Do you ever think about the beginning?

[Chica80]

Lately I've been thinking about the beginning. There are these little moments in time that stick out in my brain. Two years ago about this time I was celebrating MM engagement party. A couple of weeks or month later, not sure exact date, A started.

 

Knowing all I know now would I still make the same choices? I used to say without a doubt I would still make the same choice. Lately I'm not so sure. I do not miss my ex., I do not miss my M. I am in a much better place. Happier. But I miss my family. I miss having my family unit together. It hurts me to see my children having a hard time. It's affected relationships with friends.

 

I have learned a lot about myself, a lot about relationships. There are things that are unique to him, unique to us that will remain that way.

 

How to reconcile that. How to reconcile something you love, something that helped you grow learn.....with so much pain. It would seem they can't co-exist......but they do?

 

Looking for some introspective thoughts or sharing......none of the usual LS bull**** answers, thanks..... there are plenty of other threads for that

__________________

I don’t want there to be things you “love about me”, I want you to love “all of me

*

[Girlfromcali]

I don't think anything in my life have taught me as much as this experience. I have learned so much about myself and life. Yet is has been so painful, soul crushing, humiliating.

 

I have thought many times that it is the only thing in my life that I truly regret. I regret wasting those years, obsessing about ONE thing, forgetting real life.

 

However, if I hadn't experienced it, I wouldn't know things I know now. I would have no clue.

 

I also want to love him always. I don't want to hate him, he is as lost as I am.

[malvern99]

Is it possible to separate the lessons learned from the process of learning them? Could your journey of self discovery have taken a different path that would have led you to the same destination? I guess at the end of the day, the question is were those lessons learned worth the pain you endured? If the answer is yes, then maybe you come out ahead.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Lately I've been thinking about the beginning. There are these little moments in time that stick out in my brain. Two years ago about this time I was celebrating MM engagement party. A couple of weeks or month later, not sure exact date, A started.

 

Knowing all I know now would I still make the same choices? I used to say without a doubt I would still make the same choice. Lately I'm not so sure. I do not miss my ex., I do not miss my M. I am in a much better place. Happier. But I miss my family. I miss having my family unit together. It hurts me to see my children having a hard time. It's affected relationships with friends.

 

I have learned a lot about myself, a lot about relationships. There are things that are unique to him, unique to us that will remain that way.

 

How to reconcile that. How to reconcile something you love, something that helped you grow learn.....with so much pain. It would seem they can't co-exist......but they do?

 

Looking for some introspective thoughts or sharing......none of the usual LS bull**** answers, thanks..... there are plenty of other threads for that

__________________

I don’t want there to be things you “love about me”, I want you to love “all of me

*

 

Yes. I've spent a great deal of time on the beginning, trying to understand how this all came to pass. Unlike other posters, this was not my long lost love, this was a man I knew for years and had zero interest in. It's as if I was given some sort of drug. I look backwards and I find it amazing that it was me who did all that and try to wrap my mind around why I still think about someone so long gone.

 

For the life of me, I cannot remember how it came to pass that he texted me that he loved me - I know it was in May 15 - but I can't remember why he said it, we barely spoke, not friends. I just remember I did not see it for a while as I was not by my phone and he freaked out. I remember thinking it was cute but I was like, ok, that is odd. And I remember him starting to constantly text me all June and July, laying it on really thick, pleading with me to "let me walls down". And obviously in late August, I went out with him.

 

I've spent a lot of time on this mentally, and I think it was his total 180 after I finally slept with him which has me so hung up on all this for all these months. And that is another thing, how did I just sleep with this guy I have zero interest in...it was crazy. I felt a lot of pressure and I didn't want him to lose interest, he had built it up with me for so long, all the attention.

 

Honestly it never went back to that beginning stage, even the actual 5 month affair, it was not like the 3 months he spent grooming me. And I use the word grooming because I've learned a lot from this board, the men who post here. I see it now for what it was. A manipulation designed to obtain his objective, which was a long term affair.

 

But even though I know that intellectually, I am still stuck and for the life of me, I have no idea why.

 

Would I make the same choices? No. I still remember that night, we went out 2x in August and he really put the pressure on me the 2nd night to have sex. He made me feel guilty, like I owed it to him because he was in a sexless marriage and he showered me with attention. I was such a moron because it's not like I did it because I wanted to, I did it because I felt like I owed him. I felt guilt. Pressure. Immense pressure. He said if I didn't, he would get divorced and we could never see each other again as I'd be married and he'd be single. I had nothing else and felt I could not lose him so I did it. If I could go back in time, I'd go to that night and say, that's a shame. Sorry.

 

Instead I completely altered my life by letting guilt and fear control me.

[Lady2163]

The beginning still makes me smile.

 

I don't know what I would do if I had a chance to do it all again.

 

I learned a lot and I matured a lot in the last ten years.

 

I just don't know if I was ready for anything else during the seven years I was with him.

[Poppy47]

Hey Sunshine,

 

I do think about the beginning.

 

It makes me feel feel humiliated to realise how green and naive I was... freshly widowed out of a long and happy marriage.

 

I think the A was sent to prepare me for the rest of my life alone. I am now so very aware of people and always question their motives. I hope I have learned a very big lesson.

 

Does anybody remember "Never Smile at a Crocodile" from Peter Pan? I hope now I can recognise a crocodile,

 

Poppy.

[Rea]

I reflect back to the beginning of the A a lot. I can see now, how easy it is for people to up and leave their marriages/relationships for AP, turning so many lives upside down, including their own. It's such a giddy time, when ego's are being uber boosted. But it's a bubble, not that you can see that when you're 'in' it.

 

I have learnt so much from this experience. I have grown so much as a person. Would I make the same choices again? I'd like to say no, but if I'm honest, I think I would. But then ask me tomorrow and I'd probably say "No way!"

 

I have shared some fantastic times with xMM. I have also sunken low, but the whole experience has taught me so much. Maybe I feel this way because we haven't had a DDay and have parted amicably. I certainly don't hate him, I don't think I could ever feel anything other than love for him. I'll always wish him well.

 

Maybe I feel this was because I was a single OW. My long marriage was over.

I get what you are saying about missing the family unit though Subshine. Even though I have no doubt that the break up of my marriage was the right thing for both xH & I, as do our D's, I miss family, extended family and joint friends. I miss the get togethers etc. My relationships with so many people has changed since the split and since the A.

[spideywoman]

i vividly remember the beginning but hadn't thought about it until i read your post. i get mired in the good times and the subsequent pain, as you yourself are struggling with.

 

we're the sum of all parts. it's a de facto reconciliation inherently. i don't think it's possible to pick and choose what makes us, us. wrapping your head around it, however, is another thing

 

acceptance. it comes with time and with introspection. as another posted said, is it possible to separate them? and even if at the end of the day you (general) decide the pain isn't worth the lessons you learned, can you unlearn them? what happens then? either way i think you (general) come out ahead.

 

there's no point in beating a dead horse. we are who we are because of the decisions we make and can't turn back time for a do-over. the quicker THAT realization sets in, the faster reconciliation happens. dust yourself off and forge ahead type of thing.

 

that's what i keep telling myself.

[Chica80]

Hey Sunshine,

 

I do think about the beginning.

 

It makes me feel feel humiliated to realise how green and naive I was... freshly widowed out of a long and happy marriage.

 

I think the A was sent to prepare me for the rest of my life alone. I am now so very aware of people and always question their motives. I hope I have learned a very big lesson.

 

Does anybody remember "Never Smile at a Crocodile" from Peter Pan? I hope now I can recognise a crocodile,

 

Poppy.

 

 

Not naïve Poppy...vulnerable...

 

I feel the same. I questions others motives a lot...even my own???

[freengreen]

Gosh!..after 2 months nc i had this flash flash back just today and you put up this thread!... anyways was thinking about how exiting he was to know about me and how high I was with all the wooing. It was such drug, those days, it was Mar2015.....

 

Well after that I remembered how it ended just after 4 months from then and again the same thing Mar 2016... and it end again after 6 months...

Thus 2 doses of the same drug...

In the end I thought, 'well it was fab at first but still, I wished it never happened'

 

Well honestly at this point of time, I am only strong enuf to maintain NC if he dosnt come back but I do ask myself one question everytime I get weak

 

" Are you so stupid to go back into something you know is **** and welcome that pain again in your life"... my answer has been a no until now.

Edited January 8, 2017 by freengreen

[FoundMyStrength]

I think back to the beginning all the time. I think a lot of the reason the EA started was the unique work circumstances we were in. Thrown together in a work setting that was pretty much morning to bedtime, with his wife not being local and present. Having been NC for a few months, I now feel a lot of shame for what happened. We began as good friends, forgot to put up the boundaries, and by the time we realized it, we were both going 80mph on a slick and slippery road toward to the EA and, eventually, PA.

 

Mainly, I think of what I could have done differently, and hope that I'm able to recognize the danger signs when I'm thrown into a similar situation. For now, I think I'm just wary of all married men. It's funny, I never really used to look at a man's hand for a wedding ring. If it was a colleague, I'd chat and joke with them regardless of their marital status. I rarely flirted with colleagues because I've never been interested in an office romance. Now I'm always on the lookout for the ring, and for the potential of flirting. I'm a pretty "what you see is what you get" kind of person, so it's sad to have to put up an artificial barrier that says: "All married men, f*ck off."

 

But, given that I still dream of xMM (the latest being last night -- luckily one of the good dreams of us sitting and talking, and not the nightmares of him walking away), I think a little wariness is just what the doctor ordered.

[Midlifecrisis1]

I reflect back to the beginning of the A a lot. I can see now, how easy it is for people to up and leave their marriages/relationships for AP, turning so many lives upside down, including their own. It's such a giddy time, when ego's are being uber boosted. But it's a bubble, not that you can see that when you're 'in' it.

 

I have learnt so much from this experience. I have grown so much as a person. Would I make the same choices again? I'd like to say no, but if I'm honest, I think I would. But then ask me tomorrow and I'd probably say "No way!"

 

I have shared some fantastic times with xMM. I have also sunken low, but the whole experience has taught me so much. Maybe I feel this way because we haven't had a DDay and have parted amicably. I certainly don't hate him, I don't think I could ever feel anything other than love for him. I'll always wish him well.

 

Maybe I feel this was because I was a single OW. My long marriage was over.

I get what you are saying about missing the family unit though Subshine. Even though I have no doubt that the break up of my marriage was the right thing for both xH & I, as do our D's, I miss family, extended family and joint friends. I miss the get togethers etc. My relationships with so many people has changed since the split and since the A.

 

I feel the same although I am a Mow. I spend a lot of time thinking about how good our time together was and how we felt so connected. And I spend time thinking how sad it is that we barely wave to each other now.

 

The beginning was so exciting and filled with happiness and warmth and affection. He had a crush on me and flirted and I blushed and got all hot and bothered. I loved that feeling. And since our affair was only 4 months, the whole thing was like the beginning.

 

So, it's sad that I will never feel that again. But I really have only positive feelings towards him even though the pain of detaching was unbearable. I know it's for the best that we are each with our own families.

Edited January 8, 2017 by Midlifecrisis1

[MissG]

Constantly. I constantly think about the beginning and how awesome it was. Careless and wild and crazy and all the anticipation and all the gifts and all the fancy dinners. How we loved each other and how we couldn't wait to get together. And how we planned every step along the way.

 

I so miss these times. All We discuss now is either breaking up or how we should turn this into a legit relationship. I don't want a legit relationship. But I also don't want to break up. I want the good old times back and I want to feel the way I felt when we all started. Careless ...... in love. I know it's not real. And I know it's a fantasy. But that fantasy kept me alive and that fantasy was all I used to live for. Now it's all bland and boring and mundane.

[oceansaway]

I think back...and realize how much I was a idiot to get involved with a liar. But 5 years later I'm good and don't believe anything he says. The fog lifted years ago.

[Satu]

Amor Fati

 

 

"Amor fati is a Latin phrase that may be loosely translated as "love of fate" or "love of one's fate". It is used to describe an attitude in which one sees everything that happens in one's life, including suffering and loss, as good or, at the very least, necessary, in that they are among the facts of one's life and existence, so they are always necessarily there whether one likes them or not. Moreover, amor fati is characterized by an acceptance of the events or situations that occur in one's life. This acceptance does not necessarily preclude an attempt at change or improvement, but rather, it can be seen to be along the lines of what Nietzsche means by the concept of "eternal recurrence": a sense of contentment with one's life and an acceptance of it, such that one could live exactly the same life, in all its minute details, over and over for all eternity."

 

 

Non, je ne regrette rien

 

No, nothing at all,

No, I don't regret anything!

Neither the good that's been done to me,

Nor the bad;

It's all the same to me!

 

No, nothing at all,

No, I don't regret anything!

It's been payed for,

swept (away),

Forgotten.

I don't care about the past!

 

With my memories

I have lit the fire!

My disappointments, my pleasures,

I no longer need them.

Swept away are the loves

with their trembling,

swept away forever!

I start again at zero.

 

No, nothing at all,

No, I don't regret anything!

Neither the good that's been done to me,

Nor the bad;

It's all the same to me!

 

No, nothing at all,

No, I don't regret anything!

Because my life,

because my joy,

today

begins with you!

 

 

Take care.

[Adoraxx]

 

For the life of me, I cannot remember how it came to pass that he texted me that he loved me - I know it was in May 15 - but I can't remember why he said it, we barely spoke, not friends. I just remember I did not see it for a while as I was not by my phone and he freaked out. I remember thinking it was cute but I was like, ok, that is odd. And I remember him starting to constantly text me all June and July, laying it on really thick, pleading with me to "let me walls down". And obviously in late August, I went out with him.

I think about the beginning a lot too.... I wish I would have ran away as soon as he started to come on to me so strongly but I didn't and it brought me so much pain .

 

Midnight, I'm constantly amazed by the similarities!! In the beginning my xMM would freak out all the time too if I didn't see his texts right away, or if I didn't pick up the phone. One time he let the phone ring at least 20 times... and then again: another 20 times.... and this repeated itself at least 4 times!! I was SO irritated by that.... And then at the end of the day he hurried to my house - all in a frenzy because I had not picked up the phone. I also thought it was really odd that he kept calling me. In the beginning he used to send me lots of texts too...

 

 

And then this:

 

Would I make the same choices? No. I still remember that night, we went out 2x in August and he really put the pressure on me the 2nd night to have sex. He made me feel guilty, like I owed it to him because he was in a sexless marriage and he showered me with attention. I was such a moron because it's not like I did it because I wanted to, I did it because I felt like I owed him. I felt guilt. Pressure. Immense pressure. He said if I didn't, he would get divorced and we could never see each other again as I'd be married and he'd be single. I had nothing else and felt I could not lose him so I did it. If I could go back in time, I'd go to that night and say, that's a shame. Sorry.

 

Instead I completely altered my life by letting guilt and fear control me.

The whole A was a neverending mess of him putting pressure on me. And I've thought about this a lot; it all started maybe 1 day after we first kissed. Like your xMM, he made me feel guilty, like I OWED it to him to have sex with him because he had showered me with so much attention and because he kissed me. And he made it even worse by getting angry and this was actually the first time that he used his anger to manipulate me (he has done this many time over the years) and at the end you just don't know anymore what to do... the guilt and fear can be so tremendously strong that you forget about any other feelings.

 

I also wish I could go back in time and that I could tell him: "I don't owe you ANYTHING!!! You don't own me , you know!!"

 

Anyway, interesting that you mentioned these things!!

Edited January 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[cocorico]

 

Knowing all I know now would I still make the same choices?

 

We reflect often on our beginnings, and what we would have done differently. My H feels strongly that he should have dumped the BW much sooner, and that given a replay, he would simply not have taken her back after the first split, would have gotten the kids into decent counselling, etc. Though, it's possible then we may never have met....

 

But assuming we did meet, and he was still with her at that point, what would I have done differently - if anything? It's really hard to know. Back then I wasn't looking for anything serious, or full-time, or long-term. I had neither the time nor interest. My life was too full of other things and I'd probably have shrugged him off if he presented a serious R as a consideration back then. It was only later, once we'd fallen in love, once we had the track record of him showing he was serious, showing he could be trusted, showing he put me first, etc, that it was even a possibility that entered my mind.