sandylee1 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 My wife and I are going to remain separated. This time is crucial for our marriage. Either she will run back to her ex or not But she can't run back to him when he doesn't want her. At least not for more than casual sex. If she goes back to him once the marriage is done. How do you define go back? Because she's never actually gone back to him. Do you mean if she has sex with him that the marriage is done? She needs to stay in therapy. I need the time away from her right now. She needs to figure out what she really wants. I thought that was obvious. She really wants her Ex, but he doesn't want her. In the absence of him as an option, she'll make do with you. ...... tried for 3 years, she got pregnant by her ex, then we have been trying for the previous 3 years as well. The more likely outcome is an issue with my sperm that came up in the last 6 years. She gets pregnant "at the drop of a hat". Like your wife, I too got pregnant the first time during ovulation with all my children. However, for this not to happen after you trying for 3 years.... Sounds like you're right about a problem suddenly developing with your sperm.. But you're a young healthy man who's had no fertility issues in the past.... So why the sudden difficulties in conceiving? I'm leaning more towards her secretly taking contraception or lying to you about when she's ovulating. All because she really wanted to have his baby and not yours. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Slimlady Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Mannnn If my man found out our son wasn't his, he'd kill me!!! he wouldn't be waiting to "calm down and talk about it". He wouldn't even consider staying with me. I'm sitting here reading all of OPs responses with my jaw open ?? If you won't have some self respect, she won't respect you believe me... i mean she's being brutally honest with you finally... about her wanting the other man and you being her second choice and you're ok with it??? She's been using you this whole time and you're trying to find excuses to why she did such a HORRIBLE thing? Like someone said this post gotta be fake. No man would be sitting there and talking to his wife when she 1.cheated 2. Had a baby by another man 3. Lied to you 4. Tell you straight to your face she's addicted to another man ??*♀️ 3 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I understand where you are coming from, but it's not accurate. My wife has had 4 pregnancies (by me, to the best of my knowledge). 2 miscarriages and our 2 sons. Each was conceived the first time she ovulated/first try when she was fertile. After that we tried for 3 years, she got pregnant by her ex, then we have been trying for the previous 3 years as well. The more likely outcome is an issue with my sperm that came up in the last 6 years. She gets pregnant "at the drop of a hat". When all the facts and evidence are factored in, I think Sandy's explanation is a little more plausible. Good chance she was secretly using some kind of contraception until the time was right to get with OM. My guess if you were to have your swimmers examined by a fertility specialist, you would be given a clean bill of health and told you are fine. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
impasse Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Somewhere in the beginning of the thread the OP even suggested she may have used birth control to control who she got pregnant by. It would be odd to easily conceive for 2-3 years then not be able to at all for 6 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 There is no doubt that OP entered a horrible situation when he met his wife. Men and women come to LS every day with situations that cause objective people to say wtheck in their best advisable posts. OP has a heavy weight on his shoulders if he is legit. The kids in this situation are innocent and do most of all need stability and unconditional love. OP, I hope that you are seeking therapy for yourself....take as much time as you need to have clarity, gain strength and live in truth. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 My wife and I are going to remain separated. This time is crucial for our marriage. Either she will run back to her ex or not. If she goes back to him once the marriage is done. She needs to stay in therapy. I need the time away from her right now. She needs to figure out what she really wants. We agreed on a schedule for the kids. We have to be separated for 2 years to divorce. I understand where you are coming from, but it's not accurate. My wife has had 4 pregnancies (by me, to the best of my knowledge). 2 miscarriages and our 2 sons. Each was conceived the first time she ovulated/first try when she was fertile. After that we tried for 3 years, she got pregnant by her ex, then we have been trying for the previous 3 years as well. The more likely outcome is an issue with my sperm that came up in the last 6 years. She gets pregnant "at the drop of a hat". VicHri, I for one, respect your decision and your path forward. I hope it works out for you and your wife is able to meet the your requirements. This take real strength, and your time alone or modified should give you the space to sort things out. I think you have done well. Only advise, is to please write down what the rules are, and make sure she knows them. Also have rules for yourself and abide by them. You have chosen a hard path, and your thought in one post that you wish she would leave and just decide for you, is normal. I know that in your mind you will go back and fourth many times. Carve out time to talk about this with your wife. Make sure you both are able to learn to communicate, even if it means you may hurt the other. This was a big hurtful thing, when she got pregnant , but it grew because of her lies. The lies themselves hurt. I have been trying to have my wife learn that even if she messes up, it is always best to own it immediately, and not cover up. Covering up just makes thing bigger and add to the pain and hurt. I can always deal with something that just happen much better, then trying to piece together something in the past. Please keep posting. Many of us here have reconciled, and we may have insights. I will state that yours will be one of the hardest, but I do not think you shirk from hard work. The reward for you will be a intact family, and that is something to work hard for. My last comment is; I know you are not that type of man to take anything out on your daughter. She is the one innocent in all this, and if you ever think or find you are treating her different, find help. I state this, as sometimes we do things that we do not know we are doing. Just be on your guard for this. Know that you are the man in her life, and that in the end, your love for her, and hers for you is a gift from god. It is also a duty of a man to protect the children in their care. I wish you all the luck you need........ Link to post Share on other sites
Author VicHri Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 Sometimes I have to step back from this thread and gather my own thoughts and make up my own mind. It is easy to grab the negative opinions and run with them. I need to make sure I'm making the decision because I truly want to, and not because I've read it so much that it's locked in my mind. When I think about "Why do I want to stay with my wife? Is it for the right reasons?" I come up with: My kids and unpleasant consequences of divorce. My kids need stability, they aren't going to get that when I'm with my wife. With two homes, at least they will have it at least half the time. Unpleasant consequences, well this is unpleasant too. The mandatory legal separation is 2 years before divorce. In 2 years we will be divorced, unless some magic happens and she ends all contact permanently and I feel like the marriage is salvageable. After 2 years, time's up. I have spoken to a lawyer again. My wife knows the rules. If she wants any chance at salvaging the marriage she can't have any contact with her ex. No calls, no texts, no messaging, no visits. There is only one more visit scheduled with her daughter before she goes to university, she either goes alone or misses it. Too bad. If her ex wants to see our daughter he can contact me. She is to block him on everything and change her number. I have access to everything of hers. Her story better stay the same. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 My wife knows the rules. If she wants any chance at salvaging the marriage she can't have any contact with her ex. No calls, no texts, no messaging, no visits. These are good rules. What was her response to these conditions? Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 (edited) My wife knows the rules. If she wants any chance at salvaging the marriage she can't have any contact with her ex. No calls, no texts, no messaging, no visits. You can't keep her locked in a cage, so what are you going to do to make sure she follows these "rules," trust her word? Is she restricted from using the internet? Edited January 22, 2017 by bluefeather 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Just because you finely wised up doesn't mean it's over. They've been together for years and have a child together. They'll just go underground. I think you're in denial of the full truth. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Hi Vic, how do you intend to monitor whether she does not or does contact her Ex if you are living apart? Seems a little difficult to me. The simplest thing is to just go ahead with the divorce process and not hold out hope for her for a reconciliation. If she is so infatuated with with her Ex she will find ways and means to meet up with him irrespective of what you do. Quite frankly this is a lost case and you would do well to be rid of her. Best wishes. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Sometimes I have to step back from this thread and gather my own thoughts and make up my own mind. It is easy to grab the negative opinions and run with them. I need to make sure I'm making the decision because I truly want to, and not because I've read it so much that it's locked in my mind. When I think about "Why do I want to stay with my wife? Is it for the right reasons?" I come up with: My kids and unpleasant consequences of divorce. My kids need stability, they aren't going to get that when I'm with my wife. With two homes, at least they will have it at least half the time. Unpleasant consequences, well this is unpleasant too. The mandatory legal separation is 2 years before divorce. In 2 years we will be divorced, unless some magic happens and she ends all contact permanently and I feel like the marriage is salvageable. After 2 years, time's up. I have spoken to a lawyer again. My wife knows the rules. If she wants any chance at salvaging the marriage she can't have any contact with her ex. No calls, no texts, no messaging, no visits. There is only one more visit scheduled with her daughter before she goes to university, she either goes alone or misses it. Too bad. If her ex wants to see our daughter he can contact me. She is to block him on everything and change her number. I have access to everything of hers. Her story better stay the same. What else have you done to recover your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 I read of someone going thru the same thing a couple of years ago. She ended up with her ex that was in the military to. She actually rubbed it in her H face that she got pregnant on purpose and that it was a love child that they both wanted. The ex bf actually helped WW move out. Your country sucks with it divorce laws. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 VicHri: How are things? Just wanted to send a word of support. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 (edited) Late to the thread but, I think people had OP's back all through. This hasnt been just ex marital sex but a child is involed and she is 3 already. I am baffaled why the wife did not reveal it until the OP saw the resemblence, until OP resortedto a DNA test. If OP had been too busy for all this, it would have been continued for a life time...fooling everyone involved. OP, such a roaler coaster for you. I have no advice.. its too personal. Just hope you find some kind of middle ground for you and your daughter. You have been a great father thinking about the little lady thou. Takecare. Edited February 16, 2017 by freengreen Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 Hi Vic, it's been some time since you posted. I do hope things are going as per your wishes and that your wife has cut contact with her ex completely. Have you contacted her ex and told him to stay away from your family? I guess something of that kind will ensure that he knows that you know everything and that you are monitoring him in addition to your wife. That knowledge will also take the wind out of his sails and ensure that the feeling he had that he was one up on you because you did not know that your wife was cheating on you with him and had borne him a second child, will now evaporate into thin air. If he is in the military is there any way that you can report him to the authorities about his disreputable behaviour for the fact that he has ruined your marital harmony and jeopardized your marriage? Usually the military is very hard on infidelity all across the world, but that usually pertains to a situation when both parties involved are governed by the military's rules. Wish you a peaceful and happy life going forward. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts