crappy behaviour IMO.

[Whitestar]

I would give the cheating couple a chance to come clean and if they refused I would inform the person being cheated on. I would hate to have been put in this position but having been I would have to do the right thing.

[Try]

There are times they just met the right person but after they married the wrong one.

If as you say that "There are times they just met the right person but after they married the wrong one", that does not explain cheating behind a spouse's back instead of telling the truth and ending the marriage prior to having sex with an affair partner.

 

It's not all black and white like some feel....sometimes good things come out of bad situations.

I call bull to you saying that cheating is "not all black and white". The cheater does not get to lie and sneak behind their spouse's back as they secretly explores other options in order to do what is only best for them with little regard for their loyal nice guy spouse. It is black and white. If a cheater wants to explore their romantic options, nothing stops them from ending the marriage and doing so as a single person.

[Alamo657]

All three are about 30 years old. The couple had been together for 8 years, then got married and are almost at the 2 year mark. No kids involved.

 

My friend and the woman started as friends then gradually became more intimate. Now they are both passionate about each other and have had lots of sex. At one point my friend stopped seeing her and tried a different girl out but said he couldn't do it because it felt like cheating and it also made the married chick sick and she lost weight.

 

My friend wants the married girl to leave her husband and date him instead. The husband has been described as a "nice guy" who worships the ground she walks on. Shes not attracted to him while my friend is in the picture but she likes her husband's devotion and love and niceness.

 

So Im trying to figure out what to tell my friend. Should I just stay out of it? I have a text prepared that reads: "I've thought a bit more about your situation. You are participating in an arrangement that is not sustainable. The longer it goes on the more screwed up its going to get. And currently there's only one person out of the three of you getting exactly what they want, and that's her. In my humble opinion 1 year is more than enough time for her to make a decision. I feel like she's playing you."

 

Any advice would be great.

 

Tell him that : "if she cheated for you, she will cheat on you". if he doesn't get it, inform him that your friendship is on hold because you can't support his participation in a cheating arrangement.

[smackie9]

If as you say that "There are times they just met the right person but after they married the wrong one", that does not explain cheating behind a spouse's back instead of telling the truth and ending the marriage prior to having sex with an affair partner.

 

I call bull to you saying that cheating is "not all black and white". The cheater does not get to lie and sneak behind their spouse's back as they secretly explores other options in order to do what is only best for them with little regard for their loyal nice guy spouse. It is black and white. If a cheater wants to explore their romantic options, nothing stops them from ending the marriage and doing so as a single person.

Cheating takes on different forms, different motivations, and does end with different results negative AND positive ones. I'm explaining the reasons and the results of such behavior isn't so CUT AND DRY....is it right? Hell no, I never said it was ok or acceptable in any of my posts so why are you all getting all up in my a$$ about it. We are not being asked if this is wrong or not, we are asked what would we would do in this situation. I give my advice as objectively as possible without being judgemental. This horse has been beaten to death. We know cheating is wrong already, do we really need to keep repeating it like a damn parrot? NO! now let's just move on..........Jesus tap dancing Christ. lol

[Chaparral]

How do you accept being friends with someone with no ethics. If he will do other men's wives he will do your friends wives or yours.

 

Tell the other man how long his wife has been unfaithful to him, anonymously if that helps, and dump your friend. BTDT