Girlfriend hid our relationship and flirted with others. Now she makes it visible.

[jeremyhoward]

I've been with my girlfriend now for about 3 months. I'm 29 and she's 26. She's had a history of dating bad boy players. (I happen to have had my fair share of psycho exes, if that's worth even mentioning.) During the summer, she was dating a bad boy who she fell hardcore for. After a shortwhile, he played her and she was crushed. (She's been played several times by guys in her past.) We got into a relationship about a month after he screwed her over. In retrospect, I can see how that was a bit quick.

 

My problem I had was this.. And before people get on me for making this about Facebook, just hear me out-- When I made the relationship update on facebook, she accepted it but she kept her relationship status private on her page. And over the course of these 3 months, she's been adding some random single guys from our area and flirting with them on their facebook. I'll admit, I did snoop on their pages to find this information. Only because it seemed fishy that she was adding these random single guys from our area. She was Liking their pictures, and even put heart emojis on a status one of the guys made. Clearly being flirtatious.

 

She's one of those girls who likes to puts alot on facebook. And during the time she was adding these guys, she was posting very minimally about me. Which is odd behavior for her.

 

I never said anything to her, I just watched from afar. I noticed a couple of days ago, three months into our relationship, she deleted the random guys she added and she has our relationship status visible on her page now. Which tells me, my suspicions were true and she was DEFINITELY adding random local guys and flirting with them since we've been together, and disguising herself as being single. Even though she deleted them and made our relationship status visible, should I be wary?

 

I've read about being a "beta provider" which I guess is what I am to here. I do treat her well. She's had a history of dating alphas/bad boy. She's told her friends in the past that she wants stability for herself and her son, and that she wants to get married (I think part of that is because she sees alot of her friends getting married and being happy couples.) Am I a rebound or a consolation prize? The fact that she deleted them and made our relationship status visible seems like a good sign, but should I be wary over the fact that she did that in the first place?

[Space Ritual]

She is testing the waters to see if she can bed another Alpha and when she gets her fill of validation, she will "settle" for you.

 

I'm really sorry this is happening.

 

You sound like a really nice guy.

 

I was one once. Until something bad happened and I became a Monster.

Please do yourself a favor and get rid of her. It is a vicious cycle that will never end as long as she knows you are always good for a fallback plan. And it will eventually drive you to be not very nice.

 

Don't end up like me. Get out now before you end up being driven over the edge.

 

Do yourself a huge solid and Google "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It is available in PDF form online for free. And read it this weekend. Its a short read but it will open your eyes. And it WILL help you, sir!

 

I wish it had been available 30 years ago. My life may have ended up different.

 

Again I'm sorry. But ACT...doing nothing is also a choice but life is too short to not act when the opportunity presents itself. And this opportunity has more than presented itself.

[smackie9]

Your gut feeling could be very right. IMO if it's feeling no right, then it's not. I'm sure you are feeling your deserve better than this....so why settle? I know not all single moms are like this, but you do have to be very cautious, or you may find yourself being taken for granted or taken advantage of.

[fireflywy]

Sounds to me like in the first few months she was keeping her options open but has only lately now settled definitively on you. Are you sure as this was going on that you were solely exclusive and established firm boundaries?

 

With that said, it's still somewhat troubling she did this because it could be an admission that she wasn't totally into you and you alone and was maybe looking for different or saw you as a rebound with terminal utility to her.

 

I would probably bail having once been in a similar situation which brought me here. Never again though.

 

And yes, that book is a great one to read.

[basil67]

When a woman tells you that she's always dated bad guys, it's a glaring red flag. I believe that women who like 'bad boys' (ie; men who treat them badly) are broken. I mean, would a woman who had her head screwed on right choose a bad boy?

 

She's doing her current behaviour because she's broken. She still wants the drama which comes from being in a screwed up relationship.

 

Think twice before you continue. And make sure to remember that you can't save her or fix her. Just concentrate on figuring out what you need for yourself.

[gorf]

Im with everyone else on this, I would at the very least be on guard. She went after the bad boys cause they were easy to get rid of. Think about that. Its a comitment thing mixed with a jaded messed up past. Maybe a while back when this was happening (adding and flirting with the guys), she was just unsure about you. Fair enough. To go around disguising as single, well thats a whole different story. Not fair to you. If you see it again, especially after time passed, you know what you are to her. I would not 'say nothing' and act like you dont notice either. Call her out on it. Its behaviour nobody should accept, so dont sweep it under the rug and get used to it. If she continues, and you do accept it and get used to it as 'just flirting' then you arent seeing her side, or the other guys side. To her and the guys she is flirting with, she is esentially telling them "im single" or "im not serious about that guy" or something like "just try a little harder, I like the attention." She is making you as invisible as possible, and as things progress, to the other guys: you are a nobody. Thats all her doing.

 

Single.. fine. But if she is in a relationship with someone (you) then its disrespectful, to say the very least. And once she sees you 1) dont notice or 2) notice but dont set boundaries and call her out on it as not good: she will continue. And........ it will get worse. Use your imagination.

 

Up to you what you want to do here, but remember that at some point you and her had some sort of understanding and talk, and you became "official" I mean thats why you changed your status. Usually its the girl to start that. But in any case, you had that talk. And she showed you with action that she is capable of having that talk, deciding magnanimous official 1/1 ride or die kinda relationship..... and at the same time acting single behind your back. Whats to stop her at this point? Roses, a nice date, nice words? Seriously. One bad day or argument and she might go right back to being anyones girlfriend, and that can get much more ugly than flirting o FB if you dont put your foot down now.

Edited January 6, 2017 by gorf

[smackie9]

IMO she isn't broken, but lacks self worth and is immature. There will be a time in her life when she will grow out of this. Maybe this is her time adjusting and maturing....BUT this sort of this will not happen over night. She's still young, and the young ones do love attention to make them feel "special" like they mean something.

 

Seriously tho, if you feel you have to search through your partner's phone without them knowing is a sign you shouldn't be in that relationship or any if this is a habit when going into a relationship.

[jeremyhoward]

Sounds to me like in the first few months she was keeping her options open but has only lately now settled definitively on you. Are you sure as this was going on that you were solely exclusive and established firm boundaries?

 

With that said, it's still somewhat troubling she did this because it could be an admission that she wasn't totally into you and you alone and was maybe looking for different or saw you as a rebound with terminal utility to her.

 

I would probably bail having once been in a similar situation which brought me here. Never again though.

 

And yes, that book is a great one to read.

 

Thanks for your honesty. May I ask what your similar situation was?

[jeremyhoward]

Im with everyone else on this, I would at the very least be on guard. She went after the bad boys cause they were easy to get rid of. Think about that. Its a comitment thing mixed with a jaded messed up past. Maybe a while back when this was happening (adding and flirting with the guys), she was just unsure about you. Fair enough. To go around disguising as single, well thats a whole different story. Not fair to you. If you see it again, especially after time passed, you know what you are to her. I would not 'say nothing' and act like you dont notice either. Call her out on it. Its behaviour nobody should accept, so dont sweep it under the rug and get used to it. If she continues, and you do accept it and get used to it as 'just flirting' then you arent seeing her side, or the other guys side. To her and the guys she is flirting with, she is esentially telling them "im single" or "im not serious about that guy" or something like "just try a little harder, I like the attention." She is making you as invisible as possible, and as things progress, to the other guys: you are a nobody. Thats all her doing.

 

Single.. fine. But if she is in a relationship with someone (you) then its disrespectful, to say the very least. And once she sees you 1) dont notice or 2) notice but dont set boundaries and call her out on it as not good: she will continue. And........ it will get worse. Use your imagination.

 

Up to you what you want to do here, but remember that at some point you and her had some sort of understanding and talk, and you became "official" I mean thats why you changed your status. Usually its the girl to start that. But in any case, you had that talk. And she showed you with action that she is capable of having that talk, deciding magnanimous official 1/1 ride or die kinda relationship..... and at the same time acting single behind your back. Whats to stop her at this point? Roses, a nice date, nice words? Seriously. One bad day or argument and she might go right back to being anyones girlfriend, and that can get much more ugly than flirting o FB if you dont put your foot down now.

 

Do you think that came off as clingy or desperate that I initiated the relationship change first? Do you think I forced her into a relationship and she accepted because she was feeling vulnerable from her previous pain from the month before? (the player)

[Whitestar]

I think the past is a pretty good predictor of the future especially with people.

 

You know she has a history of being attracted to these so-called 'Alpha' males (ie. sociopaths and narcissists) so it is logical to imagine she still is attracted to them. You were obviously nice to her when she was in a bad situation and she is grateful for that but thats probably all your relationship is based on. Also you should honestly examine your own motives in helping her. Was it purely altruistic or was it you exploiting her vulnerability to persuade her into a relationship with you? You may not even be consciously aware of doing this. Rescuing broken women is usually a bad basis for a relationship IMO. Thats what therapists are for...

 

Either way, I think its likely she will cheat on you with the next 'Alpha' that pays her attention.

Edited January 9, 2017 by Whitestar

[Chaparral]

Which of you said "I love you" first? When?

 

Get a book called MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER. Its a relationship guide for men though it sounds like a sex guide.

 

The NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY book is good too but you will quickly see if it applies to you. It can be down;loaded for free. MMSLP can be bought online at Barnes and Noble and amazon.

[Space Ritual]

Do you think that came off as clingy or desperate that I initiated the relationship change first? Do you think I forced her into a relationship and she accepted because she was feeling vulnerable from her previous pain from the month before? (the player)

 

You don't get it, Jeremy.

 

She only cares about what you do for her until a guy sends her a pic of his abs and off she'll go, not even remembering you exist, until she has her fun and comes back to Mister Nice Guy. Lather Rinse, Repeat.

 

 

She is going to chew you up and spit you out like a 2 dollar steak.

[Space Ritual]

Find and watch "The Last American Virgin".

 

There is a character in the film named Gary, who from your story, could be you.

 

That is you future with this chick.

 

RUN!

[frigginlost]

Find and watch "The Last American Virgin".

 

There is a character in the film named Gary, who from your story, could be you.

 

That is you future with this chick.

 

RUN!

 

Hehehe... I was thinking the exact same thing.

 

The ending of that movie is absolutely brutal.

[stillafool]

She was probably keeping her FB status hidden for 3 months because she didn't want her ex bad boy to see she was now dating you. She was hoping he would come back to her but once she realizes that wasn't going to happen she updated her status to include you. If you marry this woman just know that you will probably never have the sex life you dreamed of because she will always pine for the bad boy. You will be frustrated.

[usa1ah]

What I would be worried about is the fact that you do not know her at all. Have could you only dating for THREE months.

 

Slow down get to know her. Also, be honest about this and talk with her about it. If she is marrying you just because she wants a stable home, that is one sure fire way to head for divorce court one day.

[jeremyhoward]

She was probably keeping her FB status hidden for 3 months because she didn't want her ex bad boy to see she was now dating you. She was hoping he would come back to her but once she realizes that wasn't going to happen she updated her status to include you. If you marry this woman just know that you will probably never have the sex life you dreamed of because she will always pine for the bad boy. You will be frustrated.

 

I did find it very odd how those questionable "single local guys" she added a couple months ago (whom I've noticed her secretly flirting with on facebook) are suddenly ALL no longer friends with her on facebook and all of a sudden our relationship status is FINALLY visible on her page, after 3 months of being official. Seems like she may have deleted them and made the status visible, simultaneously. Which tells me she was definitely leading these guys on to think that she was single..

 

Even though she's now suddenly changed it (and apparently has a change of heart) is this relationship still doomed?

[moebius]

First of all I had to admit I didn't read every single post in this thread. I just read the first page so bare with me if I end up saying something already said here.

 

Some people like the idea of non-exclusive relationships. Usually those people avoid being too specific about the boundaries of their relationship. In fact, they usually behave as in a non-exclusive relationship but they don't tell this to their partners because they would prefer their partners to be exclusive to them. Yes, I know, I know.

 

Your girlfriends behavior rings a bell. And that bell tells me that she is this kind of person. What you was on her facebook was her being in a non-exclusive relationship with you. While you wasn't warned about it. And while you probably acted as in an exclusive relationship with her.

 

And I'm sorry but when I said she was in a non-exclusive relationship that means that she could have gone as far as having sex with another guy while dating you. And she won't consider that cheating. I don't mean to say she did. It's just what this kind of people think.

 

You, on the other hand, are clearly a more traditional guy. And even when she can be fully committed now, you two are most probably incompatible.

IMHO you should break up with her. And probably you should talk about this issue first to get some clarification on her side.

[Space Ritual]

Even though she's now suddenly changed it (and apparently has a change of heart) is this relationship still doomed?

 

Yes. Because eventually she will not feel the attention you pay her is enough.

 

External validation, especially on Social Media, is a pretty powerful draw. It will be difficult to compete with.

 

Right now she may seem content, but once she gets a bit bored with you, she'll b e right back adding all those guys.

 

You'll be back here in a few months if not a few weeks asking why you aren't enough for her again. Because it is only a matter of time before she goes back to the Validation well.

 

Sorry, like I said earlier, she is going to chew you up and spit you out like a 2 dollar steak

[jeremyhoward]

Yes. Because eventually she will not feel the attention you pay her is enough.

 

External validation, especially on Social Media, is a pretty powerful draw. It will be difficult to compete with.

 

Right now she may seem content, but once she gets a bit bored with you, she'll b e right back adding all those guys.

 

You'll be back here in a few months if not a few weeks asking why you aren't enough for her again. Because it is only a matter of time before she goes back to the Validation well.

 

Sorry, like I said earlier, she is going to chew you up and spit you out like a 2 dollar steak

 

The thing is, she's had a history of dating "bad boys" and I'm a more traditional kind of guy. I dont know if Im "boring" in her eyes. One of her girlfriends told me she claimed she wanted stability and to eventually get married and live "happily ever after". So I dont know why she would blow this opportunity to do that? Unless she's a drama-magnet and she just has to create some kind of drama? Ill admit, she does have alot of drama in her life. She comes from a broken home and she's had a rough life.

 

I dont know if our relationship was maybe her "trying something different"? The fact that I found out she was adding/flirting with random local guys for a couple months, and then now deletes them and FINALLY makes our relationship status visible on facebook, definitely tells me at some point she was either keeping her options open, whoring for external male validation, or was just unsure about me. Obviously all of those potential scenarios unsettle me.

 

We first met eachother a few weeks after the last player she was dating screwed her over, and then we jumped into a relationship a couple of weeks after. In retrospect, I can see how that was a bit fast. And in the back of my head now, Im pondering if MAYBE i was thought of as a rebound?

 

Its now been a bit over 3 months that we've been together, and when I saw she deleted those guys and made our relationship status visible, it made me feel a bit better. But should I be on the lookout from now on? Obviously you think our relationship is doomed anyway right?

[Space Ritual]

One of her girlfriends told me she claimed she wanted stability and to eventually get married and live "happily ever after". So I dont know why she would blow this opportunity to do that? Unless she's a drama-magnet and she just has to create some kind of drama? Ill admit, she does have alot of drama in her life. She comes from a broken home and she's had a rough life

 

That's the thing...

 

Her GIRLFRIEND told you that..she didn't.

 

All people like to say that type of stuff that they want the American Dream of the White Picket Fence and the Nuclear Family. It rarely happens.

 

Because that Traditional American Dream of The White Picket Fence and the Nuclear Family and all the stability that comes with it is BORING for most young people. They see it as a waste of time and energy.

 

And that is what is exactly going to happen with this girl. You will eventually be too boring to waste much time on for more than a fleeting moment in her eyes.

 

Coming from a broken home or having a bad upbringing has nothing to do with it. I had one of the worst upbringings you can imagine on the South Side of Chicago. I never cheated on a girl or even thought about it. That environment excuse is just that, an excuse.

 

It is all about choices.

 

 

Again, you provide stability emotionally for her for awhile, until you begin to bore her. It is much like the Binge Drinker who gets plastered one time too many and decides to go home for a few days and dry out. Life seems a lot better because the Binger has mom and dad to make food for them and do their laundry and it's ok for a few days until they realize that sticking around teh house is going to be not much more than that. it becomes boring pretty fast and the Drinker will feel obligated to go out on Friday Night and see his friends. Then it's Lather, Rinse , Repeat.

 

The analogy I just gave you is pretty much your girlfriend in a nutshell.

 

She will behave with you until she gets bored with your validation and needs it, even for one night, from someone who is not you.. Then she will claim that it is a turnoff and go bang some bad boy. Then she will feel bad about it and come back to you and make it a big secret between the girlfriends that covered for her until she runs afoul of one of them and they threaten to tell you. Then more drama wil ensue and either she will act squirrelly or dump the friend like a hot potato without any explanation while always wondering when the shoe will drop and Jeremy may figure this out and her emotional crutch may finally have had enough.

 

People like your girlfriend rarely deviate from this script. They usually are willing to go total scorched earth if need be in order to hide their shenanigans from the one person they take for granted. I know it sounds a bit much, but it is gong to happen between you two at some point.

 

I'd bet on it.

 

So yes your relationship with this chick is doomed to failure. You two might be ok through the Winter or even part of the Spring, but you are one argument away from all of this going south on you. And you can expect that argument to be on a Friday.

 

Sorry kid, you are just marking time with this one. Do no have unprotected sex with her lest you get her pregnant.

[Miss Clavel]

Do you think that came off as clingy or desperate that I initiated the relationship change first? Do you think I forced her into a relationship and she accepted because she was feeling vulnerable from her previous pain from the month before? (the player)

 

 

maybe. first i have to know if you two are sleeping together?

[PeanutMom]

Most of your replies seem to be coming from jaded dudes. So here's my girl opinion...

 

It's Facebook. I was in a relationship for almost a year, living together, etc. and we were never "Facebook official". I was not flirting behind his back. Not cheating. I just like my privacy and honestly it is no one else's business. One of my main passions/hobbies is male dominated band as a result I have many male FB friends. Anyone that means anything to me knew I was in a relationship. Anyone that tried to flirt with me was ignored or politely informed of such.

 

Have you tried ::collective gasp:: talking to her about this? I am now in a new relationship and it has caused some old insecurities in me to resurface. He is aware. Because I am able to talk to him. Communication is key. You want someone to be your partner for the rest of your life? Talk to her. See what's her reasoning is. Maybe she isn't a good person and you need to move on. Maybe she's likes her privacy. Talk to her. See what she has to say. She may disappoint you. She may surprise you. But she is the only one that know the truth... the rest is speculation.

[Chaparral]

Not really sure what the problem is. Not putting the status up after dating only three months doesn't seem odd at all. You guys barely know each other or am I missing something?

 

The quicker she posted about an exclusive relationship the faster she burns bridges with anyone interested if you turn out to be a dud. I would take it as a compliment that she is now fully invested

The whole point of dating is that it's a trial run. Even after that 40% or so first time marriage fail so the trial run doesn't always work.

[jeremyhoward]

Not really sure what the problem is. Not putting the status up after dating only three months doesn't seem odd at all. You guys barely know each other or am I missing something?

 

The quicker she posted about an exclusive relationship the faster she burns bridges with anyone interested if you turn out to be a dud. I would take it as a compliment that she is now fully invested

The whole point of dating is that it's a trial run. Even after that 40% or so first time marriage fail so the trial run doesn't always work.

 

My issue is that she agreed to be exclusive with me and then exhibited that behavior. If we weren't exclusive yet, there would be no problem with her keeping her options open, so to speak. But we agreed to be exclusive