I don't think my daughter is mine

[VicHri]

My wife's ex is 3 years older. No, I don't believe that is a crime here. My wife said years ago that it was the ex's idea to get pregnant as teenagers. After her daughter was born he wanted to go back to unprotected sex. Unless I'm mistaken, she had another pregnancy in her late teens that resulted in miscarriage(?). I believe that is the correct word. Her parents were not aware that she was in a relationship until she got pregnant.

 

My wife gave me access to her cellphone that has a years worth of texts between them, and her facebook that has nearly 10 years of messages between them. I didn't read through all of them but I skimmed and I saw nothing that indicated they had sex around the time of the visits with their adopted daughter. The dynamic was almost the same each year.

 

The amount of visits has changed over the years but the pattern is the same. Leading up to the visit he messages her more often. A lot of messages for a few weeks then he initiated intimate conversations and asking for nudity pictures. It appears that my wife said no, ignored or wouldn't "play along". After the visit the messages would stop and slowly pick back up closer to the next visit. The same pattern repeating. (I asked my wife of this today and she responded that she didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to lose visits with her daughter).

 

Near the time my daughter was conceived the pre-visit messages involved a lot of reminiscing, initiated by the ex. My wife was actively involved in the conversation that time. He said how he would do it differently in the past, things of that nature. After the visit there was a message from her ex that said if she keeps the baby a judge would want to keep her adopted daughter closer with more contact for siblings. Adoption here is not like American adoption, bonds are strongly encouraged and many times rights aren't given away but rather shared custody.

 

My wife gave me medical papers that say she has been on medications for the last 9 months. This might not be the proper names, I had to look it up but "mood stabilizer" and "anti-depressant". As well has began seeing a psych a month ago.

 

 

I am trying to find the place between being smart and trusting my wife. "Trusting my wife" feels stupid to say at this point. I don't know who my wife is. Anything I have asked her she has told me or provided me. I am taking time away from her to think but it is harder than I thought. I hoped the answer would just come to me of what I'm supposed to do.

 

I did ask her, if her ex wanted her back and to have their family would she leave and she responded with the equivalent of "no, he's like a bad addiction." Which is what she meant when she said she would want to leave but wouldn't. Like she's a drug addict and that's her drug.

 

I'd rather wish she would just leave on her own and make this easier.

[sandylee1]

The ability to love keeps you from doing stupid thoughtless things that could hurt another person when you only stand to gain something for yourself. You are talking about obsession.

 

I won't disagree with you. It's obsessive love and that's the kind of love that leads some people to to do crazy things to the extent of breaking the law.

 

They would do anything for the person they are obsessed about, although in this case, the Ex didn't ask her to have a baby, she just interpreted his comments wrongly and made her decision.

[BluesPower]

I know that you are really confused right now, but you cannot let this stand.

 

You will never have your self respect back if you stay with her. Better to cut the cord and start a new life.

 

Brother, this is just about as bad as it gets. It just is. You have got to move one. The fact that you are even thinking about taking her back is amazing.

 

She is an adult, she does not love you and she betrayed you in the worse possible way.

 

If you stay with her, I promise you will regret it. Please don't...

[sandylee1]

My wife's ex is 3 years older. No, I don't believe that is a crime here.

 

My wife said years ago that it was the ex's idea to get pregnant as teenagers. After her daughter was born he wanted to go back to unprotected sex.

 

Aahh. Anything to please him and keep him. He wanted her to get pregnant and then he didn't want the child? Why?

 

Then if one accepts the first time was a childish mistake, he continued wanting unprotected sex, with no regard for her having the stress of a teenage pregnancy and giving her daughter up for adoption.

 

Unless I'm mistaken, she had another pregnancy in her late teens that resulted in miscarriage(?)

 

He is a very manipulative, nasty wicked man and has always taken advantage of your wife's unconditional love for him.

 

He's put himself and his career over her every time. He doesn't love her, he just likes the power he has over her and her willingness to do whatever he asks her to do.

 

It's too bad she never wised up to that.

 

He said how he would do it differently in the past, things of that nature.

 

She took this very literally and put her plan in motion. I believe he probably said that, but not meaning he'd want a child with her now.

 

I am trying to find the place between being smart and trusting my wife. "Trusting my wife" feels stupid to say at this point. I don't know who my wife is. Anything I have asked her she has told me or provided me. I am taking time away from her to think but it is harder than I thought. I hoped the answer would just come to me of what I'm supposed to do.

 

I did ask her, if her ex wanted her back and to have their family would she leave and she responded with the equivalent of "no, he's like a bad addiction." Which is what she meant when she said she would want to leave but wouldn't. Like she's a drug addict and that's her drug.

 

I'd rather wish she would just leave on her own and make this easier.

 

He's definitely her drug. No doubt about that. The problem is that drug addicts suffer from relapses, especially if they are in contact with their drug.

 

In order not to relapse, it means not coming in contact with the drug, because the temptation is too great.

 

Your last paragraph.... She's not going to leave you and struggle being a single parent. She has in you a good husband who loves her, a good father and provider. Let me tell you, no woman in their right mind would walk away from that to be on their own.

 

I really feel for you and your pain, but with what you've said here, I do feel sorry for your wife as well. She's been used over and over by her Ex, but kept going back for more, till he dumped her and went to military.

 

I understand why she's not in a good place mentally. For her, she's been rejected time and again by her Ex. A man she loved and did things she didn't really want to please him, yet it still wasn't enough for him.

 

 

She'll think she's not good enough and this will no doubt impact on her mental health.

 

Giving a child up for adoption is especially hard for the mother and this and other things, have impacted on her.

 

If the truth be told, I think she had a lot more 'issues' when you met her than you realised.

 

Please note that I'm not condoning her behaviour, I'm saying these things from a counselling type perspective and not as me the individual, because if this happened to my brother, I'd be telling him to leave her and wouldn't be quite so analytical about it or be looking deeper into what made her do it.

[JuneL]

"My wife gave me medical papers that say she has been on medications for the last 9 months. This might not be the proper names, I had to look it up but "mood stabilizer" and "anti-depressant". As well has began seeing a psych a month ago."

 

She never shared with you she is on anti-depressant during the whole 9 months?

Your wife seems to be hiding much from you, and you don't seem to know your wife that well.

[JuneL]

It is clear OP has no self respect for himself. And he needs to be shown that. No man would allow or accept this level of betrayal. Staying shouldn't even be in discussion at this point. OP is in denial and he needs a reality check. He may not be the cause of this mess but he is certainly enabler, which is evident with his reaction... or shall I say lack of reaction.

 

While I don't agree with the tone of this post, I am afraid I don't completely disagree with its content.

 

OP, you said her ex is like a drug to your wife. I am starting to wonder if your wife is not like a drug to you.

Edited January 20, 2017 by JuneL

[JuneL]

"My wife gave me medical papers that say she has been on medications for the last 9 months. This might not be the proper names, I had to look it up but "mood stabilizer" and "anti-depressant". As well has began seeing a psych a month ago."

 

She never shared with you she is on anti-depressant during the whole 9 months?

Your wife seems to be hiding much from you, and you don't seem to know your wife that well.

 

Just wanted to add that: the more your wife plays the victim card, the more manipulative she appears.

 

Has your relationship been always one in which you are trying to "save" her?

[road]

She lost respect for the marriage a long time ago.

 

 

There's been a lot of harsh names towards the OPs wife and understandably so, it's a terrible thing to do, however, on reflection, I see this is a woman who just never stopped loving her Ex and would do anything to get him back.

 

She thought she had a chance to get him back by having his baby, but it didn't go according to plan.

 

They say love makes you do really stupid thoughtless things and this is a classic example of that here.

 

 

 

Not love but insane action done by a crazy WW.

[road]

Yes the OM is the WW drug. It is that way always with affairs. This is why NC is a must with all ex's. This story is an example of what happens when there is no NC between the ex's.

[italianjob]

 

I am trying to find the place between being smart and trusting my wife.

 

I don't think that is possible after what happened and how she explained (!?!) it.

 

Either you are dumb and you trust her or you are smart and never trust her again.

 

There's no way around it, It's one or the other...

 

You try to be the best daddy you can be but divorce her or keep your distance or you get ready to raise a plethora of children by your wife and her ex.

 

Your choice...

[kgcolonel]

I'll likely get roasted here but i think it is worth the idea of looking at this from a different angle. From what i read, V deep down really wants to keep the family intact. He loves his wife and may be willing to accept that there is an addiction / obsession with the OM. If it were drugs, i doubt it would be viewed the same as we don't feel the betrayal the same with a drug addition as we do the OM addiction.

 

That being said, let's not forget the other two boys who will be affected by a split between V and his wife. They and the daughter are fully innocent. If there is a split, there likelyhood of the OM spending more time with the youngest D and the two boys is significantly increased as surely, no matter what the W says, she will run to him to feed her addiction and thus exposing the kids to that worthless P@S.

 

I personally am triggered by the dual betrayal of the W so this is not easy for me to say but I think that H should give forgiveness a really hard attempt. V, you need to decide what you need from your W to show you her Remorse, what she will do to Repair the R, What she will do to ensure this never happens again and that you are indeed her first choice.

 

From what i have read, it sounds as though she would not hesitate to do these things. This is for the family / kids not so much for her or you V but putting the kids first which is what parents should be doing anyway.

 

To the others, I realized that this is contrary to the other posts and may be like petting a dog in the wrong direction but my focus in on the kiddos first and I see this as being the best for the boys and little girl.

 

KG

[Timshel]

Being brave and staying on a higher road is usually not the easiest path, that's for sure.

[lolablue17]

Dear OP - can NC between her and the OM is possible? (Not even texts)

 

(My sister is divorced with children, and has full NC with her Ex husband). All visitation arrangements are set through a third party.

[DKT3]

The way I see it, if your wife was like I love you, you are the man I want, I could understand you being willing to make the best of the situation. That isn't what you have. What you have is a woman saying I want him, I love him, but he isn't willing or able to provide the way you can so I'm staying with you. Couple of issues is, she has admitted to you that he doesn't want a relationship or to be a father. So really is it her decision to stay with you or is it her not having the option to be with him.

 

The part that confuses me is her sending you the message that her love and attraction for him is uncontrollable, yet she has been able to control it....Which is it? This is way I believe she isn't being honest about the sex. I believe she has sex on command with this guy and likely has your entire marriage We had a WW here just a month or so ago that spoke about a very sexual affair is me she called all sexual. But admits she and OM never tested about sex I believe her affair was some five years. They would meet up have sex have mundane communication until the next time they had sex, her point was she wasn't leaving a trail. Your wife re didn't leave a trail, don't mean she wasn't using that road.

[JuneL]

Dear OP - can NC between her and the OM is possible? (Not even texts)

 

(My sister is divorced with children, and has full NC with her Ex husband). All visitation arrangements are set through a third party.

 

Sadly, I tend to believe that the wife will become very resentful if she is forced to have no contact with her ex.

 

A previous poster cautioned against divorce due to its negative effects on their boys. If the guys in this thread are any indication, I tend to believe the boys will grow up to very resentful if the OP chooses to stay with his wife after such a deep level of betrayal and knowing you were NEVER her top choice (and there is no guarantee the betrayal will stop and you will become her top choice).

Edited January 20, 2017 by JuneL

[lolablue17]

Sadly, I tend to believe that the wife will become very resentful if she is forced to have no contact with her ex.

 

A previous poster cautioned against divorce due to its negative effects on their boys. If the guys in this thread are any indication, I tend to believe the boys will grow up to very resentful if the OP chooses to stay with his wife after such a deep level of betrayal and knowing you were NEVER her top choice (and there is no guarantee the betrayal will stop and you will become her top choice).

 

Well, in this situation there is no perfect solution. Every solution must has it's toll.

 

I can think of 2 realistic solution.

 

1. To stay - If he wishes to forgive, mainly for his children. In that scenario she must cut ALL contact with the OM. She defines it as an addiction - so she must go through a rehab.

 

The only cost - She will visit her adopted daughter only every second visit (So she won't have to see or contact him ever again).

 

It's not a perfect world, but may i remind that her daughter already has a loving family, so the price is minimum, if you put it against splitting her main family, all 3 children. But any moving forward must cut this addiction immediately, from today!

 

2. A unique divorce.

 

This cost some money. Did she say she is willing to do what ever he wants? Is she is willing to pay some price for the misery she caused everyone? Well, it's time to test her statement, and see if she is serious. The headline of my idea is - Children come first, then the OP, and she comes last priority.

 

My idea - They will divorce and she sign this agreement: She will move out to a flat very near. She will be allowed to stay visit the children in their house every day until bed time, after that she will go and sleep at her flat.

 

Her visitations rights will of course will be subject to age changes (When his daughter is 16, she can go to her mother who lives very near).

 

This solution makes sense because:

A. It almost doesn't change the children daily routine.

B. He can move forward with his life, while staying in amicable terms with his ex.

C. Yes, she is the one who pays most of the price. But it's only fair because she is no innocent and because it's all her fault. If she doesn't agree to that, it means, her words worth really nothing, and I'd go for a full divorce.

Edited January 20, 2017 by lolablue17

[bluefeather]

I'd rather wish she would just leave on her own and make this easier.

 

So she can do all of this to you and your children, but you'd need her to walk away from you too? Treating you like the biggest idiot is not enough? It sounds like she is not the only one with an addiction. Wake up.

[road]

Something to think on:

The WW only fertile once every three months.

The BH always took quite a while to get his WW pregnant.

The OM only does WW twice on the same day and hits the bulls eye.

This to me is proof that the WW had been having sex with the OM

way more times over a larger period of time then she has admitted to.

[sandylee1]

Something to think on:

The WW only fertile once every three months.

The BH always took quite a while to get his WW pregnant.

The OM only does WW twice on the same day and hits the bulls eye.

This to me is proof that the WW had been having sex with the OM way more times over a larger period of time then she has admitted to .

 

 

How is that proof?

 

Conception is also determined by the man (and the quality of his sperm).

[JS84]

She had a daughter who she passed off as yours for years and only confessed when it was obvious she was caught. If you hadn't have sat her down and spoken with her the way you did, she was never going to tell you anything. She's still head over heels for her ex. So much so that she had another child with him while married to you and was kind enough to inform him (again, not you).

 

To be blunt, it sounds like the only reason your wife is not with him is he doesn't want her. Why should he? He gets to **** her, have her pop out his babies who he can claim and discard as he pleases, have some other guy pick up the tab, and all he has to do is keep being himself. As DKT3 alluded to, I'm sure he's been ****ing her while you've been married, maybe for years. It sounds like your wife was just smart enough not to do or say anything online or on her phone that could make HER look bad. Her ex probably just didn't give a ****. I doubt she just happened to get pregnant by him after one or two sex sessions.

 

You think your wife isn't that sharp. Honestly, she sounds a lot sharper than you do. You're basically your wife's Plan B and it sounds like that's all you'll ever be to her, raising another man's daughter, while your wife still pines for your daughters real father. All she had to do was give you a letter and some half assed story and you look like you're getting your dancing shoes ready for the pick me dance.

 

I feel there is a special place in hell for women like your wife who knowingly pass off someone else's child as their husband's/partner's/some other man.

 

You need to ask yourself how many lines your wife has to cross, how badly she has to humiliate you, lie to you, and betray you before you say enough. Have you even spoken to a divorce lawyer to consider your options?

Edited January 21, 2017 by JS84

[VicHri]

My wife and I are going to remain separated. This time is crucial for our marriage. Either she will run back to her ex or not. If she goes back to him once the marriage is done. She needs to stay in therapy. I need the time away from her right now. She needs to figure out what she really wants. We agreed on a schedule for the kids. We have to be separated for 2 years to divorce.

 

Something to think on:

The WW only fertile once every three months.

The BH always took quite a while to get his WW pregnant.

The OM only does WW twice on the same day and hits the bulls eye.

This to me is proof that the WW had been having sex with the OM

way more times over a larger period of time then she has admitted to.

 

I understand where you are coming from, but it's not accurate. My wife has had 4 pregnancies (by me, to the best of my knowledge). 2 miscarriages and our 2 sons. Each was conceived the first time she ovulated/first try when she was fertile. After that we tried for 3 years, she got pregnant by her ex, then we have been trying for the previous 3 years as well. The more likely outcome is an issue with my sperm that came up in the last 6 years. She gets pregnant "at the drop of a hat".

[JuneL]

My wife and I are going to remain separated. This time is crucial for our marriage. Either she will run back to her ex or not. If she goes back to him once the marriage is done. She needs to stay in therapy. I need the time away from her right now. She needs to figure out what she really wants. We agreed on a schedule for the kids. We have to be separated for 2 years to divorce.

 

 

- How do you define "goes back to him once"? Does it include email/text/phone contact?

 

- May I ask how you remain separated, practically. Did you move out of your house while your wife stayed?

 

- "She needs to figure out what she really wants." What?! Please take control of your life and the lives of your kids.

 

OP, I am sorry that some of us sounded a little tough in some of our posts. But please understand that most of us (even though I don't know the other posters personally) just feel strongly that you deserve much better and are trying to give you some "tough love", for lack of a better term. I wish you all the best!

[Timshel]

My wife and I are going to remain separated. This time is crucial for our marriage. Either she will run back to her ex or not. If she goes back to him once the marriage is done. She needs to stay in therapy. I need the time away from her right now. She needs to figure out what she really wants. We agreed on a schedule for the kids. We have to be separated for 2 years to divorce.

 

Good. This is good.

 

What about you? You need to talk to someone also. Is there anyone that you are able to tell the whole truth that is safe....that you don't have to think about how it will effect your wife or kids while you are uncertain.

 

Vic, you need a face to face person to let it go with. Do you have that?

[Pill]

In order for this to be forgiven the reconciliation would need to come from a source of strength from both parties. Strength from the cheated in order to re-exert dominance, draw lines and reinforce intolerance deceit at the risk of truly walking away. Strength from the cheater in order evaluate motivations for cheating, avoid the driving factors and re-affirm the respect for your relationship to the other parties. Strength is saying I can walk away, but I will stay because we have what it takes in order to not only overcome but reinforce the boundaries in our marriage. Boundaries that if broken again will definitively cause everything to crumble once and for all.

 

But clearly there is nothing but weakness throughout this entire situation. If you get back with her it won't be due to strength allowing you to retake control of the situation, it would be you returning with your tail between your legs hoping the years of being her rug will cause her to have pity. It's weakness on her end since she has not the least bit of respect for you that she will forever see you as nothing more than the cuck who's raising the child of the man she wants to be with. Even the other man respects you so little he continuously flirts and disregards your marriage. And your kids will see you as a doormat who can't exert dominance over his own home.

 

So please, for your sake, the wife's and most importantly the kids, end this travesty. She wasn't honest with you because of regret, she would rather have nothing more than you remain ignorant. She knew you were on her tail so she concocted a story and rehearsed it because she knew you were weak and would buy it. Respect is something that always non returnable like a car once it's taken off the lot. The respect from her drove away long time ago, hold on to the respect you have for yourself while you still have the keys. That's if you have any in the first place, which judging by the fact you're still questioning reconciling I'm willing to bet no.

Edited January 21, 2017 by Pill

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Vichri,

 

So you are separating to divorce? Or separating and if you decide to divorce it will count towards the two years.

 

What are the terms of this separation. What do your children know?

 

Does at least her family know?

 

Do they support reconciliation?