9 years married - Just need the truth

[nomoreplz]

Hello,

 

We have been together for 9 1/2 years. Random SIDE NOTE that I don't know where to put: One time when were dating when we went to a club with a 2 other friends she started GRINDING on the other guy for a while like really on his junk. I asked her about this recently and she said she just did it because he bought us drinks and no one was dancing with him and that I shouldn't have married her if it bothered me. In earlier conversations with her friend and I she would mention what a BIG guy he was. End SIDENOTE We have been married 9 years. We got prego about 3 months in to relationship. She already has a daughter who I meet when she was 3.

 

She lost her job when she was prego with our first (2008) then she got a new job with a bank inside of a grocery store in 2009ish. She got a new manager later that year who was transferred to her bank because he had a sexual harrasment thing against him for what my wife says was just "adjusting" himself in front of the lady.

 

This new manager apparently wanted to perform reviews offsite and take each person out individually to have lunch with them for their reviews. She told me this and that he does this with everyone. Recently I asked her about how much they would have lunch she said once a month, then again recently I asked her how much they would have lunch then she said oh no actually it was once a quarter(I always get different answers from her stories). I was asking could you deny lunch, like this seems really weird to me that they would allow a 1 1/2 hour lunch for a review. She said maybe but I just did it because it was with my boss, I did what he said. She told me he was married and that he had mentioned in front of everyone in the branch(don't know if that's true) that he wants to divorce his wife but can't because of religious reasons. My wife would make dinners to bring to work for everyone and/or bring our left overs to work with her for them. Then bring all the dishes home for me to wash, because I wash the dishes in our house. I finally put 2 and 2 together and figured I was washing all of their dishes too I was pretty mad, then she got pretty mad because she "just liked to make food for people" and that I ruined some of her happieness. Apparently this manager's wife never cooked for him. Fast forward 2 years. The manager quits and she gets transferred. She told me she got transferred because she didn't want to work at that branch because she didn't get his old job even though she was doing his old job for months. She also said maybe they transferred her because the girl that transferred with her from the other branch was having a lot of problems. I can't get a conclusive story on why they did it, kind of scares me.

 

Anyways they've been talking the whole time they haven't been working together through phone and text messages.

 

After she lost her job with the bank she said he wanted to have lunch with her so he could get an interview for her with one of his friends. After this I confronted her and asked her if they've ever done anything together(as in not just friends) she said no very loudly and cried and said she has never had inappropriate conversations or anything with any other man. And that she only wanted to be with me. She said however, that she knew he liked her, I asked her how she knew a couple of times and she said just because he was very nice to her. So, a few months later she has a surgery and we take time off together. I find some text messages on phones and in some text messages that I backed up for her. One thread was talking with her best friend because apparently the guy(that manager) texted my wife but she didn't know it was him so she texted her friend to confirm(her and best friend worked together at the bank) and her friend said yeah that was him. My wife said ok my husband is concerned about this. Her friend said yeah so my husband would be too. Then my wife said yeah he's a little creepy and I'll take him off my facebook. Now, I don't get this, because they were talking back and forth with no problems, so she must be hiding something from me and her best friend. When I confronted her about this she denied her friend said that and then called her friend in front of me to ask her then I said no and had her hang up. Then she said invading my privacy to use something against me and that her friend didn't really know what it was like at the old branch.

 

I have read a few texts between them. She deletes them all of the time, she says she does this because he doesn't text only but a few months. One said how she was the best employee he's ever worked with and that he was the best manager she's ever worked with. In 2013 she got a promotion to where she would drive around a lot more. She went to his town for this job about once a month. Then I found a text of him asking if she was in her own town(where we live) and if he could buy her lunch. She said no on vacation. Then he said to tell me hi, which I don't think she did. So he knew that she got a new job because he knew to ask her if she was in town. I am trying to get all my old phone records to see the frequency of texts.

 

Now that I confronted her about all of this they haven't talked in over 2 years, or as far as the phone bills tell me.

 

She tells me she never went to lunch with him after they stopped working together and all that they did at their lunches was talk about work. I told her I had remember a text of where she said that she couldn't get lunch with me because she was going with him, so I told her this then she said actually I don't know if I went to lunch with him after I stopped working there, because you found that text. Sounds to me like she was fishing for how much information I had about them having lunches after they worked together. I can't reason with this that they stopped having lunch because as I said earlier he invited her to lunch two years later. I think I just missed reading some text messages there and that they've been going to lunch this whole time maybe that is why she said they were going to lunch once a month.

 

I can't concentrate at work or anything this is eating me up. It feels like she's been having an affair for about 6 years now. She says I didn't appreciate her and that she had too much to do because I didn't do much. She would cook and I would clean the house once in a while and do dishes all the time. We both took care of the kids. Maybe she took days off of work to hang out with him and go to lunch/hotels, I just don't know.

 

I gave her an orgasm recently, because we had some edibles. This was the first time she yelled during sex with me and it happened the next couple of nights too. I said how come you haven't had these with me before, it's been like SIX YEARS. She said she doesn't care about them and that she enjoys just being with me and that the edibles take her mind off of everything and she can just enjoy. I can't wrap my head around this. 6 years no orgasm. It just feels to me like someone else is giving it to her. She recently had orgasms when I use my fingers on clit(which was against the religious thing, but apparently only after a month of doing it she can orgasm from it with me). On our anniversaries I would always plan them and she would never be excited in bed for them. Don't get me wrong we have/had sex a lot and oral from her a lot. She wouldn't let me go down on her or use my fingers until recently after her surgery(which was after I confronted her) she's changed a lot since then kind of like a guilt trip that she had or something. She said she never really liked anyone going down on her because of religious stuff(I don't know if I believe this, it's probably because I am no good at it). Now mind you this is my first real relationship and she's been in quite a few. My psychologist says she might hide stuff from me because I am jealous. And she has even said before that I am extremely jealous. One time I followed her to Craigen o'reilly because she said she needed her wipers replaced. She didn't know I followed her. Her and another guy walked out and looked around her car just general stuff then both got into her car. Then I went up to the car and both got out she introduced me to him etc. After that when we got home she said what did you come up to us because you thought we were going to do something? I asked her about this recently and she said she doesn't remember but she probably said that because I was such a jealous person. I don't know why you would ask your husband this. She is only sometimes passionate when we have sex she is never romantic until recently. She cracks a lot of dirty jokes, I don't think with just me either. I saw some her text messages to other girls, ecards about your mom would like me too if she was an alcoholic whore and you say we should have three sum so you could dissappoint everyone else too? I asked her about these she said they don't represent her. I don't know seems kind of odd. She has never really been horny around me. I used to ask her all the time to try new stuff but the excuses would start as stated above. She never really initiated for our whole marriage, she said because all I wanted a lot was sex, which I did, but she went along with it. She had told me once that she wasn't excited or anything about sex or romanticism with me because the relationship is not new anymore. She says even if she said not really for sex that I would try and push for it still. This is my first relationship she has had......a lot...and probably more than a few non-relationships. She acts very loving around me for all of the marriage. Kisses me and hugs me etc. She tells me I don't trust her at all. She came home with bruises on her thighs and said I don't know maybe I ran into something? I feel like I was a donor for her to have kids. She said she really wanted kids ever since she was a kid and didn't want to have kids with first husband. She does have an std that she got before me, and that she knew I wouldn't want her when she told me. I told her I still wanted her and loved her.

 

Now, since she won't admit anything and this still eats me up. Do I just go along with life like everything is normal and happy now? I feel like I am on the verge of saying tell me everything or else we are divorcing! I just need to know all of the details of this, I think that would show me some respect from her. She says she doesn't want to talk about him anymore because I interrogate her too much and she didn't do anything wrong. She never really went to lunch with me when she was at the bank, because "I didn't really know when I would get a lunch" she said. I think I do have some issues with jealousy because my mother was whore who would bring home men all the time and I found them naked one time in the living room. She would also take guys to her room while our whole family was in the house then come out later. I have a lot of insecurities, because I have skeletal deformation problems. My wife says she loves that about me and loves me for who I am. We had a son recently, she was prego when she meet the guy for the last time. My new son also has the same skeletal deformation issues and she loves him to death. I tell my psychologist all of this stuff and he says he sees affairs all the time and just thinks I am being jealous. My dad says just go along with it, and that he really thinks nothing is happening. But my gut tells me different. My wife never really has gone out after work, she almost always comes home after, no late night stuff. She says she's been cheated on in the past and knows how much it hurts and would never do that to me. This thing between my wife and him could have been an innocent friendship, but it feels like she won't tell me the whole truth. She says she has never gone through my stuff because she trusts me. I don't think I trust her.

 

I forgot to say she really likes food. SHE REALLY LIKES GOING OUT FOR FOOD. I feel like I am the married guy who gets her for marriage and children and that manager guy is the fantasy filling awesome date person. This hurts me. Because she never tries to plan dates or anything. She also invites me to social functions with her but I never go, because of insecurities and that makes her sad. So I will go more now.

 

Thanks for reading

Edited January 7, 2017 by nomoreplz

[flowergirl14]

You trust that the banker won't steel your money. You trust that your company will give you a paycheck. You trust that your children's school is teaching your child. Trust is so critical in all our relationships and when you don't have it. You don't have it! Thats why reconcilation after an affair is difficult because you never trust that person again. You know what they are capable of.

[Mr Blunt]

By OP

I think I do have some issues with jealousy because my mother was whore who would bring home men all the time and I found them naked one time in the living room. She would also take guys to her room while our whole family was in the house then come out later. I have a lot of insecurities, because I have skeletal deformation problems

 

I tell my psychologist all of this stuff and he says he sees affairs all the time and just thinks I am being jealous. My dad says just go along with it, and that he really thinks nothing is happening.

 

 

 

 

 

 

By Blunt

Because of your jealousy and insecurity I would put a lot more trust in your psychologist and dad than your thoughts. You need to put a lot more activity getting yourself improved in those areas you mentioned.

 

You have not got any concrete evidence to substantiate your thoughts about you wife in over 9 year! Unless you have some concrete evidence then you would serve yourself best by stopping your accusations. Actions such as you have been doing to your wife could very easily turn her away from you. At this point it looks like you are much more of the problem than she is!

[Sweetfish]

I can't see this behavior of your continuing another couple years..

 

I suggest you read "No more Mr. Nice Guy" your wife will start to fall out of love if you keep this up.

[gettingstronger]

Your thoughts are all over the board-some have merit, some do not-if your behavior with your wife mimics this, you are making her nuts-

 

Stay in therapy and work through your obessive thought process-thats probably the best thing you can do for yourself-

[Cephalopod]

Get a DNA test done on your kid.

 

Like the others have said, you have no substantial proof she has been cheating on you. Hire a P.I. if you are convinced she is. It is the best way to find out.