I don't think my daughter is mine

[sandylee1]

One more thing ...... you really need to ask her if shes still in love with her Ex and wants to leave.

 

I say this because it's obvious they were deeply in love. She never got over him. He had feelings for her after the break up and stopped talking to her when she started seeing you.

 

It could be that she loves the two of you in her mind ... but it looks like "he's the one that got away" from her.

 

I see a few people posting about being in love with their Ex once married to another person, but when it didn't work out, they moved on, but never got over their Ex

 

 

There's no point in her being married to you, if her heart is really with him. You'll just end up feeling like second best. You want to know that she's choosing you as her only lover, then you can decide if you want to reconcile.

[oldshirt]

Again, what can she say or do that will make any of this OK?

 

There is no real solution or pot of gold here.

 

This is now a legal mess that will take a team of good attorneys to sort through.

 

And it will come down to what he wants to do with his own life and his relationship with the kids.

 

As another poster said above, whatever she says is pretty immaterial and there's no way anything she says can be believed or taken seriously anyway.

 

She has lead a double life and raised another family with another man right under his nose. What can possibly come from her that will have any benefit?

[GunslingerRoland]

Damn, I was really hoping you'd find out you were just paranoid. Think about how you want to approach it. If you are considering divorce, hiring a pi or using a recorder to get evidence may be the next step. If you aren't, then confront her, be direct and assertive. I don't see a point in playing dumb at this point, it can't get much worse than what you already know, so you'd might as well give her the chance to come clean.

 

As for your worry about her having slept with many men, personally i'd be less bothered finding out my wife had slept with many men, then an ex who she had kids with... the latter would be far more devastating.

 

Good luck in this awful time.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

No clue how you just plan to sit on this while making up a strategy for confrontation. Just get it over with. Take the kids somewhere else first if you have the chance to. But I would personally let all this out ASAP. I don't think sitting on this is any more healthy for you or her or anyone then just letting it all out and exposing your wife as soon as you can. You have every right to yell at her imo. Curse her out, let it all out on her. Don't get physically violent or anything, if you feel you are at your breaking point on that, walk away for a moment, regain composure, then back to the discussion. Get it done with. Then as others have said, see a lawyer pronto. You have every right to unleash hell imo. No shame in it at all.

[oldshirt]

I would not tell anything AT ALL because your only advantage in this divorce that she doesn't know that you know.

 

I agree.

 

Your biggest advantage in any legal or custody proceedings will be if you can come up with a good plan with your legal team and exicute those plans with her as ignorant and flat-footed as possible.

 

She and the OM have already been plotting and planning for this day for years and probably have lots of smoke screens and smoke and mirrors plotted to complicate and confuse the issues to their advantage.

 

Work as much on the down low with the attorneys as possible.

[oldshirt]

Trust me, I fully understand y'all's thirst for blood here. If I could reach through the computer and throttle the beeotch myself I would.

 

But we have to remember this is actual a very complex and very serious legal situation.

 

I didn't catch where Vic is from but I do not believe he is in the US. Parental and custodial and divorce and infidelity laws are different in different places.

 

In the US the husband in the marital home the child was raised in is often assumed to be the "Father." In other places that is not necessarily so.

 

His parental rights and access to his child/children may be threaten by this revelation. The OM may be subject to full paternal rights.

 

This could affect grandparental rights and access of his parents and family.

 

He may or may not be entitled to compensation and child support from the OM.

 

Some jurisdictions may even require mandated testing of the other kids to determine their paternity.

 

In some countries it may even be considered a crime to falsely claim paternity or a child conceived in adultery. While locking her up and throwing away the key may initially sound great, it won't be great if she gets locked up and he has to raise them alone or has to hand them over to the OM for him to raise alone.

 

I could go on and on but you get the point. This is a serious legal situation and while we all want her head on a stick, the first order of business needs to be for him to consult expert legal counsel and address these very serious legal issues before delving into all of these emotional and moral issues.

 

This situation cannot be "fixed," and there will be no happily ever after for them as a married couple and nuclear family. The best that can happen is that his legal rights are protected.

[Shard]

And for her bad behavior she gets to take a healthy percent of his income. He did nothing wrong and gets to pay in more ways than money. Women really have men by the balls in marriage and it's not fair. She should suffer not the OP.

 

I think it all depends on how he goes about this as well. He should not tell this woman about what he found it. He should file for divorce, with infidelity as the reason. He should take all emotion out of the equation. Divorce is a business transaction.

 

He should at the very least find out what his rights are regarding the daughter. He may have no problems if he is the legal father, but should just make sure his rights are taken care off, assuming he wants this little girl to remain in his life.

 

Really, only being married 5 years, she probably won't get much alimony as this isnt' a long term marriage. And if he is in an at-fault state, then that can work to his advantage.

 

He really needs to see a lawyer ASAP.

[oldshirt]

.... There are places in the world where conceiving a child in adultery and passing it off as the husband's child is punishable by flogging, branding, genital mutilation, stoning and even exicution.

 

From the way he writes, I am sure the OP is not from one of those places, but my point is every place is different and his primary need at this point is expert legal counsel in his jurisdiction.

 

Everything else is secondary at this point.

[Timshel]

Imo, OP's primary need, right now, is to grieve, punch a tree and get his bearings.

 

I don't know if you are religious, OP, but would add, talk...have a conversation with God.

 

No matter what, a cool head and warm heart are prudent.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Imo, OP's primary need, right now, is to grieve, punch a tree and get his bearings.

 

I don't know if you are religious, OP, but would add, talk...have a conversation with God.

 

No matter what, a cool head and warm heart are prudent.

 

I think everyone has a time in life where losing your cool is justified and perfectly acceptable. Where maybe a hot head and ice cold heart are perfectly in order. Even Jesus lost it at the temple.

 

I say just let it all out op. Again, don't get violent, but in my eyes, you have every right to go nuclear. I'm sure hardly a soul would hold it against you. Fully justified. But I often act on emotions, and while I've never been violent ever, I have been known to use words that certainly cut as deep as a knife so idk if I would take my own advice on this one. I just don't know how you can keep a level head and plan your approach with this. I certainly envy those who have that kind of control, I just don't. Especially sitting on it for half a day. Wow. Nuclear is all I can say. Beyond nuclear if there is such a thing. Kudos to those who have what I believe to be ungodly amounts of self control.

[aileD]

It's important that you do not lose your cool. Your daughter cannot see you acting angry at this development. She is too young to understand that it's not her fault. She will think you don't love or want her and you are angry at her.

 

You must keep your cool when the kids are around.

[Mr. Lucky]

She and the OM have already been plotting and planning for this day for years and probably have lots of smoke screens and smoke and mirrors plotted to complicate and confuse the issues to their advantage.

 

There's at least a chance the ex BF has been in the same position as the OP - had suspicions but no knowledge. If so, this confirmation will be a new development to him also. Lot's of moving pieces here, the OP needs to proceed slowly - and with counsel - after the initial conversation with his wife...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

There's at least a chance the ex BF has been in the same position as the OP - had suspicions but no knowledge. If so, this confirmation will be a new development to him also. Lot's of moving pieces here, the OP needs to proceed slowly - and with counsel - after the initial conversation with his wife...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr L,

 

It's highly unlikely that the Ex doesn't know. He gets pics of her and not of the boys and he knows he slept with her.

 

He must see the resemblance between her and their older daughter. He knows.

 

I just hope they didn't plan this. That would be terribly terribly cruel, even more so than the deliberate betrayed and deception.

[bluefeather]

VicHri, I am very sorry this happened to you. I wish I could offer some advice, but that sounds very difficult. I can't even imagine what chaos might be going through your head right now. The only thing I can say is that I agree that seeking some kind of legal advice would probably be best. And as hurt as you must be, and rightfully so, I think it is very noble that you are already considering the kind of trauma this could put your daughter through. And you raised her - she is yours. Especially in her eyes, she must be.

 

I hope it goes as well as it can :/

[road]

Best thing for the OP to do is go see a lawyer. He has time for his WW is not

going to see the OM. After getting legal advice and time to reflect he then

can plan telling his WW that he knows and what he is going to do.

 

 

OP, the best thing is to fight the urge to make quick decisions. Best to

avoid going off without a plan. There are some wise people here that think

before shouting things on impulse.

 

You need to make decisions that are the best for you.

How many kids do you and your WW have together?

How many kids are you the bio dad for?

[oldshirt]

There's at least a chance the ex BF has been in the same position as the OP - had suspicions but no knowledge. If so, this confirmation will be a new development to him also. Lot's of moving pieces here, the OP needs to proceed slowly - and with counsel - after the initial conversation with his wife...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Since has been sending the OM weekly pictures of their daughter and having periodic get-a-ways with him and the daughter as well as regular phone contact.

 

They are leading a double life together.

 

The OM likely knows darn near everything but he has it made so he hasn't rocked the boat thus far. He gets the BJs and booty calls and gets to take the daughter to the park every now and then, but the OP is the one that foots the bills and changes the diapers and gets up to clean up puke in the middle of the night. What OM wouldn't be good with that arrangement??

 

There are a couple plausible scenarios that may play out once this hits the fan.

 

He may want nothing to do with them other than the booty calls and may try to fight any kind of child support or anything to do with the daughter.

 

Or he may swing the other way and figure once this is out he will seek a full-on relationship with the WW and want full parental privileges with the daughter.

[Poutrew]

Unfortunately, it sounds like this woman has two separate lives. She has two husbands. With her sending weekly pictures of the lovechild to the OM, it truly sounds like everyone knows about this arraignment except for the OP. Vic, you need to divorce your wife because she is a bleeping monster of the first order. Only a true psychopath can do to you what she is doing... but, if you can hold off on the confrontation a bit, like other posters are advising, there is some preliminary footwork you need to do first. Like, consult a lawyer. Taking your name off any joint credit accounts. Also, get as much of your money into accounts that she can not drain once she realizes you are aware of her double life, otherwise you just might wake up one day soon only to discover your wife is gone and your bank accounts completely drained. You can also take steps to hide personal assets she might decide belong to her and leave with. Important legal papers, the children's birth certificates, property deeds, financial information, and the like.

 

These are steps you can transparently take now ,and will no doubt be grateful doing once the poop hits the fan. Make no mistake, the nice, dedicated, loving, caring woman your wife seems to be to your face is just a charade. A chimera, an illusion. She is a masterful actress, completely in control of the situation the way a spider sitting in the center of the web is in charge of the situation, with a leg on each of the web strands. Once you take that control away from her, you are going to see another, monstrously evil side come to the surface. Remember, both your wife and the OM have always known the truth, whilst you have just discovered it. They have both had plenty of time to formulate a plan on what to do should you find out the truth... You are about to feel the effects of that plan now that it is about to materialize. Good luck...

[oldshirt]

Once you take that control away from her, you are going to see another, monstrously evil side come to the surface. Remember, both your wife and the OM have always known the truth, whilst you have just discovered it. They have both had plenty of time to formulate a plan on what to do should you find out the truth... ...

 

^^^^ this ^^^^^

 

She is an evil, cold-hearted, manipulating, scheming sociopath who has plotted and planned and orchestrated this for years and years.

 

She and the OM have a double life and have planned and plotted and rehearsed for years on what they are going to do if the truth is ever discovered.

 

The OP is in over head and he is a babe in the woods surrounded by hungry wolves.

 

He needs to get expert counsel, a solid team of professionals behind him, circle his wagons and be armed to the teeth and ready for the battle of his life when this balloon goes up. to do this, he needs counsel from expert, third-party professionals who deal with this kind of stuff day in and day out.

[usa1ah]

You do realize he has visitation rights with his daughter. He can also sure for 50/50 custody. Don't know if he could get it, I guess it depends on where you live.

 

 

This happened to another guy on a forum. The OM had visitation rights, every other weekend.

[usa1ah]

I believe OP will confront her and she will go to the OM.

[Jersey born raised]

You don't need to see a lawyer YOU MUST SEE A LAWYER.

 

You must fill out all the forms for divorce including custody and maintenance. Finally you must have a plan to live and be with your childen if you divorce.

 

Then and then only can you pause and consider what to take the finally step and file. Under no circumstances you bring up reconcilation, she must. If she does not have the strength ask, even in the face of anger and rejection, she does not have the fortitude to endure reconciliation.

 

I am going to take a guess and say you are in the EU. Yet even so each country has it's own laws. Do not assume, instead know.

 

Just like countries in EU have there own laws, state in the US do as well. Many are no-fault but will adjust asset division and custody if there is fault. A lot do not care. 50/50 period. Some stats once your name is on the birth certicate you owe child support to 18 minimum. Some states you have a two year window after birth to deny support. I believe one state allows a short window after discovery.

 

So talk to a lawyer before telling or agreeing anything with WS.

[VicHri]

I have spoken to a lawyer, a friend of mine specializes in family law/divorce.

 

I'm not in the USA, I'm in the EU. In my state, women are expected (though not required) to stay home with the children until they are in "high school". Until they kids are age 12 it is standard for my wife to stay home. Then work part-time until the kids reach 18. Until then (or she remarries), I am completely responsible for her living costs. There is a high standard of living here, which = higher living costs than the USA. Living costs are generally 40% higher, but some things (such as property) are 80% higher. She will be getting 50% of my income and pension. The reason for divorce is irrelevant.

 

-Assets that we came into the marriage with are our own and not split

-Acquêts are that have been individually maintained during the marriage are also not split

-Debts go back to the original holder

-Matrimonial property is split 50/50 unless otherwise agreed upon

 

With the children, we will both have shared legal custody. We have to decide on physical custody then submit that to a judge for approval. When couples are married, the father isn't required to acknowledge paternity - it is automatically assumed. I am the legal father of my daughter, and as long as my wife's ex stays out of the picture nothing will change. My wife cannot challenge paternity. Her ex, however, can challenge paternity. I'm having difficulty wording this part in English, so I'll try this. He has one year to challenge paternity, if he was told today that he is the biological father he has until January 15 2018 to submit his application to challenge paternity. Paternity can only be challenged until the child turns 5 years old, after that date it cannot be challenged.

 

So, if he is aware that my daughter is/may be his biological child and has been aware for over a year then he cannot challenge paternity and will never have rights to her. If he can claim that he was unaware, he can challenge paternity. If proven that he is the father, my legal rights are stripped and I no long have any rights to see or contact her. Even if my sons are not my biological children, my legal rights cannot be removed because they are over the age of 5.

 

To divorce here we have to live separately for 2 years, then submit our application for divorce. If my wife would agree to the divorce, it would be done in about 2 months vs. 2 years.

 

As of right now, my wife isn't aware that I know anything. I'm not dead set on divorce, yet. I can't make that decision without talking to her first. There isn't much she can do to influence what will happen in a divorce. The main thing to worry about is her informing her ex and him filing to challenge paternity. It was recommended to go through all of my wife's emails, texts and messages to see if I can find anything that shows her ex is aware that my daughter is (or may be) his. I saved everything but haven't gone through it all yet.

 

I've made arrangements for our kids to stay with family today and we'll see what happens.

[DKT3]

I have spoken to a lawyer, a friend of mine specializes in family law/divorce.

 

I'm not in the USA, I'm in the EU. In my state, women are expected (though not required) to stay home with the children until they are in "high school". Until they kids are age 12 it is standard for my wife to stay home. Then work part-time until the kids reach 18. Until then (or she remarries), I am completely responsible for her living costs. There is a high standard of living here, which = higher living costs than the USA. Living costs are generally 40% higher, but some things (such as property) are 80% higher. She will be getting 50% of my income and pension. The reason for divorce is irrelevant.

 

-Assets that we came into the marriage with are our own and not split

-Acquêts are that have been individually maintained during the marriage are also not split

-Debts go back to the original holder

-Matrimonial property is split 50/50 unless otherwise agreed upon

 

With the children, we will both have shared legal custody. We have to decide on physical custody then submit that to a judge for approval. When couples are married, the father isn't required to acknowledge paternity - it is automatically assumed. I am the legal father of my daughter, and as long as my wife's ex stays out of the picture nothing will change. My wife cannot challenge paternity. Her ex, however, can challenge paternity. I'm having difficulty wording this part in English, so I'll try this. He has one year to challenge paternity, if he was told today that he is the biological father he has until January 15 2018 to submit his application to challenge paternity. Paternity can only be challenged until the child turns 5 years old, after that date it cannot be challenged.

 

So, if he is aware that my daughter is/may be his biological child and has been aware for over a year then he cannot challenge paternity and will never have rights to her. If he can claim that he was unaware, he can challenge paternity. If proven that he is the father, my legal rights are stripped and I no long have any rights to see or contact her. Even if my sons are not my biological children, my legal rights cannot be removed because they are over the age of 5.

 

To divorce here we have to live separately for 2 years, then submit our application for divorce. If my wife would agree to the divorce, it would be done in about 2 months vs. 2 years.

 

As of right now, my wife isn't aware that I know anything. I'm not dead set on divorce, yet. I can't make that decision without talking to her first. There isn't much she can do to influence what will happen in a divorce. The main thing to worry about is her informing her ex and him filing to challenge paternity. It was recommended to go through all of my wife's emails, texts and messages to see if I can find anything that shows her ex is aware that my daughter is (or may be) his. I saved everything but haven't gone through it all yet.

 

I've made arrangements for our kids to stay with family today and we'll see what happens.

 

As much as you may not want o believe it, he knows it's his child, she knows it's his child you WERE the one of three who didn't. Her actions clearly show they knew

[VicHri]

As much as you may not want o believe it, he knows it's his child, she knows it's his child you WERE the one of three who didn't. Her actions clearly show they knew

 

I hate being the one who was left "in the dark" but legally it works in my favor if he has known all along. If it can be proven that he has known for over a year then he can't get rights to see or contact her. Losing my daughter would be the worst part of this.

[Jersey born raised]

Your tell your lawyer what he tells you how !! Do not accept anything less in a lawyer. In some ways the US laws are similar. How does the court qualify "best interest of the child"? That where you lawyer needs to dig.

 

How did my friend get primary child custody? He found a way to live in the same school distict, his children stayed in the same church, his children stayed in the same social circle. He had a well craft parental plan for day to day living for child care. He got a job, for about 10% less, that allowed for some flex time and work from home. His ex just assumed she would get custody, big child support, and high maintance. Nope. Less custody less money less need for maintenance.

 

I took a guess about what country you are in and did some reading. Maintaince is usually limited to one or two years and while you are correct about custom, custom is changing rapidly. Please double check.

 

You need to exspouse to her family to start with. If your paying for the child, the bio gets no visitation at the expense of your sons. Both of your sons are of an age they need to be told about the adultery. Do not allow you sons to live in a lie.