I don't think my daughter is mine

[VicHri]

I have been married to my wife for 5 years (together 10 in total) and we have a 8 year old son, 6 year old son and 3 year old daughter together. For a long time I have had a terrible feeling that my daughter is not mine, biologically. She is still my daughter. The biggest part of my suspicion comes from her physical looks and resemblance to my wife's ex. I know that you cannot judge paternity based on physical appearance, but there is no resemblance at all between me, or my wife and our daughter.

 

I have black hair and brown eyes and my wife has blonde-brown hair with subtle dark red streaks and green eyes. There is no full red hair in the family, though both of our dads have very dark blue eyes. Both of our sons have brown hair and green/brown hazel eyes. Our daughter has red hair and ice blue eyes.

 

My wife says that our daughter gets her red hair from her side of the family, because she has some dark red streaks in her hair, as does her mom. And that her blue eyes come from both of our dads having blue eyes. They may be blue, but they are nothing alike (very dark blue vs ice blue).

 

My wife's ex on the other hand, has light red hair and ice blue eyes.

 

She was with her ex through high school and for a couple years after and they went through some really rough patches together. He lost both of his parents and she was there through all of it for him. She was raped and he was there for her through that. He sat up with her all night so she could sleep, for months. They had a child together, who was placed for adoption because they were too young. It is an open adoption so they visit the child 1-2x a year together and get pictures at other times throughout the year. For the record, that child has red hair and ice blue eyes. They only broke up because he joined the military and he didn't want her to live that lifestyle. She waited around for a long time for him to change his mind. They kept in touch, my wife said it was because the shared a child together and I wanted to believe that. They have gone through brief periods of talking more or less, though they don't see each other (outside of child visits) because he lives on a base 6 hours away in the middle of nowhere. My wife always avoided talking about their relationship as much as possible. She said it was too uncomfortable to talk about it. When we started dating, he stopped talking to her for almost a year, so there are (or where) still feelings there.

 

I was under the impression that they only talked here and there, general chit chat to remain friendly and to talk about visiting their daughter. I recently learned that (recently) they have been talking daily, and late at night. She didn't delete the conversations, didn't hide them and let me read them. He lives 6 hours away, and she has never had the time to drive up there but it could be possible for him to drive here.

 

Do I have reason to request a DNA test? Or am I being stupid and insecure?

[Simple Logic]

I have been married to my wife for 5 years (together 10 in total) and we have a 8 year old son, 6 year old son and 3 year old daughter together. For a long time I have had a terrible feeling that my daughter is not mine, biologically. She is still my daughter. The biggest part of my suspicion comes from her physical looks and resemblance to my wife's ex. I know that you cannot judge paternity based on physical appearance, but there is no resemblance at all between me, or my wife and our daughter.

 

I have black hair and brown eyes and my wife has blonde-brown hair with subtle dark red streaks and green eyes. There is no full red hair in the family, though both of our dads have very dark blue eyes. Both of our sons have brown hair and green/brown hazel eyes. Our daughter has red hair and ice blue eyes.

 

My wife says that our daughter gets her red hair from her side of the family, because she has some dark red streaks in her hair, as does her mom. And that her blue eyes come from both of our dads having blue eyes. They may be blue, but they are nothing alike (very dark blue vs ice blue).

 

My wife's ex on the other hand, has light red hair and ice blue eyes.

 

She was with her ex through high school and for a couple years after and they went through some really rough patches together. He lost both of his parents and she was there through all of it for him. She was raped and he was there for her through that. He sat up with her all night so she could sleep, for months. They had a child together, who was placed for adoption because they were too young. It is an open adoption so they visit the child 1-2x a year together and get pictures at other times throughout the year. For the record, that child has red hair and ice blue eyes. They only broke up because he joined the military and he didn't want her to live that lifestyle. She waited around for a long time for him to change his mind. They kept in touch, my wife said it was because the shared a child together and I wanted to believe that. They have gone through brief periods of talking more or less, though they don't see each other (outside of child visits) because he lives on a base 6 hours away in the middle of nowhere. My wife always avoided talking about their relationship as much as possible. She said it was too uncomfortable to talk about it. When we started dating, he stopped talking to her for almost a year, so there are (or where) still feelings there.

 

I was under the impression that they only talked here and there, general chit chat to remain friendly and to talk about visiting their daughter. I recently learned that (recently) they have been talking daily, and late at night. She didn't delete the conversations, didn't hide them and let me read them. He lives 6 hours away, and she has never had the time to drive up there but it could be possible for him to drive here.

 

Do I have reason to request a DNA test? Or am I being stupid and insecure?

 

The ex and your wife have a strong connection with one known common child that was adopted. The next time they schedule a trip to see the adopted child, I would be interested in your wifes reaction to leaving the 3 year old at home with you. If she strongly objects, get the DNA test.

[Poutrew]

You don't need to 'request' anything. They have tests where you just swab the inside of the kids cheek with a Q-tip while they are sleeping and send it in for a full on DNA test. They can even tell you the ethnicity of the parents... Just do it. For your own peace of mind... then, if needs be, you can have a little talkey with the wifey...

[sandylee1]

It's easy to do a paternity test., without yoyr wife knowing. Just Google it.

[ShatteredLady]

Firstly, I completely agree with having a paternity test done. When something like this is in your head it's not going to just go away. She's your daughter & you love her just the same but concerns have a way of festering & polluting everything.

 

If both of your fathers have blue eyes, you both have blue recessive genes. Eye color can & does change over time. My fathers family side start with dark brown eyes that slowly turn green (about 75%) in my family. Light blue eyes can get darker with age.

 

Black hair + blonde hair often = red head kids. I know this because it was a running joke with my Mum's best friend from school (very blonde). She joked when she was about 14 that she wouldn't want red haired boys. She had triplets!! All boys. All red haired. Her husband has black hair!

 

Appearance is so hard to judge by. Caucasian couples can have black skinned children. It happens. My son looks just like me. My daughter looks nothing like either of us but she resembles my Mum as a child.

 

Only a DNA test will put your mind to rest. Prepare yourself for the results!! You love your daughter. It's not her fault if your wife committed adultery. It will have intense ramifications for your marriage.

[Ophelia27]

Can you do the math? Like, your daughter is 3 years old. Her birthday and then minus 9 months. Where was your wife then? Was she visiting the child she gave up for adoption around that date? I dont know their visits are usually on the same dates or around the same dates though. Three, almost four years ago would be hard to remember otherwise. But maybe you could find some dated pictures from back then?

 

Other than that, he could have driven the 6 hours while on leave or something. It sounds pretty suspicious with your daughter looking like him and resembling the baby your wife and ex gave up.

[mikeylo]

Don't torture yourself till you get the test done.

[VicHri]

The child that my wife and her ex had together is a teenager now. Soon she will be going to college and the visits will change. There may not be a need for my wife and her ex to remain in contact as much as they are now. I know that my wife still hurts over the decision to place her daughter for adoption, and that is something that she has dealt with by leaning on her ex. I have tried to let them have that space because it is something very personal between them. It didn't feel like they were crossing boundaries and I've remained in contact with a couple of my ex's. I don't believe that you need to cut all ties, as long as there are no feelings there anymore.

 

Depending on the scenario and our kids age they have all gone with her at one point or another. Our daughter has definitely gone more, though. Our boys are in school and don't have much of an interest in seeing their half-sister. Our daughter likes going and seems to talk about her sister (half or full...) a lot. I don't know if that's because she is a girl or maybe my wife talks to her about her sister more.

 

My wife has sent her ex pictures of our daughter, weekly. I have asked her about it and she said they are just cute pictures. When I look up pictures of my wife's daughter and then look at our daughter, there is a huge similarity. Some pictures could pass as the same child. I try and tell myself that they have the same mom and get their looks from there but I'm kidding myself. Her ex has seen the pictures of our daughter, he has to either know or have suspicions.

 

I don't know why I didn't think of doing a home DNA test. I just looked it up and I found a website that I can order one from and have expedited results in 3 days after sending back the swabs. I don't live in the US and I'm not sure if it's done differently here or not. I was under the assumption that I would need my wife's permission, but that doesn't appear to be the case. The results are more accurate with her DNA sample, though. It claims to be 99.99% accurate so hopefully I can trust it.

 

I feel guilty going behind my wife's back and doing this. It makes me feel terrible for doubting my wife and my daughter. If that is my biological daughter I don't want my wife to know I didn't trust her. I don't want my daughter to ever think I wouldn't want her because I'm not her father. Even if the results come back that I'm not her father, I'm still her dad... That's my daughter and I'd love her the same. I don't know if I could ever trust my wife again or stay married to her. Part of me fears what will happen if I learn that I'm not her biological father. I don't want to lose my daughter. If we divorce I could very well never see her again if my wife's ex decides to step up to that role. I feel like I'd need to have our two sons tested as well.

 

That is true about eye color changing over time. My wife had blue eyes until she was in high school then they changed to green. I'm not sure how light our dads eyes were as kids, but if blue does get darker than it's possible she has their eyes.

 

It was harder getting pregnant with our daughter than our sons. With both of our boys (and 2 miscarriages we had) my wife got pregnant on the 3rd month of trying. Our daughter took almost 3 years. Sometimes I wonder if my wife went on birth control and lied about it. I used a conception calculator to get more accurate. It said my daughter would have been conceived around December 22 - December 30. I can't remember that far back but my wife and her ex do always go to visit their daughter close to Christmas. That was the year the adoptive parents moved across the country so my wife and her ex stayed in a hotel (different rooms) for 2, 3 or 4 days, I can't remember. They usually go before Christmas though, not after. Who knows, nothing but a DNA test will tell me...

 

I'm going to order the test. In the mean time I'm trying not to think about it but it's difficult.

[startingagain15]

I agree about doing the DNA test, and not letting our wife know unless the results come back badly. I have done DNA testing for genealogy purposes and it's very reliable. In fact I found an unknown half-aunt who my grandpa had with an OW and put up for adoption, through the DNA tests I had done.

 

I hope everything comes back fine, but the peace of mind is something you need to have. The whole situation sounds a little odd to me.

[BettyDraper]

Just do the DNA test to put your mind at ease. There's nothing wrong with protecting yourself when you're concerned about a deception of that magnitude. At least you'll know for sure either way.

[VicHri]

I feel like I've completely ignored so many signs that something was wrong. This could have come to light long ago, maybe before our daughter was even born. I put so much trust into my wife knowing that I'd never hurt her. There are so many things that I tried to ignore or think positively about. Maybe I'm stupid, maybe she is a good liar, I don't know.

 

I still hope that I'm wrong and she is my biological daughter. To be honest, if the results come back that she isn't I don't know what I will do. I don't know if I can bury that information and move on with our marriage. If it was a one time fling, maybe, but I have doubts that would be the case and she still lied about something huge. There is no way she doesn't know... If she is continuously seeing her ex, I can't be ok with that.

 

If it turns out my daughter is mine biologically, is it even possible to make this marriage work? Obviously we have problems if I'm even thinking about this...

 

With express testing I can have answers by the end of the week...

[oldshirt]

 

My wife has sent her ex pictures of our daughter, weekly. I have asked her about it and she said they are just cute pictures.

 

That is beyond creepy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-O

 

What kind of person sends pictures of their children to an ex???????????

(Oh that's right, the ones they share a child with)

 

Answer this - does she send him pictures of your other children? Of the dog? Of the cat?

 

As far as I am concerned, that is your paternity test right there.

[anika99]

I agree with the DNA test just to put your mind at ease but also want to say don't put too much stock into eye colour or hair colour. My youngest son was born with very blond (almost white) hair and very light clear blue eyes and he stayed that way until he was about 5. He didn't resemble either his father or myself and if I hadn't seen him the very second I gave birth to him I would have thought they switched my baby,lol. Then both his hair colour and eye colour ever so slowly started to change but not before he was about six years old and it was very gradual. By the time he was a teenager his hair had turned as dark as mine and his eyes had become a dark green.

[oldshirt]

Now if you decide to confirm paternity with a DNA test, you will have to be able to address a number of moral, ethical and legal questions.

 

What will you do with that information? Will you divorce your wife? Will she divorce you? If you don't divorce, how will you view her and how will you treat her?

 

How will you view and treat your daughter?

 

 

Will the bio father want parental rights?

 

How will your parents and family view and treat your wife and daughter? Will they lavish your bio children on birthdays and Christmas and send your 'other' daughter a $10 gift card to Walmart?

 

Will the bio father's parents want grandparental rights?

 

Will you seek child support or other legal action against the bio father?

 

In most jurisdictions, since your daughter has lived as part of an established family in the marital home, the courts will require you to continue to support her in the event of a divorce even if it is shown that you are not the father. Will you be able to live with that?

 

These are just some of the other considerations you will need to face if you go through with the test.

 

I am not telling you not to do it. I am just saying these are the questions you will have to address.

[oldshirt]

I feel like I've completely ignored so many signs that something was wrong. This could have come to light long ago, maybe before our daughter was even born. I put so much trust into my wife knowing that I'd never hurt her. There are so many things that I tried to ignore or think positively about. Maybe I'm stupid, maybe she is a good liar, I don't know.

 

 

Your wife has been living a double life with another family right under your nose.

 

This isn't even an affair or a fling or a hook up. This is a double life and an alternate family.

 

You need to get a real good family law attorney ASAP to determine what your rights and responsibilities are in this situation.

[oldshirt]

You have lived with your head in the sand and have chosen to ignore the realities because looking the other way has afforded you to carry on as a normal dude and family and do your own thing.

 

The reason you are torn by this is once you have the results in your hand, you will have to make decisions and deal with that knowledge.

[whichwayisup]

Red hair has to be on BOTH sides to have a redheaded child. You say you don't have that gene in your family and her ex is a redhead. Sorry knowing that and the fact she's sending him pictures is a huge red flag.

 

I hope you find out the truth.

[VicHri]

I've tried to defend the picture sending by saying she's home all day and takes a lot pictures. Our boys are in school so most of the day it's just my wife and daughter. Our daughter has a very similar resemblance to their daughter that they placed for adoption and it's almost like a 'do-over'. So many times I've seen her ex respond with "She looks so much like (their daughter they placed for adoption)".

 

Realistically, there is no reason for her to be sending him picture of our daughter. Especially so often, and she doesn't send pictures of our sons or other things, unless our daughter is in them. I've sent funny pictures or videos to some of my friends, and one of my ex's who I'm friends with, however they are few and far between. A handful at most.

 

 

 

I think this is part of the reason I have been ignoring the signs and postponing a DNA test. There is so much riding on this information and I really don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know if I will want to leave my wife, and that makes me want to say 'F' it and leave this in the past. Maybe if I knew for sure it was a one time thing, but that's highly unlikely.

 

In the country I live in, legally a DNA test that is ordered online and done in your home means nothing. It cannot be used in court whatsoever. I have looked into it and there would be no legal ramifications for me doing the test and keeping the information to myself.

 

Right now, and I'm sure this will change when I have the final results, I feel like I'd want to try and work our marriage out IF she was no longer seeing him and she would stop all contact with him. If she is still seeing him or won't cooperate and work with me then I think we'd have to divorce.

 

Regardless of DNA, that is my daughter and I would treat her the same. I know my family would treat her the same as well. It will be extremely hard if I lose her through divorce. If I'm not her biological father I don't have the right to legally see her if my wife wants to keep her from me. She is young enough that she probably wouldn't even remember be being her father. Here, if her biological father is ready and able to step up, provide and be her father he will get the rights to her and mine will be erased.

 

If my wife's ex is my daughters biological father, I'm sure he knows about it. He has done nothing about it up to this point. If he really wanted to be a dad to her, he would have taken this to court long ago. He isn't married, mid 30's. I don't think he wants to be a dad. If we divorced though maybe they would get back together. If they really wanted to be together my wife would have left already, I'd think.

[Satu]

Do I have reason to request a DNA test? Or am I being stupid and insecure?

 

Yes, you have a reason, and no, you're not being stupid or insecure.

 

Once you have those results, you'll be able to see which path is open before you.

 

Things will work out for the best.

 

Trust in your own best judgment.

 

 

Take care.

[ShatteredLady]

PLEASE don't jump to any conclusions. I KNOW that it's completely incorrect information to say that it takes 2 red-heads to make a red-haired child. You can research this.

 

I don't think that anyone can go as far as posting their concerns on a forum & then just forget about it. This is clearly causing you worry & stress. If you're wrong I'd still share this with your wife...with a sincere apology. Whatever, it will effect your bond as a married couple. It already has. Honesty is the only way to eventually fix this.

 

Take it one step at a time. There's no point in stressing over milk that hasn't even spilt yet (easier said than done I know!). Get the test. Wait for the results. Have the conversation with your wife. THEN you can take time to decide what you can & cant live with. We often think we know what we will do in a certain situation but until you're living it you can't ever be certain.

 

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. No-one here can possibly know the truth. You seem like a very loving father & husband. Clear your mind. Get the answer. Whatever the truth is, marriages have survived worse & ended over less. I wish the best for you.

[whichwayisup]

IF he is the father and knows, doing a DNA test to confirm, maybe you can get him to sign his parental rights to you legally. Doesn't mean you have to leave your wife, but you two should do counseling together.

[VicHri]

I know that I don't have to be a redhead to have a child with red hair, but I do need to carry the 'r' gene. My dad's side is from Italy, there isn't a red hair gene there. My mom's side is half Native American (so again, not a red hair gene) and half Danish. We all made the assumption that I must be carrying the 'r' gene from someone on my mom's side of the family. No one in the family knew of a redhead ever, but it could have theoretically been passed down long enough.

 

I'm hoping that against the odds we did have a daughter with red hair. Trying to find the balance between being realistic and being optimistic is challenging. I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst outcome so that if it happens maybe it won't be so much as a shock.

 

Honestly, I don't look at my wife the same anymore and that makes me feel terrible because I have no proof that she's done anything to deserve that. She has noticed that I'm acting differently towards her and is unsure why. I have found myself on her ex's Facebook comparing pictures of my daughter to him and his family, more times than I'd care to admit.

 

I wonder about that, if her ex would sign over his rights if he's the biological father. Part of me thinks "well he gave away one kid what's another" and that's a horrible thing to think. Adoption was the right decision for them at the time, 15 year olds have no place raising children. He has never tried to be involved with our daughter, that I know of. My wife sends him pictures all the time and maybe that's an agreement they made for him to stay out of it. Just enough to cure his curiosity. Or maybe he doesn't want to be involved and my wife is trying to convince him to be.

 

It is correct that even if the test shows that she is my daughter I'm going to have to talk to my wife. There is a reason I felt so unsure and we need to work on that. For the rest of the week I just have to try not to think about it. For all I know that is my daughter and I'm totally wrong about this.

[Cephalopod]

Tell your wife a fib. Announce to your wife that you heard about this cool company called Ancestry.com, and that you have ordered testing kits for the whole family to see what the family's genetic profile looks like.

 

If you get push-back from your wife, then you know something is up.

[Mr. Lucky]

Tell your wife a fib. Announce to your wife that you heard about this cool company called Ancestry.com, and that you have ordered testing kits for the whole family to see what the family's genetic profile looks like.

 

If you get push-back from your wife, then you know something is up.

 

Lots of different points of view.

 

I personally wouldn't employ any ruse or resort to any manipulation. I also, as has been advised, wouldn't jump to conclusions.

 

Knowledge is power, never more so than in your case. Find out first...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ShatteredLady]

I could forgive my husband sneaking a paternity test in this situation (I'd be very hurt) BUT if he also layered on the 'fibs' I'd consider our relationship even more damaged.

 

There's a lot of love here. It's an awful situation that needs to be resolved but the OP needs to consider all of the possible ramifications. Innocent until proven otherwise. He doesn't want to destroy his family over a suspicion that could be unfounded.

 

I sincerely hope that his little girl is biologically his. He's already her father & that bond should be respected.