I don't think my daughter is mine

[ShatteredLady]

VicHri - "My wife has noticed that I have been acting a little differently towards her, and I can't help it right now. I have tried to act as I normally do but I am not winning any Oscars. She has been upset lately because she knows something is wrong and I haven't talked to her about it. She hasn't acted guilty or suspicious, just concerned and confused. We are normally very open with each other.

 

I'm not looking for a reason to leave, get divorced or walk away from my family. Even with the result, I don't know if I would do that. I love my family and the life that we have created together."

 

 

I for one agree with pretty much everything you have said on this thread. You present yourself as a very loving husband & father. I wish nothing but the best for you.

 

Please remember that some members have been deeply hurt in the past & the odd one, well I'm not sure what the female loathing is really about. Please don't let strong, negative views color your life. I WOULD discuss this with your wife this weekend after receiving the results. Open, honest communication is a must in marriage. Secrets & lies only eat away at the foundation of a relationship.

 

I wish nothing but the best for you & no doubt that you will deal with Friday's results in an honorable way.

[Whitestar]

Even if the DNA test confirms the OP as the girls father that doesn't get around the fact that W has been in very close contact with the OM including sending him photographs of the girl. At a minimum it suggests an EA.

[fireflywy]

I think your doubts are reasonable, OP, and I am glad you took some action to find out the truth.

 

If I may, even if she is your daughter (which I really hope is the case), I think you should re-negotiate the terms of your wife's interaction with her ex. It seems very unhealthy to me.

 

This is a good idea. There is WAY too much interaction going on here it sounds like.

 

Best of luck to you

Edited January 10, 2017 by fireflywy

[sandylee1]

OP,

 

This thread is very close to my heart.

 

My husband did a DNA test on one of our children without my knowledge. Without going into all the detail on here, I'm glad his mind is at rest, because he would forever be wondering if it was his child and if he treated that child in a certain way, I'd be wondering if it was because of his suspicions.

 

In our case he expressed his doubt during the pregnancy. I can tell you that if this child is yours and your wife finds out you did a DNA test, she will be extremely hurt.

 

I went through a whole range of emotions and one included wanting to leave him. The very knowledge that you do the test can be enough to end your marriage, because the lack of trusting your wife to that level is really hurtful.

 

Sometimes I wish I didn't know he did it, but on the other hand, knowing there was never a doubt it was his, I'm glad he knows 100% or 99.999% that there's no doubt and I would never pin a child on a man like that.

[VicHri]

Regardless of the results, I think I do need to talk to my wife about her relationship with her ex. Obviously it is making me uncomfortable at this point and a change needs to be made. I don't like telling my wife what she can and can't do or who she can and can't talk to, but I'm unhappy with this for a reason and I don't think it's totally unjustified.

 

I know that she has to have some contact with her ex, because they do have a child together. The contact does not need to be nearly as much as a couple that is raising their child. They see the child 1-2x a year, and that will likely change now that she is going to university in the fall. I don't expect my wife to cease all contact with him, just to take a step back. They have been through a lot together and I know there are times when my wife has leaned on him a little bit more than me. I don't necessarily like it, but given the situation I understand it. If my wife has be unfaithful then I do think things will have to change more than if she has been faithful.

 

If the results come back that she is my biological daughter, I don't know if I will tell my wife I did the test. I don't want to hurt my wife. I will still talk to her about my other concerns, but unless necessary I don't think she needs to know this. I don't like keeping secrets from her so it would be hard but I don't want to hurt her just to get it off my chest. Telling her I did a DNA test on our daughter feels like an ultimate betrayal.

 

I appreciate everyones help and opinions. I hope when the results come in that I can deal with them in the right way.

[anna121]

While I normally think that honesty is best, I agree that if she is your biological daughter you should not tell your wife. It will only muddy the waters concerning the true source of your worries, namely, the continued cxn with her ex.

 

Men are at a natural and irremediable disadvantage with respect to paternity questions. Sometimes these things have to be done. Unfortunately.

[usa1ah]

I am going to disagree with one thing. There was never a reason to visit her daughter with her ex. They could have gone at different times. You allowed a close relationship your wife has to continue. Talking daily is a relationship not a casual friendship continued because of a child they have between them.

 

One thing you might do. Go back 9 months from your daughters birth. Does it fall during a time that they visited their daughter. Or a time wher she was visiting friends over night. If you can remember the events around that time it might put your mind at ease.

[ASG]

I am going to disagree with one thing. There was never a reason to visit her daughter with her ex. They could have gone at different times. You allowed a close relationship your wife has to continue. Talking daily is a relationship not a casual friendship continued because of a child they have between them.

 

One thing you might do. Go back 9 months from your daughters birth. Does it fall during a time that they visited their daughter. Or a time wher she was visiting friends over night. If you can remember the events around that time it might put your mind at ease.

 

OP has already answered this. Wife got pregnant around Christmas time. OP doesn't remember if wife went away or not during that time. Usually she and the ex would go see the daughter before Christmas, but the dates are mostly after Christmas. So this is inconclusive...

[Popsicle]

I suppose that is true. If I thought this was how our lives would look 5 years down the line I wouldn't have married her. Maybe I don't know her as well as I thought I did. That's something I'll have to wait and see on.

 

 

 

I'm sorry, I'm not quite sure if I understand your post correctly. Why would I wonder if my daughter is biologically mine? My daughter deserves to know the truth, that's more important than my knowledge. I need to know if my wife is actively seeing her ex or has cheated in the past.

 

Trust me, I don't want to (trying to remember English idioms) 'stir the pot'. I love my wife and no part of me wants a divorce. The divorce rate here is 30-40%, depending on the area, and that's not something I have ever wanted to contribute to. My wife and I have been very happy. If I had no concerns about my daughter and my wife's ex, divorce wouldn't even be on my mind.

 

This wasn't an easy decision. I was able to do the DNA test today and sent it back in. I paid extra to have the results sooner, so I should know by Friday. I didn't make this decision to cause drama in my life, that is the last thing that I want.

 

I don't want to sit in the dark for years and have this come out later in a worse way. If I know the information first then I can control what I do with it. I don't want to come straight out and ask my wife "is our daughter mine", because that is going to hurt her terribly if she is my daughter. It's not worth the hurt when I can find my answer discreetly. If that is my biological daughter than I put this to rest and my wife doesn't have to know I had doubts.

 

My wife has noticed that I have been acting a little differently towards her, and I can't help it right now. I have tried to act as I normally do but I am not winning any Oscars. She has been upset lately because she knows something is wrong and I haven't talked to her about it. She hasn't acted guilty or suspicious, just concerned and confused. We are normally very open with each other.

 

I'm not looking for a reason to leave, get divorced or walk away from my family. Even with the result, I don't know if I would do that. I love my family and the life that we have created together.

 

 

I just think it's pointless if you don't want to divorce no matter what. Your daughter does not "need" to know "the truth". She is happy with your both, let her be happy. And once this comes back saying that she is yours, don't think for a second that your wife won't be mad at you forever. Even still, if the test comes back showing daughter is your, that is no guarantee that your wife is not cheating. All you're going to do is create resentment in your marriage from your wife for insulting her like this.

[sandylee1]

Don't tell her about the DNA test if your daughter is yours. Had I not known my husband had doubts and found out, I would very likely have left him.

 

When I found out, I asked for views from other men and they all said that a man would never go as far as doing a paternity test, unless he had serious doubts. That it wasn't something to do for the sake of it, considering the anxiety with waiting for the results.

 

That my husband would think I was capable of doing that was really difficult to get through, but many many women do it, so if I was a man I'd want to know the truth and would do what you're doing.

 

Your wife and her Ex have more than a coparenting relationship, especially considering they aren't actually raising their daughter.

 

I hope the results go your way and if they do, shred the results forever.

[Popsicle]

Don't tell her about the DNA test if your daughter is yours. Had I not known my husband had doubts and found out, I would very likely have left him.

 

When I found out, I asked for views from other men and they all said that a man would never go as far as doing a paternity test, unless he had serious doubts. That it wasn't something to do for the sake of it, considering the anxiety with waiting for the results.

 

That my husband would think I was capable of doing that was really difficult to get through, but many many women do it, so if I was a man I'd want to know the truth and would do what you're doing.

 

Your wife and her Ex have more than a coparenting relationship, especially considering they aren't actually raising their daughter.

 

I hope the results go your way and if they do, shred the results forever.

 

The bottom line is, if I was sleeping with other men besides H during our relationship, then I would be more understanding and cooperative and go along with it. But if I wasn't and he thought I was? Well he can go find someone else to torture.

Edited January 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[road]

If my husband insisted on a DNA test of our children, I would give him his f-ing test, and then when it came back his, I would punish him for the rest of our time together until it got so bad that we would have to divorce anyway.

 

Pop, with you as the wife even if you are half as good looking as the actress in your avatar there is only so much a man/husband can handle. The OP's wife has raised many red flags. Red flags have always been a good indicator there being an affair.

 

 

If this was my wife I would be needing a paternity test. OP if the child is yours do not tell wife or daughter about the test. If the OM is the dad then if you decide to tell the WW you must tell your daughter. Whether you divorce or not.

[road]

The bottom line is, if I was sleeping with other men besides H during our relationship, then I would be more understanding and cooperative and go along with it. But if I wasn't and he thought I was? Well he can go find someone else to torture.

 

The red flags only lead to the conclusion that his wife was cheating on him.

Edited January 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[salparadise]

The bottom line is, if I was sleeping with other men besides H during our relationship, then I would be more understanding and cooperative and go along with it. But if I wasn't and he thought I was a hoe anyway? Well he can go find someone else to torture.

 

Yea, but it's not about you. An empathetic person would have the opposite reaction. If she had not cheated, realizing that circumstances* would lead a reasonable person to wonder, she'd be understanding of the emotional distress that he's going through and the need for reassurance. However, if she had been cheating and knew that the child wasn't his, she'd likely either come clean and admit everything or use whatever emotional manipulation she could muster to prevent a test, or to deny and/or justify.

 

*opportunity existed, daughter looks like the other daughter which is known to be OM's, taking daughter to visit and sending pics of that child but not others, carrying on a close relationship with the ex, including daily communication and overnight visits.

[anika99]

The bottom line is, if I was sleeping with other men besides H during our relationship, then I would be more understanding and cooperative and go along with it. But if I wasn't and he thought I was a hoe anyway? Well he can go find someone else to torture.

 

I agree with Sal. It's not like the OP is some unreasonable possessive control freak who is questioning the paternity of his child due to jealous paranoia. Based on how he describes his wife he obviously has a very high opinion of her and a lot of respect. He doesn't think his wife is a ho but he has reasonable doubts based on the circumstances and I think he has a right to put those doubts to rest.

Edited January 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[aliveagain]

For a long time I have had a terrible feeling that my daughter is not mine, biologically.

They had a child together, who was placed for adoption because they were too young. It is an open adoption so they visit the child 1-2x a year together and get pictures at other times throughout the year. For the record, that child has red hair and ice blue eyes. They only broke up because he joined the military and he didn't want her to live that lifestyle. She waited around for a long time for him to change his mind. They kept in touch, my wife said it was because the shared a child together and I wanted to believe that. They have gone through brief periods of talking more or less, though they don't see each other (outside of child visits) because he lives on a base 6 hours away in the middle of nowhere. My wife always avoided talking about their relationship as much as possible. She said it was too uncomfortable to talk about it. When we started dating, he stopped talking to her for almost a year, so there are (or where) still feelings there.

 

I was under the impression that they only talked here and there, general chit chat to remain friendly and to talk about visiting their daughter. I recently learned that (recently) they have been talking daily, and late at night. She didn't delete the conversations, didn't hide them and let me read them. He lives 6 hours away, and she has never had the time to drive up there but it could be possible for him to drive here.

 

Do I have reason to request a DNA test? Or am I being stupid and insecure?

 

To me it sounds like your wife still has feelings for her ex, he broke up with her and she still waited around for him. They have a child together that they gave away for adoption, my guess is that it was his idea and not hers and she agreed to it because there was no support from him to raise the child. There are several red flags, the biggest is her secret life with her ex. Why would your wife have to communicate every day and every night with him? Just my opinion but the minimum you have going on here is an emotional affair.

Do not let the fact that he is stationed 6 hours away make you think that an affair is not possible. Military personnel are given leave so they don't suffer additional hardships due to the remote location of the base they are stationed at. They get flown back to civilization on a regular basis for free. Just read on this site, there are physical affairs that happen between people living 3 thousand miles apart and the betrayed spouse had no idea. Trust your gut because your brain is in conflict with your heart, your heart will always mislead you.

 

I suffered learning that my son wasn't mine and was her ex boyfriend's. She had a two year affair behind my back, I was clueless. She would send pictures to him of our son. She and our nanny drove three hours away to show him our son after lying to me that she was going to see a girlfriend that just discovered she had a terminal illness. Turns out she wanted something of his that she could have forever, she wanted me to raise and support the child because he was sh*tty dad material and broke. I was financially much more successful. I'm of Italian heritage, dark hair, brown eyes, they are both blond and blue eyed, our son was blond with blue eyes. Trust your gut.

[DKT3]

If my husband insisted on a DNA test of our children, I would give him his f-ing test, and then when it came back his, I would punish him for the rest of our time together until it got so bad that we would have to divorce anyway.

 

His wife's actions surrounding the child is odd at the very least as connected to her ex. No reasonable explanation for these actions. Had she included all the children then there would be some reasonable explanation for these actions, not many but a few.

 

The m not sure women can truly understand how doubting a child can totally consumed you. The conflicting feelings of not believing but being too fearful to be wrong and the child actually being your. That is torture, not being doubtful of a woman who's actions created the doubt.

[Popsicle]

I will concede that his wife's actions with her ex are suspicious. (she shouldn't be doing all that) but that is what he should be addressing directly.

 

Assuming the kid is his, I don't feel like getting a DNA test is going to make him feel any better about her actions. I mean, people have spouses who've cheated and they don't have kids. They don't feel any less ****ty. Why bring the kids into it? If you want a divorce just get one. If you don't, then tell her she must stop talking to that dude and that's final.

[Clay]

Wow. I am not sure how to even to respond to some of the post in this thread.

 

OP just follow your heart. If you need the test then do it. Its what I did for myself. As far as your wife is concerned her relationship with her ex it need to come to a stop. It sounds like this really is upsetting you and if she continued to do it I can imagine its only a matter of time before it breaks your marriage to her.

 

I hope the test comes out in your favor. I am sorry your going thought this. I suffered with this for 15 years and I do not regret doing the test at all.

 

I sure as hell sleep a lot better now.

 

C

[road]

I will concede that his wife's actions with her ex are suspicious. (she shouldn't be doing all that) but that is what he should be addressing directly.

 

Assuming the kid is his, I don't feel like getting a DNA test is going to make him feel any better about her actions. I mean, people have spouses who've cheated and they don't have kids. They don't feel any less ****ty. Why bring the kids into it? If you want a divorce just get one. If you don't, then tell her she must stop talking to that dude and that's final.

 

He is taking the first step to worrying about his wife cheating. He is gathering intelligence. Easiest thing to do for him right now is to do a DNA paternity test. Child is not his he found out the quickest and easiest way to find out his wife cheated.

 

 

Men do not have a clock like women but with time we do not get as hard, stay hard as long, recovery becomes much longer and with time our little "soldiers" are less and less.

[aileD]

I've been following along and just want to say I think you're handling this in the most mature way you can.

 

I hope she didn't cheat. If it's your child, I hope you never tell her you did the test. I'm all for honesty but this is a hard one.

 

I hope you let us know how it goes

[mightycpa]

The longer you wait, the more your child she will become, if she's not already, regardless of what the DNA says.

 

But, if for no other reason than medical reasons during time of emergency, you ought to know.

[AMarriedMan]

I will concede that his wife's actions with her ex are suspicious. (she shouldn't be doing all that) but that is what he should be addressing directly.

 

Assuming the kid is his, I don't feel like getting a DNA test is going to make him feel any better about her actions. I mean, people have spouses who've cheated and they don't have kids. They don't feel any less ****ty. Why bring the kids into it? If you want a divorce just get one. If you don't, then tell her she must stop talking to that dude and that's final.

 

Taking the test is only secondarily about HER and her actions. It's about him and the kid. A positive answer would most definitely make him feel better about the consequences of her actions.

 

It would be very painful and confusing to have a probable cause to suspect my daughter wasn't mine. As it would be for you to have a good reason to believe a child of yours was actually mixed up with some other kid at the hospital. That's an entirely plausible scenario, for instance, in case a cesarean section were performed on you because you were unconscious and the mix-up took place because there was something wrong with the baby name/id tags at the maternity ward. Something like that could actually have happened at the Royal London Hospital about a month ago. (Google it up.)

 

Any normal person would be made sick their stomach at the idea of taking a changeling from the hospital and noticing, say, only after a year or two or longer. The same thing goes through the head of every man who has a reason to doubt his paternity.

[standtall]

OP,if your relationship is great with the wife,and you have a good family life,then what purpose is served by picking at this? Is it the truth for the sake of the truth, or something else?

[usa1ah]

OP has explained this. She is doing think that has made him question whether or not his wife has been faithful.

 

Also, his youngest looks just like the child his wife and her ex have together. Both eyes and hair color are of the ex. Even some of the baby pics are the same. She is also sending pics of their youngest to her ex.