Immediate Spark or Gradual Closeness

[lovely81]

I'm a thirty-five-year-old woman, active dater. I haven't been in a relationship in a long time, after being in one for awhile in my twenties. I've dated a lot, though, had flings, fallen for people, and learned a lot about myself.

 

I noticed that I had a pattern of "friend-zoning" guys very quickly. I think I also liked to chase after guys who were flirty but not really showing any signs of serious interest. I felt this was part of a larger, overall pattern in life of craving the approval of people who show they're not interested in me and looking down or sidelining people who are. Once I became aware of this, I more actively tried to change it. For example, I used to go to parties and fixate on the reactions of people I deemed attractive or of high social status, and now I just to and talk to whoever talks to me. This has worked out really well, for the most part, life has become less of a struggle and my connections have felt more authentic and fulfilling.

 

With romance, it's a bit harder to enact. I am trying to be more patient with these men that I'd automatically friend-zone in the past. I am especially trying to be more open physically to them. But I often have to override this sense of subtle dread about encountering them again (for second and third dates). Guilt over not really feeling excited, combined with worry that I'm only attracted to players, bad boys. (I seem to know enough not to seriously get involved with these, but I am always amused by them in some way and more comfortable in their company.)

 

Many of these men are high caliber men, who I'd recommend to my friends in an instant! They are also all physically attractive and awesome; I guess I just don't feel that "spark" or "chemistry." But I'm not sure I trust that chemistry as much as I used to.

 

I'm curious if other people (especially women)have had similar experiences, and I'm especially curious if when you met serious partners, did you have butterflies/look forward to seeing them/fall immediately or whether you had to go through initial confusion and awkwardness? If so, how much?

[preraph]

I am amused by how the interesting and outgoing guys so often get categorized as "bad boys." Honestly, we like them because they're confident and entertaining. No, they are not all looking for a serious relationship right now, but they might if they found the right person who stimulated them back.

 

I have not ever been able to find a substitute for the physical chemistry and attraction in a lover. If it's not there, I don't want to sleep with them. If I don't want to sleep with them, they're not going to be happy. The only saving grace is I don't find all the same guys attractive that maybe the mainstream majority does. I have thought some guys are hot because they're just really cool and maybe most of my friends didn't think they were hot, which was more than fine with me. I like guys to have a rebellious style, yes, and be unafraid of deviating from the norm. I don't like guys who are boring and hard to talk to and aren't entertaining and are looking for convention. But everyone is different.

 

I'm not about to subject myself to a lifetime of making myself sleep with someone I'm unattracted to just because there's "nothing wrong with them." That would not make me happy, though many men would be just fine being on the receiving end of it. I'd much rather be alone than sleeping with someone sex was a chore with.

[GoodOnPaper]

From a guy who was friendzoned early and often, do not force something when you are conscious of an attraction imbalance where you are the one less attracted. It will not bode well for any relationship that forms.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I'm a thirty-five-year-old woman, active dater. I haven't been in a relationship in a long time, after being in one for awhile in my twenties. I've dated a lot, though, had flings, fallen for people, and learned a lot about myself.

 

I noticed that I had a pattern of "friend-zoning" guys very quickly. I think I also liked to chase after guys who were flirty but not really showing any signs of serious interest. I felt this was part of a larger, overall pattern in life of craving the approval of people who show they're not interested in me and looking down or sidelining people who are. Once I became aware of this, I more actively tried to change it. For example, I used to go to parties and fixate on the reactions of people I deemed attractive or of high social status, and now I just to and talk to whoever talks to me. This has worked out really well, for the most part, life has become less of a struggle and my connections have felt more authentic and fulfilling.

 

With romance, it's a bit harder to enact. I am trying to be more patient with these men that I'd automatically friend-zone in the past. I am especially trying to be more open physically to them. But I often have to override this sense of subtle dread about encountering them again (for second and third dates). Guilt over not really feeling excited, combined with worry that I'm only attracted to players, bad boys. (I seem to know enough not to seriously get involved with these, but I am always amused by them in some way and more comfortable in their company.)

 

Many of these men are high caliber men, who I'd recommend to my friends in an instant! They are also all physically attractive and awesome; I guess I just don't feel that "spark" or "chemistry." But I'm not sure I trust that chemistry as much as I used to.

 

I'm curious if other people (especially women)have had similar experiences, and I'm especially curious if when you met serious partners, did you have butterflies/look forward to seeing them/fall immediately or whether you had to go through initial confusion and awkwardness? If so, how much?

 

The women I usually wind up dating, and in their 30s, aren't like you. In fact, they do the opposite.

 

They are turned off by wishy-washy guys who don't make their intentions clear when it comes to asking these ladies out. These kind of women are few and far between which explains the long dating dry spells that I have when most single women friend zone me.

 

I knew a woman that I dated that got tired of all that BS and was actually thrilled to have known my intentions were clear. She even had a "Happy New Years" text from a guy after midnight (me and her were on a date at the time, lol) and she was like "OMG, can't he take a hint!?" He was a "boomerang" guy, meaning he got her digits...asked her out, he flaked, didn't hear from him for months...and NOW...he makes his presence known. lol

[Weezy1973]

Usually if you're seeking validation from men (or people in general) that aren't interested in you, it speaks to your own lack of self worth. Subconsciously you're thinking - if one of these high status, attractive men that could have any woman they want chooses me, that must mean I'm good enough!

 

But it could also be that you're just attracted to players and emotionally unavailable men, in which case it would probably be best to just forget about a long term meaningful relationship, and continue on with your flings.

 

Only you know what is really going on inside of you..

[Mrlonelyone]

This is a very personal thing. There is no right way to do it.

 

The thing is that the chemistry and spark you are all chasing NEVER EVER LAST. Eventually it always dies and love becomes the hard and compromising work of loving someone who you see is not perfect and who has odors.