I don't think my daughter is mine

[JuneL]

OP, at this point, you should have the best interests of you and your kids in mind.

 

- I agree with a previous poster that you should also have a DNA test done on the boys.

 

- You can defend her acts using her "stupidity" all you want, but this doesn't change the fact that her acts were extremely selfish and even evil — just imagine the permanent harm inflicted on you and your kids. Such an excuse may be more convincing for a teenager or for an isolated incident, but she was a fully functioning adult throughout the whole period of her deceptive actions.

 

- If your wife's mind was as confused as you suggested, then would you feel safe for her to make important decisions for your kids? I suggest that you record/document some of your conversations and talk to your lawyer about the possibility of getting full custody of your kids, considering that the state of your wife's mind may not be in the best interest of your kids.

 

- If I were you (I understand you probably don't agree here), the best scenario would be to divorce your wife asap and get full custody of your boys, assuming you are their biological father. As for their affair daughter, I would continue to be in her life, be a loving figure to her and help her financially if needed. But I would let your wife have full custody of her — this is the only way you can cut your wife's ex out of your life as much as possible. Remember that you can't be a good father if you have to deal with your wife's ex and become a miserable person.

 

- Even if your wife agrees to cutting off her ex unless absolutely necessary (e.g., handling visitations of their kids) in exchange for your not divorcing her, I can almost guarantee that she will do this unwillingly and will become resentful. I asked you earlier if you knew that her ex was much more important in her heart during the early stage of your relationship. Did you just hope that her passion would grow? I am asking because it would be hard to miss considering the depth of your wife's emotional attachment for her ex.

Edited January 18, 2017 by JuneL

[Marc878]

Cheaters lie a lot. Most BS's want to believe. It's called denial. The truth or reality is to hard to take.

 

Wake up

[Mr. Lucky]

- If I were you (I understand you probably don't agree here), the best scenario would be to divorce your wife asap and get full custody of your boys, assuming you are their biological father. As for their affair daughter, I would continue to be in her life, be a loving figure to her and help her financially if needed. But I would let your wife have full custody of her — this is the only way you can cut your wife's ex out of your life as much as possible. Remember that you can't be a good father if you have to deal with your wife's ex and become a miserable person.

 

Not only has the OP said this isn't what he wants but, in his shoes, I'd never agree to this either. She's his daughter regardless of DNA and I'd guess the legal system at some point will make that official.

 

You'd have to kill me before I'd give someone else, especially a STB cheating ex-wife, full custody of my child...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aliveagain]

Friend, the other man doesn't want to be involved in raising your wife's affair child yet he was always more then ready to go with her to see their adopted daughter, why, because of the benefits that were included, sex with your wife. If your wife wanted to prevent a pregnancy all she needed to do was have him run down to the pharmacy for condoms(every hotel, motel has a condom machine somewhere). Cheaters always lie about using protection, the exchange of bodily fluids is a big part of the high they get. Your wife was the aggressor, please read my first post to you, my ex did the same thing. She wanted something permanent of the other man, she knew he would never be a good father but knew you would be. This was always going to be their secret.

 

Your always going to be cuckolded as long as the other man is in your lives. Go back and read the part where she says she felt like she needed to replace the daughter they gave up for adoption, might this explain why she initiated unprotected sex with him? Read again the part where he promised to pull out but didn't because he doesn't give a sh*t about you or the consequences his actions have brought into your life. Is there anything your wife can do that would make you say enough? Trust me when I say that from this day forward, every time you look at your daughter you will be reminded about the way she was conceived, you will still love her but not in the same way you will love your biological sons. He makes babies with your wife and you raise them.

 

I was in your position at one time. You need to be the one to decide when this all stops. You need to take yourself out of infidelity because she loves the other man and that can only mean more problems for you in the future. Talk to a lawyer because as her husband you are responsible(specially financially) for all the children she brings to the marriage, yours or not. The other man knows he has a hold on your wife and that is not going to go well for you. Is this the best you can do, we are talking the rest of your life.

[anika99]

If I were you (I understand you probably don't agree here), the best scenario would be to divorce your wife asap and get full custody of your boys, assuming you are their biological father. As for their affair daughter, I would continue to be in her life, be a loving figure to her and help her financially if needed. But I would let your wife have full custody of her — this is the only way you can cut your wife's ex out of your life as much as possible. Remember that you can't be a good father if you have to deal with your wife's ex and become a miserable person.

 

the bolded isn't true. the ex won't be interested in seeing his daughter if the OP gets custody of her. The only reason he bothers with either of his daughters is it keeps the OP's wife involved with him.

[lolablue17]

You say that beside this THING, your wife is a great mother, and a great wife. It's like you would say that Beside the holocaust Hitler was a great person, Or a husband who hit his wife once until she lost her consciousness, that beside that he is a great husband.

 

In my world, sometimes (rarely) people can be defined according to one event, and the THIS event belongs to that list.

 

A great wife - She is the exact opposite of being a great wife. She is the worst wife. She ruined your life INTENTIONALLY. According to her confession, she wanted to have his second daughter, she wanted to cheat, planned it, and performed it. She forced you to raise another man's child, by lying and deception. She used and uses you. She is with you, but desire to be with him (If he wanted, although never take responsibility by making a choice, but prefer to dance two parties.

 

A great mother. Only a monster getting pregnant intentionally from another man but her current husband. Because she has not only ruined your life, she intentionally ruined your daughter's life for the future. Your daughter will know the truth some day (The ex or her sister will tell her).

 

Do you know what an information like this might do to a child\teen ager\young woman? There's a chance that it will damage her soul. This is one of the worst things can happen to a person. To know that everybody lied to her and hid the truth. Not to mention the feeling that her true dad doesn't want her. Your wife got pregnant fro a man she knew very well that he won't want to raise her. Sge forced her daughter to be in this mess for ever. A great mom? Ha, please, i could laugh if it wasn't so sad.

 

A great mom is a mom, who her daghter can KNOW that she can count on. Who her daughter knows she will sacrifice her happiness, and even her life for her daughter. Your wife did the opposite. She sacrified her future daghter's happiness, for her own desires (She planned and performed pregnancy because she hoped this will make her ex to want her... UGHHH....)

 

A great mom is a safety net. Also an everage mom is a safety net. But your wife is the opposite. You know, a sit belt that sometimes works, but in an accident fails you and doesn't protect you - worth nothing, becayse this is the most important test. Your wife not only gets ZERO in that test, but gets minus points, for her behavior.

 

I don't imply about what you shoud do. It's your life and you're the one who will know what's best for you. But the news is that this is no one time event. The horrible event happen every day, right now.

 

Did she tell you she will do what ever it takes for you to stay? Ha. Meanwhile talking to you, she's talking to him, updating him with everything about you including your feelings, and privacy, without asking you if it bothers you.

 

I prefer the devil being dressed as a devil, and not dressed in a lovely woman's costume.

Edited January 18, 2017 by lolablue17

[Satu]

I've been reading this thread, but haven't felt like posting until now.

 

The word that sums this all up for me is 'conspiracy.'

 

The OP's wife, and her 'ex' who is more than an ex, have conspired to perpetrate a deliberate deception on the OP, for years.

 

If you put the OP's wife and her 'ex' in a glass, and stir it, what you get is pure poison.

 

Sorry to say it OP, but your wife is not a good woman. Nowhere near. She is a dishonest trickster, a liar, a cheat and a fraud.

 

If I were you I would divorce.

 

Be a good parent, but no more a husband.

 

They have been laughing behind your back for years.

 

Bring that laughter to an end.

 

Live your life in the daylight from now on.

 

 

Take care.

[BTDT2012]

So sorry your wife did this to you. Please DNA test your boys. Take your time, figure out what is best for you.

[JuneL]

the bolded isn't true. the ex won't be interested in seeing his daughter if the OP gets custody of her. The only reason he bothers with either of his daughters is it keeps the OP's wife involved with him.

 

I do understand this. Unfortunately, her ex's reluctance to have anything to do with his biological daughter has never stopped the wife from taking the daughter to see him and wanting him to "step up" (whatever that means). Even if her ex has no legal rights to the daughter, I am afraid the wife will continue to make sure there is some sort of "relationship" between them, in the hope that one day they will have a happy family.

 

Since their older (adopted) daughter already knew she has a full sister, I am starting to wonder if the younger daughter has any sort of "relationship" with the ex already. OP knows for a fact that the wife has been sending pictures of the younger daughter to her ex weekly and has been talking to her ex daily; was the daughter involved in these phone calls as well? Did the wife intend to have a "family reunion" when she took the younger daughter to those visits?

[AMarriedMan]

Friend, the other man doesn't want to be involved in raising your wife's affair child yet he was always more then ready to go with her to see their adopted daughter, why, because of the benefits that were included, sex with your wife. If your wife wanted to prevent a pregnancy all she needed to do was have him run down to the pharmacy for condoms(every hotel, motel has a condom machine somewhere). Cheaters always lie about using protection, the exchange of bodily fluids is a big part of the high they get. Your wife was the aggressor, please read my first post to you, my ex did the same thing. She wanted something permanent of the other man, she knew he would never be a good father but knew you would be. This was always going to be their secret.

 

Your always going to be cuckolded as long as the other man is in your lives. Go back and read the part where she says she felt like she needed to replace the daughter they gave up for adoption, might this explain why she initiated unprotected sex with him? Read again the part where he promised to pull out but didn't because he doesn't give a sh*t about you or the consequences his actions have brought into your life. Is there anything your wife can do that would make you say enough? Trust me when I say that from this day forward, every time you look at your daughter you will be reminded about the way she was conceived, you will still love her but not in the same way you will love your biological sons. He makes babies with your wife and you raise them.

 

I was in your position at one time. You need to be the one to decide when this all stops. You need to take yourself out of infidelity because she loves the other man and that can only mean more problems for you in the future. Talk to a lawyer because as her husband you are responsible(specially financially) for all the children she brings to the marriage, yours or not. The other man knows he has a hold on your wife and that is not going to go well for you. Is this the best you can do, we are talking the rest of your life.

 

This is spot on. There is no telling whether or not your crazy wife will try and become pregnant by her ex again as long as you remain married to her. To remove yourself from this mess and prevent further damage to yourself and all your children, it is necessary for you to divorce her. Based on everything, your wife is obsessed with the idea of having a family with her ex. In a highly abnormal way, she already has. One is raised by adoptive parents in an open adoption situation and another is raised by herself and you. The biological father of both raises none and has zero interest in raising anyone. Your wife's deepest desire is to live as one happy family with all her children and her ex under the same roof. Her actions demonstrate that she is incapable of accepting the reality of the situation.

 

The question is whether you should try to get sole custody of all the three children. You are obviously the more mentally stable and responsible one of the two of you.

[road]

After I logged out last night I realized that I never stated the obvious. Your WW has a mental issue/s to do such behavior two times. Then to lie and hide the truth.

 

 

This is why there is way more to the affair/s she has done. This is why I would find it very hard to recover with her.

 

 

OP, let us know what's up.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Vic, your story is a very sad one. Practically speaking you have been in an open marriage for 5(?) years without knowing it or agreeing to it.Divorcing your wife is a no brainer as there is just no justification for what she has done. She has made use of you as her safe haven for raising a family, one of the children of which, is not even yours. She has imposed a life of living a lie on you and whatever remorse she is displaying maybe genuine but is not enough to wipe off the deceit and lies that she has been dishing out to you over the years. This apart, the betrayal and backstabbing is just horrendous. One thing is certain. If you decide to reconcile with her you will always have to live with the fact that you have always been her second choice and that if her lover boy had just crooked his little finger at her and wiggled it slightly she would have gone like the wind and left you in her slipstream. If you take the time to ponder on your life with her in the years ahead, you will realize that you would be constantly thinking about whether she is thinking of her lover and whether she is really in love with you or just thinks of you as a meal ticket and an ATM card.

 

To my mind the choice facing you is not really difficult. You have not been married to her for very long. You do not have a very long and detailed history with her. Most importantly, you do not know whether she will remain loyal and monogamous with you in the years ahead. If you are able to accept lack of loyalty and non monogamity from her then and only then can you actually decide to stay for the rest of your life with her. Think deeply and seriously about your future action as it will impact your life in significant ways going ahead. Warm wishes.

[heartwhole]

I'll play the devil's advocate. (My background is as a BW if that's important.)

 

I think your wife has mostly told you the truth and that reconciliation is possible for you if you both choose it. Otherwise she wouldn't have said that she initiated the first time. She would have blamed it all on the OM. And she would have hedged her bets about you knowing about the daughter or even the daughter not being yours and denied at first. Instead she ran and got a letter that she'd been writing for years to give you at the first chance. Most wayward spouses deny and deflect at first. That doesn't excuse what she has done or mean she's any sort of exemplary person in this situation, but it does mean that she has wanted to be honest with you and seems to be taking the opportunity to be so now.

 

My husband and I are in a happy and healthy relationship now (almost two years since DD). It is possible if your spouse has the desire and tools to figure out why they acted out in that way and to work on those issues and on rebuilding trust. From what you've shared, your wife is further along the spectrum than many wayward spouses. There seems to be an urge to run her out of town on a rail, as the expression goes, from some betrayed spouses here, but when we haven't turned our marriage back into something healthy and wholesome then we probably can't speak to how that's done.

 

I know your world has been turned upside down and I wish you all the best as you figure out what is best for everyone involved.

[lolablue17]

I'll play the devil's advocate. (My background is as a BW if that's important.)

 

I think your wife has mostly told you the truth and that reconciliation is possible for you if you both choose it. Otherwise she wouldn't have said that she initiated the first time. She would have blamed it all on the OM. And she would have hedged her bets about you knowing about the daughter or even the daughter not being yours and denied at first. Instead she ran and got a letter that she'd been writing for years to give you at the first chance. Most wayward spouses deny and deflect at first. That doesn't excuse what she has done or mean she's any sort of exemplary person in this situation, but it does mean that she has wanted to be honest with you and seems to be taking the opportunity to be so now.

 

My husband and I are in a happy and healthy relationship now (almost two years since DD). It is possible if your spouse has the desire and tools to figure out why they acted out in that way and to work on those issues and on rebuilding trust. From what you've shared, your wife is further along the spectrum than many wayward spouses. There seems to be an urge to run her out of town on a rail, as the expression goes, from some betrayed spouses here, but when we haven't turned our marriage back into something healthy and wholesome then we probably can't speak to how that's done.

 

I know your world has been turned upside down and I wish you all the best as you figure out what is best for everyone involved.

 

I couldn't agree with you more if it was just the cheating.

In your reply your were refering only to the cheating part, and ignoring the rest. Well, you missed the whole point because I think that out of 100% of what she's done, the cheating part is 1%.

 

I was only talking about her horrible actions, not because I wanted to punish her for what she's done in the past, but because I think his future life is going to be a ongoing hell, regarding to her future behavior.

 

You know, my wife took my newspaper one morning, but now we have a happy marriage. My wife stealing my newspaper is like cheating, the same as your story is like the OP's story. your story shares only 1% in common with his.

 

Did your husband intentionally got pregnant from another woman and made your to believe that it's yours? Did your husband intentionally a made bastard baby, and by that sentenced her to a destiny with a parent that doesn't want her? Intentionally Sentenced her to be raised not by her biological parent? Does your husband has in the present obsession to his OW, having 2 daughters with her, each in different home? Is he in daily contact with the OW, updating her all about you? Is this the reality you're facing now? I suppose not...

 

All this wasn't happening out of mistake, but out of full intention to acheive a certain goal - To fulfill her selfish desire to get back with her ex, a desire that still exists with the same powerful level, as she admits.

 

Do you have any idea how to repair the damage? How can it be fixed? Please, lighten our eyed how to solve this.

Edited January 19, 2017 by lolablue17

[DKT3]

I'll play the devil's advocate. (My background is as a BW if that's important.)

 

I think your wife has mostly told you the truth and that reconciliation is possible for you if you both choose it. Otherwise she wouldn't have said that she initiated the first time. She would have blamed it all on the OM. And she would have hedged her bets about you knowing about the daughter or even the daughter not being yours and denied at first. Instead she ran and got a letter that she'd been writing for years to give you at the first chance. Most wayward spouses deny and deflect at first. That doesn't excuse what she has done or mean she's any sort of exemplary person in this situation, but it does mean that she has wanted to be honest with you and seems to be taking the opportunity to be so now.

 

My husband and I are in a happy and healthy relationship now (almost two years since DD). It is possible if your spouse has the desire and tools to figure out why they acted out in that way and to work on those issues and on rebuilding trust. From what you've shared, your wife is further along the spectrum than many wayward spouses. There seems to be an urge to run her out of town on a rail, as the expression goes, from some betrayed spouses here, but when we haven't turned our marriage back into something healthy and wholesome then we probably can't speak to how that's done.

 

I know your world has been turned upside down and I wish you all the best as you figure out what is best for everyone involved.

 

Her story is extremely weak, and most likely minimized a great deal. .

 

But the logic you use, I see from the opposite direction. Her saying she when after OM could serve to make him seem like less of a threat, . Remember, this isn't a spare of the moment situation for her, she has had years to prepare for this moment. For me her showing all of the rewritten letters would make me not believe a word, she's been practicing for years.

 

Know would she have ever told? Not likely, why? No remorse, were there remorse you would have at least limited contact. I mean neither of them were active in the older childs life so that much communication was unnecessary.

 

I see (personally) very little redeemable here. I mean she even told him "I would want to to leave to be with him, but I won't" well thanks dear full stream ahead, let's fix this marriage....OP, time to cut bait better fish in the next pond

[JuneL]

I agree with this post. Another serious concern is that, if you reconcile with your wife after such a deep level of betrayal, your kids and your wife may lose respect for you deep down (not that your wife has much to begin with).

 

I couldn't agree with you more if it was just the cheating.

In your reply your were refering only to the cheating part, and ignoring the rest. Well, you missed the whole point because I think that out of 100% of what she's done, the cheating part is 1%.

 

I was only talking about her horrible actions, not because I wanted to punish her for what she's done in the past, but because I think his future life is going to be a ongoing hell, regarding to her future behavior.

 

You know, my wife took my newspaper one morning, but now we have a happy marriage. My wife stealing my newspaper is like cheating, the same as your story is like the OP's story. your story shares only 1% in common with his.

 

Did your husband intentionally got pregnant from another woman and made your to believe that it's yours? Did your husband intentionally a made bastard baby, and by that sentenced her to a destiny with a parent that doesn't want her? Intentionally Sentenced her to be raised not by her biological parent? Does your husband has in the present obsession to his OW, having 2 daughters with her, each in different home? Is he in daily contact with the OW, updating her all about you? Is this the reality you're facing now? I suppose not...

 

All this wasn't happening out of mistake, but out of full intention to acheive a certain goal - To fulfill her selfish desire to get back with her ex, a desire that still exists with the same powerful level, as she admits.

 

Do you have any idea how to repair the damage? How can it be fixed? Please, lighten our eyed how to solve this.

Edited January 19, 2017 by JuneL

[italianjob]

I'll play the devil's advocate. (My background is as a BW if that's important.)

 

I think your wife has mostly told you the truth and that reconciliation is possible for you if you both choose it. Otherwise she wouldn't have said that she initiated the first time. She would have blamed it all on the OM. And she would have hedged her bets about you knowing about the daughter or even the daughter not being yours and denied at first. Instead she ran and got a letter that she'd been writing for years to give you at the first chance. Most wayward spouses deny and deflect at first. That doesn't excuse what she has done or mean she's any sort of exemplary person in this situation, but it does mean that she has wanted to be honest with you and seems to be taking the opportunity to be so now.

 

My husband and I are in a happy and healthy relationship now (almost two years since DD). It is possible if your spouse has the desire and tools to figure out why they acted out in that way and to work on those issues and on rebuilding trust. From what you've shared, your wife is further along the spectrum than many wayward spouses. There seems to be an urge to run her out of town on a rail, as the expression goes, from some betrayed spouses here, but when we haven't turned our marriage back into something healthy and wholesome then we probably can't speak to how that's done.

 

I know your world has been turned upside down and I wish you all the best as you figure out what is best for everyone involved.

 

I don't agree at all...

 

To have a real reconciliation you need:

 

1. To be able to get over what happened. Here we have a woman who CONSCIOUSLY decided to have a baby with a man other than her husband, offering imbecilic motivations, and CONSCIOUSLY commiting paternity fraud. It's not not so much the cheating but the ****ed up thinking that is behind it. IMO it's impossible to correct that thinking and what happened would take a Saint to forgive...

 

2. That your WS is not exposed to temptation anymore, so NC with AP. Here that is impossible Bc they have children together. So you should be there every time they meet and monitor her communications. No one should be forced to be a policeman for the rest of their life...

 

3. The knowledge that the betrayal happened bc circumstances have made it possible and if those have been or can be removed the chances of it happening again drop down to very low.

In this case we see that OP's wife seems to think that her reasoning proved wrong but was legit.

So what happens if in a few years time she decides she want to try a third time?

This is not a mistake, she actually tought it was a good and legit idea.

[road]

I'll play the devil's advocate. (My background is as a BW if that's important.)

 

I think your wife has mostly told you the truth and that reconciliation is possible for you if you both choose it. Otherwise she wouldn't have said that she initiated the first time. She would have blamed it all on the OM. And she would have hedged her bets about you knowing about the daughter or even the daughter not being yours and denied at first. Instead she ran and got a letter that she'd been writing for years to give you at the first chance. Most wayward spouses deny and deflect at first. That doesn't excuse what she has done or mean she's any sort of exemplary person in this situation, but it does mean that she has wanted to be honest with you and seems to be taking the opportunity to be so now.

 

My husband and I are in a happy and healthy relationship now (almost two years since DD). It is possible if your spouse has the desire and tools to figure out why they acted out in that way and to work on those issues and on rebuilding trust. From what you've shared, your wife is further along the spectrum than many wayward spouses. There seems to be an urge to run her out of town on a rail, as the expression goes, from some betrayed spouses here, but when we haven't turned our marriage back into something healthy and wholesome then we probably can't speak to how that's done.

 

I know your world has been turned upside down and I wish you all the best as you figure out what is best for everyone involved.

 

 

She told her BH that because she needs a beta drone to provide financial support. She is crazy but not stupid for she knows that men will not want a women as a wife that has four children, the last one of them an OC and the first child is the OC's full sister.

[sandylee1]

I'll play the devil's advocate. (My background is as a BW if that's important.)

 

I think your wife has mostly told you the truth and that reconciliation is possible for you if you both choose it.

 

 

.

 

I agree that she's mostly been truthful. Many in her position would have said the pregnancy was accidental and because they'd tried to conceive for a while, she didn't want to terminate it.

 

She came clean, effectively telling her husband that he is her second choice, because the first choice and man she chose to father her daughter isn't interested in being a dad doesn't want a relationship with her.

 

 

So she will stay with the better father and role model.

 

At present, the Ex doesn't want to be a dad or be in a committed relationship. Should that change..

she would be gone in a flash.

 

This wasn't just about having sex with another man, it was about wanting his baby to hook him in.

 

Reconciling with someone who has settled for you and had no qualms putting you through years of deceit, while knowing she'd be out of there if her Ex clicked his fingers, can't be where any husband wants to be.

 

He can't compete with her Ex in the mind of his wife and every husband should be his wife's first choice and vice versa.

 

I also agree with the poster who said it will/could cause her to loose respect for the OP.

[Jersey born raised]

Respect for her husband, her marriage, or marriage?

[sandylee1]

Respect for her husband, her marriage, or marriage?

 

She lost respect for the marriage a long time ago.

 

 

There's been a lot of harsh names towards the OPs wife and understandably so, it's a terrible thing to do, however, on reflection, I see this is a woman who just never stopped loving her Ex and would do anything to get him back.

 

She thought she had a chance to get him back by having his baby, but it didn't go according to plan.

 

They say love makes you do really stupid thoughtless things and this is a classic example of that here.

[JuneL]

 

What is the family background of your wife like? Twelve years old and in a sexual relationship with a budding sociopath? Why didn't her parents stop her? Child protective services must have been involved at the time she gave birth to her first daughter and when she put her up for adoption. Why didn't they do anything?

 

 

I was wondering the same...

[oldshirt]

Let's not romanticize this or give it flowery names.

 

This was not an act of undying love nor a romantic obcession.

 

This was an act of fraud, deception and exploitation. This was an act of extreme self-service that will bring great heartache and dispair to many innocent people.

This was an act of bad character that has caused great harm to her own family.

 

This was evil.

 

Let's not romanticize it make it out to be like some lost lovers in a Lifetime Network movie who couldn't stay away from each other.

 

Someone needs to look into this deeper to see if any laws were broken in their location and see if there is any criminal or civil action that can be taken.

[JuneL]

I agree with this post. Another serious concern is that, if you reconcile with your wife after such a deep level of betrayal, your kids and your wife may lose respect for you deep down (not that your wife has much to begin with).

 

Another related observation: you wife seems to be attracted to the "bad boy" type (from your description of her ex). So it's very likely that the more accommodating you are to her, the less she is attracted to you. And that explains why she has totally taken you for granted and totally taken advantage of your kindness.

[oldlion]

I think your wife loves you but I think she loves her EX more. The question would she leave you if her EX wanted her back and her answer of "no" but I would "want to", speaks volumes about where her emotions are. I think you are her second, but best choice, because you are everything the EX isn't. You are a good provider, a good father, a good husband, and you are stable and secure. You love your children and will always be there for them. She sees and understands this. If it were me I would want to know who she is "in Love" with. If she loves her EX more but still wants to hold on to you and you want to stay with her, because of your family, then to protect yourself you have to only love her the way she loves you. Hard to do but possible. Basically you make her a "friend with benefits". If her EX is a career soldier there will come a time when he will retire from the military. You said they broke up because he joined the military and didn't want her to live that lifestyle and she waited years for him to change his mind. What happens if he retires and decides he wants her back? You have a lot of questions you need to ask your wife and get truthful answers from her. If it were me I would still stay married and live with her but I would start protecting myself against the future. One more piece of advice...never again let her be anywhere near her EX without you being there. I wish you well.