Financial infidelity

[Henneb]

Hi,

I am at a loss what to do. I've been married for 7 years. 3 years ago we decided that it would make sense for me to stay home to raise our kids. Long story short the past two years I secretly used one of his credit cards to purchase stuff for myself and to buy other things for the house. I have full control of our bills so he never knew this card existed. Well, today he found out and he is so upset and angry. I perfectly understand his anger and confusion why I would do such a thing. (Credit card amount I used $2000)

 

I knew it was wrong using it. At the time I stated using it I had stopped working I felt guilty using the money in our account to do anything for myself. The Credit card gave me a false sense of security.

 

He says we can't get over this and will never be able to trust me with anything. Can someone please advice???

[Mr. Lucky]

I'd tell him two wrongs don't make a right.

 

You seem to clearly understand what you've done is improper. Deception is a trust killer and you need to believe in each other to function as a team. You need a transparent system that provides each of you with some personal funds.

 

Having said that, doesn't seem like an issue one normally ends an otherwise good marriage over. Are there other issues you haven't described?

 

Is he open to marriage counseling?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Henneb]

Mr. Lucky, thank you for replying. I think we had some communication issues early on in our marriage. We have been working towards that and I feel like he thinks we just took a 10 steps backwards. He's a very emotional guy. I just don't know how I'm going to make him understand. It just happened, so we haven talked about counseling or anything. I was hoping as wrong as I was using it I was hoping he could somehow understand why I did it. (I don't know if that makes Sense) are marriage able to survive something like this?

[Sweetfish]

Hi,

I am at a loss what to do. I've been married for 7 years. 3 years ago we decided that it would make sense for me to stay home to raise our kids. Long story short the past two years I secretly used one of his credit cards to purchase stuff for myself and to buy other things for the house. I have full control of our bills so he never knew this card existed. Well, today he found out and he is so upset and angry. I perfectly understand his anger and confusion why I would do such a thing. (Credit card amount I used $2000)

 

I knew it was wrong using it. At the time I stated using it I had stopped working I felt guilty using the money in our account to do anything for myself. The Credit card gave me a false sense of security.

 

He says we can't get over this and will never be able to trust me with anything. Can someone please advice???

 

I'm going to be honest with you. Depending on the man, this is going to be a huge violation of trust as you went behind his back. However, the issue is not going behind his back, but indeed the amount of work he puts in to fiscally support the house, you, and the kids. This may make him feel like he is not doing enough. This can feel taxing.

 

I would let the situation cool down a bit ad maybe find ways to pay back this debt. This will regain his trust... but men can be stubborn and he may refuse this.

[SolG]

Hi,

I am at a loss what to do. I've been married for 7 years. 3 years ago we decided that it would make sense for me to stay home to raise our kids. Long story short the past two years I secretly used one of his credit cards to purchase stuff for myself and to buy other things for the house. I have full control of our bills so he never knew this card existed. Well, today he found out and he is so upset and angry. I perfectly understand his anger and confusion why I would do such a thing. (Credit card amount I used $2000)

 

I knew it was wrong using it. At the time I stated using it I had stopped working I felt guilty using the money in our account to do anything for myself. The Credit card gave me a false sense of security.

 

He says we can't get over this and will never be able to trust me with anything. Can someone please advice???

 

Hi Henneb. The part of your story that really resonates with me is where you express guilt about spending money you have not 'earnt'. I experienced the exact same thing when I took 18 months off to have my daughter.

 

From my perspective, after having always had my own career and resources it was a real blow to my sense of worth not being an equal contributor to the household finances. Whereas I'd always felt, without even consciously knowing it, that I had absolute equal say in purchases and investments and was comfortable expending 'my share' of disposable income as I saw fit... all of a sudden that fiscal confidence evaporated with my income stream even though we had substantial savings. Kinda scary.

 

My H at the time and I talked about it. He understood given men are generally even more sensitive to the psychological effects of unemployment and/or fiscal imbalance. And we made allowances for it.

 

The thing is as a SAHM (for whatever period).... you're not unemployed. You're actually very gainfully employed in a very valuable and important role. And IMO you should be recompensed for it to the extent that the household budget allows. And I'm not saying recompensed in the sense of hourly salary, but in the sense that the budget should allow you some slack to have the discretion to make some purchases that are just for you, your home, or whatever else it is that makes you feel good and valued and confident about yourself and your role. With full disclosure and without guilt.

 

Whilst it's definitely not a good thing that you unilaterally decided to make purchases and hide them... I don't think it's too late now to have that conversation with your H about how you can move forward with an open and equitable financial system that can hopefully reestablish his trust and satisfy your needs without guilt and/or deceit.

[Mr. Lucky]

Whilst it's definitely not a good thing that you unilaterally decided to make purchases and hide them... I don't think it's too late now to have that conversation with your H about how you can move forward with an open and equitable financial system that can hopefully reestablish his trust and satisfy your needs without guilt and/or deceit.

 

Well said. Henneb, I'd guess if your H needs something small and reasonable for himself, he simply buys it. Assuming you didn't spend the $2K on lottery tickets, you need the same ability. Don't just fix the current problem, address the need going forward ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lady2163]

Hi,

I am at a loss what to do. I've been married for 7 years. 3 years ago we decided that it would make sense for me to stay home to raise our kids. Long story short the past two years I secretly used one of his credit cards to purchase stuff for myself and to buy other things for the house. I have full control of our bills so he never knew this card existed. Well, today he found out and he is so upset and angry. I perfectly understand his anger and confusion why I would do such a thing. (Credit card amount I used $2000)

 

I knew it was wrong using it. At the time I stated using it I had stopped working I felt guilty using the money in our account to do anything for myself. The Credit card gave me a false sense of security.

 

He says we can't get over this and will never be able to trust me with anything. Can someone please advice???

 

I don't know that I have advice, but there are solutions.

 

You already know you violated trust. You may have to give up control of,the finances for a long while. This may take some time to repair. It could be a long, uphill climb where you often feel like he is treating you like a child.

 

Have you considered getting a part time job? I mean really part time such as 8-12 hours a week. A couple of 4-6 hour shifts at a fast food or gas station.

 

It will get you out of the house and around adults. It will also give your husband some time with the kids and to do some of the work you do. And it will give you pocket change.

 

$2000 isn't a lot - it isn't insurmountable. For whatever reason, your disposable income is just a little short. I'm a bit worried that you weren't able to pay that down, that is a little under $200 a month you were spending.

 

My exH and I had a spending problem. He was the more costly of the two of us, but I was in the mix.

 

There's a whole bunch of psychology babble I could throw at you, but you have to look at the "why". Which can take a counselor a long time to get to, because they have to build a rapport before they can start confronting and getting to the why.

 

Why couldn't you wait to buy these purchases?

Why couldn't you discuss with your husband about buying these things?

Why did you keep doing it?

 

I don't need answers, but you might need to answer these questions to yourself.

 

Some people are always going to want more than they have. If you're a habitual collector (exH and I were, DVDs, CDs, books, clothes, household seasonal decor, etc) you have to reach the maturity stage where you're probably never going to have everything you want. I have five pairs of sneakers/tennis shoes/workout shoes. That doesn't mean if I go out to a mall scout online I won't find pair number 6. Do I need it? No. Do I think it's cute? Well, yes.

 

You're always going to be able to find things to buy. Whether for you, the house, the kids - stuff is out there. You need to work on waiting for it.

 

Oh - and ask your parents for a loan to pay off the card. If they charge interest, it will still be cheaper than what you're currently paying.

 

PS

1. Yard work

2. Painting

3. Boring white

4. Exercise

5. Exercise and really cool design

[Popsicle]

The only solution is to meet half way. He's going to have to give you some leeway in spending to buy yourself something here and there (even if it is on credit) and you're going to have to not spend so much and so often and pay some towards whatever thing he wants you to put that money towards.

[Simple Logic]

Hi,

I am at a loss what to do. I've been married for 7 years. 3 years ago we decided that it would make sense for me to stay home to raise our kids. Long story short the past two years I secretly used one of his credit cards to purchase stuff for myself and to buy other things for the house. I have full control of our bills so he never knew this card existed. Well, today he found out and he is so upset and angry. I perfectly understand his anger and confusion why I would do such a thing. (Credit card amount I used $2000)

 

I knew it was wrong using it. At the time I stated using it I had stopped working I felt guilty using the money in our account to do anything for myself. The Credit card gave me a false sense of security.

 

He says we can't get over this and will never be able to trust me with anything. Can someone please advice???

 

OMG. So for the last 24 months you really spent less than $20 a week on yourself and things for the house without telling your husband?

 

Tell your idiot husband you need a personal budget for your stuff.

Edited January 8, 2017 by Simple Logic

[Dolfin80]

How on earth can he have a credit card in his name and not know about the card. Did you forge his signature to get it?

[Simple Logic]

How on earth can he have a credit card in his name and not know about the card. Did you forge his signature to get it?

 

You really think one has to sign to get a credit card? You get get one quite easily online without signing anything.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Henneb, what is your husband's monthly take home? I don't need the answer but if it is more than adequate then the only reason your husband has to hold against you is the trust issue, which of course is a major problem. However, if his income is not adequate to cover your credit card bill easily then in addition to the trust issue is also the financial burden you have imposed on your husband. I am sure you would have standing monthly expenses which are more or less invariable. If, in addition you have mortgage payments and also car payments to make then it could all add up to a tidy sum. Your credit card bills may just be the proverbial straw on the camel's back!

 

What you do now will probably make all the difference as far as rebuilding trust is concerned. Firstly, you need to sit down with your husband and admit your wrongdoing in that you went behind his back to spend this money. You do not have to feel guilty about what you purchased but you can let him know that you made a mistake in not informing him before hand that you were going to buy these items. You can tell him that you need spending money of your own and he can put a certain amount into your personal account every month which you can spend on yourself. If he has anything to say then tell him you gave up working for the sake of the family and the work you do at home is, as somebody said, recompesible. You do not get paid for the work you do to keep the household up and running. Also, as Lady2163 said, you could get a part time job which would pay you pocket money which you could spend on yourself. Guess both of you will have to attend some MC sessions to get to grips with this problem. However, most importantly, your husband will have to be understanding in this regard for things to work out amicably for the two of you. Warm wishes.

[Simple Logic]

Hi Henneb, what is your husband's monthly take home? I don't need the answer but if it is more than adequate then the only reason your husband has to hold against you is the trust issue, which of course is a major problem. However, if his income is not adequate to cover your credit card bill easily then in addition to the trust issue is also the financial burden you have imposed on your husband. I am sure you would have standing monthly expenses which are more or less invariable. If, in addition you have mortgage payments and also car payments to make then it could all add up to a tidy sum. Your credit card bills may just be the proverbial straw on the camel's back!

 

What you do now will probably make all the difference as far as rebuilding trust is concerned. Firstly, you need to sit down with your husband and admit your wrongdoing in that you went behind his back to spend this money. You do not have to feel guilty about what you purchased but you can let him know that you made a mistake in not informing him before hand that you were going to buy these items. You can tell him that you need spending money of your own and he can put a certain amount into your personal account every month which you can spend on yourself. If he has anything to say then tell him you gave up working for the sake of the family and the work you do at home is, as somebody said, recompesible. You do not get paid for the work you do to keep the household up and running. Also, as Lady2163 said, you could get a part time job which would pay you pocket money which you could spend on yourself. Guess both of you will have to attend some MC sessions to get to grips with this problem. However, most importantly, your husband will have to be understanding in this regard for things to work out amicably for the two of you. Warm wishes.

 

Or they could go walking together, pick up cans along the road and sell the scrap. $20 a week is chump change no mater how tight your budget is and not worth fighting and going to MC over.

[Dolfin80]

You really think one has to sign to get a credit card? You get get one quite easily online without signing anything.

 

Yes in my country it's compulsory to sign the credit card application document

 

Your online method sounds dodgy as hell

Edited January 8, 2017 by Dolfin80

[Just a Guy]

Hi Simple logic, the OP has said she has spent $2000, on the credit card but she has not specifically said over what period of time. This could be just one month's bill as she may have been covering up the previous purchased because she controls the bills and pays them off. Her husband may have come across the bill for this amount and asked questions and found out that this has been going on for the last couple of years. This could be the reason he blew his top. I don't think he would be quite so unreasonable as to question her for a spending habit of only $20 a month. That would really be laughable. The other thing is that the OP has given us a figure of $2000 but she may have minimized the amount. Only she knows what she has actually spent. If it wasn't a serious enough matter I do not think she would have come on here to ask for advice on how to handle something like this. Maybe I'm wrong and it is something small blown completely out of proportion.

[Simple Logic]

Hi Simple logic, the OP has said she has spent $2000, on the credit card but she has not specifically said over what period of time. This could be just one month's bill as she may have been covering up the previous purchased because she controls the bills and pays them off. Her husband may have come across the bill for this amount and asked questions and found out that this has been going on for the last couple of years. This could be the reason he blew his top. I don't think he would be quite so unreasonable as to question her for a spending habit of only $20 a month. That would really be laughable. The other thing is that the OP has given us a figure of $2000 but she may have minimized the amount. Only she knows what she has actually spent. If it wasn't a serious enough matter I do not think she would have come on here to ask for advice on how to handle something like this. Maybe I'm wrong and it is something small blown completely out of proportion.

 

And she may not have stated how much beer the husband drinks, how much golf he plays, or how many Starbucks coffees he drinks a week that is not in the budget.

Edited January 8, 2017 by Simple Logic

[Just a Guy]

You could be right. However, the fact is that the OP has not returned in a while to post updates so I wonder what is happening as far as her situation is concerned.

[Lady Hamilton]

My husband's ex wife did the same thing, but with 5 digit debt over about a year. To say it was a disaster that was another nail in the coffin is the understatement of the century. It was a violation he never, ever got over. To take somebody else's credit card without their knowledge and use it? That's identity theft. So the fact that it'd be regarded as a break in trust the likes of which he has a hard time getting over?

 

Yeah, I see that. I get it.

 

If I were you, I'd cancel the card, contact a financial advisor through your bank, and set up a plan where you yourself pay back the debt. Saying "I know I had no excuse" but then handing him the bill makes it feel like you knew it was wrong, but you also know it's his problem to find/earn the money to cover it. And I'd accept that this is a breech for many on the level of an affair.

 

$2,000 (if it's not truthfully higher) over a 2 year period shows a pattern of bad spending and covering it up. It's hard to expect somebody to ignore that, especially when it impacts his credit, not yours. I bet he's even asking himself and you what else you're capable of lying about and hiding.

[Lady2163]

OMG. So for the last 24 months you really spent less than $20 a week on yourself and things for the house without telling your husband?

 

Tell your idiot husband you need a personal budget for your stuff.

 

As much as I get what you're saying, you have to realize that she was not paying down that $20 a week. Her minimum payment each month was probably $20-50 on a $2000 balance. She may have only been spending $20 extra a week, but that was $80 a month she just didn't have. Or, she spent roughly $80 a month over what she didn't have.

 

$2000 isn't awful, but I'm sure her husband is wondering what else she spent.

 

My guess is, she was probably spending roughly $150 a month. And prior to this, husband may have thought her needs were being met financially.

[xenawarriorprincess]

OMG. So for the last 24 months you really spent less than $20 a week on yourself and things for the house without telling your husband?

 

Tell your idiot husband you need a personal budget for your stuff.

 

The issue isn’t about the amount of money spent, it’s about dishonesty.

[TrustedthenBusted]

2 grand over three years? Tell him he's getting of cheap. And tell him THIS reaction of his is why you were afraid to spend money in the first place. It's YOUR money too.

[JamesM]

The issue isn’t about the amount of money spent, it’s about dishonesty.

 

Agree. This is not even about money they have. It is about money they do not have.

 

But having said that, he is overreacting.

 

As was said, the money is both of theirs. The credit card is theirs technically too. While she used it unwisely, it is not like she used HIS money and she needs permission to get something. But since it is "ours" they should be on the same page and communicate about purchases they BOTH make whether with money or credit.