Why wearing the ring after divorce?

[PeachBlossom]

We have been separated for 10 months, and divorced for 1 month. I gave up the marriage first, but it was my ex husband who initiated the divorce procedure (it took me by surprise).

 

Prior to divorce, he told me he would never date again if I leave him. He said I would be the last person for him. At the time, I though he might be just saying something sweet to get me stay. Now I am starting to wonder if he truly meant it.

 

He still wears his ring, as well as the ring I gave back to him. He is a pretty stubborn person. When he makes a decision, he is quite good at following through.

 

For me, I want us to get back together. We both did a lot of damage to the marriage, but this time round I am pretty confident we can work things out if he is willing, because this time I was able to see the mistakes I made. (I used to blame him for everything.)

 

I have asked him about getting back together, and he said no. He does not reply to my text messages much either. However, he is willing to spend time with children and me together, and willing to get to know me again.

 

His close family and friend also told me he said he is not at all interested in dating.

 

I wish I could know what he is thinking and why. Why would he want to stay single? Do some people actually honor the promises they made in a failed marriage? Anybody can give me some insight?

Edited January 8, 2017 by PeachBlossom

[Simple Logic]

We have been separated for 10 months, and divorced for 1 month. I gave up the marriage first, but it was my ex husband who initiated the divorce procedure (it took me by surprise).

 

Prior to divorce, he told me he would never date again if I leave him. He said I would be the last person for him. At the time, I though he might be just saying something sweet to get me stay. Now I am starting to wonder if he truly meant it.

 

He still wears his ring, as well as the ring I gave back to him. He is a pretty stubborn person. When he makes a decision, he is quite good at following through.

 

For me, I want us to get back together. We both did a lot of damage to the marriage, but this time round I am pretty confident we can work things out if he is willing, because this time I was able to see the mistakes I made. (I used to blame him for everything.)

 

I have asked him about getting back together, and he said no. He does not reply to my text messages much either. However, he is willing to spend time with children and me together, and willing to get to know me again.

 

His close family and friend also told me he said he is not at all interested in dating.

 

I wish I could know what he is thinking and why. Why would he want to stay single? Do some people actually honor the promises they made in a failed marriage? Anybody can give me some insight?

 

Many people who have survived an airplane crash will never get back in a plane again.

[basil67]

One of my friends is not interested in dating after her failed marriage. She's simply happy with her new life the way it is.

[Logo]

I wish I could know what he is thinking and why. Why would he want to stay single? Do some people actually honor the promises they made in a failed marriage? Anybody can give me some insight?

 

 

Scars and trauma. It's emotionally draining. Sometimes you just don't have the energy to go through the same experience again, or anytime soon.

 

Sometimes it takes longer than others. And sometimes you develop coping methods after every experience.

[benpom]

It's probably easier for you to find another person who is more receptive. But if you really think he is the one, bring out your patience and prepare to walk some hard road before you see the sunshine. If you really have changed, he will sense your changes through actions. Treat the relationship with him as a new relationship with baggage.

[sandylee1]

Why does he want to get to know you again if he's no intention of reconciling?

 

Perhaps the ring is to keep single (or married) women away from hitting on him.

 

I'd stop the family time to avoid getting your hopes up.

[PeachBlossom]

Why does he want to get to know you again if he's no intention of reconciling?

 

Perhaps the ring is to keep single (or married) women away from hitting on him.

 

I'd stop the family time to avoid getting your hopes up.

 

He is not the type of person who plays games, or who gives other people false hope.

 

My instinct is that he is partially in denial. He wants to work things out deep down in his heart, but he is not completely certain. So he says no, but still keeps the door open toward the possibility of reconciliation.

 

I know we can make things work, if he is willing. He trusts me to a great level, even though not at a complete level yet. But I think he will get there because I make myself a trustworthy person and I also try to communicate in time whenever there is misunderstanding. A problem is that he is not very good at communication. He wasn't, and he still isn't.

 

I think the biggest obstacle is not luck of trust, but the resentment he still holds against me. How do I address that? Bringing up the unpleasant memories seems like a mood killer, while not addressing the elephant in the room probably won't get us anywhere either.

[sandylee1]

What is he resentful about?

Why doesn't he trust you?

 

Did you cheat on him or something. ?

 

He may not be giving you false hope deliberately, but maybe you'd see a different reaction if you pulled back from family time with him.

[Cephalopod]

He is not the type of person who plays games, or who gives other people false hope.

 

My instinct is that he is partially in denial. He wants to work things out deep down in his heart, but he is not completely certain. So he says no, but still keeps the door open toward the possibility of reconciliation.

 

I know we can make things work, if he is willing. He trusts me to a great level, even though not at a complete level yet. But I think he will get there because I make myself a trustworthy person and I also try to communicate in time whenever there is misunderstanding. A problem is that he is not very good at communication. He wasn't, and he still isn't.

 

I think the biggest obstacle is not luck of trust, but the resentment he still holds against me. How do I address that? Bringing up the unpleasant memories seems like a mood killer, while not addressing the elephant in the room probably won't get us anywhere either.

 

Well, offhand I would say that the reason he won't get back together with you is because you burned him by telling him you wanted out of the marriage. He's hurt and he doesn't want you to hurt him anymore.

 

You need to give us more background as to why the marriage went south and why you were the first to check out. Too little information here for us to give you useful advice.

[Popsicle]

Well, at least he's a lot better than the divorced guys who want to date but never want get married again.

 

Given his state, you are probably the only woman he is open to spending time with, so all you can do is do it at his pace. See him with the kids for now and maybe in time he will let you see him without the kids.

[Popsicle]

I think the biggest obstacle is not luck of trust, but the resentment he still holds against me. How do I address that?

 

Actions. Be a better person than you were while you were married. Let him see it in your consistent actions.

[PeachBlossom]

What is he resentful about?

Why doesn't he trust you?

 

Did you cheat on him or something. ?

 

He did not cheat, but he did something quite inconsiderate which had another woman involved. And he lied about things about her. He lied multiple times. (By the way, he is not a pathological lair. He is honest in general. He does not lie for the purpose of manipulation. He lied to avoid serious conflict.)

 

I slapped him. I called him names. I told him I never loved him, which is not the truth. He did not believe it either. But no doubt it hurt him a lot.

 

When we were dating, he was 'head over heels' for me (according to his friends). For me, I was generally happy, although I always felt something was missing in our relationship. Looking back, I realized the main reason was that I did not feel good about myself, so I did not feel comfortable opening up to him. Another thing is that he is not very outgoing, so most of our outings were arranged by me. Over time, I started to feel I was the only one putting in effort.

 

We both had out-of-proportion reactions right before we divorced, because both of us were holding resentment against each other for years over little things. We both were terrible at communication.

 

I could see how our upbringings manifested in us. He was a victim of bullying, and his parents always avoided talking about it or offering help. So he developed the coping mechanism of being silent and avoiding conflicts at all costs. For me, my parents put down everything about me. Home was a place for me to be constantly yelled at and ridiculed. I am in my 30s, and I only recently learned that this is not a typical family environment. My parents have a very unhappy marriage, and they also have the ideology that destroying my self-esteem is a way to make me work harder and sabotaging my social skills is the way to get me focused on career. I only recently started believing that I am a worthy person, just like most people around me.

 

We both had some serious self-esteem issues. I went to a few therapists and read tons of self-help literature. I have also been offering the resources I find helpful to him. He does not reject them, although he does not seem to be receptive either. I guess we need a lot of time, and definitely some luck too.

Edited January 9, 2017 by PeachBlossom

[Marc878]

We have been separated for 10 months, and divorced for 1 month. I gave up the marriage first, but it was my ex husband who initiated the divorce procedure (it took me by surprise).

 

Prior to divorce, he told me he would never date again if I leave him. He said I would be the last person for him. At the time, I though he might be just saying something sweet to get me stay. Now I am starting to wonder if he truly meant it.

 

He still wears his ring, as well as the ring I gave back to him. He is a pretty stubborn person. When he makes a decision, he is quite good at following through.

 

For me, I want us to get back together. We both did a lot of damage to the marriage, but this time round I am pretty confident we can work things out if he is willing, because this time I was able to see the mistakes I made. (I used to blame him for everything.)

 

I have asked him about getting back together, and he said no. He does not reply to my text messages much either. However, he is willing to spend time with children and me together, and willing to get to know me again.

 

His close family and friend also told me he said he is not at all interested in dating.

 

I wish I could know what he is thinking and why. Why would he want to stay single? Do some people actually honor the promises they made in a failed marriage? Anybody can give me some insight?

 

Sounds like he is detaching himself from you. Read up on the 180. Once you are detached you'll both move on. It may take awhile bit it will happen.