Encouragement for Dumpees

[MeadowFlower]

This is a thread for posting encouragement for dumpees. It can be advice, quotes, personal experience whatever, but only encouragement please. No 'toughen up' or 'just get over it' kind of comments.

[MeadowFlower]

I'll start with some advice, when it comes to the healing process, don't place any expectations on yourself as to how long it should take. Also, acknowledge and let yourself feel whatever it is you're feeling. While it's not good to wallow in sadness or whatever, sometimes it may help to let yourself feel those emotions rather than trying to push them aside or further inside yourself.

[PLT]

Remember to forgive yourself.

 

Remember that "This too shall pass"

 

Remember that your worth is not based on one other persons opinion of you.

 

Remember that tomorrow is another day, and anything can happen.

 

Remember that you are experiencing a life lesson. It may not be the first time, it may not be the last, but each is a different learning experience. There are positives in there, even if you can't see them yet.

 

Remember that this is a chance to take stock and re evaluate your life, your goals, and your boundaries.

[TheSwanGirl]

What a great idea!!!

 

Some advice here (he broke up with me almost one year ago).

 

- As MeadowFlower said, don't put too much pressure on yourself. Take it one day at a time. It will take whatever it takes. Don't look too much into the future.

 

- Cry as much as you want and pity yourself as much as you want BUT for a reasonable amount of time. I indulged on this behaviour way too much and it only brought me pain. So, let's say you can do all that for 2 months top. No more than that.

 

- Do whatever the hell you want to do. Don't listen to people... Not even me or anyone in this forum. We are here to help each other, and to listen to each other without judging. You feel like staying home? Stay. You feel like eating? Eat. You feel like going to the park? Go! But it is important to listen to your brain, more than your heart. Your heart only wants to cry and spend the whole day in bed. Your brain will know that's not the right path to heal. So listen to your brain. It will be a great guidance. Perhaps you know you can stay at home for one day, but then go out the rest of the week. And instead of eating junk food for the whole week, you can eat one day of junk food and then eat what you normally have for lunch and diner. You get the point. You need to find balance between what you want to do, and what you know you should be doing.

 

- Don't beat yourself too much with what you may or may not did wrong. We all make mistakes, but it takes two to tango. So the fault it's not entirely yours or his/hers.

 

- Break all the tabooes. Go to the movies alone. Go to diner alone. Start having a relationship with yourself. Listen to yourself, you have a lot to say. Realise that the only person you need to be happy, it's you.

 

- You MUST know that you will feel like you are alone and that NO ONE understands you. That's okay. No one really understands because every person, break up and relationship it's different and unique. But that doesn't mean you're alone. Take a look around you... You will know I'm right: you're not alone.

 

- Take time to make up your mind before you start dating. You will compare your ex to everyone, and all the memories will start coming. That happens when you're not ready to date. That's why I haven't dated yet. I mean, I went to two dates and I realised that I'm not up to that... I'm not ready.

 

- DON'T DON'T DON'T DON'T CONTACT THEM AT ALL. AT ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Their cat died? A close relative? They won a Nobel prize? DON'T CONTACT THEM. THEY put us OUT of their lives. Do you really want to feel and experience the missery of knowing they don't want us anymore?

 

- Just because someone doesn't want you, it doesn't mean you're damaged forever.

 

- YOU ARE NOT SOMEONE ELSE'S OPINION OF YOU.

 

- You are not damaged goods because someone broke you.

 

- You ARE beautiful... In every single way.

 

- Being single doesn't mean being lonely, and feeling lonely doesn't mean you are alone.

 

- You were BRAVE to let someone in in your life. You will be brave to keep going. To keep walking.

 

- Words and dates are just that: words and dates. Words mean nothing... And dates are a day and a month.

 

- Do you feel like you can't go on? Look for a good therapist. I spent a lot of money I didn't have on a therapist... It's the best investment I ever made. I stopped going after six months, not because I don't need it anymore, but because I'm going to travel this year and I need the money. But I am in one piece thanks to my therapist. She gave me tools to deal with this... With life in general. Before her, I thought I knew myself. I thought that I was this and that... She made me see that I don't know who I am, and that gave me strength and a purpose: to get to know me. Also she made me realise that I needed to listen to myself, and that being vulnerable and saying: "I feel like ****", requires a lot of bravery and strength. It isn't being weak. It's actually the contrary.

 

- You are wiser, stronger and smarter than you were before the break up.

 

So that's my advice, I guess.

 

I love you all, take care.

Edited January 6, 2017 by TheSwanGirl
Edit: I don't know if you understand everything I say. Sorry. Learning English here by myself. Feel free to ask!

[Been]

It will hurt. But you will get through it.

It's ok to talk about it and it's ok to be angry/sad.

To get over someone you can't have them in your life-even if they want to be friends.

Their isn't a magic day or time where all the sudden your ok. Be patient with your healing.

View it as a life lesson. Learn from it.

[Soph2016]

I am glad to read this thread this morning but somehow I feel numb to the advice.

After many months of crying, I decided yesterday to give up on love. I love my ex and he broke up with me in such a humiliating way and he has never contacted me to give me any explanation. I gave the relationship all that I had and that was my mistake. Loving someone hurts so badly.

After crying out of the blue for the past two days, I realized yesterday that none of my relationships has been fulfilling. There was always something. When I was younger, it was pursuing my studies, having to give up on relationships because my education was important to me. Now, I am in my thirties, I am done with my studies, I work, I do not have many friends but I do have good friends. I met that man, I fell in love with him, he told me he loved me and he broke up with me. He does not care. He may be back with his much younger successful ex or with someone else. I was not not the one for him. My love was not enough, the woman I am was not enough. It hurts. I would rather give up on love than put myself through so much turmoil.

The idea of giving up is much more manageable to me. I can "breathe" again. I know one day, I will wake up without thinking about him, without crying over the fact that he is happy without me and does not care, that he may have gone back to the woman he loved all along and that I was a fool for not seeing he did not love me. I cannot wait for that day.

[elaine567]

I am glad to read this thread this morning but somehow I feel numb to the advice.

After many months of crying, I decided yesterday to give up on love. I love my ex and he broke up with me in such a humiliating way and he has never contacted me to give me any explanation. I gave the relationship all that I had and that was my mistake. Loving someone hurts so badly.

After crying out of the blue for the past two days, I realized yesterday that none of my relationships has been fulfilling. There was always something. When I was younger, it was pursuing my studies, having to give up on relationships because my education was important to me. Now, I am in my thirties, I am done with my studies, I work, I do not have many friends but I do have good friends. I met that man, I fell in love with him, he told me he loved me and he broke up with me. He does not care. He may be back with his much younger successful ex or with someone else. I was not not the one for him. My love was not enough, the woman I am was not enough. It hurts. I would rather give up on love than put myself through so much turmoil.

The idea of giving up is much more manageable to me. I can "breathe" again. I know one day, I will wake up without thinking about him, without crying over the fact that he is happy without me and does not care, that he may have gone back to the woman he loved all along and that I was a fool for not seeing he did not love me. I cannot wait for that day.

 

NEVER get involved with people who have unfinished business with their ex - still in love with the ex, still grieving for the ex, hate the ex, are fighting with the ex....

 

The minute your guy started speaking about her, comparing her to you, comparing her mother to your mother etc.etc was the minute you needed to walk away. YOU were the rebound and no matter what you did, it would never have been good enough as frankly you are just not her.

Stop beating yourself up.

 

He was hurt, he met you , he slotted you into her place, he treated you like he did her, someone he adored and loved. YOU basked in the glory, this was a man who truly loved you, you felt special, you felt adored.

BUT he at some point realised he was fooling himself and deceiving you too, YOU were not her, you were just some woman he met when he was really down and hurt, and so he split up with you asap. It was like the scales fell off his eyes and he saw you as you really are ie NOT her.

This is the problem with being a rebound, do not put yourself in this position again.

For him it is all part of the grieving process, for the rebound it is almost always a disaster.

What seems like the perfect match, unravels so fast they can hardly quite believe it.

[Soph2016]

It is even more heartbreaking. What's the point of it all then? Being here, on earth, living everyday with that pain? People explain so clearly what drives some people to use othersas band aid? What about us who tried, trusted, gave iit all we had? Yes I am crying and yes I am hurting. Love finishes last. My love was nothing, I was nothing. Nevermind. Sorry I allowed myself to trust the person in front of me.

[not-again]

You may cry, get angry, mope around but it will pass. Your heart will heal and you will, unexpectingly, fall in love again with someone that you deserve.

 

Surround yourself with friends and families and keep busy. As soon as you start thinking about them, consciously try and think about something else like your new hobby you just took on.

 

That person is out there, waiting to fall in love with your smile, your humour, your personality. It's just a matter of time of when you two will cross paths.

 

(Not sure if I'm allowed to post links but I'll give it a crack)

Just because you were dumped, it does not mean you are flawed. You're an amazing beautiful person regardless of what your ex says. Here's a link to people's reactions, when they hear recordings of strangers commenting on if they find they other person finds them attractive/beautiful even if they think they have flaws (in this case it's not the ex has said but them just being self conscious).

New link to the correct video I was referencing.

 

As mentioned, don't think that you will never heal/fall in love again. Life will throw at you a curve ball (in a good way) when you least expect it, and you will meet that girl/guy who has been looking for you, waiting patiently to fall in love with you.

 

^^^ Reminds me of How I Met Your Mother for those of you who are familiar with the TV show.

Edited January 12, 2017 by not-again

[keiji]

Just a little, joyful chapter for the dumpees here.

 

Around these dates last year I was an absolute mess. After five very difficult years on a personal and professional level, my ex girlfriend gave me the coup de grace and I went down with a depression. I had to go on medication, which I complemented with therapy, or perhaps it was the other way around. Little by little I started picking up the pieces and analyzing what had gone wrong, particularly those negative aspects I was 100% responsible of. I didn't want to make the same mistakes again. In September I quit medication and took a break from therapy, which is hard work. I was doing so much better and I thought I needed to re-evaluate all that had been spoken about at the sessions and start taking actions.

 

Fast forward to January 2017. It doesn't hurt to think about my ex anymore. I got quite a few accolades for my work in the last months. I'm currently redesigning my whole career approach with very good prospects. I've got project queued up until December. I'm single and never, ever feel lonely. I've met wonderful girls, but I'm just not ready. There's more to life than having a SO. I finally learned to love and respect myself.

 

Today I took up my sessions again. I wanted to see how it felt to sit in front of my therapist and what came out of it. And what came out of it is she said I don't need to go back. "Just come when you feel like chatting a bit", she said. I made it. After being cheated on and vilified to top it all off, after losing my house and a couple of important clients and therefore, my financial stability, after a series of relationships that went nowhere and just kept pushing me down, after losing a beloved relative, after losing a girlfriend that, with hindsight, was probably more of a lifeline, I made it.

 

Don't sit on your couch feeling sorry for yourselves. All that energy will come back. Just use the little that's left and carry on. It's sad, but admitting that they don't want us in their lives is the first step. When I first read in this forum that happiness is the best revenge I was skeptical, but not anymore.

Edited January 12, 2017 by keiji