Feeling better - Some thoughts

[elhacedor]

A month and a half after my girlfirend decided to break up with me, and 17 days since I last saw her and kissed her (maintaining no contact since then), today I feel much better. I know it's a roller coaster and I'm going to have relapses, but, for the first time since this started, I'm seeing the way out.

 

The other night I was torn between remorse and negative feelings toward my ex. On one hand I felt that I had destroyed my most beautiful relationship with my stupid flaws, on the other, it made me feel so angry and hurt that my ex, whom I loved so much, did not love me enough to tolerate them and perhaps help me change, when I was willing to do so for her. Alternatively, I wanted to send her a text to apologize -once again - or to blame her -once again.

 

Fortunately for me, I did neither.

 

Finally, I understood that I will not get anything from my ex. None of her possible reactions (anger, sadness, apologies, indifference) would satisfy me, but any of them would, in fact, hurt even more.

 

She is a wonderful person, and I still love her very much. That feeling will take some time to leave. I still miss her and being a part of each other lives. Perhaps our relationship was bound to fail. Or perhaps it is destined to continue - or rather to reincarnate in another relationship.

 

In any case, the conclusion is the same: I need to stop worrying so much.

 

I did my best to keep the relationship alive, and it did not work. So, at least in some ways, it is better to be dumpee than the dumper. Unlike her, who took - with doubts - this decision, I have no regrets that are going to haunt me in the future. My only option is to move on.

 

After much thought about these things, this morning I woke up feeling much better.

 

In the last couple days, I have been reading The Enchiridion, by Epictetus. A bit old-fashioned, but stoicism never goes out of style. It contains some fantastic and indeed encouraging quotes, such as:

 

-"Never say of anything, "I have lost it"; but, "I have returned it." What difference is it to you who the giver assigns to take it back? While he gives it to you to possess, take care of it; but don't view it as your own, just as travelers view a hotel."

 

-"Don't demand that things happen as you wish, but wish that they happen as they do happen, and you will go on well."

 

I have also decided to stop pressuring myself about the future. I actually do not know if I will find ever find another girl like her, or even if I will find love at all again. There are no guarantees about this. Again, that's why I should not worry. I do not need any relationship right now. If my ex does, she will surely find another imperfect partner, and she will probably have problems, but it's not my job anymore to care about them.

 

Mi only duty is to care about myself and my well being, and, maybe some day I will have the chance to care about someone else, having learnt all the lessons from my past relationship.

 

I know all this may sound a bit obvious and repetitive. But it sure took me a lot of effort and pain to truly feel this way!

Edited January 6, 2017 by elhacedor