I don't think my daughter is mine

[40somethingGuy]

It sounds like you will always be competing with the ex, Michael. How unreal of your wife to allow this to happen even once knowing he had no intention of being a father. Well, she could have his kid and you got to put in the work and pay the bills. Nice. Some things 'sorry' can't fix and this was years of choices that did not have your interests or feelings at the top of the mind. It was more- what do I do with my husband now? If you can truly trust her again and R then you are a better man than me. What gets me about these things is that the #1 person who should protect you betrays you. These are consequences she has to live with and you deserve so much better out of her. Good luck man.

[DKT3]

Wow this is horrible...It's also extremely hard to believe that story. The mean the odds of her getting pregnant the one time they had sex is unrealistic at best.

 

I would think it's a very long term ongoing affair that has likely lasted your entire marriage.

 

I would suggest a polygraph before you make any decisions, it's simply too unbelievable.

 

Also step up? Step up to what? Being a father of the child or being the man in her life? Islt sounds like the latter from some of the things she said. It sounds like you are the safe choice, the one she views as the better father which means barring the kids he would be her likely choice.

 

I don't envy your position and the BS you have to sort to get there. Good luck in the journey.

[VeveCakes]

I think it's terrible the ex knew about the daughter before you.

 

A lifetime of lies...which only came out now because you know the truth.

[kgcolonel]

Wow this is horrible...It's also extremely hard to believe that story. The mean the odds of her getting pregnant the one time they had sex is unrealistic at best.

 

I would think it's a very long term ongoing affair that has likely lasted your entire marriage.

 

I would suggest a polygraph before you make any decisions, it's simply too unbelievable.

 

Also step up? Step up to what? Being a father of the child or being the man in her life? Islt sounds like the latter from some of the things she said. It sounds like you are the safe choice, the one she views as the better father which means barring the kids he would be her likely choice.

 

I don't envy your position and the BS you have to sort to get there. Good luck in the journey.

 

What a nightmare here.....all else, let's say is true, it was one time, she was distraught over daughter moving away, etc etc......this would be the question that would have me in a perpetual loop.....I think the polygraph will be the only way to get to the truth you truly need.....

 

Also, what if he had stepped up???? Was she going to leave you and take the boys as well??????

[JuneL]

OP, I am deeply sorry for what you have to go through. You have shown an incredible amount of kindness throughout the whole thread. Unfortunately, it seems that your wife has taken advantage of your kindness. I have to create this account just to say a few words of support.

 

Let me say this as a woman: what kind of an evil soul would inflict this level of hurt on her own husband and the loving father of her own children? I wouldn't want my worst enemy to endure this!

 

Reading between the lines, I could tell your wife has always been "in love" with the OM. Like you mentioned, she had waited a long time for the OM to change his mind after being dumped. Did you realize that you were never her No. 1 from the beginning of your relationship? Were you okay with that then, hoping that she would change her mind? I just couldn't imagine many men would be okay with the level of contact between the two of them. I also couldn't imagine many men would still consider staying after such a deep level of betrayal. I also wanted to add that, I know you are a kind man and you love their daughter, but you have no moral obligation to raise her.

 

This excuse that the adopted daughter's family didn't want to have multiple visits is plain BS. Does it warrant her talking to the OM on the daily basis? If she were half as remorseful as she has claimed, then she should have cut the OM off her life completely a long time ago.

 

Of course, she has always wanted the OM to step up for their daughter. It's crystal clear she's hoping that the OM would change his mind one day, so they would have a happy family and live happily ever after. She can say as many sorry's as she wants, but talk is cheap, and her actions speak volumes: she has NO respect for YOU.

[JuneL]

p.s. The more I read, the angrier I got. Of course, her story was completely BS. But I see no point doing a polygraph at this point — your "relationship" is just beyond repair.

[Mr. Lucky]

There was a part of me that wanted to be pregnant again with Micheal's baby so I could "redo" [not the word I'm going for] my mistakes.

 

Can't help but think she considers these mistakes to include not following through on a life with him and their child.

 

I knew you would love her more than Micheal would, that you would be a better role model for her. I knew that you would care for her better than any other man could, and you do. You are an amazing dad to her, our sons.

 

In other words, you'd be a better provider/caretaker. Nowhere does she say you'd be a better choice for her as a husband.

 

VicHri, on some level I admire your wife, she has done you the favor of being searingly and brutally honest with you. She has always seen you as the best option for the kids but the ex as the best choice for her. Were I you, I'd agree with that painful but honest determination going forward by divorcing her and being the best father I could to all my children. Hope you find strength in this very difficult time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluesPower]

Wow this is horrible...It's also extremely hard to believe that story. The mean the odds of her getting pregnant the one time they had sex is unrealistic at best.

 

I would think it's a very long term ongoing affair that has likely lasted your entire marriage.

 

I would suggest a polygraph before you make any decisions, it's simply too unbelievable.

 

Also step up? Step up to what? Being a father of the child or being the man in her life? Islt sounds like the latter from some of the things she said. It sounds like you are the safe choice, the one she views as the better father which means barring the kids he would be her likely choice.

 

I don't envy your position and the BS you have to sort to get there. Good luck in the journey.

 

I have to go with DTK3. I think this is unforgivable.

 

Yeah, I think some of it is a lie. Maybe not but I think so. She still loves him, and to think they have not been sleeping together this whole time is just really hard to believe.

 

If you want to do a polygraph to test what she has told you it may be worth a shot.

 

For me, divorce now and let her go back to her ex. Be done with her...

[JuneL]

 

For me, divorce now and let her go back to her ex. Be done with her...

 

The thing is, her ex NEVER wanted to take her back; otherwise, she would have tossed the OP like paper towel!

[kgcolonel]

The thing is, her ex NEVER wanted to take her back; otherwise, she would have tossed the OP like paper towel!

 

I agree here JuneL, to him, she's a piece on the side.....she cant be too intouch with reality (trying to think of a PC expression) for thinking otherwise. The Polygraph, if nothing else will help to both confirm details and facts vs rewritten history and let other know what has really been occurring.

 

How sad this is...really sad if she's had those letters written for years as a parachute for when VicHri finally figured things out...either she's not too bright or extremely cunning. Not sure which ATM.

[JuneL]

Well out of all the BS at least you found out that the other guy did know it was his kid for longer than a year, so by the laws of your land, he has no legal course to pursue custody. Sounds like he wants nothing to do with it either way, but even if he did, you have the courts now in your favor. So at least there is that one win for both you and your daughter.

 

Wishing you strength in all of this. What a heartbreaking story.

 

From what the OP wrote, it seems that his wife and her ex have always "assumed" that the ex is the biological father. But they never did a DNA test formally. Does it still count legally?

[Birdies]

Wow. I'm really sorry. If (and that's a BIG if) you want to move forward, I think you should demand the following, and anything else you think necessary:

 

- polygraph to see if she's lying about any of it. This is almost universal. They try to minimize to protect themselves, the marriage, and (in a screwed up way) you.

 

- no contact with the ex... figure out a way to do the kid visits without him. No ifs ands or buts. She said there are still feelings there. NUH UH. No contact.

 

- individual counseling for her to work through her feelings on the adoption, her feelings about this guy, her being able to justify lying to you for so long

 

- complete transparency on her phone, email, etc

 

Good luck working through this. Don't do anything until you get that ploygraph, though! Lying to try to minimize the affair is almost universal with affairs. I should know, I did it to my (now ex) husband :/

[VicHri]

I expect this post to be scattered. There is too much on my mind currently to have clear thoughts.

 

Competing with her ex is something that I am worried about. That is the man that she loves, and she loves me too, but she loved him first and she loves him differently. I don't doubt that she loves me, but who is she in love with is the question...

 

Based on her words, her ex doesn't want a family or a serious relationship. He isn't married and hasn't been in a serious relationship since my wife. My wife and her ex were in a relationship for 7 years (or so) before he called it quits. Then she waited around for 3-4 years for him to change his mind. I think she has been waiting a lot longer than that. I did ask her if she would leave if her ex wanted her. Her response was: No, she never would, but she would want to. She said she will always feel close to him, even though she doesn't want to. That they went through too much together and the bond will always be there even if she doesn't want it to be.

 

By "step up" she said she meant be a part of "their" daughters life so our daughter wouldn't feel abandoned. Not to run of with him. Again, that's what she said...

 

In defence of my wife I will say that 2012 was a crappy, crappy year for her. She lost 3 immediate family members that year, their were a lot of problems with her immediate family fighting over assets, our home was being renovated and anything that could go wrong was going wrong, we were struggling to conceive, her daughters adoptive parents moved, their visits changed, they stopped sending pictures as often, they wouldn't let my wife talk to her or see her on the daughter's birthday, they talked about closing the adoption until the daughter was 18. When she says it was a ****ty year, it was.

 

With our sons my wife conceived on the 3rd month of trying. It was the same with miscarriages that we had, conceived the 3rd month. My wife only ovulates every 3rd month so technically, she got pregnant on the first try every time. We all know it only takes one time to get pregnant. So is it possible it was only two times (in one day), yes. I haven't decided if I believe it yet.

 

She told her ex that I knew it wasn't my daughter. I have never had a conversation with him. The law in my country is that you have 1 year from the day you are informed you may be or have reason to believe you may be the biological father to act. So unless he found a way to fight it, he has no right to my daughter. That doesn't stop my wife from letting him see my daughter, he just won't get custody. My wife said he signed something that said he didn't want to be involved, we didn't get too into that so I don't know what it was but she says she has the paperwork.

 

I have to take into account that my wife's ex is my daughters biological father and my daughter has a full sister. I cannot be the one to decide they cannot be in her life anymore, that is for my daughter to decide when she is old enough. Unfortunately that means if my wife and I stay together the ex may always be in the background. I'd want to be the one to handle visitation, no longer my wife.

 

In regards to having the letter written out 32 times, I'm not sure how I feel about it... I could have found it at any time, maybe she wanted me to. She wrote them over a period of 2 years. Each was dated, which could be total BS. But some she tried to write in English and it gradually got better, she has always been able to speak English well but wasn't fluent. She has been working on it over the last year and there was a noticeable difference in the letters.

 

I do appreciate that she "came clean" on her own, to a degree. She didn't know what I knew. But is it enough... I don't believe a polygraph would be easy to come by here. She gave me her phone, without me asking, and said I can look through whatever I want. The texts to her ex go back to February 2016, on Facebook they go back to 2007 (one month before we met). If non messages had been deleted and I had all the time in the world I could read their conversations through our entire relationship and marriage.

Edited January 17, 2017 by VicHri

[GunslingerRoland]

Kind of irrelevant but I really don't understand her ex. He doesn't want to be a father, but he wants to visit the kids a couple of times a year... I guess I don't really get that. You either want a relationship or you don't. Your wife clearly wants a relationship with her adopted daughter and for now lives with what she can get, but he prefers it. Very strange.

 

I find it hard to believe that your wife isn't 100% in love with him still and only with you because she knows she can never have him. Her words and her actions all show that, I'm sorry but it seems like she is "settling" for you because you are a good provider for her and her children.

[JuneL]

Kind of irrelevant but I really don't understand her ex. He doesn't want to be a father, but he wants to visit the kids a couple of times a year... I guess I don't really get that. You either want a relationship or you don't. Your wife clearly wants a relationship with her adopted daughter and for now lives with what she can get, but he prefers it. Very strange.

 

 

Yeah, he probably wants to have the "perks" that come with visiting their adopted daughter.

[JuneL]

 

With our sons my wife conceived on the 3rd month of trying. It was the same with miscarriages that we had, conceived the 3rd month. My wife only ovulates every 3rd month so technically, she got pregnant on the first try every time. We all know it only takes one time to get pregnant. So is it possible it was only two times (in one day), yes. I haven't decided if I believe it yet.

 

 

Wow, she ovulates only every 3rd month and they conceived after having tried just once, like hitting the jackpot!

 

True, your wife got pregnant during her first round of ovulation, but did you not try many times during this 3-month?

 

Btw, your wife deduced very early on that her daughter was most likely her ex's, as you guys had not been able to conceive again for a long time. In other words, she was putting all the blame (for not being able to conceive again) on you!

[bluefeather]

I did ask her if she would leave if her ex wanted her. Her response was: No, she never would, but she would want to.

 

That says enough for me. That "want" can easily increase later if the other guy pushes hard. Maybe one day the other guy comes around and says he is "ready" and wants to get back with her and be a serious part of your daughter's life. While he wouldn't get custody, that would probably be enough to make your wife's "never" disappear. Then she will be the one leaving you.

 

She had an affair with another man, got pregnant, and lead you to believe it was from you. She has no respect for you.

[kgcolonel]

VicHri, do you think that her BF was sincere in his feelings for your W or for the daughter? It is beginning to look as though she is being played. He has told her that he doesn't want a R with her and he doesn't want to be a father to your youngest. That being understood, it looks like your dear wife is nothing more that a booty call for the ex...I don't mean to be crude or disrespectful to the one you love but my goodness, did she and is she ever getting played!!

 

Do you think you can grasp her statement that she would not run off with him but would want to....(what does she expect you to do with that statement)?

 

Here in the traditional marriage ceremonies, there is a vow to Love, Honor and Cherish and to forsake all others (including exbf's). In addition to the infidelity, she's basically telling you that she's incapable of forsaking her exbf. I feel for you Brother....real tough situation.

[Clay]

Wow....

 

I would tell her thanks and ask her if she will work with you on the divorce and taking your name off the childs documents stating your the father. I would also ask for reasonable visitation.

 

Nothing else would really need to be said after that. She already showed you just what you were to her. Safe and number 2.

 

I am really sorry.

 

C

[sandylee1]

Wow....

 

I would tell her thanks and ask her if she will work with you on the divorce and taking your name off the childs documents stating your the father. I would also ask for reasonable visitation.

 

 

 

C

 

He doesn't want this.

[kgcolonel]

He doesn't want this.

 

Agreed, his primary concern was that he never lost custody and the understanding that regardless of the biological details, he is her daddy....that's a good man and a real man. His wife's ex can't hold a candle to him, it's a mystery why the wife can't see this....

[sandylee1]

I'm so very sorry for you. I can't imagine how your head must be spinning right now.

 

None of it is good, but that she wanted to get pregnant with his child must be even more devastating.

 

What was her plan if Michael stepped up and wanted to be a dad and be with her again? Because the way to 100% right (not that it's even possible) that wrong was for her and Michael to bring up the baby together. Her plan backfired. He wasn't interested.

 

Where did you feature in all this ? Where did your sons come into this? She just wasn't thinking about anyone else.

 

Because she loves him, but realises he was unlikely to commit to her, so she decided to settle for a part of him to be close to her. She doesn't want to get over him. She deliberately created a constant reminder of him.

 

Perhaps realising that as their first daughter got older and went to Uni, she couldn't justify continuing to visit with him. So another baby enable her to keep seeing him/sleeping with him.

 

Even if Michael stepped up to be a dad, were you meant to sit by and watch this? Accept it?

 

It's very one sided. He doesn't love her, the way she loves him and her thinking is probably "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with"

[VicHri]

I'm going to sound like a jerk here but that isn't my intention. I believe you guys say, she isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. This issue aside, I would say that she is a great mother and a great wife (ignoring these issues), but she just isn't that smart.

 

My wife's relationship experience is her ex and I. She hasn't so much as been on a date with another man, kissed another man or talked to another man in a way to get to know him. I believe she was 12 or 13 years old when she got into a relationship with her ex. She isolated herself (or he isolated her I'm not sure) so that he was the only person she was around until she graduated. She had no other friends that I'm aware of. In université she was the same, she kept to herself and went through with very little interaction with others and no real friends.

 

In her relationship with her ex, he did all sorts of dumb **** that she let slide. Cheating, getting her pregnant at 14, pushing for adoption, pushing for unprotected sex after the adoption, dumped her without giving her a reason and she still waited around for years while he jerked her around. She still can't see that he was playing her then and my guess is that he still is.

 

Wow, she ovulates only every 3rd month and they conceived after having tried just once, like hitting the jackpot!

 

True, your wife got pregnant during her first round of ovulation, but did you not try many times during this 3-month?

 

Btw, your wife deduced very early on that her daughter was most likely her ex's, as you guys had not been able to conceive again for a long time. In other words, she was putting all the blame (for not being able to conceive again) on you!

 

My wife got pregnant with one of our boys after having sex only once that month. I know that it can happen with only one try, as long as the timing lines up. Usually though, yes we would try multiple times a month. We tried, almost daily for 3 years before my wife got pregnant by her ex. I don't think she was blaming me for not being able to conceive again. She was stressed about it. I do understand where she was coming from there. No results were happening, we knew she was ovulating and we were going to see a specialist the next month or two. We haven't used protection since my daughter was born because we were open to a 4th. Once again we have gone 3 years without getting pregnant. The options are, terrible luck, something is wrong on my end (and I really wouldn't care) or she has been using birth control without telling me. I'd say the most likely is a problem on my end, which doesn't bother me.

 

Just because getting pregnant from having sex once can happen, doesn't mean I believe it happened here...

 

Kind of irrelevant but I really don't understand her ex. He doesn't want to be a father, but he wants to visit the kids a couple of times a year... I guess I don't really get that. You either want a relationship or you don't. Your wife clearly wants a relationship with her adopted daughter and for now lives with what she can get, but he prefers it. Very strange.

 

I find it hard to believe that your wife isn't 100% in love with him still and only with you because she knows she can never have him. Her words and her actions all show that, I'm sorry but it seems like she is "settling" for you because you are a good provider for her and her children.

 

I don't understand her ex's intent either. Going back, he somehow convinced my wife that getting pregnant at 14 would be a good idea. When she got pregnant he blamed her and pushed/mandated adoption. I don't believe he ever wanted an open adoption. 4 years ago was basically history repeating itself, if what my wife says is true.

 

You aren't alone on that thought. I definitely feel that she settled because he didn't want her.

 

Yeah, he probably wants to have the "perks" that come with visiting their adopted daughter.

 

I have doubts that she only had sex with him that one day. It seems much more likely that they had sex every visit. He doesn't have much of a reason to go otherwise. He doesn't want to be a dad. He does want to screw my wife though. Or as you say, "get the perks". Or dick her around.

 

That says enough for me. That "want" can easily increase later if the other guy pushes hard. Maybe one day the other guy comes around and says he is "ready" and wants to get back with her and be a serious part of your daughter's life. While he wouldn't get custody, that would probably be enough to make your wife's "never" disappear. Then she will be the one leaving you.

 

She had an affair with another man, got pregnant, and lead you to believe it was from you. She has no respect for you.

 

I do agree. What happens if he decides he wants to be a father and husband, and be that for her. She's stupid enough to fall for it, and I don't intend that to be mean, it's just how it is. She doesn't notice these things.

 

VicHri, do you think that her BF was sincere in his feelings for your W or for the daughter? It is beginning to look as though she is being played. He has told her that he doesn't want a R with her and he doesn't want to be a father to your youngest. That being understood, it looks like your dear wife is nothing more that a booty call for the ex...I don't mean to be crude or disrespectful to the one you love but my goodness, did she and is she ever getting played!!

 

Do you think you can grasp her statement that she would not run off with him but would want to....(what does she expect you to do with that statement)?

 

Here in the traditional marriage ceremonies, there is a vow to Love, Honor and Cherish and to forsake all others (including exbf's). In addition to the infidelity, she's basically telling you that she's incapable of forsaking her exbf. I feel for you Brother....real tough situation.

 

I have serious doubts. I didn't know her through their relationship and I don't know him at all so I can't say without a doubt. My gut instinct is that maybe he cared about her in the beginning, but somewhere along the line that changed and he just used her to jerk around. I have said things along that line to her, and she doesn't see it.

 

I have absolutely no idea what she wants me to do with that statement. What shocked me was that she thought it was a perfectly reasonable and understandable thing to say. She didn't get it.

 

So am I supposed to forgive this because she's a bit naive and not so intelligent? I don't know how much of an excuse that can be.

[VicHri]

I'm so very sorry for you. I can't imagine how your head must be spinning right now.

 

None of it is good, but that she wanted to get pregnant with his child must be even more devastating.

 

What was her plan if Michael stepped up and wanted to be a dad and be with her again? Because the way to 100% right (not that it's even possible) that wrong was for her and Michael to bring up the baby together. Her plan backfired. He wasn't interested.

 

Where did you feature in all this ? Where did your sons come into this? She just wasn't thinking about anyone else.

 

Because she loves him, but realises he was unlikely to commit to her, so she decided to settle for a part of him to be close to her. She doesn't want to get over him. She deliberately created a constant reminder of him.

 

Perhaps realising that as their first daughter got older and went to Uni, she couldn't justify continuing to visit with him. So another baby enable her to keep seeing him/sleeping with him.

 

Even if Michael stepped up to be a dad, were you meant to sit by and watch this? Accept it?

 

It's very one sided. He doesn't love her, the way she loves him and her thinking is probably "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with"

 

I thought talking to her would help clear some things, if she was open and honest with me. I feel like she was open with me, maybe honest, but the stuff that came out of her mouth just made me more confused. What the f*** was she thinking and how does any of this make sense to her.

 

She did admit that she was only thinking in the moment (that they had sex). Afterwards she regretted it and didn't know what she was going to do. She said that she intended to tell me when she got home but that didn't happen. She said she inquired about abortion but ultimately couldn't go through with it. Like her first pregnancy, her ex was on board to have sex and get her pregnant but didn't want to step up. When she told him she was pregnant he walked. I wonder how many half-siblings does my daughter have?

 

The year that I started seeing my wife, her ex stopped talking to her and missed that years visits. Thinking back, he also missed the 2013 visits, when she was pregnant. Looking through their messages quickly, there was very little contact during 2013.

 

That last line of your post seems accurate to her way of thinking. Do I really want to be the "he'll do" husband... No.

Edited January 18, 2017 by VicHri

[Marc878]

She was smart enough to deceive you for years.

 

Sorry men but you are her plan B.